Random

Been quite awhile since I last conneted with myself through the virtual world, organising my thoughts to make MORE sense of this world.

6 more weeks till the end of my bond!

Can never been happier this year. Maybe except awaiting some good news towards the end of the year.

Regardless, I have that Benelux trip in July/Aug that i can look forward to. Just 2 more months of hell then 3 weeks of freedom!!!!

Life is all about making choices and I'm glad I made some darn good ones.

The older I get the more I find tt I no longer derive much happiness from material gains.
I miss those days when a $3.90 eyeshadow or a sample size $8 perfume makes my day.
And eating at restaurants with friends seem like such a big deal for an outing.
Not to forget picking THE outfit to wear.

The days go by. The days gone by. The days tt went away.

Invisible ring

A new colleague was being driven to tears by someone upstairs the other day.

So i was wondering just how much more they can push me against the same wall to have the same outcome.

Been having quite an unpleasant time at work, having to mother hen the babies and to carry out the work from the top of the hierarchy.

Most days I can forget about work-life balance, and pray silently that I can get home and sleep the fatigue away. Then again, the him who lives upstairs has always been gracious to me.
I find myself exceptionally lucky on those days as well, having survived yet another tornado weather and being blessed with so much more.

Right now I think I have the same kind of slow rage building inside me like back then. Those type that motivates the silent rebellion. Anyway, need has always been the mother of invention, isn't it?

and yes, I have an invisible ring.

You know those moments in lazy humid afternoons whereby your thoughts run in a million different directions and suddenly you remember a thing or two about the past that never cross your mind in the normal day-to-day?

That day I was spending some time alone at home and remembered stuff that happened in high school. Of how some guy once claimed that he will quit smoking for me, which I think was a joke coz no one should change for no one but themselves and still have the same perception now.

Of how the long driveway aka burning furnace was such a great place to march and sit on the steps and enjoy a gd lazy afternoon with a cold drink on hand.

On how in high school honesty isn't the best policy coz all people want to do is to conform and be accepted.

And i do believe that good girls are just better liars, not because they want to deceive others, but more of having ability to be perceptive on their surroundings and deal with situations accordingly.

I know I've said it like a million times

My shift work not only eats into the time I should be setting aside for my social life, but it's affecting my physical, mental and emotional health.

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So most days I need a safe harbour to turn to, much like kids hiding under their blankets thinking that the monster in the closet will leave them alone if they cannot be seen.

Some days it's scary knowing that my safe harbour sometimes get hit by tsunamis and the monsters are going to get me after all.

and all this is making me angry because i'm not in control.

feeling insecure..

random

Every single avenue is dead, or as good as.

Facebook has already turned into Friendster II.

Email is a box for junks.

hp can be replaced by a good alarm clock.

But blog is still plays a part in enabling me to connect with myself, no matter how small the role has become.

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They enrolled me for a 2-day course about service excellence and I had so much fun recalling those stuff that I used to know and presume was rather good at.

The moments-of-truth, grooming, telephone etiquette and others.. Like so hospitality management. So the speaker was asking us to note down the way we address others over the phone and it dawned on me that ever since I joined operations, I have evolved into this rude performance-driven machine with the apparent lack of good service.
I remembered when I first started out over a year ago, I used to complete my sentences over the phone, give proper greetings, identify myself and my department as well as offer assistance.
Now i'm just this voice over at the other side of the line waiting to get through the tasks involved with the motivation to end the call ASAP. Like it's so much easier to just say "morning. Control."

It's sad, but it's the reality of life. Change is the only contact. We adapt accordingly to our environment. I suspect if i'm not such a good chameleon, i would have stabbed myself with a knife and bleed to death trying to fix the current practices/ processes to that of a different industry. Some things are best left alone.

and i was thinking that maybe that is why people in the service line puts in extra effort in serving others. For that is the only way to differentiate themselves from other industries. and it's sad that i'm in a results-oriented business where productivity counts even before the government announces the direction we should move towards. and i know the pain in accounting for every single action, or inaction that may or may not be under my control.

It makes my short stint in the hotel industry seemed so easy.

Ok. and i know that if all else fail, there is still the moolah to look forward to. and i have a good feeling about this year.

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A couple of stuff on my mind
- lasik or not?
- Turkey, Barcelona, Bulgaria, Egypt and Alaska
- Tod's bag
- korean food
- feeling secure
- new laptop

Action speaks louder than words. Get to understand body language better to know the reason(s) behind reactions.

It suddenly dawned on me that I have 2.25 more years to go to complete this journey of grit-my-teeth-and-rough-it-out period.

At work it's the usual challenge to try and meet things work. But many a time, it is the people that irks me endless, not the work. The people who by all means try to make work seem like you sway sway landed on the monopoly's Go-straight-to-jail-do-not-pass-Go-and-collect-$200 square. a one-way ticket straight to hell when you get burn nice and black. and seeing you squirm and wriggle make them feel good about themselves coz they right something in the world.
yep. those wayang kings and queens.

For one I know that I still like those boxes stacked neatly beside one another as much as a year ago and find the industry fascinating. But what goes on internally makes me sick. It's not really the office politics that is driving me crazy, but the lack of service to internal customers that makes me purple.

Maybe it is solely because I was from the hospitality industry that makes me feel this way, or that I do not yearn for a promotion to stoop as low to their level in the remaining time I have here.

I do look forward to completing whatever I have so that one day i can truly say that i am free. free of the clutches of this place that one has to tread so cautiously on soft ground, to move on to a place where people are generally 'more humane,' hopefully.

Have sort of lost touch typing on my laptop.

On days when I have the luxury and the energy to look at the monitor for yet another 2 hours at leisure on top of the 12 hours i put at work are those days where life doesnt get as comfortable as i want it to, yet little adjustments seem to do good.

I know I am one big grumpy naggy person but i TRY not to repeat how dark and gloomy things are, for i know that others have problems that are just as big and dark and occupies almost all their time. but keeping things to myself aint a solution. somedays i know i'm at the point where things are threatening to overflow and really need a quick fix, like panadol but without the side effects.
those are the days where i desperately need music in my life, as well as time alone. some days on my way to and fro work I contemplate getting a music device to add joy to my life. then again, i sleep the journey away so music may not have much of a use. i have never own a music player and think that songs playing in my head is as good as those that goes in the ears. so maybe not. but i shall see how. blocking out the noise seem like a good idea, but the senses are heightened one the journey to and fro work when everyone in the same space and time as me are keeping to themselves thinking aloud and leading different lives. i find that interesting and find joy in connecting with myself, for that seems like the only time i can hear myself think. this is the problem of having a big family, someone is always ruining the peace and quiet. i, for many times, ruin it for my family. there are just too many people whose emotions one has to be sensitive about. most days i dont bother. we learn to live with it.

so enjoying the tranquility at 4 in the morning with the music playing softly in the background while i do whatever i want and the weather cool enough to not ruin my mood ends my day off perfect.

and for now, i need the motivation to put on my running shoes to get those limbs moving.

Today my colleagues were chatting on the way back from lunch and we talked about how one of our superiors, being the typical SINGLE male in his middle-late 30s. A little rounded in the middle, and slowly balding with an o-k-a-y career in an established organisation. Most probably has at least 4 out of the 5 Cs. So the question is: What are the types of females that will be attracted to him.

So that sparked off a little debate on the way females think.

so one of them was saying that unless the female is also in her 30s, the qn is out besides a partner of another nationality.
another was saying that there is a possibility since he is able to provide for whatever the partner desires.
so i was thinking. if the female has been single for awhile, working for say 5 years (still in her 20s), not as educated, and earning less than him, then it is possible.

For the world has changed. Women are as good as, if not better than men.
If my salary is comfortable enough for me to lead the kind of lifestyle that I want without a man (now), then why should I limit my options? if all else fail and nothing good goes to those who patiently wait then worse come to worse i'll fend for myself in the days to come. nothing to worry. if i earn more than a man, then i have one less thing to be afraid of.

so my colleague was saying that for females like me who just graduated, drawing a rather comfortable income, then the question is definitely out.

yep. believe in thyself, and believe in love. and since love is blind, then maybe nothing is impossible.

yep. so their next suggestion is: recruit more SINGLE females in the office.

but what they didnt know is that i have been discussing with my female colleagues and we think that is not the point. the entire place is filled with the opposite gender that doesnt attract us. so we sort of gave up on the makeup dress up for work and focus our energy on other things. no wonder i'm becoming more masculine these days. no wonder we are expected to have the meticulous nature of females in administrative tasks, and ALL the other positive aspects of males in other areas of work, like directing people and leading a team of much older men whose kids are older than us. like they say, the best of both worlds. but they forget the scales are skewed to one side, as usual.

Thinking about some random stuff lately.

Like wanting to maintain this kind of lifestyle, and with the combine income we'll be able to do so.

But with 2 big travel plans each year and at least 2 short ones, the savings portion will be impacted.

Like thinking that raising a kid requires a million dollars, and wondering how people out there survive the hardship.

Considering the impact on savings/ lifestyle changes if one makes the decision to stop working, even for the short-term, to fulfill a dream or to stay home and look after the young.

The kind of feeling that one day I'll be overwhelmed by the decisions to make in my daily life, and that the simplest of things may still be complicated.

30 and counting.

Down to everything that makes a difference in life, and knowing that at the end of whatever I'm looking forward to brings about a new cycle of the next big thing.

Just like the window period of dilemma 2 years ago when I was contemplating whether to take up the free money in return for my youth; to halfway through the bond and still counting, down to the day where I'm really free- contractually.

Like anticipating the days to a get-away to the planning of the next big trip at the end of the 1st.

Like forever playing catchup with yourself not knowing when to stop, or ever wanting to.

I got the Kuching trip at the end of Jan, the Italy trip at the end of March, maybe a Taiwan trip somewhere in July, followed by another big trip at the end of the year. I was thinking of Egypt in October, but that'll wipe out my entire savings so we shall see.

Recently work has been shitty. In the sense that I was so burn out at the end of the day I don't feel like doing anything more than engage in mindless stuff. I can almost see the extra maybe $50 bucks at the end of next month as a reward for this month's crazy workload. Like that amount of money can make up for my loss in other areas.

The start if a new year makes me wonder lots.

Like how much I've changed from the till now.

The difference between the ME when I got my diploma vs the ME when I received the flimsy paper at the end of my uni years seems to be age.

But with that comes opportunities that don't exist in the past, as well as a certain quality of life that I know I'll come to appreciate.

Like knowing that at the end of the day, I'll put the money that I've earn to good use. Work brings about some happy news that make me want to do better for this year. but with the label that is attached to all those fortunate ones, I'll just have to pretend that the green-eyed monster aint roaming around.

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The other day I was just thinking of the kind of spender I am. We all know the importance of financial management, and there are numerous consumer behaviour courses out there that guides people to recognise the way people make decisions about things they buy/ want to buy.

I used to divide people into 3 classes.
1) Those that think for very long but in the end of the day decided not to buy
2) Those impulse buyers
3) Those who think for very long and will end up buying, sooner or later.

Now I separate them into people who will spend money on things that will improve their quality of life and those that will use it to enhance their quality of life. The difference in that is that the former will use it for intangibles and the latter the tangibles, whom those materialistic people congregate to boost the economy. Of course if one has the moolah, they can choose to balance between the two, but most of us skew to either side.

and it makes me wonder if i'm leaning to one side so much that I should reconsider my buying behaviour.

I think there should be something that affects me more, like peer pressure or the power of advertisement. Like a normal person should always want more of a thing than another, according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. and in terms of SG context, we are at least at the 'social' level so many of us should succumb to peer pressure to increase that level and move on to the tip of the pyramid.

so i wonder- what is the latest latest in-thing now? is it still the smart phones? Havaianas slippers? tights? thick eyeliners? or some other stuffs?

ok, I'm going bonkers.

Pudding and warm chocolate cake

All I can think of between those moments of silence. *laughs

Xmas came 8 days earlier this year with the black shiny plastic in the pouch.

Plus I'm exceptionally glad not because of that, but more of knowing that I can be so so happy with other stuff that doesnt require money.


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Was chatting with the karang guni ah pek just now and he commented that it must be real nice to live in my house where it's windy. For a moment I felt so guilty, for it seems like I have all the good things in life. and the next thought that came to my mind- get a house with good feng shui, for it'll determine my mood for the days to come.

A colleague is leaving, for greener pastures. here he is merely a small inexperienced staff hidden amongst one of the 5 branches of the organization. Is he the best? definitely not. for there are better ones. But outside, there are places that will take him for a $800/month increment in a position that is like so high that in normal working day, people working in my level will not be contacting. Is the green-eye monster coming out of the shadows? absolutely. That news kinda sparked off a series of job-hopping thoughts in many of us.

So i was thinking. In a couple of years, I would not have to worry if I'll be unwanted outside. I just need to flash the cert, and act like I'm damn worth the money you're paying me for.

I met the COO yet again yesterday at the company Christmas lunch. I dread meeting him, for he always uses the same question as the start of our conversation, and always ends the conversation with a reminder of some unpleasant stuff that I'd gladly forget. well, to hell with that. You just wait till my backup plan is in place. Then I'll simply smirk when you say the same things over again.

Some insensitive comments someone made also has me frowning for quite some time.
but it's okay. for I know that's not important. yep. like telling me things that down my mood invigorates me. exactly the opposite- so i slept well last night.

My sleeping pattern is absolutely screwed. and so is my food-induction routine. I have a hearty diet. someone reminded me again. and I do not need reminder that I feel like I'm going to evaporate into thin air if this goes on. I am eating well and I think it's the digestive system that makes my body all knobbed. Like no matter how much I eat, I no longer feel bloated or full. so that is making me miserable. you know how much I enjoy the feeling of contentment in the stomach after a good meal thinking that the day can end coz I am fed.

and the VP attitude irks me. Yep. Talking about changing the corporate culture and appreciating your people more doesnt mean that one has to look down on others and feel superior for we are leaders and the blue-collar jobs are for those people that you wont mix around with.

mind him. a lousy speaker than tries to instill action plans and inspires subordinates shld not act all snotty. Feels worse than high school when you know you can never be compared to the top 5 schools for the elites in the nation yet the educators kept brainwashing the class that we are the cream of the crop. and the physics teacher telling us that the NA and NT students are useless and stuff. You know the kind of feeling when you look at them, supposedly in respect, but turned out that they're some hypocrites just wanting to meet their own targets and appraisals for the academic year. People turn out just fine without adding kerosene and starting a fire. thank you.

and I am where I am because of opportunities. I kept thinking of the Nepal video in year one and feel so glad that the cards I'm being dealt with are good in the first place.

You know what I want to do most on rainy days?

It's here! One more month till 2010.

Somehow the years get shorter as I get older.

Last year this time, I was still blissfully ignorant of the kind of life I will be leading this year. I was still a young college student away from home having the time of her life.

It felt like 10 years. The twinkle is gone and I no longer find the need to flash the camera at every single moment worth capturing. Or maybe all the moments aint worth the effort now.

I still look forward to the same old things, like sleeping, a cup of coffee, a book with a quilt on rainy days on that rocking chair. Just that non-working hours have become the prerequisites to all those things to be happy about.

Today he came over and I finally understand a tad of how he feels every time we arrange to meet and me looking like work is pulling me down. For the past 5 months it just seems that only I'm the one with the horrible work-life balance and yep. I feel damn guilty. and even more so after receiving Royce after work. and some days the thought of settling down early dont seem like such a bad idea after all.

But work has to come first, at least for two and a half more years. Working hard towards that goal. If you really have to know, I really can't see myself there in 5 years time. Internal promotion is absolutely out of the question. Maybe another company. It's not that I don't enjoy the work I am doing now. I've come to a stage whereby I'll come home, to spend time logging in just to check my performance in the previous shift. So I know I'm one level higher than where I started out. Good, but not enough. I need to conquer the next, for people have expectations. The money is not for free. Yep, but so is my mental and physical health. And would I trade this for that? Maybe I would.

I look at my friends who have already changed/ is changing/ will be changing jobs. All the best for your new jobs. Surveys have shown that the first 6 months in a new job is the most stressful. I can vouch for that, and let's hope the next job is a better one. One with more pay, better benefits, and nicer colleagues. No point moving from bad to worse yeah. and know that if you feel miserable, remind yourself that I'm stuck. until I get that money ready in the bank. lolx..

and yep. The Kuching and Italy trip have been booked. At last something for me to look forward to. To break the monotonous work streak. So I guess I'm really stuck. Yep, talk about choices.

Astrological predictions. lolx

Beware of taking a job for which you are utterly unsuited. Yes, you need a steady income, but it's important to hold out for the right kind of work. Opportunities related to the arts, charity work, or psychology are highly favoured. You might also thrive in the hospitality field. These days, it's practically impossible to get good customer service. That's where someone with your diplomatic talents comes in. Stress this ability when you go on job interviews.

An unusual routine you were forced to abandon could be put back into action. It will take some time to get used to working strange hours and running strange errands. Still, your work won't ever be boring.

time, gone.

Finally found the time to visit my grandparents as well as my aunt & family.

Combed vivo for florist and bought a stalk of rose for my grandma's bdae. she's still that happy after receiving flowers from me. so i'm glad she likes it. Gifts are the best when they can make one smile. regardless of the cost. So together with an angbao and the usual extra allowance, I suppose that makes up for the lack of time to visit her after starting work in July. at least it lessen the guilt.

2 years and 7 more months to go.

God, please know that I'll like to stay strong.

Give me the serenity to be at peace with all things at all times, the courage to stand up to what I believe in, and the wisdom to ignore all the intolerables. Amen.

I can feel it

Time for a wardrobe change. and I have no idea the difference that few kilos can make.

Shocked. Everytime I was alone in the office ladies spending the precious 5 minutes to myself and scare myself half to death with the notion that something aint right. or rather, seriously wrong. I put on a piece of pants today that used to be tight, and realised that I need a belt now. I no longer use the digital weighing scale underneath the dressing table for every bit lost cant be easily gained back. and it's kinda depressing. I'm maintaining my usual diet, and might even be consuming more tidbits with the frequent snacking. And not to mention the absence of any exercise in my day-to-day life. But somehow the metabolism still remains high and the energy intake doesnt seem to be enough. The guys in the office commented that I'm scary coz I eat a lot. Like a lot. Not normal for a female. Or maybe they just havent meet that many females in the office. And yes, my manager unofficially told me today that I've became a male in my line of work. Not because I want to. But because I have to. So the expectation is kinda like: u're a female so u're expected to have the usual blah blah qualities like being meticulous and stuff, yet able to act like I have the OTHER good qualities of a male. Anyway, my hormones are kinda screwed now with the irregular sleeping pattern so maybe I do have some of those traits. I think stress is playing a rather major role in my life now that I've started working and expecations are rising, if it aint high in the first place. Struggling to make things work, all the time. and explaining for every small details that may or may not be out of my control. and if it's not. why and what could be done. I was thinking today how it used to be like, say 15 years ago when the trade was booming (it's still booming) and haven been privatised, yet. I heard stories, wonderful ones, that I hope was still on but sadly not. Then again, when money gets in the way, everything gets OUT of the way.

So today I came back from a scoring day at work and realised that even with 2 hours of sleep I can jolly well function for more than 12 hours. and find myself amazed and wondering again how far one can go. Like where exactly is the limit. Like whether the same situation will happen like playing SIMS. fatigue sets in and one drops to the ground and catch some sleep then continue to wake up and go abt their activity.

so back to the scoring thing. My morale was on a uphill hike until those damn phone calls pushed me down the ladder. not once, not twice, but numerous time. If you do well, they want better. So ultimately I'm always racing against time, and trying to beat targets time and again. when you do extremely well in one area by sacrificing something else (one's always got to prioritise stuff), they expect u to maintain the one that u sacrificed AND also do well for the 1st priority. So the grey areas just gotten bigger. and things aint black and white anymore. not that they are in the first place. but the grey got diffused, if u know what i mean.

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Wanted to bitch about work but stopped.

Didnt want to see myself whine to myself.

I'm not there yet.

Hopefully.

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some random stuff:

Mom was doing the laundry on a rainy day. and it reminded me very much of KR and seeing the crane lights in the distance shining in from my window. the same detergent smell with the cold air and the scent of fresh air in the early morning. same old same old. and i like that coz it's comforting. to an extent that i think i'm addicted. and one day when i have my own home, i'll make sure i have throws all over the house during the rainy season so i can indulge.

Got this crazy urge to go shopping. Just walk around and look at what the shops have to offer. not necessarily spending money, but just roaming the streets listening to xmas songs and people watch. Just looking at random stuff that one may or may not require. sometimes i need a warm hand to go shopping with. on rainy days especially. but things dont always go as one wants. i already have an almost non-existent social life and the shift adds on to the anti-social lifestyle i am heading towards. yeap. talk about work-life balance.

need to find another way to reconnect with myself.

Stuff to fill

Paycheck is in, again. That makes me just 8/9 away from this journey.

If i keep this going, maybe I'll hit 39kg by Christmas.
Yep. tell me about going on a diet.

Expensive stuffs don't bother me. and i wonder why they don't. Shouldn't i just stand with the majority? Knowing i will not be happier in the long run with those purchases but decided to go ahead anyway. and what's life without splurging money on stuff that fulfill only wants in the short term esp since i'm earning my own keep.

i'm bothered. and think that sooner or later i'll get high blood pressure due to the stress level, and require money to see a psychiatrist. then again, who in this time and age aint bothered with money? Keep thinking that no matter how much i earn, it aint enough. some days I look back at my $1300/mth salary a couple of years ago and think how crazy i was to even think that that amount of money is enough for a living. Minus CPF and the monthly allowance for parents, there aint even enough for transportation and meals. then again, meals were provided back then.

then i look at myself now and think that at where i am now, it feels like not enough. not enough at all. not enough to do things that i want without considering for the future. and so i'm confused with the priority at the moment. keep thinking of wanting to grab more moolah before i cant do so. keep thinking of how great everything would be if one day i strike the lottery and can continue to work with minimum burden. yes, i feel like an old lady dying for a way out of her miserable life. and the funny thing about all this is, i'm having all that i wanted. a challenging job that pays relatively well, a cert that opens door and supportive love ones. yet the grass is still greener on the other side.

but as we all know, when one crosses the line, there's always another one out there.

so learn to be pessimistic. For there'll be less lines to cross.