think i'm just 贱。u know i've mentioned it a million times i loathe that place. BUT i went back. yes. it's like committing a crime, even for a day. i know they're desperate for pple. i know they cant get the other 2 girls to help coz one's overseas and the other wont take time off from study week to commit one day for that pathetic pay doing stupid tasks. seriously, i wonder if i agreed on the basis that i have an excuse to stay away from my books for a day.. coz i really did.

what makes me really happy is that i went back to my favourite department. the aunties are still as cheerful (despite the workload), and they didnt forget me. i saw the 2006 calender on top of the work desk with the month of June on display, and smiled.

the kind of warmth that spreads through your entire body in that icy cold place sets me thinking.. i guess the only thing that is positive in that entire organisation is that small department that's being stashed in a corner of the basement, undervalued and unappreciated. and the joke is, that's the department that's generating revenue for the organisation. like the blood in the valves, that's where the money flows- and that's where pple overlooked..

and as usual, i left that place on a high. how can i not when i can see, hear and feel that they're genuinely concern, with their well-wishes for my coming exams and uni education, with their smiles and offer to go back to help out during my vacation (provided the management approves).. the 10 mins with them made my day, and the 6 hours i spent above ground is such torture and horror. some acquaintance commented that there's no element of surprise in seeing me as i return once in a couple of months.. and another say 'oh, you're here'.. seriously, i dont see why they can stay in the service industry for so long when deep down they dont have what it takes..

and that i think is the main reason why people think their only rated 3.5 when they boast that they're 5. there's a difference between being good and THINKING you're good. and yeap. they belong to the latter. they have no grounds for that claim.. and let's just say i'm evil. i'm kinda happy seeing pple with senior positions quarreling in front of the junior staff. 1stly, they dont deserve any respect after such an 'entertaining performance' and 2ndly, their 'professionalism' shocked me. really. i have doubts about their ability to lead a workforce with a strength of say 50?.. they're STILL hiring pple. yeap. endless hiring.. someone need to REALISE that there's something wrong with the management with such INCREDIBLE turnover rates..

and with the new batch of foreign workers, drawing the same salary for the same position, i bet things are looking better for them. That is, if those new staff dont complain to union about the horrendous job scope. 12 hours of work, 6-day work week, same pay. i get a headache just thinking about it. i tried that for a month, and felt like banging my head against the wall.. they're incredible. serious. and i hope someone complains.

there's a million things to improve on. once, i thought that with the new management team, the organisation will gradually be a better place to work in.. but it seems like i was wrong. they took away a great many benefits, and implemented stringent rules for INMATERIAL claims. and didnt they learn in accounting that for inmaterial stuff, it shouldnt even be in the balance sheet?

every trip back there makes me more grateful for the fact that i'm given a chance to study.. being in a place where stuff dont corrode your entire well-being. school makes me feel good about myself, yes. even exams.

and returning to the dumps always serve as a reminder to give thanks for what i have now. to further appreciate how green the grass is at MY side. great. a lesson learnt. FOC.

他人总是察身而过。。 我也同样是察身而过。。
其他人是透明的吗？或者说。。。我是透明？

来来往往的人潮，把行人道挤得水泄不通。
我发现吵杂声渐渐消失了。
当全世界似乎回荡在一片宁静中，我的思绪在呐喊。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

拍照：
快门按下的那一刻，每个人脸上都堆着笑，
不管是不是真心，至少看起来是快乐的。

也许我们只想留住一切美丽的回忆，让多年后回首过去时，记起的是些快乐的东西。
不开心的，就遗忘在那多年前的现在。毕竟悲伤的过往，谁也没有兴趣知道。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

身边的人，用无法挽留的速度经过，在都市里。
我以为在这么多人的地方，更容易找到交谈的对象才发现不是这么一回事。
或许是相遇随手可得所以不再珍惜。
或许是可以接触的人多所以分散了关心。

可笑的是，‘关心’两个字，似乎是要把心封闭起来才有可能实现的。
这代表着当我们要真正关心一个人时，一定得站在客观的立场吗？

我们爱上了一个不期而遇的人，
也许是因为他唤起了我们的一些回忆。
他的出现，让我们想起当年的人，
当年的时光和那段时光中的自己。
在不可能重复的岁月里，有一些感觉却重来了。

Like the last sentence.. 在不可能重复的岁月里，有一些感觉却重来了...

In the shadows by The Rasmus.. some old song.. =)

想要：

想要：

找到一个通往出口的方向，
指引我到更明亮的前方。

寻找一个没有沉重心情的地方，
让心能无时无刻荡漾。

追寻一些无法到达的梦想，
把遗憾通通释放。

到达一个靠近天堂的地方，
这样我才能把烦恼抛光。

进到一个被称为梦境的地方，
自己才能不用逞强/坚强。

站上舞台的中央，
这样脱下面具也可以算正常。

走在一条没有退路的街上，
才能逼自己不再回头看。

体会拥有欢笑的泪光，
使自己发现代替难过/悲伤 的解放。

拥有一个幸福的池塘，
让我可以随时洗去悲伤。

拿到一个可以让时间冻结的机关，
把世界停留在那美丽的时光。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

finally downloaded the chinese input program.. so more chinese posts coming up..
i love being a chinese. the language is amazing.. and inspirations always come when u least expect it. that stuff above was what i came up with on one of the nights when i'm suffering from insomia.. just like that 'a little chotto' crap i posted way back... lolx..

[我得了一种无法于人相处的病。] 她说

[一种想要孤独的病。
一种热闹就浑身不自在的病。
一种讨厌人类肤浅相处的病。]

{也可以说是一种很在意于人相处的病。} 我说。

但她不承认。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

在整理过去之中，我突然看见某样曾经非常珍惜的东西。
在整理完之后，我仍然把它放在已经不会在意的角落。
因为我只能一追求新的东西好让自己更懂事。
一面把旧的东西塞在角落里，好腾出个空位摆放新的事情。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

会说话的人， 真理总是站在他那一边。
会装饰的人，目光总是放在他那一边。
由于不清楚自己真正要的是什么，
所以大部分的人总是跟着人多的那一边。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

每个人要成长，但‘成长’ 的内容， 真的成长了吗？

从一开始，原点和终点都在这里，只是你没发觉。

有时候，我弄不清楚，人是为了梦想中的生活而努力工作，还是为了工作而放弃梦想。

Ede's birthday! and i'm the 9th guest.. so i rcvd that rubber index with '9', wrote some birthday greetings on a green butterfly.. =) and i met a soci tut mate.. we were like going 'ei... why are u here'.. seriously, i think that question is redundant as the answer is pretty obvious.. lolx.. s'pore really is small.. one sing-song-cut-cake session after another.. angeleigh was there too.. that girl whom they say looks like me. or rather, i look like her.. so, i really have a common face.. let's just see who i look like next..

was flipping thru the pics we took in poly.. gone were the days.. lolx.. and ede has so many friends.. the turnout makes me feel a tad ashame.. she estimated about 90 pple there.. and dun forget those who cant make it.. so there i was, at a party of 90, feeling rather glad that my number-of-friends-scale is way down coz i dun like socializing.. then again, maybe the scale is low BECAUSE i dun like socializing..

so who's next? jo?

I'm not out of my mind. I'm just trying to make life a little more challenging.. In order to make my study week a little less troublesome, i introduced a forced source of motivation.. The lecturer asked if we want another quiz tomorrow and yup. i said aye. lol.. i don't regret it but was rather reluctant in reading the notes.. and the fact that i fell asleep reading the text in the library proved that i really have no interest in the subject. so that'll leave Lan to solve the problems and obtain a solution tomorrow.

am in a whining mood recently.. was feeling grumpy the other day and was telling my cuzzies that some coursemates actually emailed the lecturer coz they're not happy with pple 'cheating' during the quiz.. things like referring to notes or chatting with other groups. for goodness sake, it's a group quiz. we're entitled to chat.. so are they unhappy coz the groups made a lot of noise by discussing the qns or did some groups who refer to cheat sheets violate their principles? seriously, i thought we're all matured enough to mind our own business.. if some pple are alright with doing certain things, then that just goes to show the level of their integrity.. there is no need for a handful of pple to blow up such a matter.. their actions make me feel as if i'm in Primary school with those tale-telling.. seriously.

alright.. i should stop whining and filling my entries with crap.. it's been so long since i have a decent post.. time for a change yeah..

my Pri sch's friend's grandma passed away a couple of days ago, a day before her 21st bdae to be exact. i went to the wake just now.. and as usual, i was reminded of my grandpa's funeral.

My friend greeted me with smiles, as usual.. i think there's this strange phenomenon that only surface during times like this.. we tend to act nonchalant.. or maybe we really were at that point in time, seeing familiar faces- source of comfort..

my friend of 15 years is great. seriously, i've thought about it time and again.. she was the popular girl in sch, the pretty, outgoing, sporty and smart one. so i really have no idea how we clicked then.. she's the one who stood up against this bully, the one who helped me ever so often.. we're always competing.. i think it's more of friendly matches for improvement.. fighting to be the first to hand in our chinese workbook so that it'll be the last book the teacher marks and that we'll be the first one to get back our books for the next lesson.. small stuff like that.. i still remember the long conversations before bedtime, and the Jurassic Park joke.. which coincidently is the cause of my longest laughter.. to tell the truth, i'm a tad jealous of her when we were young. it's like seeing someone with the best of all worlds.. everythng i've ever wanted- then i mean.. now i'm contented..

her bdae gift would have to come much later.. i think about 49 days or 100 days after.. this year she'll receive a super duper belated bdae gift from me..

but a gift full of well-wishes nontheless..

rest in peace.

I always thought that giving others freedom to do what they like is like empowerment. That way they'll grow the way they want, and become what they want to be. Then again, what happens to those who were given the chance yet made/ will make the wrong choice(s)? What if they're not meant to be given free reign of their life, what if it's not so much of a wise choice to tie them too tightly or give up on them? what if they are unable to withstand the consequences? then how would hey move on from that pitfall?

My cousin had an operation in NUH ytd. to remove his toe as a result of negligence due to diabetes. You know, i know too many people with that yucky liability that i find carbonated drinks yucky. i mean, not all carbonated gassy stuff. i still take some on occasions but i stay away from them most of the time, replacing that with tea.

my cousin is only 3 years older than me. he got that since primary 5 when the docs said he has had too much soft drinks and candies... imagine having to amputate one of your toes at the age of 24 because it's beyond hope. and tomorrow is his bdae.. what an unforgettable birthday gift to yourself.. i didnt get to see him. my mom did. so she told me that in order to let the flesh heal to a rounded stump, there's no stitches. so what's left between the other 4 toes is an empty space that's oozing blood..

my grandpa has diabetes too. but it's under control.. it pains me seeing him inject that into his body after meals.. he's a big strong guy but he told me that sometimes the pain is too much to bear. and he jokingly said that there's no space in his stomach that hasnt been pierced by the needle. For a man who lives to eat, this deficiency is evil. He still secretely takes his favourite pig trotters or durians once in awhile but has always been caught by my grandma. coz he'll fall ill soon after indulgence.. and his cough takes forever to recover.. it's like not able to wipe ur mouth clean no matter how hard you try after you sneak a snack. and it's liability for a lifetime.

i've learnt, at a tender age, that every choice i make has an impact in my life. in the quality of life. it doesnt take too much sickness to realise you have to love yourself, more than any other. i dont like smokers, coz i see the difficulty and struggles my paternal grandparents went through before they passed away. i see how a reflex like breathing becomes wheezing and panting just because when others have 2 lungs, you might be depending only on one. and you cant walk fast, cant exert strength, can even climb stairs. so all along, i've been striving towards a goal that can only be realised at the age of retirement. ageing graefully.. and before i achieve that, i need to lay the foundations in which to build my other goals on..

that's why i dont ever want anyone to fall into the same vicious cycle. you can learn to be responsible for your future happiness. you are given a choice. choose wisely. sometimes you reach dead end.. but make sure you turn back in time. do not embark on a road with no return..

yeap. Peiling's bdae today.. the munchies roly poly girl.. anyway, the theme she set for the party is rainbow. so everybody gotta show up in colours.. AND the bdae girl wore black! =( so we were saying that her idea of a rainbow theme is such that we all wear colours so as to make her black outstanding.. lol.. anyway, meting up with old friends sure is a joy.. then again, we're all in the same school.. most of us anyway.. but you know the feeling of meeting up in and gab non stop, updating about our life (yes, i know.. it's the usual sch stuff..), gossiping, laughing and having fun.. yup.. i think u know..

You have no idea how glad i am with most of the workload off my back. but good news never last long.. the lecturer announced yet another quiz next week. Reading The Goal makes me think quite a fair bit of mine as well.. The goal is to make money so everything that works towards the goal is productive while those that don't are not.. so using that as an analogy, if my goal is happiness, what should i do or work towards in order to reach it?

don't blindly follow the common practice (making more money = happiness) just because it seems logical (more money = more purchasing power = ability to do what you want)... what we need to work on is simple to find the constraints to our goal (like tons and piles of work), exploit them (work so damn hard to clear all of them?? burn midnight oil?), then subordinate everything else to the decisions made (plan life around clearing work pile). elevate the system's constraints (like find alternatives to solve the prob?).. and you know, repeat the process over and over again while not letting more constraints get into the way..that way, we keep the operating expenses to a minimal (less procrastination, better anger management, less frustrations and stress etc..) which ultimately (albeit slowly) lead us to the goal.. but then again, having less operating expense might mean being less efficient. but the end result is that we're inching forward instead of marching at square 1. and that's all that matters, in the end.

oh great. by tomorrow i can take this post-it off my bed's headboard. and I've been waiting for a month to do it. yup. my handwriting's crap but i quite like the feeling of coming up with to-do lists and then checking it one by one once I'm done with. for busy weeks, i have another detailed check list. and imagine striking them out before i go to bed, feeling as if I've accomplished a lot. lolx.. deception and illusion..

seriously, i need to do something to my temperament.

i'm starting to wonder if stopping myself from cursing and swearing is the RIGHT thing to do or should i just cut myself some (more) slack..

anyway, haven you heard about it?
Aggression is better than repression..

and if that's not enough, see this one:
it's better to be pissed off than pissed on..

and to hell with the horrible crappy weather. when is the monsoon season EVER going to come? before i die of frustration and dehydration?

cream of the crop

It seems like nothing can boost my enthusiasm level recently. rather bogged down by school stuff lately.. so much so that my social life seems to be in a mess and limited to those sing-song-cut-cake-sessions..

it's irritating when my mind is only filled with sch stuff.. and it reflects badly on how i should advance and improve. life is not just about Math and deadlines..

and i find myself dozing off right after dinner while doing my tutorial.. and that isnt so bad if i dont fall asleep while watching tv too.. and as the frequency of the art of resting increases, the more i question myself. why am i so tired when i dont participate in school activities, no CCA, not even part time work, not helping out doing household chores, not even revising my work or attempting to complete other assignments.. so WHAT the hell am i entitled to fatigue?

Met a poly friend online just now.. she's going to work hard for 5 years so that she can complete her masters and be a full fledge architect.. u know how i envy pple with aspirations.. so i ask myself again: am i going to complete my sch in 2 years so i can graduate and look for a job, keep my original plan of just having a degree for the sake of having one.. or maybe i should stick around some more so that i have extra time to really think through what i want to do and IF possible, do my honours, find something i am passionate about and write a thesis on it, convince others what i believe in and show them what i am capable of.. that is, PROVIDED i am capable enough. in there, everyone is the cream of the crop.

that's what my sec school teachers used to tell the class. u are the cream of the crop. so i used to think that i have to meet expectations to avoid disappointments.. so as to have great dreams and scale greater heights..

but recently i have been thinking...









maybe i am not there as the cream of the crop.
maybe i'm the farmer.

they THOUGHT i took part in the Nationals..

didnt i remind them not to assume? for the millionth time?

so they ASSUME i can drink. didnt i emphasize i am allergic?

i admitted to trying to act busy when someone asked.. there's just so much to do when topics run dry and others are just not comfortable with silence.. for the last time, i have to confess to being much of a person who can spaced out anywhere, anytime. stoning specialist.

as usual, the gathering marks yet another day of the sing-song-cut-cake session..

so enough of rest and relaxation.

back to serious business..

I've been facing this damn laptop for an entire day yesterday and finally managed to get it done today. i only have myself to blame for putting things off till the last minute. yup. procrastinate.

i'm finally done faking my way through (again) about a topic i'm interested in. goodness.. the info i had was originally 26 pages and my page limit is 10. imagine the whole lot of stuff i got to go through. i dont feel a sense of achievement this time round. i guess i'll feel better after completing my stats, ops, econs and fna tutorial plus prepare for my legal presentation on monday and a class quiz for econs on wed.. that, will take up almost all of my waking hours.. and i promised Leya to help tomorrow and i have classes with my cousins at night.. gosh~ blame it on my impulsive nature. i thought i can strive to be a superwoman. lolx..

14 March is White Valentine... it's for females to reciprocate their love/like for the guy(s) who showed their affection on 14 Feb.

so on this day, there's nothing for me to do. As usual, it's just a day like any other.

and the fact that i've been single for so long makes me wonder if i'll stay that way for the rest of my life. Haa..

then again, that doesnt sound like a bad idea.. my aunt is an excellent example.
her house has a amazing array of small miniature fragile displays.. potpourri in almost every room. a home theater system, massage chair, queen-sized bed (not that i dont have), coffee maker, plus a new member of the family- a puppy.. guess life doesnt get any nicer that having total ownership..

In a lighthearted mood today. My presentation was a breeze, coz i didnt care to practice last night. Preparations make me more nervous.. and the fact that my groupmates are so nonchalant as to leave the entire question to me to do and didnt even bother to check makes me wonder if i should be glad that they trust me or that they cant be bothered.. and i was assigned the question coz the rest didnt know how to do it. to top it off, my very responsible grpleader volunteered to compile the report AND be the clicker coz he admitted that he barely knows the chapter, let alone solve the questions. for the last time, i feel like telling him- read the textbook.

Anyway, my group did okay. the tutor gave a somewhat positive reaction before distributing the mid-sem results. i did fair. barely met the average score.

I'm done with Econs. Next up legal, stats assignment & proj and OM by this week. by the end of next week, i can cut myself some slack before going steam-rolling ahead. I have friends telling me the exams are round the corner. yeah right. like 50 days away kind of thing. are they crazy or do they not have better things to do?

My brain cells are dying at an incredible rate.. i have 17 journals/articles to read, select and analyse for my term paper by the end of this week. and all i did was to set aside 5 as backup. yeah. as if that's progress..

This week is hell week for me. so i have to get legal and OM term paper over and done with before i attend some bdae celebration on sat night AND maybe help Leya if i have the time on Sunday.. that i think is out of the question, unless i have super powers..

Now that it's nearing the end of the semester, i'm seriously considering signing up for the special semester so that i can get my bachelors at the end of 2 years instead of 3.. BUT, i dont want to work.. so, opportunity cost. take my pick.

Ching's day/ friendship

Dont think i have the luxury of blogging tomorrow so
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHING!
hope you like the prezzie and enjoyed the outing as much as i did though the power was cut off at kbox for close to an hour.. anything to do with kbox, i'm the suay one.. trust me.. =)

and i sincerely wish that you'll enjoy Monday at work (have a great time with DHL and the advert firm!) and with your family (enjoy ya dinner!).. forget about those frustrating problems/issues for an entire day k.. and stay pretty and happy (i know you will)..

--------------------------------------------------

i went about my daily business thinking about what Eve told me in poly.
back then, she shared with me her views on friendships..
when i get upset thinking why some friendships turn out the way they did, she was the one who told me that as our personalities differ, different friends are just meant to be with you on different occasions.. so there's nothing to be upset or frustrated about..

i'm sure you can name some people whom you spent many a great time with.. and some friends are always there for you during a bad patch- work, family and relationship problems and so on.. some are great company- for movies, some solely for shopping, some for outdoor stuff, some for leisure activities.. you're in luck if you can find someone to share ALL your ups and downs with. but mostly, we settle for the best among the worst.. and let's just pray what you have more friends beside you during a rough patch than happy times..

All of us can live without friends. but who will want to do so if given an alternative?

so let's not be upset when things dont turn out the way we want them to. it is only human nature that you stick with those whom you can connect/ get along well with. and i bet H will never be on my list- good times or bad..

so many thanks to the rest who can. =)

TGIF.

Had a nightmare last night. if i can compile all my nightmares, i'll have an awesome horror show..
and you should look at my dark circles.. i look like a walking zombie..

anyway, i cut my hair. i wasnt aware that it's so horribly long.. it reaches my waist.. imagine the weight i'm carrying ard daily for the past few months. gosh~ no wonder i seem to be suffering from hair loss.. now, this is the shortest hair i spot in like 9 years.. been keeping long hair since sec 1.. and almost wanted a bob cut.. luckily i didnt. still trying to get use to shoulder length hair.. it's the most unbearable length where u know you'll have bad hair day everyday coz your hair dont fall in place and u need lots of pins just to tie a ponytail. but i kinda like the change. it's terrible having long hair in this humid weather.. and i say that becoz i no longer have it.. lolx..

give me 6 months.. my hair'll grow back by then.. provided i dont change my mind soon..

gosh~ wackier by the day..

met some old grpmate.. and he made my day.. yup. with his weird chinese pronounciation.. was feeling grouchy the whole day in school.. the lecturer wasted 2 hours of my sleep by informing us last minute via email that the lec is cancelled. i mean, i dont check my mail b4 i leave the house everyday and by the time i received sms from my friend, i'm already on the way... and it doesnt really make sense travelling back home.. so i ended up having an exceptionally early and long lunch with my uni khaki.. slack while she entertained me with the going-ons with her bf.. i have no idea how he looks like so it's kinda crazy listening to endless funny stories with this character with detailed profile.. like an imaginery personnel in some online game.. lolx..

so i slept through legal lecture (it's nothing new)... and slack thru legal tut pretending i did my homework (yup. 1 paragraph).. and dozed off during stats tut behaving as if i have had an extremely long day.. my friends turned to me and asked if i'm done sleeping coz i slept through the entire day's lessons.. well. to be frank, i haven.

aint sleeping well recently.. and that has a direct impact on my attention span and concentration.. plus it affects my attitude.. so everything else have to wait while i adjust.. i cant function in this listless state.. let alone perform..

..

i finally know the reason for my horrible temper.. i'm a tiger born in the lunar bing yu year.. that means my element is FIRE.. now with that, everything seems to make sense.. fiery, fury and frustration ARE second nature.. lolx..

So it's down to ONE tutorial, ONE mid-sem and 2 proj meetings for next week plus 2 more presentations the week after.. i'll just take things one week at a time.. gone were the days where living day to day is the norm. now i consider that a luxury though theoretically i'm still living life that way..

all i read in the papers the past week were articles on organ donation, Hota and what not. i dont mean (but want to) discriminate some pple.. but their thinking is irksome.. maybe mine is as bad to them but who cares.. some silly person (read: idiot) said that she opted out coz she didnt know how the system works then but after that harvest-liver-wait-then-cannot-liao incident, she got an idea so she's opting out.. BUT she claims that she has nothing against the scheme so she'll definitely opt in AGAIN sometime later. these kuku pple.. wonder how many of these pple are out there.. i can find no other reason they do this (opt out then in) except they have too much free time and want to waste administrative resources.. cant they even have a stand? you have one life. live it. you can be indecisive for ALL the small stuff in life. things like what to eat for dinner, where to go, which movie to watch, what transport to take, which mall to shop, what clothes to buy.. BUT cant they even decide on a simple thing like what they want to do should the journey ends in an accident or when the body if functioning but the brain is dead? i totally understand that some pple opt out due to other beliefs that are stronger, things like they believe (coz they religion convinced them) that you should not touch the eye or donate your cornea when you're dead coz your eyes are suppose to be the light in the other side, when u continue your journey to the nether world. i can accept this kinda reasons for opting out.. and Muslims by default are out. they can opt in though.. these, but not some bizarre excuses.. maybe they can take time to IMAGINE how it's like to be able to save 3-4 more lives (if possible) when u legally disappear from the face of the earth, and how your family will feel when they know that though you're no longer with them, a part of you still lives.. and think about the pple on the receiving end.. how great it is to be able to touch a life, with the last thing you do a good deed.. gain some good karma before you move on.. and it's a privilege given to a handful.. ... ... oh.. i take pleasure knowing that those pple who opt out of the scheme will be the LAST on the waiting list should they EVER need a transplant. meaning, an eye for an eye. (read: haha. you're NEVER going to have a transplant so u can jolly well wait, count down to THE date and make whatever preparations needed after you're gone).

say aye. love the way this scheme works.. especially the sorry-you-didn't-want-this-benefit-in-the-first-place-so-now-that-you-need-it-i'm-sorry-but-too-bad-it's-never-to-be-given-to-you-again deal.lolx.. crazy childish thoughts on a saturday night. lolx..

i know i die die wont be able to complete my legal assignment before i sleep coz the room is now turning, turning, turning.. and i cant focus when my body aint in balance.. my day started off great. i got motivated enough to spend 5 hours on an assignment, which means i'm going to check that task off my to-do list by tonight, AND i have one less section to study for the exams..

my goal for the whole of Friday will be to go for my lessons in the morning, followed by clearing AT LEAST 4 tutorials before i sleep so as to start revising for mid-sem next week.. i'm determined to minimise March nightmares...

good. if i keep reminding myself how awesome it is to be organised and in charge of the situation, eventually i'll convince myself that time is on my side..

Grrrrrr

Exactly a year ago, i started my temp job in TMS. 28 Feb. the last day of Feb. Having mixed feelings on this particular day.. Contented coz it's a rainy day, my lessons ended early and econs mid-sem is over. Kinda sad coz unknowingly, i made another leap across memories.. Guilty coz i didnt prepare well enough for the mid-sem today. Exhausted coz i'm still recovering from lack of sleep and sore throat. Unhappy coz i have to prepare for tml's tut and absolutely disgusted at my lack of motivation and that temptations got the better of me. i've decided. to give myself a break. at least till evening. watch some shows, listen to some songs, chat with my mom and sis, enjoy the weather and have a cup of coffee.

so. about a year ago i sat through my last poly exam paper thinking gosh~i'm so gonna miss this feeling..

360 over days later, i'm loathing the end of February.. i'm looking forward to semester break alr. that is, if i managed to do all the below in order in March:
compete my 30% legal assignment
study for my stats mid-term
prepae for legal presentation
prepare for econs presentation
prepare for accounting presentation
hand up my ops mgtmnt assignment
hand up stats project
hand up accounting project

and yes. the main point is, before i do all that, i need to start my research, not to forget the many project meetings before we even start discussing for presenation, complete my survey questionnaire, no. i have to come up with relevant topics first. and before i do all that, i have to make sure i have time to complete ALL my other tutorials. and u're right. i'm screwed. i have YET to start on even ONE of the above.

and beyond that, i need to plan to visit my grandparents. plan to leave time for some rest and relaxation, and not to forget some regular exercise.

oh great. things are getting better. they are turning worse at a slower rate. at least i got them organised. God bless.

feel rejuvenated.

term break is over. so i'm looking forward to semester break. just a couple of weeks more and say yeah to freedom.. that is, after the projects, presentations and exams...before that, 2 mid-term tests.. and i think i better start looking for a job soon.. some temp job for 2-3 months to keep myself busy AND my pockets full during the 3-mth sem break. full for the GSS before the GST hike..

Despite all your rage, you're still just a rat in a cage. Get out of your box.
You will find that influences from other people can cause some serious
transformations in your general frame of mind. Let your belief systems loosen
up, and let them morph into other frames of mind. Consider new ways of living.
Do things to get out of the conventional social construct of how you should live
your life.

yup. maybe i should follow the horoscope advice.. lolx..

yup. ultimate slacking since last Friday. Turn my lifestyle upside down. i wake up well after noon.. and i've been pushing the limit.. woke up at 5pm today, thinking it feels just like 1pm.. woke up with guilt hanging over my head.. finally started on my legal tutorial.. which i spent almost an hour completing and then uploading my answers to the forum for my grpmates.. then i signed into msn.. only to find another grpmate bombarding me with qns on an individual essay due in 2 weeks time. gosh.. i didnt know they're already going steam rolling ahead, leaving me behind.. lolx.. whatever it is, i'm planning to take my time. one step at a time i guess.. 2 mid-term tests coming up..

yup. amazed at my lack of interest in everything. especially sch work. yup. yup. more qns on econs test.. i've been telling pple to relax.. it's only a mid-sem for goodness sake. they shld learn to not take evrything so seriously.. or maybe i am the one who shldnt be indifferent. haa.. so they say i am confident. maybe they sldnt judge a book by its cover. maybe what they didnt see is my apathetic attitude.

Happy CNY!!

i love the way the story starts..

OS... about how life is a game.. and that if you get around stuff (acting) well, keeping a good position without getting hurt, then it'll be easy to reach whatever goals you have..

so the lead actor went about school with all those thoughts about putting in his full effort acting friendly and helpful.. trying to be perfect..

oh great. i think i know what's goig to happen later. just 10 mins into the show and i know how the story will flow.. someone (some pple) will sort of find out, or ruin his plans but they'll become great friends in the end..

then again.. all stories seem to go like that..

This CNY, i stayed at home, or at my cousin's place, watching TV/com or reading.. there's nothing much to do besides munching on stuff anyway..

Char took the morning flight to Perth this morning.. So by now she shld have already settled down... i wished i were on a plane to somewhere, anywhere.. get out of this boring cycle.. This term break is going to be a hellavu long time.. hjkklhcsasertikop;,lmb arhyckfsuojjlnvfasdbo[o'lm nc chfgujpkkn,bjc nbyduyr8upkn
\
oh great. i'm going bonkers..

self-criticism that undermines your self-confidence..
so perhaps it's time for you to take more risks.

Did a test and that's the advice i got.. lolx.. maybe it's time to take more risks.. lolx..

This year, besides being thankful of the fact that i'm a chinese and have 2 chances a year for new beginnings, i have little else to be happy and excited about. I'm long over the honeymoon period of slacking and enjoying my days as the deadlies draw near. Besides that, i cant celebrate CNY for 2 years running and i guess tomorrow's reunion dinner will be a weird affair coz my grandpa wont be at the table with us, kicking start a new year. by right, we cant even have a reunion dinner. but seriously, we need to get over things.. so i rejoice that my term break coincides with CNY, even though it seems like the school cheated us of 2 days break.. anyway, this year CNY will be filled with gatherings, shows, gambling and studying.. term tests are right after the break.

My sis got on my nerves.. so i set a login password for my lappie. I warned her so many times NOT to eat and drink ON TOP on my laptop. she disregards all that, claiming that she wont dirty it no matter what, and continue typing away with her dirty fingers! i've been trying hard to be patient.. and i guess 4 months is long enough contamination and forgiveness..

now, she cant use it coz i set a bizzard password. something totally unexpected. well, i surprise myself sometimes..

FYI, i prefer green tea and banana milkshakes to beer anytime, anyday. beer is a social drink. so pls dun make me drink that coz i'll have to deal with the rashes the next morning when some other deal with hangover..
AND...
i still cant seem to get along beyond the surface with some pple.. no matter how hard i try..

My sis got back her Os results today.. That reminds me of the day i went back to collect mine. Wearing the high school U for the last time, sitting in the school hall listening to all those plan-for-your-future talks and the last time sharing your dreams with your high school mates... I remembered the moment they called my name, the feeling when i stood up with hesitation and later with pride, the handshakes, the hugs, the smiles and the tears..

but no matter how hard i try, i cant recall what i did after that. i guess we must have went out for celebration or sth, promising to keep in contact forever... sadly, our forever became never as we got frustrated with only able to get Jas thru tempura maki, some work issues at Sakae, some VCD cover issue, meeting up to go to school issue, and before i forget, MAURICE!

all in all, guess the problem lies in us having the same personality trait.. not enthu enough to take the initiative to organise gatherings and such.. Maybe we tried (a couple of time), and gave up altogether coz of the consecutive failures that led to a pathetic success rate.. Guess we all have more important things in life at that point in time and when we want to turn back time, it's too late..

cant believe it has been 4 years since i graduated.. recalled some of the goals i set when i stood clutching that piece of paper in the all 4 years back.. some of them have been met so maybe i ought to set more?

The new Seiko watch! finally a ladies watch by Seiko. it took them months to come up with and manufacture this!!
Lovely watch that screams individuality. Anyway, my friend was saying that nothing beats the designs from sovil titus.. the left-most one. ~.~ doesn't matter.. to each his own.

met up with Prissy and Eileen... to pass Pris her long overdue birthday present.. she just got back from her Thailand shopping trip!! that made me very jealous.. but well, her work is crazy so i guess she deserves a break.

we lost contact for damn long coz she lost her phone last year and my contacts got zapped recently.. aint able to contact each other without the numbers... so we've been putting off our kbox outing for months.. but that's usually the case... but it's nice to have promises to look forward to..

I'm so looking forward to CNY coz it signifies the start of my term break, which also happens to be the sign for me to get started on my mid-term tests AND projects... This time round, signs are all over, and NEON ones at such...

cheers, to a better tomorrow.

TGIF. It's friday! my rest day.
TGIF- Thank God I'm Female. lolx..

anyway putting all that aside, did u notice the Dove's self-esteem fund? the one targeted at teenagers.. i see ads all over Singapore.. especially the ones with the caption something like '1 in 5 consider plastic surgery' and '15 is the average age of females with eating disorders'... it's great huh.. some organisation has stepped out to attempt to solve this ongoing and growing concern.

School life is finally in place. this semester i find myself a little more enthu compared to last sem and a whole lot more motivated. Let's just pray this stays..

I love coming home after a long day in school to see my mom standing at the kitchen doorway smiling and asking how my day turn out. asking if i got caught in the rain and if i'm hungry. i love the feeling of being cared for and loved, and indulge in every moment of those little acts that i know i'll treasure till the end of time.. acts that i sometimes take for granted, little things like making me a cup of hot tea on a rainy day when i'm lazing around reading a book on the rocking chair. comments like 'enjoy yourself' when i call home on a late night out and 'good luck' before every exam paper. i guess these are some of the ways pple tangibalise the important intangibles...

thankful.. of being given the opportunity to be child-like forever..

On my mom's bdae, i sent an sms dedication to her favourite radio station. my dad did it too. she called me when i was on my way to school.. and i think i made myself happier than her. Just like my grandma's bdae. Gave her a nicely arranged rose hand bouquet and felt happier than i could have if i bought it for myself.

think 'you can't put perfume on others without getting some on yourself'.

The days are getting longer, nights shorter and maybe that explains my inappropriate entry. this can well be a May entry. lolx...

Oh.. do play the music file i placed at the bottom left of this page. I dun understand cantonese but this song is nice..

The projects are fast falling in place. I find myself starting to oil the gears so they dont get stuck when i have to go steam-rolling ahead.

The following phrase describes my feeling during tutorials:
[Everyone else was talking, there wasn't much left to say]
This, can also be applied to my daily encounters with pple.

AND, i always try my best-est to stand by my belief-
DO NOT SPEAK UNLESS YOU CAN IMPROVE ON SILENCE.

I finally grasp the meaning behind the phrase "People are beset with problems because they are too sober.." Had a little too much to drink last night. always thought that before i get to know what it meant, i need to first learn to like drinking, and find a way to deal with the rashes and hangover the following day.. But it seems that i can deal with both problems with that invisible limit. that's why we're always told Libras can balance.

Guess i'm a step closer to understanding why pple drink until dead drunk.. Besides postponing their problems, they get to have a great night sleep with improved blood circulation. Next time i'll do it again. just for the kuai gan.

Was in the mood for something different. All thanks to that indecisive nature of mine...

Got that IQ test link thru ching's blog. That test is so inaccurate i dunno what to say. lolx. If it's accurate, i shld be somewhere doing something great and my life SHOULD be full of possibilities and opportunities. but as far as i can see, it isnt so.

Anyway, i managed to plan my timetable to a 4-day week but the minus points of this decision is that i'll have longer days in school, and more breaks in between. the break issue isnt that critical as i can slack ard, plan project meetings or what in between the 2 hours, but it's the long days that i'm worried about. For a slacker like me, it's the norm to sleep through lectures and sometimes tutorials. Therefore, i'm prepared to miss out more stuff than usual.. Let's just pray everything turns out fine.

Anyway, i'm a little depressed though i kinda expected the results. I got a C+ grade last semester. My friends were saying that they didnt do very well for last semester and they got Bs for all their modules. AND that happened to be what i am trying to aim for- not get a C, not right in the very beginning. Then again, this is deja-vu. I got a C grade in my poly first sem, and the results are similar. So i kinda got the hunch that my uni education is going to turn out just fine. maybe not as great as poly, but definitely not terrible. I took 2 level 2 modules (AGAIN) this sem and all 5 are core modules. Friends are saying i'm crazy to compete with the year 2s.. BUT they didnt realise that i'm the same age as most of those year 2 girls so they're not really very much ahead and senior as it seems. and tertiary education is as such. U have to learn to disregard all those labels and terms that scare you and affect your confidence level. if not, education is simply too tough to go on with those invisible conditions that u feel you have to meet. sometimes i take my hat off myself. lolx. Independence is now part of me. I find it alright to sign up for classes alone, without the hassle of calling up pple and asking what they choose coz ultimately, u'll get over it. I did that last semester so doing it again this sem is a breeze. U know, practice makes perfect.

LOLX

My phone contact list totally wiped out due to the 'unlikely event that my ** product needs service', as the warranty card states... talk about suayness. AND this happened on New Year's day, when it is supposed to be a day of new beginnings, and coincidently shortly after my post on 'stupid thought of losing my phone just so as to clear contact list without going thru them one by one'. talking about coincidences.. the book i happen to borrow has this saying:

"Either the world is full of coincidences or there no such thing as a coincidence."

It seems so much like a big fat joke. just that i'm not laughing. so pls pple, when u drop me an sms, do include ur name as well. i'm already quite sick of explaining what happened. spare me the torture of going thru it again. thanks.

Sch's started and i'm all ready. how i wished i could say that without the guilt tugging at my heart and my subconscious (preconscious actually) chiding me for even wanting to say that white lie. I'm so not prepared to take all 5 biz core modules this sem. But shouldnt i start building up confidence before i embark on true adulthood where i can go watch Borat without thinking how nice it can be to go watch it on film instead of reading those damn reviews.

anyway, to lighter subjects.. i've finished reading this book titled 'Snow Flower and the Secret Fan' by Lisa See. I aint a great fan of novels but happened to grab this book without even glancing thru the backcover. guess it's one of the animism-take-center days where inanimate objects seem to will u to do certain things.. like the excuse pple always give when they buy stuff on impulse. it's the 'i-just-have-to-get-it--the-dress/bag/shoes-is-asking-me-to-take-it-home' kinda situation.. digressing a little.. anyway, that book is great. perfect for the weekend.

every ending is just a beginning and learning to seek newpaths when u reach dead end. Guess with one week into the semester, i'll just have to get going till i'm done with it. and look forward to term break! yeah. talk about optimism.

oh great. My phone KO-ed this holiday season so i guess i'll have to send it to the service centre sometime this week. Geez.. Decided to have a break without my phone so pple, pls do call my house phone for urgent matters.

My twin and i.. lolx..
Botak tomboy.

This marks the end of a year and the start of the next.
While striving to live life to the fullest, let's just believe in the following:

- To live for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top.
- If you wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes. If you don't wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes.
- We can't stop the waves, but we can learn to surf.
- We spend 99% of our time walking towards our goals, and only 1% on the goal itself… so shouldn't we learn to enjoy the walking, too??
- It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters in the end.
- We do not remember days, we remember moments.
- The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.


In this time and age where we bank on efficiency, time-pressure comes into place naturally in our daily lives, so much so that we go steam-rolling ahead without stopping. I try to bear in mind that doing more things faster is no substitute for doing the right things and am still working on speaking at a slower rate and regulating emotions though I don't seem to be succeeding.

Sometime back, I read some book reviews and noted the following sentence:
"I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear."- Joan Didion
Seems like everyone is trying to find sanity through words, in this ever-changing world.

Another excerpt:
"From day to day, as you walk down a busy street in the large and modern and prosperous city in which you work and live, dismayed, puzzled… at how alone you feel in this crowd, and how awful it is to go unnoticed, how awful to go unloved, even as you are surrounded by more people than you could possibly get to know in a lifetime that lasted for millennia. One da that awful feeling of displacement comes over you... Being ordinary is already so taxing, and being ordinary takes all you have out of you.." (Jamaica Kincaid: A small place)
-This, describes the exact feeling of helplessness and loneliness…

I guess I've much fate with Taoism and Buddhism much more than the rest. But that doesn't mean I don't believe in others. When the school's Dharma club's booth was up for that particular day outside the library, I happened to past by and took this book which teaches the everyday stuff.

It mentioned that the first challenge is to put out my own fire as one who is on fire is more likely to spread fire with what he touches than to put them out. (people asking for advice/ people needing help. Just like the SJAB D-ABC way. Check for Danger, check Airways, Breathing, and Circulation.. lolx)

Many things matter a lot to me but I still take them lightly. It's not as if I have an indifferent attitude. It just means that I take things in my stride. Somehow I've managed to convince myself that nothing is permanent, as hard as I may try. Coz how can anything I hold on to remain the same when even I myself, the holder, change?.
So as nothing is materially substantial, we shouldn’t constantly look for 'substance' in life.

So a perfect answer to the question:
Being alone is just being alone.
Being lonely is being unhappy about being alone.

Oh.. And one of the reasons why I love rainy days is just that rain is the only thing that binds Heaven and Earth. So right now, I can just imagine you sitting in front of the monitor nodding/ saying "Oh ya! Aha! I see!"

Cheers, to a better year!

These late nights made me a little more emo than usual.

Re-read my 2006 first few entries.. so i see. i had a great start.
didnt realise it's close to a year. i'm still as immature as ever. but i've learnt to live with it. haa

the entries got me thinking. i've grown, in age but not wisdom.
and most times, i seem to make more sense in the past.. not to mention my beliefs.. lolx.. how i stand by them. not that i dont now, but they seem to matter more then.

so.. i stated very clearly that blogging isnt sharing coz it's one-way communication. then i continue to post stuff that i think i want to share. geez.. guess life's just one contradiction after another.

2005 is even more incredible. i posted a quote i saw in HTM's office.
so here it is again:
[You cannot change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust the sails]
so choose your own destiny.

yeap. 2005 is the year of the tsunami. so 2 years after that disaster, i sit at the same spot in the comfort of my home, typing away and thinking this must be a joke. yeap. Life's a big fat joke.

Hohoho... Xmas is over..

Did the ultimate slacking this festive season. No work, no commitment, minimal activities.. lolx..

My Dad gave me the funniest present ever (besides the pink cat without a mouth)..

this year has been a great year. Xmas always signifies the end of a year and the beginning of the next. This year has truly been a good one, with lessons learnt, fun enjoyed, sadness felt, and memories renewed. so BRING IT ON 2007!!!

A crazy thought got ran over yesterday.
Told my mom it's aint too bad an idea to lose my phone once every 2 years or so.. This saves me the need to ever go through the list in the phonebook to 'decide' whether to delete it or not.

Went through the process of clearing my cupboard, dust and all.
Threw away so many stuff that i treasured years back but meant nothing now. boxes, boxes and more boxes. Reminisces... ... saw the stuffed toys my dad got me when he went to Japan when i was in Primary school. I told him i want my melody, the pink rabbit under Sanrio creation. and it was the first time he came back with gifts for me.. yeah. FOUR HELLO KITTIES.. so i asked him in what way is a cat similar to a rabbit. anyway, they are gifts that make me smile, even till now. and to me, the BEST gifts are those that make me smile.

told my mom the story of the 3 boxes. my story of the 3 boxes. then i overheard her telling the same story to my aunt over the phone. lolx..

the story goes like this....

whenever u pack, you need 3 boxes (can substitude with big plastic bags).
the first box contains- Things that you definitely want
the second box contains- Things that you definitely want to get rid of
the third box contains- Things that u dunno whether to keep or not but are quite unwilling to throw away.

After sorting out, keep the first box, make sure the second box and its contents disappear, and stash the third box in the storeroom or under your bed.
When the next clearing day comes, throw away the 'third' box and whatever that's inside and begin with 3 boxes again.

Freud's theory somehow plays a part, with his Id, Ego and superego stuff and the conscious, preconscious, subconscious and what not.. You see, contents in the third box are things that you dunno whether you want or not.. it lies in between the treasure vs trash line. Hence, anywhere between the time of the first clearance and the next, whenever you 'think' of an item, you will definitely 'dig' it out of the third box, thus changing its status from nil to something. For other stuff that you dont even recall having or have totally forgotten ever owning, it doesnt matter if they're not yours now or in future. throw them away or donate to charity. dun let it clutter your living space. it doesnt matter now, or ever.

I apply my theory of the 3 boxes everytime i do clearance. and it has always worked perfectly. so there. Good things are meant to be shared.

Extracted my LAST wisdom tooth today, all thanks to my mom who suggested it.

It saved me 350 bucks!!! the amount the SCHOOL dentist quoted minus the actual price i paid in a PRIVATE clinic.

I refused to take any painkillers, and stubbornly ate curry fish head and tang yuan for dinner right after the operation, when half my mouth was still recovering from anesthetic. When i extracted the left wisdom tooth, it was the mooncake festival and i had da bing right after the operation. So today i wonder, what is the limit of my tolerance level.

Like i always say, painkillers are the drugs for a better today but horrible tomorrow. you only take it when you have one foot into you-know-where.

Told the dentist i want it out ASAP. yeap. call me crazy. right BEFORE xmas. then again, my body never really fail me. or so i choose to believe. so let's just say i'm optimistic abt the future.

I remembered posting one entry regarding my wisdom tooth, saying that the right out is out to get me coz i got out the left one. HAA.

anyway, random thoughts...

Love the weather. i have no idea how many times i must emphasize that. So my bro told me that only emo people love rainy days. well, i take that as a compliment.

it certainly matches the season. cool, special. well, thank god i dont have to work. imagine dragging out of bed at 7 to prepare for work when you can stay snug in bed till noon. that's indulgence. the ultimate festive indulgence.

Embracing change this season.

Plans for a better tomorrow.

Spent the say at IKEA Tampines. Love the place. love walking randomly in search of wants. love walking randomly in search of wants in a nice environment with the rain roaring outside.

met Daryl on the way back. He was talking about the 5 years ago stuff.. yeap. 5 years ago... let's just say some meories are meant to be forgotten.

felt like singing 'santa claus is coming to town' at the top of my voice.. the christmassy feel.

anyway, read an article and it mentioned about those with shiny red nose sit at home on christmas with tissue on one hand.. lolx..

okie. i need to come up with a shopping list to kick start my xmas shopping. then again, i need to curb my spending coz i'm not earning money fast enough. let's just hope the weekends turn out fine.

took a pic with a girl whom the whole revenue dept says look like me. or rather, i look like her. then, both of us disagree. well, saw her in person. have yet to see the pic. let's just wait..

Cuzzie's wedding on Sat and the dinner on Sunday at Orchard hotel. The bride and bridegroom looked picture perfect! I wasnt involved in the Sat celebrations coz *long story*...

anyway, the dinner wasnt too bad. the servers for my table all look alike! the couple was soooo sweet i cannot tahan. after the yum seng thingy, we cousins crowd ard for 2nd round of toasting. they say yum seng 3 times each round has a significance and i've forgotten all except the 3rd one. it means zhao sheng gui zi.. so for that 3rd toast we yummmmmm for very long.. coz they're trying for a baby with the piggy zodiac.. great! let's just hope the baby's born in the Libra horoscope too! hee~

really. this is the PERFECT season to get married.

for this season, i did some changes. coloured my hair again, tried brown base with orange (warm orangey color. perfect hint with candle light. not the orange gobstopper orange k! lolx..) highlights all over and purple highlights on my fringe only. i'm only worried about the purple highlights coz she bleached it before dyeing. that means when the color fade, it'll turn my hair to crap. but then, who cares. i'll just let it grow back.

starting anew with colors in my life brings back some level of confidence. u know u really was in a really distasteful phase in life when u experienced the feeling of confidence boost, sudden happiness or reduced negative moods. it's as if that is not the kind of life worth living. with that, i can say i feel good at all times, even when i wake up in the morning with a big zit. i am pretty, pretty confident. lolx. when u feel good, things fall nicely in place. i can feel myself glowing, glowing, glowing... glowing like a candle in the dark... maybe becoz u feel good, u want to look good, so that's how one good thing leads to another. and when u feel and look good, a few compliments wont hurt. and compliments are ego boosters.. that will ultimately raise your happiness level.

so see. the magic of colors.

thank god for this magical season. season of love and sharing.

Counting down.

Just 4 more days, 3 more papers, 2 trips to school and i can look forward to 1 wedding function.

I have a million and one thing to do by the end of this year.
I badly need to clear my cupboards, which are filled with poly notes and gift boxes, notebooks and what not.
I need to clean my dresser- half filled with dust.
I need to clean my fridge to sort of try to prolong its life.
I need to search for a new blog skin and do the half-yearly modification.
I need to clear my mailbox.
I need to...
I need to...
I need to...

AND before i start on any of the above NEED-TOs,
I REALLY need to start revising my notes. and damn. that's the only thing i dun want to.

This is the funniest comic strip i've seen in sometime.

Aint in the mood for mugging. I'm so going to flunk my Econs. I totally understand the sense of helplessness now. The questions running through my head but my hands dont know how to coordinate. My fingers on the calculator but dunno what to input. My thoughts racing, aimless and on the verge of giving up. i can hear the soft tapping of calculators everywhere ard me. I guess i'm getting paranoid. But that doesnt explain the lack of preparation for the paper and the fact that i'm so screwed that the best i can hope for is a C. It's so demoralising and being my first semester, it isnt really a very good start. Plus Considering yesterday's paper was a flop as well. For the two 35 marks questions, i wrote like 2 pages each. the booklet is 10 pages and the girl in fornt of me took 2 booklets! i wonder what she's writing. her hands never stop moving! and i blame myself for not being focus enough. it's so crap. the place is errie. No one left the hall before time's up. all of them stayed till the last minute. Everyone is so discipline, so determine to do their best, i can feel the difference.

oh well, i guess i really am paranoid. and it sucks sitting thru the paper feeling crappy. I cant stop sneezing and i cant breathe well coz of my stupid nose. my eyes cant seem to open properly coz i ant stop sneezing and i finally succumb to temptation and took medicine. i hate this feeling of weakness. damn. shldnt hav gone to the BBQ last saturday. guess it's the food. i had too large a serving.

my sis's prom tonight. at mandarin. mine was 4 years ago. the fun, walking in town in the middle of the night, chatting in the hotel room, phototaking, yes. phototaking.

There's this article from Voices, Today, dated 22 Nov titled Dying For Love.

The writer ended the article with "If all this strikes a painfully familiar chord with you, I would suggest you start by finding out your grandparents' names. I only found out my grandfather's name when he died- and I never told him how much he meant to me."

Have we all acquired the same mindset that names aint important if you remember and know someone as a person? or that since life's expectancy is supposed to be an average of 80 so for whatever age that he/she is lower, we still have time? what an illusion. Time is never on our side.

This week is granparents' week. Have you done anything? anything at all? I did.

100th day. From the day he left.

Study week is here and is the best time to study (YEAH RIGHT!). Ended up doing all the want-tos and returning home 6 hours later AND 150 bucks lighter in my pocket. Spent yet another day reading like 2 chapters of the lecture notes, out of the 13 that i'm supposed to UNDERSTAND.

Was told that human's fate and personality undergo a change every 5 years or so. But mine didn't seem to. I did that DISC thing twice and both yield the same results. This Enneagram thingy is the same. I am type FIVE- the Observers.

Here are the results:
Observers have a need for knowledge (NOT really. this applies only to knowledge that i find interesting) and are introverted (as if i dunno), curious (AHEM!), analytical (WOW), and insightful (I didnt know about that).

How to Get Along with Me

• Be independent, not clingy.
• Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
• I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
• Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
• Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
• If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
• don't come on like a bulldozer.
• Help me to avoid my pet peeves (LOLX): big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.

What I Like About Being a Five

• standing back and viewing life objectively
• coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
• my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure (YEAH! ^.^v)
• not being caught up in material possessions and status (hopefully)
• being calm in a crisis ( this i'm not so sure. i am NOT that calm in a crisis)

What's Hard About Being a Five

• being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
• feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
• being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
• watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally (yeap. why shldnt people who work hard derserve better? But there's no denying social skills are more important in life.)

Fives as Children Often

• spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
• have a few special friends rather than many
• are very bright and curious and do well in school (NOT TRUE. I am so NOT curious and didnt do well in primary school either)
• have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers (parents YES. teachers NO. NOw i regret. Shld've bombard my teachers with a million and one questions to make their career more interesting! haa)
• watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
• assume a poker face (TRUE!) in order not to look afraid
• are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
• feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected (yeap. it's as if no matter what they do, there's sth that's always lacking.. Bad attitude i know, comparisions and more comparisons)

Some time-out ytd.
Was rather pissed with myself for sleeping in till the late afternoon and waking up for diner instead of breakfast. Very angry at myself for not having done anything related to the coming exams. So i went to release my pent-up emotions via an efficient outlet. Recharged, and ready to go but NOT in the mugging area. I ended up packing my drawer AND rearranging my notes, which both come up to a HUGE pile. The notes make me so depressed and i wonder how i am able to get started. Tried very hard to recall what i did during the study-week in poly and realised i cant even remember. i think i studied for the last few subjects first and ended off the week with the more recent papers. I THINK. seriously speaking, i think i will sit back and recall all these nonsense AFTER the exams and think - WHAT A JOKE. that is, if i managed to clear everything. and really, i think i'm able to, if i quit blogging and doing things that arent on the top of my prority list right now. Sorry, correction. shld be things that SHOULD NOT be on my priority list right now. But unimportant things seem to get more urgent the more you don't want to think about them. i think it's call relative comparison or sth. So today is sunday, i spent another half a day slacking and will be spending another half day with my aunts and cousins, plus having steamboat for dinner. GOSH~ can life get any better?

Got back Sociology term paper yesterday and wasn't I surprised when I realized I didn't get a C for this paper?! We got a B+, which is considered VERY good to me, in regards to my tutor's expectations and my perception of grades.

The semester ended well, good enough for me to rejoice. From now on it's one week of battle, then a month of rest. Really hope I dun screw up my first semester, like I did in poly. Sometimes it's really not an issue of being competitive and wanting to win, but rather- knowing that u could have done better yet didn't put in enough effort. I guess what I dun want to, is to feel a tinge of guilt.

Now that I've successfully taken the first step and halfway through the race, all I need to do is to have my eyes set on the finishing line and await the moment. But before I do that, I have to prepare myself for the 'dying/flying process'.

Try your best, is it good enough?
If not, your best was simply not good enough.
Do your best. But how do you know it is your best?
Because you don't, you don't have any reason not to try harder.
The realization of this is what leads to the best, to perfection.

I got an A for my marketing ind assignment! Finally ONE subject i think i am able to do relatively alright compared to others. At least i know my hard work of research and report writing paid off. Had a combine tutorial with another class today and boy~ if i haven mention enough about uni people being insane, they are- 100% perfectionist. I overheard someone from another tutorial group saying 'I didn't get an A+' in the kinda disappointed tone. The 4-letter word pops up. No worries. i mean the word W-H-A-T!! My groupmates were asking if poly students behave the way uni students do. So i told them NO WAY. at least from what i know, C is considered a grade in poly, not only A+. lolx...

The libraries were packed with people. The study areas are filled with students with books and papers all over. Seriously speaking, they need a break. I can hear a pin drop in there so i wonder how they can study in that plaze that is half frozen. And they're entending the opening hours to like 24 hrs.. OMG~

BTW, the Bush visit to the sch caused much of an inconvenience to me. i took like 2 hours just to get home coz they blocked the roads. I was trapped in the bus waiting for HIS limo to pass by before the traffic can move and just for him, there's a jam all the way from Kent Ridge Cresent to Ngee Ann Poly.

I guess being in the right mood brings about good luck. I am FINALLY able to do ONE question out of the entire module's assignments and case studies for Econs. I am so proud of myself. all thanks to marketing. and hearing the remark 'I think ur answer is correct- i can't get the calculations right' from those scholars is a mega happiness booster.

OMG~

my TP account is still active, meaning i canstill login with my old password and matric numer, which i remember! omg~! i'm so excited. this is the first time i checked since i graduated and the 1st mail that i see is the FHA one. i was cursing and swearing- what did i NOT check my mailbox JUST AFTER graduation? i missed like a fantastic opportunity to enjoy good food and wine with friends! yeap. sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz.

still, i'm glad TP hasnt forget about me. or rather,the computer system still enables me to login.

Usually i skip the sports section in newspapers.

Actually not totally. They have to come up with a really nice cutesy title in order to catch my attention. So this journalist did, and he named it "Cotton wool, and a kid named Tiger."

The article is on Tiger woods, who is supposed to be the world no. 1 golfer (not anymore i guess).

Some of the things i noted:
[Wonder how much of the cotton wool is of his own decor]
[Maybe i shall design to visit him again in 10 years, when he is 40, and bring along a cap and a magic marker. If he does stop to sign, it would be a signature worth keeping, i think, for who knows what else he would have achieved in the game over the next decase. If not, i can wait till he's 50.]

Love that. The beauty of the job of a journalist.

Totally agree on what BL says on her blog:

[Home is for free expression and inspiration , not for good impression]

but is it a valid reason why the closest people around us always get the nasty effects of rude response, mood-swings and the more negative side of our personality? do we even take that expression for granted and think that as family, it is only right that they see the worst side of us? and get the s*** that others wont get, even though it might not be their fault in the first place??

yeap. i guess that happens to me.. uncontrollable release of agression and frustrations in the comfort of one's home. it's like returning to a safe pier for repair and maintenance before we go in search of new places and destinations.. i take for granted the tolerance of my family, and am reassured that no matter what i do, i'll be forgiven and loved. it's a selfish and evil thought. maybe that's what others call bond?

the time of the year has come for reflection and more reflections. partly because of the season, but more as a result of the upcoming exams. has always been like that. nearing the exam period where i know time is running out, i'll have a million and one things to do EXCEPT getting started. i am lying if i say the stress dont get into me. a friend was telling me she aims to be like me, to really enjoy uni life for the next 3 years, 4 if possible, and not let the pressure bug me. then again, how was she able to just 'determine' how i react to the environment around me when i, myself cant even do that? i am trying hard not to get too uptight about the stupid papers at the end of the month but the more i resist the thought of being pressurized, the more i seem to be affected. and the problem now is, how can i prioritize my work such that i finish my 3 assignments on time for submission AND then START going through the webcasts for those lectures that i've slept thru (like ALL of them!!)...

besides not doing all of the above, i've started to watch shows.. mediacorp shows, the project superstarII.. sometimes an episode or two of american next top model, sometimes extreme makeover, sometimes taiwan variety progs, and not to forget korean shows and anime.. and all these are slowing climbing the chart of my priority list. it's frustrating knowing the cause but cant find a cure for it. am so looking forward to Dec.. AFTER the exams, the attend my cousin's wedding.. (1st of all my cousins).. after my uncle's.. which was like donkey years ago (maybe 8).. i'm so looking forward to be affected by the happiness.. and isnt it sweet to get married in the best season of the year?

Pple, please watch 'Behind Enemy Lines' tomorrow at channel5.. 20:30...

This is one movie i watched 'by accident' and not by choice coz movie tix for the popular shows were sold out. but i'm glad at this 'by chance' coincidence.. the show is awesome!!!

Gosh~ can't believe it's Friday yet again. Thank God.

music on playback.. on and on and on.. like Do Until loops in IT1801.. the VBA should look sth like this:

sub songs ()
Dim song As String
song=Application.WindowsMediaPlayer.Library.songlist
song.Activate
Do Until song=have a little more faith in me
If song <> have a little more faith in me Then
Do Until song=have a little more faith in me
Range("Library").offset(song,0).value=song
song=song+1
Loop
End If
song=song+1
Loop
End sub

should be sth like the above but think i need to debug the procedure.. sth is wrong somewhere.. felt like a wrongly written proocedure.. one that has infinite loops.. such that the com hangs.. and i want December to come faster.. after reading papers on tourism, i need a "well-deserved break" to "get away".. delight at the thought of going through "liminoid" situations. my marketing tutor asked what's my plan for December. told him i need to get the exams over and done with first, then most probably work to earn some pocket money for the break.. i want a holiday. But who's going with me?

Pple have already started mugging for the exams, which happens to be like 27 days away (thanks to MF, who started the countdown yesterday)..

here i am, struggling with a sociology paper and a programming project.. one due next wek and one the week after.. goodness gracious.. the proj scope is horrendous.. i need to do readings, readings AND more readings.. and my tutor is an absolute horroe. he actually told the class that he takes delight in giving students D..

the people there are driving me crazy.. i am having a hard time reassuring myself that everything will be fine.. and i wonder when i'm able to catch up.. think NEVER.

yah. this is the time i think the strange is familiar. maybe i can be a sociologist in future?
and i've always been living in square concrete boxes, and will be doing so for my whole life.. so who on earth cares if it's an experiment or not? we're used to it. at least singaporeans are.

am really glad that the weekends are here.. and that my fav season is approaching..

nightmares end this Dec

Pray that i wont ever get to see war on the land that i'm on. it's kinda sad listening to floating stories from my grandparents.. listening to how their lives changed coz of the war. knowing the pain and terror they face during good times.. that's why i've always been a little paranoid about enjoying the good things in life.. coz u wont ever know if it's just a smokescreen.

and money.. it's the root of all evil. and the reason why it's the root of all evil is beacause it's a good medium of exchange.. and the medium of exchange serves as a value in which pple use to go about their everyday lives.. that's why we cant help but want more of it.. that's why we cant get rid of it, ever.

it's the perfect game strategy ever created so that this game never ends.. and it never will, so long as this fundamental rule applies..

the humid weather is getting on my nerves.. i'm so looking forward to this rainy season.. partly so coz it'll ease the horrid size effects of the haze condition, but more so of the refreshing feel it brings.. and what is this grey-sky-no-rain thing that's been around for 2 days? felt as if everything has been repressed.. and somethings are going to explode soon.. it better not be me.

Okay. Take a deep breath.

Before i continue on my never ending econs preparation for tomorrow's meeting, i need to pray, for a miracle.

Firstly, all thanks to a groupmate, we're half done with the assignment. But then, i get more confused reading his answers though his 'answer sheet' seem to have the perfect solutions.. all coz of the complex equations..

this whole thing is slowing driving me nuts. but lucky i receive mails with content like:

[ we are already meeting on monday and that will be the main meeting.
technically u should be free coz u r in the same lec group as us!
so having something totally unmissable is not an excuse.]

[It is rather unfortunate that you misunderstood my good intentions for I merely suggested Tuesday as I figured it would suit everyone’s convenience better. However, since you insist on Monday, I shall oblige.

In the future, it would be much appreciated if you could perhaps use a more polite and respectful tone when mailing all of us.

Speaking of technicalities, when something is considered unmissable it is only logical to assume that it is in fact an excuse.

As for the rest, see you tmw.]

yeap. these brainy pple are funny.. serious.. proj work never get half as interesting as these useless crap.. they brighten up my day.. lolx..

spent yet another day slacking away. finished dou yu II (some old taiwan drama) within 2 days.. it's an achievement.. and i felt twice as guilty after watching the show coz i could've done so many other things that are on my priority list.. yeah.. opportunity cost i know..

but then...

i'm celebrating this festive season with the Hindus and Muslims counterparts. we're living in a cosmopolitan society.. so i shld learn to embrace other cultures.. and that is a damn good excuse for my total indulgence over the weekend..

cheers for a better tomorrow, coz i'm so not looking forward to tourism sociology meeting in the morning talking abt what i've researched and read up on.. coz i haven even touch a thing.. have to crap up something.. i pray for forgiveness for my laziness and for my little white lie tomorrow.. great.. and what abt trainings? haven been attending them for like 3 weeks? yeah.. proj workload and deadlines are just excuses.. so maybe i can pray for some commitment now that activities are no longer important? and i need more fuel.. for the passion. but first, i must find the spark. yeah. give me 2 stones.

now time for the only game that i'm constantly practising.. killing brain cells..

cheers, for a better tomorrow..

Yup. i'm oficially 20. It doesnt really make a lot of difference between 19 and 20 since it's all psychological. pple auto round it up. i've been saying i'm 20 since last year and i look like 23 anyway, so shld be grateful that i'm becoming younger each year.

struggling for 3 nights straight for the marketing individual proj.. i'm not a perfectionist but i do want to give my best.. this year, i wish for more contentment, and the ability to forgive the nitty gritties in life. unimportant things that shldnt take priority or cause any major disturbances in my life in the first place. things that shld take a backseat shld be in the boot.

Thanks to all who gave birthday greetings.. it's nice knowing pple remember my bdae, though friendster and birthdayalarm.com help a great deal in sending reminders.. lolx..

Jo's sms made me smile. guess the best gifts are those that make pple smile, regardless of the price value of the item.
she hopes that i'll meet prince today. well well.. first and foremost, how am i able to meet him when cinderella's already got him like 'a long long time ago?' and that even if he somehow starts travelling to my world now, he'll take 'a long long time' to reach my side. so this is impossible.. lolx.. and if he's gone, then cinderella = poor thing.

i'm indulging, soaking up the serenity that can only be experienced at this unearthly hour. taking time to sit ard and not do school work, feeling like the world owes me sth just for today.. and that this being my day is good enough an excuse for anything else i feel like putting aside..

aint in the reflective mood recently. maybe that's why i haven been able to improve, to march forward. i need time to connect with myself. guess that's the only disadvantage of being a Libra- the need to balance, precisely.. lolx..

Yup.. got this off some astrology webbie:

As much as you may not want to deal with the very things you absolutely must, the time has come. You can't postpone the inevitable any longer. You have had your time to rest and recuperate; now it is time to put the gears in motion. You are likely to get very emotional about your work today, so you might as well establish a good relationship with it instead of a negative one.

yeah.. i'm really working my ass off on that idiotic product life cycle.
the above sentence is a clear indication that i'm not postponing, definitely puting my gears in action and is very emotional!

okay. i know what i want for my birthday- compliments for the whole day.

kinda long since the last compliment.. cant even remember when.. it's the encore, encore feeling. gosh~ PJ must be crazy. well, i need to hear some nice things about me every now and then in order to stay happy and young.. so maybe it's time to get a bf? lolx..

somewhere is wired wrongly.. and i need to get away from marketing product life cycle. dun recall having to put in so much effort for a poly proj.. what did i get myself into this time? :(

went for a class gathering that i wasnt really invited to go by coincidence.
joined the gang but nv talk much.. the rest are pretty much the same after so long. realised how much i've aged, not them. our social circles never cross. even though we're in the same area, sitting at the same table, trying hard to make ourselves comfortable in each other's presence, i guess there's still no connection. it's kinda sad knowing that i spent 2 whole years of my life with a group of pple than i cant really find a common focal point with. i tried, so hard to find sth to talk about- school. but then again, like what they say, pls lor, talking abt school on a weekend. how nice! seriously speaking, other than that, and another common question 'do u have a bf now?', we have like not much common topics.

kinda pathetic how things turn out. but they wont die without having me as a friend since we have never been getting along fantastically... on the contrary, it's weird when we meet up suddenly and have to get use to that strange unfamiliar interpersonal relationship that plainly shows that u're trying too hard for sth that hasnt been achieved in the past and will never turn out well in the future (at least for this lifetime).

Glad that doesnt happen to everyone ard me. i'm pretty comfortable with meeting some friends that i haven been seeing in ages and picking the friendship where we left off knowing that certain things will never change and they're here to stay. what a nice phrase. here to stay. it's like living in a comfort zone knowing there are things that will keep u rooted. yes~ it's the anchored feeling we're attached to.

product life cycle. that damn marketing term.
this mere 15% is taking up so much more time than a 40% mid-term revision. then again, econs assignments still far surpass others in terms of minimal weightage but maximum time/energy contribution and this subject has 4 assignments in total, and 2 presentations. like wth.. and it's a group with 9 members. hohoho.. merry christmas!

Spoilt brat. Really am.

18th birthday i went on a cruise with my family and relatives.
19th birthday i got a purple gold ring from my mom.
20th birthday i got a hp laptop. (not even 20 yet! = )

Told my dad i want a supp card for my 21st birthday. lolx.. It's meant to be a joke but it doesnt really hurt to just pray hard.. ^.~

Guess there's pretty much nothing more in life than i can ask for. or rather, nothing much i want (now). Marketers always say that there is no end to wants, even the economists say so. Then again, there is no want if there is no desire AND liking is not equal to wanting. It's like saying 'the ocean is beautiful' when u have hydrophobia.

However, it's always nice to have pleasant surprises.. who doesnt? lolx.. It's like there is no dead weight loss in society plus the receiver benefits in the sense that he or she might not even be aware that he/she might enjoy the particular gift given, or that the gift is only accessible to the giver.

Wanted to buy myself something but couldnt find any. Gave up. shall just shop aimlessly and find sth that i happen to think i like and make do with it. Guess i'm still in what E.Erikson would say: 4th stage- identity vs identity confusion stage.

oh great. more abt marketing, econs & social work and my brain is certified fried.

Talking Cock in Parliament - Hossan Leong

in the mood to bring the archives in my previous blog back to life.
take a look will ya, if u have the time.
it's a record of my growth, (and confusion) for the past 2 years.
that was how i started out. and this is what i am.
It's as good, or even better, than looking at photo albums with fashion poses and fake smiles.

I can't believe my group is so damn lucky, again.
That slacker's club.

my day ended great. i skipped training.

sociology tut was full of question marks.. i dun really know what useful things i learnt when i came out of the class. the tutor seems to be able to see the subtle symbols/ meanings of sex in everthing he comes across in this subject. he got so excited talking about sec tourism, s'poreans going to Batam over the weekends, showing us how Korea's brochure portray their cultures and country, using pictures to entise pple (sex inocations of course). he can even relate airline advertisement - the stewardess as a sex object. it's just a stewardess in a business suit, with the tagline 'taking flight'. so he said it's supposed to be sth like 'taking off'. WTH! i dun find it any more amusing than he finds the ad. but after he mentioned it, it really is tat i'll never look at the same ad in the same way again.

and contiki holiday! he totally spoil my impression of contiki as the ideal tour agent for young adventurous adults. he brought in what he thinks the pamphlet is portraying- sex with multiple parters, not giving a care about who they are- since after the trip, you wont get to see each other again.and he mentioned 'it's so obvious since it's only for pple between the age of 18-35'. this kinda sux. the lesson is all about him giving his views, and his uncovering of such stuff in almost all materials.

and he told us 'i was ugly when i first came to s'pore. had a couple of gfs. one is a model for triumph.' and he went on to inform us that he still sees the ad his ex-gf is on all over s'pore though it was an ad about 7, 8 years ago. told us she was 23 when she took that ad. shld be about 30 now. the way he said it- like the model is an old hag now and shldnt be seen. the image of the huge word 'JERK' just drop from the ceiling and hovers over his head. think it's his evil grin and sheepish smile.

i'm kinda disappointed i got into his class. it's not so much of him spoiling my ideologies of tourism and hospitality..

but more of him spoiling the image/ impression and respect i have for all educators.