am really glad that the weekends are here.. and that my fav season is approaching..

nightmares end this Dec

Pray that i wont ever get to see war on the land that i'm on. it's kinda sad listening to floating stories from my grandparents.. listening to how their lives changed coz of the war. knowing the pain and terror they face during good times.. that's why i've always been a little paranoid about enjoying the good things in life.. coz u wont ever know if it's just a smokescreen.

and money.. it's the root of all evil. and the reason why it's the root of all evil is beacause it's a good medium of exchange.. and the medium of exchange serves as a value in which pple use to go about their everyday lives.. that's why we cant help but want more of it.. that's why we cant get rid of it, ever.

it's the perfect game strategy ever created so that this game never ends.. and it never will, so long as this fundamental rule applies..

the humid weather is getting on my nerves.. i'm so looking forward to this rainy season.. partly so coz it'll ease the horrid size effects of the haze condition, but more so of the refreshing feel it brings.. and what is this grey-sky-no-rain thing that's been around for 2 days? felt as if everything has been repressed.. and somethings are going to explode soon.. it better not be me.

Okay. Take a deep breath.

Before i continue on my never ending econs preparation for tomorrow's meeting, i need to pray, for a miracle.

Firstly, all thanks to a groupmate, we're half done with the assignment. But then, i get more confused reading his answers though his 'answer sheet' seem to have the perfect solutions.. all coz of the complex equations..

this whole thing is slowing driving me nuts. but lucky i receive mails with content like:

[ we are already meeting on monday and that will be the main meeting.
technically u should be free coz u r in the same lec group as us!
so having something totally unmissable is not an excuse.]

[It is rather unfortunate that you misunderstood my good intentions for I merely suggested Tuesday as I figured it would suit everyone’s convenience better. However, since you insist on Monday, I shall oblige.

In the future, it would be much appreciated if you could perhaps use a more polite and respectful tone when mailing all of us.

Speaking of technicalities, when something is considered unmissable it is only logical to assume that it is in fact an excuse.

As for the rest, see you tmw.]

yeap. these brainy pple are funny.. serious.. proj work never get half as interesting as these useless crap.. they brighten up my day.. lolx..

spent yet another day slacking away. finished dou yu II (some old taiwan drama) within 2 days.. it's an achievement.. and i felt twice as guilty after watching the show coz i could've done so many other things that are on my priority list.. yeah.. opportunity cost i know..

but then...

i'm celebrating this festive season with the Hindus and Muslims counterparts. we're living in a cosmopolitan society.. so i shld learn to embrace other cultures.. and that is a damn good excuse for my total indulgence over the weekend..

cheers for a better tomorrow, coz i'm so not looking forward to tourism sociology meeting in the morning talking abt what i've researched and read up on.. coz i haven even touch a thing.. have to crap up something.. i pray for forgiveness for my laziness and for my little white lie tomorrow.. great.. and what abt trainings? haven been attending them for like 3 weeks? yeah.. proj workload and deadlines are just excuses.. so maybe i can pray for some commitment now that activities are no longer important? and i need more fuel.. for the passion. but first, i must find the spark. yeah. give me 2 stones.

now time for the only game that i'm constantly practising.. killing brain cells..

cheers, for a better tomorrow..

Yup. i'm oficially 20. It doesnt really make a lot of difference between 19 and 20 since it's all psychological. pple auto round it up. i've been saying i'm 20 since last year and i look like 23 anyway, so shld be grateful that i'm becoming younger each year.

struggling for 3 nights straight for the marketing individual proj.. i'm not a perfectionist but i do want to give my best.. this year, i wish for more contentment, and the ability to forgive the nitty gritties in life. unimportant things that shldnt take priority or cause any major disturbances in my life in the first place. things that shld take a backseat shld be in the boot.

Thanks to all who gave birthday greetings.. it's nice knowing pple remember my bdae, though friendster and birthdayalarm.com help a great deal in sending reminders.. lolx..

Jo's sms made me smile. guess the best gifts are those that make pple smile, regardless of the price value of the item.
she hopes that i'll meet prince today. well well.. first and foremost, how am i able to meet him when cinderella's already got him like 'a long long time ago?' and that even if he somehow starts travelling to my world now, he'll take 'a long long time' to reach my side. so this is impossible.. lolx.. and if he's gone, then cinderella = poor thing.

i'm indulging, soaking up the serenity that can only be experienced at this unearthly hour. taking time to sit ard and not do school work, feeling like the world owes me sth just for today.. and that this being my day is good enough an excuse for anything else i feel like putting aside..

aint in the reflective mood recently. maybe that's why i haven been able to improve, to march forward. i need time to connect with myself. guess that's the only disadvantage of being a Libra- the need to balance, precisely.. lolx..

Yup.. got this off some astrology webbie:

As much as you may not want to deal with the very things you absolutely must, the time has come. You can't postpone the inevitable any longer. You have had your time to rest and recuperate; now it is time to put the gears in motion. You are likely to get very emotional about your work today, so you might as well establish a good relationship with it instead of a negative one.

yeah.. i'm really working my ass off on that idiotic product life cycle.
the above sentence is a clear indication that i'm not postponing, definitely puting my gears in action and is very emotional!

okay. i know what i want for my birthday- compliments for the whole day.

kinda long since the last compliment.. cant even remember when.. it's the encore, encore feeling. gosh~ PJ must be crazy. well, i need to hear some nice things about me every now and then in order to stay happy and young.. so maybe it's time to get a bf? lolx..

somewhere is wired wrongly.. and i need to get away from marketing product life cycle. dun recall having to put in so much effort for a poly proj.. what did i get myself into this time? :(

went for a class gathering that i wasnt really invited to go by coincidence.
joined the gang but nv talk much.. the rest are pretty much the same after so long. realised how much i've aged, not them. our social circles never cross. even though we're in the same area, sitting at the same table, trying hard to make ourselves comfortable in each other's presence, i guess there's still no connection. it's kinda sad knowing that i spent 2 whole years of my life with a group of pple than i cant really find a common focal point with. i tried, so hard to find sth to talk about- school. but then again, like what they say, pls lor, talking abt school on a weekend. how nice! seriously speaking, other than that, and another common question 'do u have a bf now?', we have like not much common topics.

kinda pathetic how things turn out. but they wont die without having me as a friend since we have never been getting along fantastically... on the contrary, it's weird when we meet up suddenly and have to get use to that strange unfamiliar interpersonal relationship that plainly shows that u're trying too hard for sth that hasnt been achieved in the past and will never turn out well in the future (at least for this lifetime).

Glad that doesnt happen to everyone ard me. i'm pretty comfortable with meeting some friends that i haven been seeing in ages and picking the friendship where we left off knowing that certain things will never change and they're here to stay. what a nice phrase. here to stay. it's like living in a comfort zone knowing there are things that will keep u rooted. yes~ it's the anchored feeling we're attached to.

product life cycle. that damn marketing term.
this mere 15% is taking up so much more time than a 40% mid-term revision. then again, econs assignments still far surpass others in terms of minimal weightage but maximum time/energy contribution and this subject has 4 assignments in total, and 2 presentations. like wth.. and it's a group with 9 members. hohoho.. merry christmas!

Spoilt brat. Really am.

18th birthday i went on a cruise with my family and relatives.
19th birthday i got a purple gold ring from my mom.
20th birthday i got a hp laptop. (not even 20 yet! = )

Told my dad i want a supp card for my 21st birthday. lolx.. It's meant to be a joke but it doesnt really hurt to just pray hard.. ^.~

Guess there's pretty much nothing more in life than i can ask for. or rather, nothing much i want (now). Marketers always say that there is no end to wants, even the economists say so. Then again, there is no want if there is no desire AND liking is not equal to wanting. It's like saying 'the ocean is beautiful' when u have hydrophobia.

However, it's always nice to have pleasant surprises.. who doesnt? lolx.. It's like there is no dead weight loss in society plus the receiver benefits in the sense that he or she might not even be aware that he/she might enjoy the particular gift given, or that the gift is only accessible to the giver.

Wanted to buy myself something but couldnt find any. Gave up. shall just shop aimlessly and find sth that i happen to think i like and make do with it. Guess i'm still in what E.Erikson would say: 4th stage- identity vs identity confusion stage.

oh great. more abt marketing, econs & social work and my brain is certified fried.

Talking Cock in Parliament - Hossan Leong

in the mood to bring the archives in my previous blog back to life.
take a look will ya, if u have the time.
it's a record of my growth, (and confusion) for the past 2 years.
that was how i started out. and this is what i am.
It's as good, or even better, than looking at photo albums with fashion poses and fake smiles.

I can't believe my group is so damn lucky, again.
That slacker's club.

my day ended great. i skipped training.

sociology tut was full of question marks.. i dun really know what useful things i learnt when i came out of the class. the tutor seems to be able to see the subtle symbols/ meanings of sex in everthing he comes across in this subject. he got so excited talking about sec tourism, s'poreans going to Batam over the weekends, showing us how Korea's brochure portray their cultures and country, using pictures to entise pple (sex inocations of course). he can even relate airline advertisement - the stewardess as a sex object. it's just a stewardess in a business suit, with the tagline 'taking flight'. so he said it's supposed to be sth like 'taking off'. WTH! i dun find it any more amusing than he finds the ad. but after he mentioned it, it really is tat i'll never look at the same ad in the same way again.

and contiki holiday! he totally spoil my impression of contiki as the ideal tour agent for young adventurous adults. he brought in what he thinks the pamphlet is portraying- sex with multiple parters, not giving a care about who they are- since after the trip, you wont get to see each other again.and he mentioned 'it's so obvious since it's only for pple between the age of 18-35'. this kinda sux. the lesson is all about him giving his views, and his uncovering of such stuff in almost all materials.

and he told us 'i was ugly when i first came to s'pore. had a couple of gfs. one is a model for triumph.' and he went on to inform us that he still sees the ad his ex-gf is on all over s'pore though it was an ad about 7, 8 years ago. told us she was 23 when she took that ad. shld be about 30 now. the way he said it- like the model is an old hag now and shldnt be seen. the image of the huge word 'JERK' just drop from the ceiling and hovers over his head. think it's his evil grin and sheepish smile.

i'm kinda disappointed i got into his class. it's not so much of him spoiling my ideologies of tourism and hospitality..

but more of him spoiling the image/ impression and respect i have for all educators.

Didnt get my sis anything for her birthday. not even a cake. was in school the whole day and reached home close to 11 at night. rummage thru a particular drawer coz i was in the mood and found a birthday card i gave her in year 1998.

it's weird how things happened. i touch that drawer like once a year. the card was inside an envelope and it was the first thing i took out. amazing huh..

6 years, just like that.

will be doing the 7,7 thing on monday. he's gone for more than a month, just like that. no major changes in my life, no difficult adjustment period. life's just like that.

mid-autumn festival will soon be here. next friday to be exact. i've been looking forward to mooncakes since like April. but since i'm not allowed to celebrate, i cant really indulge in mooncakes. can even purchase any.. Grr... have to wait for pple to give mooncake as gift before i can eat. it's another of the many traditions and culture thing again. if we can't celebrate, cant buy, why shld we even eat? they say not allowed to celebrate this festival coz it symbolises 'tuan yuan'. and cant buy coz mooncakes are round, and it reinforces the 'tuan yuan' spirit. if that's the case, easy. get a mooncake that's square!!

sad~ mid-autumn has always been one of my fav festivals. i miss da bing!!!! my grandpa used to love it too. used to eat it before dinner and he would always nag, then maybe take a piece or two. we had that together a couple of weeks before he passed away. took the last piece and threw the box away. how i wished i left the last piece for him. he wouldnt mind i think. by then he cant even remember me.

when a fellow trainee told me her grandpa had a stroke and became kind of senile thereafter, she chatted with him for over 2 hours but he turned to ask her why his granddaughter haven come to visit him, i was thinking 'oh poor thing!' now i know how she felt then. from an outsider's POV, the only word i can think of is 'pity.'

the term break is over. hafta move on to more difficult things. but that is, after a good dinner to substitute the bdae celebration for my sis. can always leave the troublesome time to tomorrow.

kinda glad tuesday is over. proj meetings all the way from 10 till 4.30. i'm so unproductive after such long meetings that i didnt really contribute much for the last hr or so. wanted to go to the canteen for a break till training starts but received orders from my grpmates to upload all my stuff BY yesterday night. that means i have to do it before training and start drawing graphs and all, just because they dunno how to do it in MSword. okay, i admit i'm irritated coz i had a long day and have more tiring stuff to look forward to, and with the lines and curves on the screen, i kinda lose focus and uploaded graphs that are not perfect. okay. good. cant u change it if u realised what's wrong. must ask me to change then upload again. these pple are crazy. they like to do double work.

felt that i wasnt up to attend training, especially another proj grp wanna meet on SUNDAY MORNING in school. was wondering if this is my deserved 1 week break. and i have 3 more projs i haven even started. gosh~ time is running out. really felt like taking a cab home and sleeping thr the journey. THEN, that wasnt my choice in the end.

my saviour song came on air.. it's easy to miss out on the simple good in life when u are on a smooth track. the valley times seemed so far away.

the tourism sociology lecture on fri is the best one of yet. the video on Nepal is inspiring. or maybe i've been sleeping thru the other lectures to even be bothered. anyway, this tourist mentioned that the rich going to poorer countries to have a different experience and the poor longing to go to nice foreign countries for a holiday.

sometimes we go away so that we'll be better able to appreciate what we have now. it's not so much that we are unhappy with what we have.. just that we can better know how fortunate we are after a trip away from home. if u feel the same during a trip and at home, then it defeats the purpose of going away. might also be that problems are seemingly easier to handle after a break.. till you're ready to face whatever that has to come..

felt so guilty after the video. i know that if i work hard for half a year, i'll save enough money to go overseas for maybe a week or so. then continue slogging till the next trip. this is a guaranteed incentive in this part of the world that i'm living in. i am sure that i can decide and choose whatever route i think i want to choose and do whatever i feel like doing, so long it's within the law.. i can continue studying and get a degree after 3 years, i ca drop out right now and find a job that i want, apply for any job i want to/feel like doing. or even just slack at home for a couple of weeks to rest. It's like knowing i have the power, ability and freedom to be myself. luxurious life. opportunities aplenty. unlimited choices.

i'm kinda glad that in this lifetime, i'm here. I'M HERE. not in Nepal, not in Antigua, not in new guinea. not anywhere else but Singapore. the land of opportunities amidst restricted freedom. just how lucky can i get? so i ask myself. what did i do my past life to deserve this good life? how much good i did then to enjoy all that i have now.

back to my saviour song. was that coz it accompanied me through rough times. then again, how bad can this journey get? yeah.. making mountain out of molehill again? maybe. so maybe i've been living in comfort for too long that every little bump has a great impact. listened to how some schoolmates got into jail, released. some married, with kids. then a friend said "i'm glad u all never change for the worse" and "you're still the same as i last saw you".

stay the same... is that good or bad?

~TGIF~

planned to have an OFF day today. that's why i rescheduled my subject pool to tomorrow and my marketing lec on monday. ended up having to go to sch for cca. it isnt half as bad as i imagine it to be. had a good workout, and the seniors are quite nice to teach us one-on-one. it's so much nicer to have someone to train with than poking the grey mat alone. the face guard stinks. then again, i like the feeling after i wore that thing. can confirm i dun hav claustrophobia.

a tad disappointed that i am unable to do what i've initially planned to do this week. but after that post on the forum, and finally completing my IT tut, finally going thru the econs assignment qns and answers bfore the meeting tml.. gosh~ i'm dead beat. especially after training.. thought of having a good sleep. but gotta wake up early tml for the subject pool. it kinda sux. but thank god recess week is here. NO LESSONS. only proj meetings!!!

Remember the forgotten.

Seem as though i'm still at square one after so long, unable to make any improvement.
Then again, interacting with pple within the memory reach showed me how much i've changed since then. The old me is like a thing of the past. Kinda hard to imagine- made it look as though many things didnt happen at all.

it's like wanting to put all my memories in a bag so that they'll be with me wherever i go, then realising after the journey that there's a hole at the bottom of my bag.
So it's as such. somethings are just meant to be left behind.
somethings we just cant seem to let go, dun want to forget.

Losing control...

The last time i did that was in Sec 2, when i raised my voice at some senior before sports day, in the stadium.

The same thing happened today. intended to use a polite, courteous and nice manner to reason. Ended up being affected by the body language and tone of the service staff. Didn't resort to using the insulting words -'i want to speak to your manager'. that i'm giving her enough face.

I dun want to repeat the story so dun ask. Guess the reason why i'm so pissed off is coz having been in the hospi industry and service sector so so long, it's kinda irritating to meet such front line staff. they kinda spoil the whole image of service-orientated pple. and haven they heard about GEMS? apparently, the manager and his staff dont know a thing about service recovery. maybe they ought to send their staff for more training, or hire some professional from shaltec to give them inspirational talks. the girl must be cursing and swearing behind my back. which i think is normal. guess i'm most probably blacklisted. who cares- i'm boycotting that place.

what a way to end my week.

Been thinking up a lot of wants recently.
Things that I know I can do without but can be a source of self-assurance that I'm living & behaving normally based on the assumption that in any case, I will want more of a commodity than less of it. anyway, 'wants' is a subset of 'needs'.

Soon I'll leave my teenage self behind and advance into adulthood (hey, I'm trying to be serious here!). Still thinking how I'll say goodbye to the old-self-gonna-be and move closer to who-i-wanna-be.. Most prob get myself sth that I think I want.

Blog has been up for 2 years. URL and skins changed a couple of times. the number of entries come to to more than 500. Frankly speaking, I have no idea how I managed to come up with things to say 500 times. Serious. Put the archives back into my blog recently. Love the feeling of being able to just browse thru the entries as and when I like without signing in to blogger and previewing the posts one by one. Sometimes, I amaze myself. I ACTUALLY make sense in some of my entries. lolx. am now a little proud of myself so I start to wonder if others who happened to come across this blog, start nodding away as their eyes follow the lines on screen, tried retrieving my previous entries (esp my previous bloggie, condition- if my archives is up) and even taking note of certain things I've said or certain beliefs I stand by. that would be so lovely. but it's just a thought.

yeap. pple have been asking my abt school. the pple there are crazy. they can do a half an hr presentation with complete scripts and videos for an assignment that is not graded. IT IS NOT GRADED. back in TP, most of the groups would just send a representative up and give a 5 mins brief presentation. that's the difference. Maybe they have no idea abt the marks allocation for the subject. or maybe they're just plain hardworking (is there even such a word?).

one of my subject's grpmates actually bother to perfect a group assignment that consists of 9 members. 9 mbrs! someone even created a community in the sch website so that we are able to upload stuff and use the forum for discussion. Need they be so enthu? spending 4 hrs on 8 simple qns, finding all possibilities with the qns, thinking WAY OUTTA the box.

recalled what we did in poly if we are not progressing-
there's always tml.
silence means consent.
Majority wins.
'let's move on' sounds much more practical and sensible than repeating 'i think we should do this, or that, or maybe that. or maybe not. what u said make sense. what he brought up sounds okay too. what do you think?' again and again at 8pm on a raining FRIDAY night and some pple are having dinner buffet just 50 metres away frm the table we're discussing. i'm cold, hungry and dead beat after a long week. and all they do is to repeat 'go back to the previous slide will you?

3 sentences kept running thru my head then:
1) u can think all you want over the weekend, then we discuss again.
2) Let me go will ya. u all continue.
3) SOMEONE PLS SAVE ME!!!!!!!!

what makes it worse is that they dun like to break down into smaller grps to start on diff things. they ant ALL to participate in the discussion. that i find it SOOOO unproductive. we have the outline so some start on the slides, others on the handout. we'll take less than half the time needed. missed the time when we'll just divide the workload and everyone is perfectly comfortable with the arrangement, trusting ur grpmates completely. THAT, i call teamwork.
THIS, speechless.

I've been a cross between a duck and a frog for the past 2 days.

Went past the NUS archery peeps preparing for training and was thinking how much i missed trainings though i'm always the lazy one. i've decided not to cause trouble for the archery pple in uni coz i've done enough for those in poly. uni pple are more stressed. so shall let them have a break. what TJ said make sense too. i shldnt juz get in based on LUCK again.. then maybe mess up their team or what...

badly wanted to try Kendo initially but then their 'hoho haha' loud shoutings (actually i have no idea what commands they're screaming but it sounded sth close to that) kinda gave me a very clear indication of the weekly rantings that i shld expect if i join their club. (just imagine a PJ even more insane than now) what a nightmare! but then again, releasing frustrations and anger directly thru sports communication is an awesome outlet. *raise eyebrows

anyway, i joined fencing. or u can say i'll be joining fencing (coz i haven pay the term fund!)
it's a funny sport really. u're supposed to look confidence in that weird stance. it's tiring. no joke.
they dun incorporate team spirit in that sport. finish training u can just leave. no cool down. just take ur barang and siam. most of them are staying in hall anyway. so they can take their own sweet time. but imagine having to travel an hour to get home after a tiring day. it kinda sux. but sch w/o cca doesnt really seem like an educaiton TO ME. have been leading a kinda lax lifestyle for so long. it's time to bring my life back in order (or shld i say back to the usual messy state so that it looks like it's normal)..

oh my.. haven mention the coach. imagine instructions and all in CHINESE! and the team has a caucasian member. lolx.. the coach is even slacker than i am. he's around for an hr or so, then he told us to practise somemore and he went home. like DUH~! so weird. it's as good as not having him around. told us that the more we practise, the more at ease we'll feel. yah. as if i dunno.
maybe he should be an instructor instead of a coach.
to make the matter worse, the kendo club mbrs are having training in the same sports hall. yeah. even better. i really cant hear a word the china man is saying. so i assume. anticipate instructions. lolx.. cant help it. am trying my best. hope i dun cause any trouble now that it's a new beginning.

then again, my beginnings never turn out the way i expected them to be, so far.