half the day to myself

spent half the day in the office and the rest of the day away from the com, endless phone calls, yelling irritating corporate clients, boss, and the organization.
not racing against time, but rather flowing with it.. haven had such luxury time since i started work.. and the fact that i'm contented with this short break makes me wonder if i am really pushing myself too hard..

for an 'ultimate slacker' like me, as quoted from jess; this amount of work is ideal to change my over-indulgence lifestyle.. and this change brings about vitamin M, which is exactly what everyone needs..

made some new friends at work, which makes me very happy.. being able to get along with people whom you face 6 days a week, 8 hours a day, is extremely important to my well-being.. coz i see them more often than i do my family.. and dont we all love the feeling of working together towards a common goal??

the same hate hate relationships we have with:
1) our boss, the almighty Lee
2) the other departments which are obsessed with the new art of Taichi
3) those bugger agents
4) the i-am-your-corporate-client-you-owe-me-a-living kinda pple
5) i-dunno-anything-can-your-department-help OTHER department pple
6) one of the 3 out of the 10 who is yet to be diagnosed to be suffering from mental illness according to statistics
7) the canteen auntie/ new cook/ new-and-old dishes

and before i forget,
8) the aircon which is forever PMS-ing.. even after a repair..

-------------------------------------------------

and my manager FINALLY notices how much some other pet is slacking.. for the same amount of time, i am doing stuff 5 times faster, or more. and why is that so, coz i dont listen to mp3 while working, i dont go on endless smoking and toilet breaks, i dont turn up at work late and stretch my lunch hour.. i am sure every penny i earn is well deserved. i dont want others to label me like they do my other course mates.. so i am standing by my beliefs, doing what i know best.

and that's more than enough, for me.

I've sold my soul to the organisation, if you haven realize it.

I'm trying hard to clock in OTs so that i can clear my poly tuition fees by the end of this vacation. This means emptying my savings and not splurging on stuff this season. If i can repay whatever i owe by this year, i know that I'll have time-buffer for my uni tuition fees and the next couple of years will be smoother and easier.

Colleagues are starting to question why I'm working when i should be outside partying and having the time of my life. They say that office job and OTs are for people with no life, for boring people. yeap. i do agree. and i belong to that group. seriously, i cant take all the put-things-off-wait-till-tomorrow attitude when stuff concerns money. I cant seem to understand why people can buy on credit, then let the interests roll.. I am the old age Asian. I am uncomfortable with debts.


Overhead the DJ discussing on the family topic on the morning show.

When is the last time you had a meal with your family or relatives?

I'm glad my answer is at least weekly.. and i'm kinda surprised some pple never communicate with their parents or siblings. i mean, if you dont talk and trust your family totally, who should you turn to? i find it comfortable chatting with my mom at home over dinner, or when she is getting about the household chores. she knows what i'm doing outside and i know exactly how she feels about what i think or do. it's a 2-way thing. and i like this feeling if bonding.. and when there is trust and absolute faith, i get lots of freedom, and i really mean it.

the strength of a chain is at its weakest link and we work hard to increase the tenacity of each link.

Have half a day to myself tomorrow. will make the best of it.

Ashamed at my ignorance and quick-to-judge personality.

Have always thought that she is this havoc, crazy but independent mom who brings up her two sons single-handedly; assuming that she filed for divorce with her husband long ago. Over lunch today, i listened to her conversation in awed. Her husband is in Changi serving time and due out only in 2010. She feels that it's unfair for her kids not to have a Dad when they're at this critical age of 3 and 5 when your friends from school boast about 'papa and mama'.. she wonders what her kids will do when the teacher asks them to draw a family tree. She doesn't want them to grow up deprived of fatherly love. Quietly, i took in all these and the accounts of what happened back then.. Seriously, it didn't occur to me that those police police crime watch shows on TV can happen to someone so close to me. someone i know. someone whom i assume is taking life a little too easy. and that someone is only a couple of years my senior.

'I have to be strong. Life has to go on.' was what she said. Before i can digest all that info and brace myself up to say some encouraging words, she has already smiled and moved on.. Getting by the to-dos in work and life.. It's as good like that, what i wanted to say means nothing anyway. it's those weightless redundant stuff that pple say for the sake of saying..

Hidden behind this facade for all to see and unknowingly turning into what you weren't in the first place..

Find myself more matured when I'm working... school somehow brings me back to a youthful and rebellious stage when I am the center of my world. work life makes me see the big-ger picture..

Work life has been surprisingly smooth for me lest for some minor glitches and the fact that I'm working in the same place, doing the same things but under a different department that still liaise closely with the old department with a new management heading the team.. and my new boss isn't exactly what you call pleasant or friendly.. he got this temper that is worse than mine, serious biasness, unreasonable, childish and yes.. childish nature. very. no wonder i find his actions so familiar. he reminds me of a dozen sec school girls put together..

fatigue

Finally gotten into the rhythm of having deep sleep for ultimate rest and relaxation at night. I stumble into dreamland the moment my head hit the pillow and the only thing i look forward to each day is to snuggle into bed after a shower to recharge before the next day's to-dos..

Been suffering from the effects of the 3 main sources of discomfort- fatigue, exhaustion and tiredness. basically, they're the same thing so the effect is 3 times that of a single syndrome. and the fact that i face the com the entire day gives me dizzy spells with side-effects like blinking lights and colourful world so going home to face the com is a big NO-NO.

i'm so looking forward to the trip. Let's just hope we dont get stuck at the planning stage, which happens ever so often.

outliving them

I did better than expected for ops, acctg and econs; with unsolved problems, unbalanced financial statements and inaccurate graphs.. yet i aint feeling good.

Why is it so difficult to get an A?

----==========================------------------------=======================

Saw the pics.. Smokers go away..

I dont understand why they always use 'social' or 'can control' as excuses when in fact they shld've NOT smoke since they can 'control' in the first place..

and i cant fathom why they consider puffing a cool act... When it's so ghoulish in the first place.. With those smoke around you and you looking like your soul is detached from your body and your mind in control by some other..

Goodness gracious.. Looks are deceiving.. and the fact that i know these pple makes it even harder for me to accept the fact that they are doing such stuff when in fact if i can live on without those thrills in life, they shld be able to too..

Seriously, if it's like what they say, life is too short to give a miss at stuff; then i guess i just have to accept the fact that i'm going to outlive them..

Dead tired

----------------------------

was reading this lame book on how to ruin my life.. and it mentioned:

Dont let gratitude even enter your mind. The world hasnt completely bowed down before your perfection yet, and it's very far from being a perfect place, so what's there to be grateful for? If you start feeling gratitude- even in some small way- that means you're weak. so forget it.

so if that phrase holds, then it means that i'm a weak person. or not.

No conversation agenda.

Love it.

Been so long since i last chat on the phone.

Suffering from insomnia- look like a walking zombie, and my speech cant seem to coordinate with my mind.. i'm not saying what i'm thinking.. and this is getting worse..

I'm starting work on Monday so i have to find a way to sleep at 10 and wake up at 8 instead of sleep at 6 and wake up at 3 by tomorrow..

Think the Kukup trip is off unless we managed to find more pple to join.. But at least I have Tioman to look forward to.. Please dont let it be a talk-only plan coz I need to recharge..

TGIF

I just realized why I was that lucky yesterday..

TGIF

I got my license! YEAH!!!

YIPEE!!!! I PASS!!!! After six months of learning, I'm now able to sit behind the steering wheel and go where i like whenever i want! yeap. provided the car is available, which is practically impossible.

Went back to TP today.. coz it's CCN day! walked around biz, engine and design.. The usual booths selling drinks, candy floss, fondue, ice-cream, popcorn, brownies, muffins, manicure services, henna, and what not.. As usual, biz is the most happening place to be. lots of shouting, promoting, all those rah-rah.. lolx.. the good old times. i feel as young or even younger than those pple there today..

spent sometime walking around Engine school but couldnt find the new Saffron.. asked a couple of pple and they dunno either..like duh~

couldnt get my bro too.. so didnt get to see the NEW restaurant.. Saw Royston.. Btw, QY what course is Royston studying in TP???

it's amazing.. the place is still pretty much like what i rmbr it to be.. the same old banners.. posters all over for some voting thingy for union and of course promo ads for CCN.. lively bunch of pple so this trip back makes uni education seem so much more dull in contrast..

Alright.. time to drive tonight.. ^.^v

Page one

I edited the template to fit what i feel.

It's exactly what i think it is.
Everything reduced to a one liner.
Almost everything- since most of the important things in life is inexpressible anyway.

CAPS and exclamation marks becoming the tangibalisation tool!!!!! and paragraphs without full stops simply mean i'm too furious to even pause for a breather so i go on and on and rant and rave so as to deflate this inflated balloon of bad pent up emotions..

seriously, everything loses its impact when it is reduced to a one liner. but who cares?

Right now i need to feel good about myself so that i can perform tomorrow.
Cheers, to a better tomorrow and the best of luck to me.

GOOD LUCK!

brick boys

The brickboy series.. seriously, when does poly education includes such fun stuff? My fav is the Jay with fans brickboy, the lion king brickboy, superman brickboy, harry potter brickboy, long mao brickboy, and most of all, the garfield and pokey brickboys.. coz it's my sis's work!

Haven seen Viy and Cerrie in months.. yup.. my slacking khakis.. The Jups days and photo-taking in places with the best lightings.. wonder how they're doing.. Celi shld still be studying at SIM. V shld be still in the hospi industry, maybe as coordinator, or maybe she has a change of job.. i cant even rmbr how i got to know them.. izzit through F&B science where we sat at the last row with the locked room behind us? hmm..

then there's 11-of-us.. well, take away Nixon and add esther.. the ones i've been in contact with are PL, aining, Jo and Eve. haven met the rest in ages.. Hui should be with the love of her life- French, and maybe planning a trip to France in the near future.. HW maybe working temp at some F&B outlet for the holidays, Esther still at the hotel working OT everyday, Lisa applying and preparing for overseas study maybe, Tina surrounded by kids everyday, steph flying 100 miles away from home as the iconic SIA stewardess..

i missed the days in lec where Eve and Tina display their power of infectious laughter, bringing joy to yet another mundane day in school.. i missed going to the canteen and having to look for 3 tables coz there's simply too many of us to fit into one. i missed the wednesday visits to ITAS, the weekly exercise session during the last sem, the Mac snacks before heading home, KTV, Tina's sweets-pouch-passing-session in lecs, meetings at mushroom or biz entrance, the 72 ride and endless gossip about the same topic..

yeap. missed all that. even BIZ etiquette with formal wear.

The usual weekend get-together.. love it.

fell asleep resting on my grandpa's shoulder on the long ride home.. and it feels just like ytd.. the times when we take turns to sit on his lap and listen to stories.. or ask for a piggy back.. or bugging him to take us to the playground when all the other adults refused to. asking for sweets and ice-cream, begging him to take us to the arcade.. him bringing us out for great food and great fun.. especially the fake 20 cents rides with us singing our own songs.. i woke up when he reached my uncle's place and alighted. how he aged. his white hair, weak legs and failing eye sight.

i dunno if it's me. i wonder if it's because i only see him once in awhile that every time i see him he seems older, a lot more than the last time i saw him.

i guess i had always thought of them in the age range of 50+ instead of 70+.. in social work terms, they'd have been considered as the old-old. it never occurred to me that they're already in their 70s.. with their cheerful nature and loud voices that can be heard a corridor away.. and i hope the national statistics are wrong. i hope that the average age of males is NOT 75 and females 80. i hope not. coz it feels like there is not enough time for me to do whatever needs to be done.

Just for laughs =]

－CONTINUE...



and for those who'd been through or is going through tertiary education, you'll love this:



-lolx.. y cant they just leave the comments section blank if they have nth much to say? goodness.. i can imagine a balding lecturer in the LT showing that at the end of the semester @ the revision lec.. haha.. ENJOY

关心

那天写了篇和关心有关的entry。不久后就遇到和那天说的‘站在客观的角度’ 可能就是唯一能够真正关心他人的立场。这不是第一次。从前也有发生过类似的事。等到别人对你说出自己不曾知道或者自己根本不想承认的事时，静下心来好好思考到底应不应该相信他。也许那危言耸听会导致一份友谊的变质，但也许那能够让彼此更加珍惜和了解对方。所以我们是不是只该相信自己的眼睛，把所谓的谣言当屁？或者说我们应该听从旁观者的意见以及想法，好让我们以更客观的立场判断和决定接下来的行动？

还是我应该说只要听见的是‘好’ 事，那我就听。‘坏’ 事呢，我就当耳边疯？尤其主角如果是自己的好朋友，更难作出抉择－听：不相信朋友。不听：也许不能够在第一时间做出原本应该采取的举动，例如帮朋友解决问题。

就现在的我而言，我还是选择相信朋友。不是其他人的话不可靠。但我认为朋友毕竟是不会刻意隐瞒事情的真相，反而会选在最适当的时机让你知道。如真有意隐瞒，那也只是有更合理的解释。Maybe 因为距离和感情越好，越不能够开口。也许是想要避免不必要的冲突，让伤害减到最低。Or maybe 想把唯一能够支持自己的力量留到最后，当一切似乎忍无可忍，身体和心灵接近崩溃边缘时有个人能依靠。那个人，就是朋友。

是个很微妙的关系。一个能在全世界都遗忘你的时候，记住你的脸。一个能在所有人都抛弃你的时候伸出援手扶你一把。一个能在你开心时分享你的喜悦，伤心时分担你的忧愁的人。

友情，亲情，爱情：缺一不可。


而我仍然选择相信那位朋友有自己的苦衷和想法。
是的，对朋友而言，解释－－是多余的。

~walking in circles...

With the recent happenings, i wonder if level-loading is a thing of the past.
I'm glad it's the holidays.. yet i loathe this feeling of overindulgence in the seven deadly sins, especially sloth. as if it extends into infinity.

3 months later, will i be back at where i was? will it seem as if the 'reset' button was pressed and everything back at one? again?

Time flies. It's been 8 long years since the day she left. On Mothers' Day. Mothers' Day has always been one of my love-hate-occasions. Till now, i can still remember what happened that day, saying goodbye then leaving for my maternal grandparent's house for Mothers' Day celebration. Seeing mom's face after receiving the call, leaving in the middle of steamboat, sitting at the back of that red car on the left, looking out without a thought, seeing cars whizzed by and the lamp posts going past in a blur.. reaching the place. tears flow the minute my bag touches the floor. without even looking at her room.

sometimes i hope my memories can fail me.. but they seldom do.. i thought that after so long, stuff will sort of disappear and fade into nothingness. then it just take one spark to set the fire burning.. 8 years. has it really been so long? so long since i last celebrated Mothers' Day in tears?

yeap. move on. stop harping on stuff that i cant change.. i know.

then again, looking back is a way to determine how much we've moved on. isnt it so?

New chapter

yeap. new chapter. finally got down to changing a new blogskin. the old one was supposed to be a temporary solution but i turned out to be the most lasting one.. anyway, wanted to get a kiddish skin but couldnt find one that i like so ya.. found this.. if u have no idea, i'll intro myself again. i'm a 15-yr old kid studying in some high school off the main street in one of the more ulu parts of S'pore. to tell the truth, 15 is really damn old for that cute and childish blogskin but then again, i'm young AND young-er at heart.. so it doesnt seem to matter..

say cheers, for a better tomorrow.

hapi bdae cat

Happy meow meow birthday to cat! the oldest-youngest of us all.. hee



I'm glad we stayed up all night for a nice chat.
I'm glad i didnt succumb to the sleepy bug temptation.

The meet-old-pals-and-pals-of-old-pals gathering was great! Been so long since i last filled balloons with carbon dioxide.. lolx..


- cat getting married.. lolx.. ~

- the Swarovski necklace we bought and her mom put it on for her~


it's a first. really. to think that we know each other for years.. now we know stuff that we thought we knew. seriously, it's good to have more of such chit-chat sessions. or rather, connection sessions.. it's good to hear the truth from the person instead of a third-party. and i sincerely apologise should my actions or reactions made any of u gals unhappy.. and we hope u can take good care of yourself..

Feels like i'm going to one of the sleepover parties in high school, those late night girls talk.. goodness.. the good old days.. and i'm reliving the experience tonight (hopefully).

Not being in the same school makes it difficult to meet up with buddies.. pals u've known for years that u cant even remember how long exactly. is it 10? or 15?

fond memories.. being with them seems more like being with myself. connecting with a older me.. someone from the past.. no worries about having to think before i speak.. they've seen all you in all behaviour, maybe know you more than you do yourself that nothing matters actually.. they'll understand no matter what.. hee..

i missed chatting late at night about the insignificant stuffs as if they make a difference. i want to cook up sth in the middle of the night or grabbing a spoon and a tub of ice-cream sitting in front of the tv watching VCDs or reruns of yet another mediacorp shows..

so i'll definitely have a helluva good time tonight.. meeting old pals and pals of old pals.. feels great. that's one of the benefits of attending those sing-song-cut-cake-sessions..

ONE last paper. Tomorrow's paper marks the end of my semester year. then it's on to 3 months of holiday!

okay. and the first thing i need to do is to work. i seriously need a job.

This is a poison soup to kill all the bad witches, she said. How can you tell the difference? I asked. O, good witches are very polite & say no thank you. Bad witches just die.

---------------------------

found that in my email inbox. what a great way to end the week. seriously, i don't know what i'm doing.

I'm down to only ONE paper, and have totally no urge to study for it. not that i put in a lot of effort for the rest, but at least i tried burning midnight oil for macro and intl econs.. but ended up leaving blanks for 2 parts and guessing 25% of the MCQs.. seems like i cant do anything right this season.

Acctg is not any better. it's the 1st time i'm not able to balance ANYTHING.. and when are Libras bad at balancing?

what a good morale booster.. then legal wasnt much better. i wrote so much but realised i didnt really answer the question.. yeah. talk about good time management. Ops wasnt too bad until i reached the last question. it's a theory based question so it's sort of a giveaway. and guess what, i chose to SKIP that chapter.. yeap. so i wrote a one-liner for a 15-mark qn.. How optimistic..

i should be feeling exasperated.. but i ended up doing what i can and within the 2 hours in the exam venue, i sat there enjoying the peace and quiet. i like the fact that everyone is brought to the same place, trying their best and working seriously towards a common goal. i like the fact that you're at this place with about a thousand people, yet it's so quiet you can hear your own thoughts. it's amazingly peaceful in there, feeling at ease with yourself.. and i like sitting in the middle of nowhere surrounded by rows and rows of tables and chairs arranged neatly and everyone bowed in silence, as if what is happening is a solemn and serious affair. and it's a miracle an examination can do what i thought only religons can..

think i'm just 贱。u know i've mentioned it a million times i loathe that place. BUT i went back. yes. it's like committing a crime, even for a day. i know they're desperate for pple. i know they cant get the other 2 girls to help coz one's overseas and the other wont take time off from study week to commit one day for that pathetic pay doing stupid tasks. seriously, i wonder if i agreed on the basis that i have an excuse to stay away from my books for a day.. coz i really did.

what makes me really happy is that i went back to my favourite department. the aunties are still as cheerful (despite the workload), and they didnt forget me. i saw the 2006 calender on top of the work desk with the month of June on display, and smiled.

the kind of warmth that spreads through your entire body in that icy cold place sets me thinking.. i guess the only thing that is positive in that entire organisation is that small department that's being stashed in a corner of the basement, undervalued and unappreciated. and the joke is, that's the department that's generating revenue for the organisation. like the blood in the valves, that's where the money flows- and that's where pple overlooked..

and as usual, i left that place on a high. how can i not when i can see, hear and feel that they're genuinely concern, with their well-wishes for my coming exams and uni education, with their smiles and offer to go back to help out during my vacation (provided the management approves).. the 10 mins with them made my day, and the 6 hours i spent above ground is such torture and horror. some acquaintance commented that there's no element of surprise in seeing me as i return once in a couple of months.. and another say 'oh, you're here'.. seriously, i dont see why they can stay in the service industry for so long when deep down they dont have what it takes..

and that i think is the main reason why people think their only rated 3.5 when they boast that they're 5. there's a difference between being good and THINKING you're good. and yeap. they belong to the latter. they have no grounds for that claim.. and let's just say i'm evil. i'm kinda happy seeing pple with senior positions quarreling in front of the junior staff. 1stly, they dont deserve any respect after such an 'entertaining performance' and 2ndly, their 'professionalism' shocked me. really. i have doubts about their ability to lead a workforce with a strength of say 50?.. they're STILL hiring pple. yeap. endless hiring.. someone need to REALISE that there's something wrong with the management with such INCREDIBLE turnover rates..

and with the new batch of foreign workers, drawing the same salary for the same position, i bet things are looking better for them. That is, if those new staff dont complain to union about the horrendous job scope. 12 hours of work, 6-day work week, same pay. i get a headache just thinking about it. i tried that for a month, and felt like banging my head against the wall.. they're incredible. serious. and i hope someone complains.

there's a million things to improve on. once, i thought that with the new management team, the organisation will gradually be a better place to work in.. but it seems like i was wrong. they took away a great many benefits, and implemented stringent rules for INMATERIAL claims. and didnt they learn in accounting that for inmaterial stuff, it shouldnt even be in the balance sheet?

every trip back there makes me more grateful for the fact that i'm given a chance to study.. being in a place where stuff dont corrode your entire well-being. school makes me feel good about myself, yes. even exams.

and returning to the dumps always serve as a reminder to give thanks for what i have now. to further appreciate how green the grass is at MY side. great. a lesson learnt. FOC.

他人总是察身而过。。 我也同样是察身而过。。
其他人是透明的吗？或者说。。。我是透明？

来来往往的人潮，把行人道挤得水泄不通。
我发现吵杂声渐渐消失了。
当全世界似乎回荡在一片宁静中，我的思绪在呐喊。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

拍照：
快门按下的那一刻，每个人脸上都堆着笑，
不管是不是真心，至少看起来是快乐的。

也许我们只想留住一切美丽的回忆，让多年后回首过去时，记起的是些快乐的东西。
不开心的，就遗忘在那多年前的现在。毕竟悲伤的过往，谁也没有兴趣知道。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

身边的人，用无法挽留的速度经过，在都市里。
我以为在这么多人的地方，更容易找到交谈的对象才发现不是这么一回事。
或许是相遇随手可得所以不再珍惜。
或许是可以接触的人多所以分散了关心。

可笑的是，‘关心’两个字，似乎是要把心封闭起来才有可能实现的。
这代表着当我们要真正关心一个人时，一定得站在客观的立场吗？

我们爱上了一个不期而遇的人，
也许是因为他唤起了我们的一些回忆。
他的出现，让我们想起当年的人，
当年的时光和那段时光中的自己。
在不可能重复的岁月里，有一些感觉却重来了。

Like the last sentence.. 在不可能重复的岁月里，有一些感觉却重来了...

In the shadows by The Rasmus.. some old song.. =)

想要：

想要：

找到一个通往出口的方向，
指引我到更明亮的前方。

寻找一个没有沉重心情的地方，
让心能无时无刻荡漾。

追寻一些无法到达的梦想，
把遗憾通通释放。

到达一个靠近天堂的地方，
这样我才能把烦恼抛光。

进到一个被称为梦境的地方，
自己才能不用逞强/坚强。

站上舞台的中央，
这样脱下面具也可以算正常。

走在一条没有退路的街上，
才能逼自己不再回头看。

体会拥有欢笑的泪光，
使自己发现代替难过/悲伤 的解放。

拥有一个幸福的池塘，
让我可以随时洗去悲伤。

拿到一个可以让时间冻结的机关，
把世界停留在那美丽的时光。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

finally downloaded the chinese input program.. so more chinese posts coming up..
i love being a chinese. the language is amazing.. and inspirations always come when u least expect it. that stuff above was what i came up with on one of the nights when i'm suffering from insomia.. just like that 'a little chotto' crap i posted way back... lolx..

[我得了一种无法于人相处的病。] 她说

[一种想要孤独的病。
一种热闹就浑身不自在的病。
一种讨厌人类肤浅相处的病。]

{也可以说是一种很在意于人相处的病。} 我说。

但她不承认。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

在整理过去之中，我突然看见某样曾经非常珍惜的东西。
在整理完之后，我仍然把它放在已经不会在意的角落。
因为我只能一追求新的东西好让自己更懂事。
一面把旧的东西塞在角落里，好腾出个空位摆放新的事情。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

会说话的人， 真理总是站在他那一边。
会装饰的人，目光总是放在他那一边。
由于不清楚自己真正要的是什么，
所以大部分的人总是跟着人多的那一边。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

每个人要成长，但‘成长’ 的内容， 真的成长了吗？

从一开始，原点和终点都在这里，只是你没发觉。

有时候，我弄不清楚，人是为了梦想中的生活而努力工作，还是为了工作而放弃梦想。

Ede's birthday! and i'm the 9th guest.. so i rcvd that rubber index with '9', wrote some birthday greetings on a green butterfly.. =) and i met a soci tut mate.. we were like going 'ei... why are u here'.. seriously, i think that question is redundant as the answer is pretty obvious.. lolx.. s'pore really is small.. one sing-song-cut-cake session after another.. angeleigh was there too.. that girl whom they say looks like me. or rather, i look like her.. so, i really have a common face.. let's just see who i look like next..

was flipping thru the pics we took in poly.. gone were the days.. lolx.. and ede has so many friends.. the turnout makes me feel a tad ashame.. she estimated about 90 pple there.. and dun forget those who cant make it.. so there i was, at a party of 90, feeling rather glad that my number-of-friends-scale is way down coz i dun like socializing.. then again, maybe the scale is low BECAUSE i dun like socializing..

so who's next? jo?

I'm not out of my mind. I'm just trying to make life a little more challenging.. In order to make my study week a little less troublesome, i introduced a forced source of motivation.. The lecturer asked if we want another quiz tomorrow and yup. i said aye. lol.. i don't regret it but was rather reluctant in reading the notes.. and the fact that i fell asleep reading the text in the library proved that i really have no interest in the subject. so that'll leave Lan to solve the problems and obtain a solution tomorrow.

am in a whining mood recently.. was feeling grumpy the other day and was telling my cuzzies that some coursemates actually emailed the lecturer coz they're not happy with pple 'cheating' during the quiz.. things like referring to notes or chatting with other groups. for goodness sake, it's a group quiz. we're entitled to chat.. so are they unhappy coz the groups made a lot of noise by discussing the qns or did some groups who refer to cheat sheets violate their principles? seriously, i thought we're all matured enough to mind our own business.. if some pple are alright with doing certain things, then that just goes to show the level of their integrity.. there is no need for a handful of pple to blow up such a matter.. their actions make me feel as if i'm in Primary school with those tale-telling.. seriously.

alright.. i should stop whining and filling my entries with crap.. it's been so long since i have a decent post.. time for a change yeah..

my Pri sch's friend's grandma passed away a couple of days ago, a day before her 21st bdae to be exact. i went to the wake just now.. and as usual, i was reminded of my grandpa's funeral.

My friend greeted me with smiles, as usual.. i think there's this strange phenomenon that only surface during times like this.. we tend to act nonchalant.. or maybe we really were at that point in time, seeing familiar faces- source of comfort..

my friend of 15 years is great. seriously, i've thought about it time and again.. she was the popular girl in sch, the pretty, outgoing, sporty and smart one. so i really have no idea how we clicked then.. she's the one who stood up against this bully, the one who helped me ever so often.. we're always competing.. i think it's more of friendly matches for improvement.. fighting to be the first to hand in our chinese workbook so that it'll be the last book the teacher marks and that we'll be the first one to get back our books for the next lesson.. small stuff like that.. i still remember the long conversations before bedtime, and the Jurassic Park joke.. which coincidently is the cause of my longest laughter.. to tell the truth, i'm a tad jealous of her when we were young. it's like seeing someone with the best of all worlds.. everythng i've ever wanted- then i mean.. now i'm contented..

her bdae gift would have to come much later.. i think about 49 days or 100 days after.. this year she'll receive a super duper belated bdae gift from me..

but a gift full of well-wishes nontheless..

rest in peace.

I always thought that giving others freedom to do what they like is like empowerment. That way they'll grow the way they want, and become what they want to be. Then again, what happens to those who were given the chance yet made/ will make the wrong choice(s)? What if they're not meant to be given free reign of their life, what if it's not so much of a wise choice to tie them too tightly or give up on them? what if they are unable to withstand the consequences? then how would hey move on from that pitfall?

My cousin had an operation in NUH ytd. to remove his toe as a result of negligence due to diabetes. You know, i know too many people with that yucky liability that i find carbonated drinks yucky. i mean, not all carbonated gassy stuff. i still take some on occasions but i stay away from them most of the time, replacing that with tea.

my cousin is only 3 years older than me. he got that since primary 5 when the docs said he has had too much soft drinks and candies... imagine having to amputate one of your toes at the age of 24 because it's beyond hope. and tomorrow is his bdae.. what an unforgettable birthday gift to yourself.. i didnt get to see him. my mom did. so she told me that in order to let the flesh heal to a rounded stump, there's no stitches. so what's left between the other 4 toes is an empty space that's oozing blood..

my grandpa has diabetes too. but it's under control.. it pains me seeing him inject that into his body after meals.. he's a big strong guy but he told me that sometimes the pain is too much to bear. and he jokingly said that there's no space in his stomach that hasnt been pierced by the needle. For a man who lives to eat, this deficiency is evil. He still secretely takes his favourite pig trotters or durians once in awhile but has always been caught by my grandma. coz he'll fall ill soon after indulgence.. and his cough takes forever to recover.. it's like not able to wipe ur mouth clean no matter how hard you try after you sneak a snack. and it's liability for a lifetime.

i've learnt, at a tender age, that every choice i make has an impact in my life. in the quality of life. it doesnt take too much sickness to realise you have to love yourself, more than any other. i dont like smokers, coz i see the difficulty and struggles my paternal grandparents went through before they passed away. i see how a reflex like breathing becomes wheezing and panting just because when others have 2 lungs, you might be depending only on one. and you cant walk fast, cant exert strength, can even climb stairs. so all along, i've been striving towards a goal that can only be realised at the age of retirement. ageing graefully.. and before i achieve that, i need to lay the foundations in which to build my other goals on..

that's why i dont ever want anyone to fall into the same vicious cycle. you can learn to be responsible for your future happiness. you are given a choice. choose wisely. sometimes you reach dead end.. but make sure you turn back in time. do not embark on a road with no return..

yeap. Peiling's bdae today.. the munchies roly poly girl.. anyway, the theme she set for the party is rainbow. so everybody gotta show up in colours.. AND the bdae girl wore black! =( so we were saying that her idea of a rainbow theme is such that we all wear colours so as to make her black outstanding.. lol.. anyway, meting up with old friends sure is a joy.. then again, we're all in the same school.. most of us anyway.. but you know the feeling of meeting up in and gab non stop, updating about our life (yes, i know.. it's the usual sch stuff..), gossiping, laughing and having fun.. yup.. i think u know..

You have no idea how glad i am with most of the workload off my back. but good news never last long.. the lecturer announced yet another quiz next week. Reading The Goal makes me think quite a fair bit of mine as well.. The goal is to make money so everything that works towards the goal is productive while those that don't are not.. so using that as an analogy, if my goal is happiness, what should i do or work towards in order to reach it?

don't blindly follow the common practice (making more money = happiness) just because it seems logical (more money = more purchasing power = ability to do what you want)... what we need to work on is simple to find the constraints to our goal (like tons and piles of work), exploit them (work so damn hard to clear all of them?? burn midnight oil?), then subordinate everything else to the decisions made (plan life around clearing work pile). elevate the system's constraints (like find alternatives to solve the prob?).. and you know, repeat the process over and over again while not letting more constraints get into the way..that way, we keep the operating expenses to a minimal (less procrastination, better anger management, less frustrations and stress etc..) which ultimately (albeit slowly) lead us to the goal.. but then again, having less operating expense might mean being less efficient. but the end result is that we're inching forward instead of marching at square 1. and that's all that matters, in the end.

oh great. by tomorrow i can take this post-it off my bed's headboard. and I've been waiting for a month to do it. yup. my handwriting's crap but i quite like the feeling of coming up with to-do lists and then checking it one by one once I'm done with. for busy weeks, i have another detailed check list. and imagine striking them out before i go to bed, feeling as if I've accomplished a lot. lolx.. deception and illusion..

seriously, i need to do something to my temperament.

i'm starting to wonder if stopping myself from cursing and swearing is the RIGHT thing to do or should i just cut myself some (more) slack..

anyway, haven you heard about it?
Aggression is better than repression..

and if that's not enough, see this one:
it's better to be pissed off than pissed on..

and to hell with the horrible crappy weather. when is the monsoon season EVER going to come? before i die of frustration and dehydration?

cream of the crop

It seems like nothing can boost my enthusiasm level recently. rather bogged down by school stuff lately.. so much so that my social life seems to be in a mess and limited to those sing-song-cut-cake-sessions..

it's irritating when my mind is only filled with sch stuff.. and it reflects badly on how i should advance and improve. life is not just about Math and deadlines..

and i find myself dozing off right after dinner while doing my tutorial.. and that isnt so bad if i dont fall asleep while watching tv too.. and as the frequency of the art of resting increases, the more i question myself. why am i so tired when i dont participate in school activities, no CCA, not even part time work, not helping out doing household chores, not even revising my work or attempting to complete other assignments.. so WHAT the hell am i entitled to fatigue?

Met a poly friend online just now.. she's going to work hard for 5 years so that she can complete her masters and be a full fledge architect.. u know how i envy pple with aspirations.. so i ask myself again: am i going to complete my sch in 2 years so i can graduate and look for a job, keep my original plan of just having a degree for the sake of having one.. or maybe i should stick around some more so that i have extra time to really think through what i want to do and IF possible, do my honours, find something i am passionate about and write a thesis on it, convince others what i believe in and show them what i am capable of.. that is, PROVIDED i am capable enough. in there, everyone is the cream of the crop.

that's what my sec school teachers used to tell the class. u are the cream of the crop. so i used to think that i have to meet expectations to avoid disappointments.. so as to have great dreams and scale greater heights..

but recently i have been thinking...









maybe i am not there as the cream of the crop.
maybe i'm the farmer.

they THOUGHT i took part in the Nationals..

didnt i remind them not to assume? for the millionth time?

so they ASSUME i can drink. didnt i emphasize i am allergic?

i admitted to trying to act busy when someone asked.. there's just so much to do when topics run dry and others are just not comfortable with silence.. for the last time, i have to confess to being much of a person who can spaced out anywhere, anytime. stoning specialist.

as usual, the gathering marks yet another day of the sing-song-cut-cake session..

so enough of rest and relaxation.

back to serious business..

I've been facing this damn laptop for an entire day yesterday and finally managed to get it done today. i only have myself to blame for putting things off till the last minute. yup. procrastinate.

i'm finally done faking my way through (again) about a topic i'm interested in. goodness.. the info i had was originally 26 pages and my page limit is 10. imagine the whole lot of stuff i got to go through. i dont feel a sense of achievement this time round. i guess i'll feel better after completing my stats, ops, econs and fna tutorial plus prepare for my legal presentation on monday and a class quiz for econs on wed.. that, will take up almost all of my waking hours.. and i promised Leya to help tomorrow and i have classes with my cousins at night.. gosh~ blame it on my impulsive nature. i thought i can strive to be a superwoman. lolx..

14 March is White Valentine... it's for females to reciprocate their love/like for the guy(s) who showed their affection on 14 Feb.

so on this day, there's nothing for me to do. As usual, it's just a day like any other.

and the fact that i've been single for so long makes me wonder if i'll stay that way for the rest of my life. Haa..

then again, that doesnt sound like a bad idea.. my aunt is an excellent example.
her house has a amazing array of small miniature fragile displays.. potpourri in almost every room. a home theater system, massage chair, queen-sized bed (not that i dont have), coffee maker, plus a new member of the family- a puppy.. guess life doesnt get any nicer that having total ownership..

In a lighthearted mood today. My presentation was a breeze, coz i didnt care to practice last night. Preparations make me more nervous.. and the fact that my groupmates are so nonchalant as to leave the entire question to me to do and didnt even bother to check makes me wonder if i should be glad that they trust me or that they cant be bothered.. and i was assigned the question coz the rest didnt know how to do it. to top it off, my very responsible grpleader volunteered to compile the report AND be the clicker coz he admitted that he barely knows the chapter, let alone solve the questions. for the last time, i feel like telling him- read the textbook.

Anyway, my group did okay. the tutor gave a somewhat positive reaction before distributing the mid-sem results. i did fair. barely met the average score.

I'm done with Econs. Next up legal, stats assignment & proj and OM by this week. by the end of next week, i can cut myself some slack before going steam-rolling ahead. I have friends telling me the exams are round the corner. yeah right. like 50 days away kind of thing. are they crazy or do they not have better things to do?

My brain cells are dying at an incredible rate.. i have 17 journals/articles to read, select and analyse for my term paper by the end of this week. and all i did was to set aside 5 as backup. yeah. as if that's progress..

This week is hell week for me. so i have to get legal and OM term paper over and done with before i attend some bdae celebration on sat night AND maybe help Leya if i have the time on Sunday.. that i think is out of the question, unless i have super powers..

Now that it's nearing the end of the semester, i'm seriously considering signing up for the special semester so that i can get my bachelors at the end of 2 years instead of 3.. BUT, i dont want to work.. so, opportunity cost. take my pick.

Ching's day/ friendship

Dont think i have the luxury of blogging tomorrow so
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHING!
hope you like the prezzie and enjoyed the outing as much as i did though the power was cut off at kbox for close to an hour.. anything to do with kbox, i'm the suay one.. trust me.. =)

and i sincerely wish that you'll enjoy Monday at work (have a great time with DHL and the advert firm!) and with your family (enjoy ya dinner!).. forget about those frustrating problems/issues for an entire day k.. and stay pretty and happy (i know you will)..

--------------------------------------------------

i went about my daily business thinking about what Eve told me in poly.
back then, she shared with me her views on friendships..
when i get upset thinking why some friendships turn out the way they did, she was the one who told me that as our personalities differ, different friends are just meant to be with you on different occasions.. so there's nothing to be upset or frustrated about..

i'm sure you can name some people whom you spent many a great time with.. and some friends are always there for you during a bad patch- work, family and relationship problems and so on.. some are great company- for movies, some solely for shopping, some for outdoor stuff, some for leisure activities.. you're in luck if you can find someone to share ALL your ups and downs with. but mostly, we settle for the best among the worst.. and let's just pray what you have more friends beside you during a rough patch than happy times..

All of us can live without friends. but who will want to do so if given an alternative?

so let's not be upset when things dont turn out the way we want them to. it is only human nature that you stick with those whom you can connect/ get along well with. and i bet H will never be on my list- good times or bad..

so many thanks to the rest who can. =)

TGIF.

Had a nightmare last night. if i can compile all my nightmares, i'll have an awesome horror show..
and you should look at my dark circles.. i look like a walking zombie..

anyway, i cut my hair. i wasnt aware that it's so horribly long.. it reaches my waist.. imagine the weight i'm carrying ard daily for the past few months. gosh~ no wonder i seem to be suffering from hair loss.. now, this is the shortest hair i spot in like 9 years.. been keeping long hair since sec 1.. and almost wanted a bob cut.. luckily i didnt. still trying to get use to shoulder length hair.. it's the most unbearable length where u know you'll have bad hair day everyday coz your hair dont fall in place and u need lots of pins just to tie a ponytail. but i kinda like the change. it's terrible having long hair in this humid weather.. and i say that becoz i no longer have it.. lolx..

give me 6 months.. my hair'll grow back by then.. provided i dont change my mind soon..

gosh~ wackier by the day..

met some old grpmate.. and he made my day.. yup. with his weird chinese pronounciation.. was feeling grouchy the whole day in school.. the lecturer wasted 2 hours of my sleep by informing us last minute via email that the lec is cancelled. i mean, i dont check my mail b4 i leave the house everyday and by the time i received sms from my friend, i'm already on the way... and it doesnt really make sense travelling back home.. so i ended up having an exceptionally early and long lunch with my uni khaki.. slack while she entertained me with the going-ons with her bf.. i have no idea how he looks like so it's kinda crazy listening to endless funny stories with this character with detailed profile.. like an imaginery personnel in some online game.. lolx..

so i slept through legal lecture (it's nothing new)... and slack thru legal tut pretending i did my homework (yup. 1 paragraph).. and dozed off during stats tut behaving as if i have had an extremely long day.. my friends turned to me and asked if i'm done sleeping coz i slept through the entire day's lessons.. well. to be frank, i haven.

aint sleeping well recently.. and that has a direct impact on my attention span and concentration.. plus it affects my attitude.. so everything else have to wait while i adjust.. i cant function in this listless state.. let alone perform..

..

i finally know the reason for my horrible temper.. i'm a tiger born in the lunar bing yu year.. that means my element is FIRE.. now with that, everything seems to make sense.. fiery, fury and frustration ARE second nature.. lolx..

So it's down to ONE tutorial, ONE mid-sem and 2 proj meetings for next week plus 2 more presentations the week after.. i'll just take things one week at a time.. gone were the days where living day to day is the norm. now i consider that a luxury though theoretically i'm still living life that way..

all i read in the papers the past week were articles on organ donation, Hota and what not. i dont mean (but want to) discriminate some pple.. but their thinking is irksome.. maybe mine is as bad to them but who cares.. some silly person (read: idiot) said that she opted out coz she didnt know how the system works then but after that harvest-liver-wait-then-cannot-liao incident, she got an idea so she's opting out.. BUT she claims that she has nothing against the scheme so she'll definitely opt in AGAIN sometime later. these kuku pple.. wonder how many of these pple are out there.. i can find no other reason they do this (opt out then in) except they have too much free time and want to waste administrative resources.. cant they even have a stand? you have one life. live it. you can be indecisive for ALL the small stuff in life. things like what to eat for dinner, where to go, which movie to watch, what transport to take, which mall to shop, what clothes to buy.. BUT cant they even decide on a simple thing like what they want to do should the journey ends in an accident or when the body if functioning but the brain is dead? i totally understand that some pple opt out due to other beliefs that are stronger, things like they believe (coz they religion convinced them) that you should not touch the eye or donate your cornea when you're dead coz your eyes are suppose to be the light in the other side, when u continue your journey to the nether world. i can accept this kinda reasons for opting out.. and Muslims by default are out. they can opt in though.. these, but not some bizarre excuses.. maybe they can take time to IMAGINE how it's like to be able to save 3-4 more lives (if possible) when u legally disappear from the face of the earth, and how your family will feel when they know that though you're no longer with them, a part of you still lives.. and think about the pple on the receiving end.. how great it is to be able to touch a life, with the last thing you do a good deed.. gain some good karma before you move on.. and it's a privilege given to a handful.. ... ... oh.. i take pleasure knowing that those pple who opt out of the scheme will be the LAST on the waiting list should they EVER need a transplant. meaning, an eye for an eye. (read: haha. you're NEVER going to have a transplant so u can jolly well wait, count down to THE date and make whatever preparations needed after you're gone).

say aye. love the way this scheme works.. especially the sorry-you-didn't-want-this-benefit-in-the-first-place-so-now-that-you-need-it-i'm-sorry-but-too-bad-it's-never-to-be-given-to-you-again deal.lolx.. crazy childish thoughts on a saturday night. lolx..

i know i die die wont be able to complete my legal assignment before i sleep coz the room is now turning, turning, turning.. and i cant focus when my body aint in balance.. my day started off great. i got motivated enough to spend 5 hours on an assignment, which means i'm going to check that task off my to-do list by tonight, AND i have one less section to study for the exams..

my goal for the whole of Friday will be to go for my lessons in the morning, followed by clearing AT LEAST 4 tutorials before i sleep so as to start revising for mid-sem next week.. i'm determined to minimise March nightmares...

good. if i keep reminding myself how awesome it is to be organised and in charge of the situation, eventually i'll convince myself that time is on my side..

Grrrrrr

Exactly a year ago, i started my temp job in TMS. 28 Feb. the last day of Feb. Having mixed feelings on this particular day.. Contented coz it's a rainy day, my lessons ended early and econs mid-sem is over. Kinda sad coz unknowingly, i made another leap across memories.. Guilty coz i didnt prepare well enough for the mid-sem today. Exhausted coz i'm still recovering from lack of sleep and sore throat. Unhappy coz i have to prepare for tml's tut and absolutely disgusted at my lack of motivation and that temptations got the better of me. i've decided. to give myself a break. at least till evening. watch some shows, listen to some songs, chat with my mom and sis, enjoy the weather and have a cup of coffee.

so. about a year ago i sat through my last poly exam paper thinking gosh~i'm so gonna miss this feeling..

360 over days later, i'm loathing the end of February.. i'm looking forward to semester break alr. that is, if i managed to do all the below in order in March:
compete my 30% legal assignment
study for my stats mid-term
prepae for legal presentation
prepare for econs presentation
prepare for accounting presentation
hand up my ops mgtmnt assignment
hand up stats project
hand up accounting project

and yes. the main point is, before i do all that, i need to start my research, not to forget the many project meetings before we even start discussing for presenation, complete my survey questionnaire, no. i have to come up with relevant topics first. and before i do all that, i have to make sure i have time to complete ALL my other tutorials. and u're right. i'm screwed. i have YET to start on even ONE of the above.

and beyond that, i need to plan to visit my grandparents. plan to leave time for some rest and relaxation, and not to forget some regular exercise.

oh great. things are getting better. they are turning worse at a slower rate. at least i got them organised. God bless.

feel rejuvenated.

term break is over. so i'm looking forward to semester break. just a couple of weeks more and say yeah to freedom.. that is, after the projects, presentations and exams...before that, 2 mid-term tests.. and i think i better start looking for a job soon.. some temp job for 2-3 months to keep myself busy AND my pockets full during the 3-mth sem break. full for the GSS before the GST hike..

Despite all your rage, you're still just a rat in a cage. Get out of your box.
You will find that influences from other people can cause some serious
transformations in your general frame of mind. Let your belief systems loosen
up, and let them morph into other frames of mind. Consider new ways of living.
Do things to get out of the conventional social construct of how you should live
your life.

yup. maybe i should follow the horoscope advice.. lolx..

yup. ultimate slacking since last Friday. Turn my lifestyle upside down. i wake up well after noon.. and i've been pushing the limit.. woke up at 5pm today, thinking it feels just like 1pm.. woke up with guilt hanging over my head.. finally started on my legal tutorial.. which i spent almost an hour completing and then uploading my answers to the forum for my grpmates.. then i signed into msn.. only to find another grpmate bombarding me with qns on an individual essay due in 2 weeks time. gosh.. i didnt know they're already going steam rolling ahead, leaving me behind.. lolx.. whatever it is, i'm planning to take my time. one step at a time i guess.. 2 mid-term tests coming up..

yup. amazed at my lack of interest in everything. especially sch work. yup. yup. more qns on econs test.. i've been telling pple to relax.. it's only a mid-sem for goodness sake. they shld learn to not take evrything so seriously.. or maybe i am the one who shldnt be indifferent. haa.. so they say i am confident. maybe they sldnt judge a book by its cover. maybe what they didnt see is my apathetic attitude.

Happy CNY!!

i love the way the story starts..

OS... about how life is a game.. and that if you get around stuff (acting) well, keeping a good position without getting hurt, then it'll be easy to reach whatever goals you have..

so the lead actor went about school with all those thoughts about putting in his full effort acting friendly and helpful.. trying to be perfect..

oh great. i think i know what's goig to happen later. just 10 mins into the show and i know how the story will flow.. someone (some pple) will sort of find out, or ruin his plans but they'll become great friends in the end..

then again.. all stories seem to go like that..

This CNY, i stayed at home, or at my cousin's place, watching TV/com or reading.. there's nothing much to do besides munching on stuff anyway..

Char took the morning flight to Perth this morning.. So by now she shld have already settled down... i wished i were on a plane to somewhere, anywhere.. get out of this boring cycle.. This term break is going to be a hellavu long time.. hjkklhcsasertikop;,lmb arhyckfsuojjlnvfasdbo[o'lm nc chfgujpkkn,bjc nbyduyr8upkn
\
oh great. i'm going bonkers..

self-criticism that undermines your self-confidence..
so perhaps it's time for you to take more risks.

Did a test and that's the advice i got.. lolx.. maybe it's time to take more risks.. lolx..

This year, besides being thankful of the fact that i'm a chinese and have 2 chances a year for new beginnings, i have little else to be happy and excited about. I'm long over the honeymoon period of slacking and enjoying my days as the deadlies draw near. Besides that, i cant celebrate CNY for 2 years running and i guess tomorrow's reunion dinner will be a weird affair coz my grandpa wont be at the table with us, kicking start a new year. by right, we cant even have a reunion dinner. but seriously, we need to get over things.. so i rejoice that my term break coincides with CNY, even though it seems like the school cheated us of 2 days break.. anyway, this year CNY will be filled with gatherings, shows, gambling and studying.. term tests are right after the break.

My sis got on my nerves.. so i set a login password for my lappie. I warned her so many times NOT to eat and drink ON TOP on my laptop. she disregards all that, claiming that she wont dirty it no matter what, and continue typing away with her dirty fingers! i've been trying hard to be patient.. and i guess 4 months is long enough contamination and forgiveness..

now, she cant use it coz i set a bizzard password. something totally unexpected. well, i surprise myself sometimes..

FYI, i prefer green tea and banana milkshakes to beer anytime, anyday. beer is a social drink. so pls dun make me drink that coz i'll have to deal with the rashes the next morning when some other deal with hangover..
AND...
i still cant seem to get along beyond the surface with some pple.. no matter how hard i try..

My sis got back her Os results today.. That reminds me of the day i went back to collect mine. Wearing the high school U for the last time, sitting in the school hall listening to all those plan-for-your-future talks and the last time sharing your dreams with your high school mates... I remembered the moment they called my name, the feeling when i stood up with hesitation and later with pride, the handshakes, the hugs, the smiles and the tears..

but no matter how hard i try, i cant recall what i did after that. i guess we must have went out for celebration or sth, promising to keep in contact forever... sadly, our forever became never as we got frustrated with only able to get Jas thru tempura maki, some work issues at Sakae, some VCD cover issue, meeting up to go to school issue, and before i forget, MAURICE!

all in all, guess the problem lies in us having the same personality trait.. not enthu enough to take the initiative to organise gatherings and such.. Maybe we tried (a couple of time), and gave up altogether coz of the consecutive failures that led to a pathetic success rate.. Guess we all have more important things in life at that point in time and when we want to turn back time, it's too late..

cant believe it has been 4 years since i graduated.. recalled some of the goals i set when i stood clutching that piece of paper in the all 4 years back.. some of them have been met so maybe i ought to set more?

The new Seiko watch! finally a ladies watch by Seiko. it took them months to come up with and manufacture this!!
Lovely watch that screams individuality. Anyway, my friend was saying that nothing beats the designs from sovil titus.. the left-most one. ~.~ doesn't matter.. to each his own.

met up with Prissy and Eileen... to pass Pris her long overdue birthday present.. she just got back from her Thailand shopping trip!! that made me very jealous.. but well, her work is crazy so i guess she deserves a break.

we lost contact for damn long coz she lost her phone last year and my contacts got zapped recently.. aint able to contact each other without the numbers... so we've been putting off our kbox outing for months.. but that's usually the case... but it's nice to have promises to look forward to..

I'm so looking forward to CNY coz it signifies the start of my term break, which also happens to be the sign for me to get started on my mid-term tests AND projects... This time round, signs are all over, and NEON ones at such...

cheers, to a better tomorrow.

TGIF. It's friday! my rest day.
TGIF- Thank God I'm Female. lolx..

anyway putting all that aside, did u notice the Dove's self-esteem fund? the one targeted at teenagers.. i see ads all over Singapore.. especially the ones with the caption something like '1 in 5 consider plastic surgery' and '15 is the average age of females with eating disorders'... it's great huh.. some organisation has stepped out to attempt to solve this ongoing and growing concern.

School life is finally in place. this semester i find myself a little more enthu compared to last sem and a whole lot more motivated. Let's just pray this stays..

I love coming home after a long day in school to see my mom standing at the kitchen doorway smiling and asking how my day turn out. asking if i got caught in the rain and if i'm hungry. i love the feeling of being cared for and loved, and indulge in every moment of those little acts that i know i'll treasure till the end of time.. acts that i sometimes take for granted, little things like making me a cup of hot tea on a rainy day when i'm lazing around reading a book on the rocking chair. comments like 'enjoy yourself' when i call home on a late night out and 'good luck' before every exam paper. i guess these are some of the ways pple tangibalise the important intangibles...

thankful.. of being given the opportunity to be child-like forever..

On my mom's bdae, i sent an sms dedication to her favourite radio station. my dad did it too. she called me when i was on my way to school.. and i think i made myself happier than her. Just like my grandma's bdae. Gave her a nicely arranged rose hand bouquet and felt happier than i could have if i bought it for myself.

think 'you can't put perfume on others without getting some on yourself'.

The days are getting longer, nights shorter and maybe that explains my inappropriate entry. this can well be a May entry. lolx...

Oh.. do play the music file i placed at the bottom left of this page. I dun understand cantonese but this song is nice..

The projects are fast falling in place. I find myself starting to oil the gears so they dont get stuck when i have to go steam-rolling ahead.

The following phrase describes my feeling during tutorials:
[Everyone else was talking, there wasn't much left to say]
This, can also be applied to my daily encounters with pple.

AND, i always try my best-est to stand by my belief-
DO NOT SPEAK UNLESS YOU CAN IMPROVE ON SILENCE.

I finally grasp the meaning behind the phrase "People are beset with problems because they are too sober.." Had a little too much to drink last night. always thought that before i get to know what it meant, i need to first learn to like drinking, and find a way to deal with the rashes and hangover the following day.. But it seems that i can deal with both problems with that invisible limit. that's why we're always told Libras can balance.

Guess i'm a step closer to understanding why pple drink until dead drunk.. Besides postponing their problems, they get to have a great night sleep with improved blood circulation. Next time i'll do it again. just for the kuai gan.

Was in the mood for something different. All thanks to that indecisive nature of mine...

Got that IQ test link thru ching's blog. That test is so inaccurate i dunno what to say. lolx. If it's accurate, i shld be somewhere doing something great and my life SHOULD be full of possibilities and opportunities. but as far as i can see, it isnt so.

Anyway, i managed to plan my timetable to a 4-day week but the minus points of this decision is that i'll have longer days in school, and more breaks in between. the break issue isnt that critical as i can slack ard, plan project meetings or what in between the 2 hours, but it's the long days that i'm worried about. For a slacker like me, it's the norm to sleep through lectures and sometimes tutorials. Therefore, i'm prepared to miss out more stuff than usual.. Let's just pray everything turns out fine.

Anyway, i'm a little depressed though i kinda expected the results. I got a C+ grade last semester. My friends were saying that they didnt do very well for last semester and they got Bs for all their modules. AND that happened to be what i am trying to aim for- not get a C, not right in the very beginning. Then again, this is deja-vu. I got a C grade in my poly first sem, and the results are similar. So i kinda got the hunch that my uni education is going to turn out just fine. maybe not as great as poly, but definitely not terrible. I took 2 level 2 modules (AGAIN) this sem and all 5 are core modules. Friends are saying i'm crazy to compete with the year 2s.. BUT they didnt realise that i'm the same age as most of those year 2 girls so they're not really very much ahead and senior as it seems. and tertiary education is as such. U have to learn to disregard all those labels and terms that scare you and affect your confidence level. if not, education is simply too tough to go on with those invisible conditions that u feel you have to meet. sometimes i take my hat off myself. lolx. Independence is now part of me. I find it alright to sign up for classes alone, without the hassle of calling up pple and asking what they choose coz ultimately, u'll get over it. I did that last semester so doing it again this sem is a breeze. U know, practice makes perfect.

LOLX

My phone contact list totally wiped out due to the 'unlikely event that my ** product needs service', as the warranty card states... talk about suayness. AND this happened on New Year's day, when it is supposed to be a day of new beginnings, and coincidently shortly after my post on 'stupid thought of losing my phone just so as to clear contact list without going thru them one by one'. talking about coincidences.. the book i happen to borrow has this saying:

"Either the world is full of coincidences or there no such thing as a coincidence."

It seems so much like a big fat joke. just that i'm not laughing. so pls pple, when u drop me an sms, do include ur name as well. i'm already quite sick of explaining what happened. spare me the torture of going thru it again. thanks.

Sch's started and i'm all ready. how i wished i could say that without the guilt tugging at my heart and my subconscious (preconscious actually) chiding me for even wanting to say that white lie. I'm so not prepared to take all 5 biz core modules this sem. But shouldnt i start building up confidence before i embark on true adulthood where i can go watch Borat without thinking how nice it can be to go watch it on film instead of reading those damn reviews.

anyway, to lighter subjects.. i've finished reading this book titled 'Snow Flower and the Secret Fan' by Lisa See. I aint a great fan of novels but happened to grab this book without even glancing thru the backcover. guess it's one of the animism-take-center days where inanimate objects seem to will u to do certain things.. like the excuse pple always give when they buy stuff on impulse. it's the 'i-just-have-to-get-it--the-dress/bag/shoes-is-asking-me-to-take-it-home' kinda situation.. digressing a little.. anyway, that book is great. perfect for the weekend.

every ending is just a beginning and learning to seek newpaths when u reach dead end. Guess with one week into the semester, i'll just have to get going till i'm done with it. and look forward to term break! yeah. talk about optimism.

oh great. My phone KO-ed this holiday season so i guess i'll have to send it to the service centre sometime this week. Geez.. Decided to have a break without my phone so pple, pls do call my house phone for urgent matters.

My twin and i.. lolx..
Botak tomboy.

This marks the end of a year and the start of the next.
While striving to live life to the fullest, let's just believe in the following:

- To live for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top.
- If you wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes. If you don't wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes.
- We can't stop the waves, but we can learn to surf.
- We spend 99% of our time walking towards our goals, and only 1% on the goal itself… so shouldn't we learn to enjoy the walking, too??
- It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters in the end.
- We do not remember days, we remember moments.
- The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.


In this time and age where we bank on efficiency, time-pressure comes into place naturally in our daily lives, so much so that we go steam-rolling ahead without stopping. I try to bear in mind that doing more things faster is no substitute for doing the right things and am still working on speaking at a slower rate and regulating emotions though I don't seem to be succeeding.

Sometime back, I read some book reviews and noted the following sentence:
"I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear."- Joan Didion
Seems like everyone is trying to find sanity through words, in this ever-changing world.

Another excerpt:
"From day to day, as you walk down a busy street in the large and modern and prosperous city in which you work and live, dismayed, puzzled… at how alone you feel in this crowd, and how awful it is to go unnoticed, how awful to go unloved, even as you are surrounded by more people than you could possibly get to know in a lifetime that lasted for millennia. One da that awful feeling of displacement comes over you... Being ordinary is already so taxing, and being ordinary takes all you have out of you.." (Jamaica Kincaid: A small place)
-This, describes the exact feeling of helplessness and loneliness…

I guess I've much fate with Taoism and Buddhism much more than the rest. But that doesn't mean I don't believe in others. When the school's Dharma club's booth was up for that particular day outside the library, I happened to past by and took this book which teaches the everyday stuff.

It mentioned that the first challenge is to put out my own fire as one who is on fire is more likely to spread fire with what he touches than to put them out. (people asking for advice/ people needing help. Just like the SJAB D-ABC way. Check for Danger, check Airways, Breathing, and Circulation.. lolx)

Many things matter a lot to me but I still take them lightly. It's not as if I have an indifferent attitude. It just means that I take things in my stride. Somehow I've managed to convince myself that nothing is permanent, as hard as I may try. Coz how can anything I hold on to remain the same when even I myself, the holder, change?.
So as nothing is materially substantial, we shouldn’t constantly look for 'substance' in life.

So a perfect answer to the question:
Being alone is just being alone.
Being lonely is being unhappy about being alone.

Oh.. And one of the reasons why I love rainy days is just that rain is the only thing that binds Heaven and Earth. So right now, I can just imagine you sitting in front of the monitor nodding/ saying "Oh ya! Aha! I see!"

Cheers, to a better year!

These late nights made me a little more emo than usual.

Re-read my 2006 first few entries.. so i see. i had a great start.
didnt realise it's close to a year. i'm still as immature as ever. but i've learnt to live with it. haa

the entries got me thinking. i've grown, in age but not wisdom.
and most times, i seem to make more sense in the past.. not to mention my beliefs.. lolx.. how i stand by them. not that i dont now, but they seem to matter more then.

so.. i stated very clearly that blogging isnt sharing coz it's one-way communication. then i continue to post stuff that i think i want to share. geez.. guess life's just one contradiction after another.

2005 is even more incredible. i posted a quote i saw in HTM's office.
so here it is again:
[You cannot change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust the sails]
so choose your own destiny.

yeap. 2005 is the year of the tsunami. so 2 years after that disaster, i sit at the same spot in the comfort of my home, typing away and thinking this must be a joke. yeap. Life's a big fat joke.

Hohoho... Xmas is over..

Did the ultimate slacking this festive season. No work, no commitment, minimal activities.. lolx..

My Dad gave me the funniest present ever (besides the pink cat without a mouth)..

this year has been a great year. Xmas always signifies the end of a year and the beginning of the next. This year has truly been a good one, with lessons learnt, fun enjoyed, sadness felt, and memories renewed. so BRING IT ON 2007!!!

A crazy thought got ran over yesterday.
Told my mom it's aint too bad an idea to lose my phone once every 2 years or so.. This saves me the need to ever go through the list in the phonebook to 'decide' whether to delete it or not.

Went through the process of clearing my cupboard, dust and all.
Threw away so many stuff that i treasured years back but meant nothing now. boxes, boxes and more boxes. Reminisces... ... saw the stuffed toys my dad got me when he went to Japan when i was in Primary school. I told him i want my melody, the pink rabbit under Sanrio creation. and it was the first time he came back with gifts for me.. yeah. FOUR HELLO KITTIES.. so i asked him in what way is a cat similar to a rabbit. anyway, they are gifts that make me smile, even till now. and to me, the BEST gifts are those that make me smile.

told my mom the story of the 3 boxes. my story of the 3 boxes. then i overheard her telling the same story to my aunt over the phone. lolx..

the story goes like this....

whenever u pack, you need 3 boxes (can substitude with big plastic bags).
the first box contains- Things that you definitely want
the second box contains- Things that you definitely want to get rid of
the third box contains- Things that u dunno whether to keep or not but are quite unwilling to throw away.

After sorting out, keep the first box, make sure the second box and its contents disappear, and stash the third box in the storeroom or under your bed.
When the next clearing day comes, throw away the 'third' box and whatever that's inside and begin with 3 boxes again.

Freud's theory somehow plays a part, with his Id, Ego and superego stuff and the conscious, preconscious, subconscious and what not.. You see, contents in the third box are things that you dunno whether you want or not.. it lies in between the treasure vs trash line. Hence, anywhere between the time of the first clearance and the next, whenever you 'think' of an item, you will definitely 'dig' it out of the third box, thus changing its status from nil to something. For other stuff that you dont even recall having or have totally forgotten ever owning, it doesnt matter if they're not yours now or in future. throw them away or donate to charity. dun let it clutter your living space. it doesnt matter now, or ever.

I apply my theory of the 3 boxes everytime i do clearance. and it has always worked perfectly. so there. Good things are meant to be shared.

Extracted my LAST wisdom tooth today, all thanks to my mom who suggested it.

It saved me 350 bucks!!! the amount the SCHOOL dentist quoted minus the actual price i paid in a PRIVATE clinic.

I refused to take any painkillers, and stubbornly ate curry fish head and tang yuan for dinner right after the operation, when half my mouth was still recovering from anesthetic. When i extracted the left wisdom tooth, it was the mooncake festival and i had da bing right after the operation. So today i wonder, what is the limit of my tolerance level.

Like i always say, painkillers are the drugs for a better today but horrible tomorrow. you only take it when you have one foot into you-know-where.

Told the dentist i want it out ASAP. yeap. call me crazy. right BEFORE xmas. then again, my body never really fail me. or so i choose to believe. so let's just say i'm optimistic abt the future.

I remembered posting one entry regarding my wisdom tooth, saying that the right out is out to get me coz i got out the left one. HAA.

anyway, random thoughts...

Love the weather. i have no idea how many times i must emphasize that. So my bro told me that only emo people love rainy days. well, i take that as a compliment.

it certainly matches the season. cool, special. well, thank god i dont have to work. imagine dragging out of bed at 7 to prepare for work when you can stay snug in bed till noon. that's indulgence. the ultimate festive indulgence.

Embracing change this season.

Plans for a better tomorrow.

Spent the say at IKEA Tampines. Love the place. love walking randomly in search of wants. love walking randomly in search of wants in a nice environment with the rain roaring outside.

met Daryl on the way back. He was talking about the 5 years ago stuff.. yeap. 5 years ago... let's just say some meories are meant to be forgotten.

felt like singing 'santa claus is coming to town' at the top of my voice.. the christmassy feel.

anyway, read an article and it mentioned about those with shiny red nose sit at home on christmas with tissue on one hand.. lolx..

okie. i need to come up with a shopping list to kick start my xmas shopping. then again, i need to curb my spending coz i'm not earning money fast enough. let's just hope the weekends turn out fine.

took a pic with a girl whom the whole revenue dept says look like me. or rather, i look like her. then, both of us disagree. well, saw her in person. have yet to see the pic. let's just wait..

Cuzzie's wedding on Sat and the dinner on Sunday at Orchard hotel. The bride and bridegroom looked picture perfect! I wasnt involved in the Sat celebrations coz *long story*...

anyway, the dinner wasnt too bad. the servers for my table all look alike! the couple was soooo sweet i cannot tahan. after the yum seng thingy, we cousins crowd ard for 2nd round of toasting. they say yum seng 3 times each round has a significance and i've forgotten all except the 3rd one. it means zhao sheng gui zi.. so for that 3rd toast we yummmmmm for very long.. coz they're trying for a baby with the piggy zodiac.. great! let's just hope the baby's born in the Libra horoscope too! hee~

really. this is the PERFECT season to get married.

for this season, i did some changes. coloured my hair again, tried brown base with orange (warm orangey color. perfect hint with candle light. not the orange gobstopper orange k! lolx..) highlights all over and purple highlights on my fringe only. i'm only worried about the purple highlights coz she bleached it before dyeing. that means when the color fade, it'll turn my hair to crap. but then, who cares. i'll just let it grow back.

starting anew with colors in my life brings back some level of confidence. u know u really was in a really distasteful phase in life when u experienced the feeling of confidence boost, sudden happiness or reduced negative moods. it's as if that is not the kind of life worth living. with that, i can say i feel good at all times, even when i wake up in the morning with a big zit. i am pretty, pretty confident. lolx. when u feel good, things fall nicely in place. i can feel myself glowing, glowing, glowing... glowing like a candle in the dark... maybe becoz u feel good, u want to look good, so that's how one good thing leads to another. and when u feel and look good, a few compliments wont hurt. and compliments are ego boosters.. that will ultimately raise your happiness level.

so see. the magic of colors.

thank god for this magical season. season of love and sharing.

Counting down.

Just 4 more days, 3 more papers, 2 trips to school and i can look forward to 1 wedding function.

I have a million and one thing to do by the end of this year.
I badly need to clear my cupboards, which are filled with poly notes and gift boxes, notebooks and what not.
I need to clean my dresser- half filled with dust.
I need to clean my fridge to sort of try to prolong its life.
I need to search for a new blog skin and do the half-yearly modification.
I need to clear my mailbox.
I need to...
I need to...
I need to...

AND before i start on any of the above NEED-TOs,
I REALLY need to start revising my notes. and damn. that's the only thing i dun want to.