Most unbearable time of the year.

PMS.

Presentation.

Report.

Exam.

Rat race.

some days i can't stop the scales from tipping

I'm still suspecting the symptoms..

TWO weeks of school plus one exam before i get my ticket to the rat race.

As usual, the week leading to hell week has nothing to contribute to my emotional well-being.

Need to seek the motive in motivation before things can get going.

and when that fails, fall back on heuristics to get things done.

One step at a time.

Maybe i don't have any.

I hear nothing of the best 5 qualities as of yet.

swaying scales

Been raining on off recently. Don't ask me why. I'm no weatherman.

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I ran a few searches regarding my suspicions. and yes, ask no questions and i'll tell you no lies.

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I guess certain things still holds its weight on the route to self-actualisation regardless of what i've said or done to convince myself.
And i'm beginning to feel that it is the trigger of the ripple effect.

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Every situation seems insignificant on its own.
But somehow combining them brings about an exponential effect.

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THE swaying scales.

Some days i dunno what to say anymore, or if anything matters.

Today i made the decision to terminate the account, yep. I felt like screaming i don't care but deep down i know i do.

that's life.

One step at a time. and i'm tired of all the things in line. i'm thinking of going fishing some day. just me, the pole, a good book, a stool and some nibbles. on a good day out.
or me, the rocking chair, a good book and a cup of tea on a rainy day.

somehow simplicity gets complicated with direct proportion to time. and i feel myself taking backward glances over and again. no wonder i was told i look sad. yep. forlorn i suppose.

can someone tell me my best 5 qualities to make my day?

Some friends reminded me that it's the start of week 9 today. as if i need any more reminders that the deadlines are fast approaching and i find myself procrastinating, as usual. like thanks.

somehow counting down the days doesnt seem half as bad if i'm looking at travel as the goal at the end of this period, not work. definitely not that.

Hate this characteristic of mine that can't follow what the norm is doing by sitting by and letting others do what they can while claiming ignorance. yes, i hate it with a PASSION.

and it is beginning to feel as if i set myself up for unhappiness.

that damn flaw.

All the excess heat, with nowhere to disperse, rises up to my brain and my head seems to be on the verge of exploding. okay, i am talking about my temper, not my brain.

I finally gotten down to sending the pictures that i promised Mike i'll send once my laptop is functioning. and that promise is like a good 2 months ago, a good 2 months ago when I'm comfortably enjoying the start of winter in Seoul.

I hate this feeling of looking back at the all smiley pictures in folders and thinking why i am still not contented after all the happy days that i've been through. I wonder why all happy stuffs seem so surreal and that i feel as if i've never even been away for the good part of last year. maybe that's how people in coma feel. The void that is almost non-existent.

Whatever!

and it doesnt help that the newspapers are full of travel promos that tell people to get away.
ARGH! I look at those and find it hard to convince myself that i'm still me despite all that has happened. Life in this practical place picks right off where i left it in the first place. and that irks me endless.

Giving thanks for the opportunities aplenty that never fail to present themselves should we have that bit of determination and courage. and the sad part is that everything balances. so with that brings the desire and greed to want more. The more one has, the more you're given; the more you'll expect, and the harder it is for one to feel contented. and that, is exactly how i feel now.

Current job market = :(
so i guess i should be grateful that i have a job.
Prof whatever's-his-name just mentioned in class this week that the org I am joining will most prob consider a pay cut, the 2nd ever in the firm's history. and he told us that the industry aint doing very well. negative 2% for last quarter and expected to fall this year. like thanks. so that means i can expect a decrease in expected income AND incentives when i jump head on into the rat race.

nothing seems to help nowadays. everything seems so bleak. and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

i'm starting to have jitters about the uncertainty in life after uni education. work-life aint so easy to strike a balance. and i aint confident that i'll able to handle work like how a mature adult should. or rather, i guess the older i get the more risk adverse i am.. and yep. i'm afraid of failures, even before i start making any mistakes. plus it's a pain to even have a scratch on that clean slate that i start out with.

forced to move on, reluctantly.

there's so many things i want to do in life, and so little time to achieve all of that. A hospitality degree in Switzerland costs 60k a year and living expenses a good 40k. If i have 100k to further my education in the hospitality industry, maybe i'll trade that for 10 more diplomas in various fields. ok. i think i'm able to do only 9 with 60k but that'll take me like 27 more years to complete my education. Maybe i can then be the 1st person who has 10 diplomas in the guinness book of records. then i suppose i'll be another step closer to self-actualisation according to Maslow.

for now, i'll just make the most of the rest of the 3 months as a student-student. and be glad that i have no one to account to besides myself.

Mental fatigue.

Somehow everything seems complicated, much more than when i left, now that i'm back.

Maybe it all boils down to the lack of utilisation.

samples. thx PL for the link.

http://www.fr3b.com/referral_program.php?referrer_token=ee134a6bbb274af6a2b766166e38b1eb

Some days the trail of thoughts that follows on board 151 drives me nuts. I just keep thinking of stuff that loops endlessly till my mind gets too tired and drift off.

Today was stuff on the additional year or years some people spent before entering the rat race.
I am a year behind some people in this aspect, but never consider that as a 'waste.' somehow once we hit polytechnic, age becomes this meaningless figure that is not attached to life. No one notices, and no one cares. We start on a clean slate, and it's just the same as uni. in fact, i feel very much disgusted with myself letting my thoughts run on the batch of poly yr ones born in the year 92 which seemingly make me seem like some old hag left forgotten at the end of the world. It's a stupid random thought and i couldnt help but felt irritated.

Sadly today was just one of those days that i loathe the journey to school and back. The scorching sun that glares through the tinted glass no matter which side i choose to sit, the rumbling of the bus with the stupid engine burning the soles of my feet, the jerking movement that never fail to start and end with this sound that seems as if something is steaming and going to boil over, the sickening feeling of being stuck in a traffic jam during peak hours and the lack of adequate personal space for the long journey side, front and back, on top of many others.

and i'm glad some days i have it easy.

I keep wanting to stay at home and lax the days away.

Ever since I'm back from korea, I don't recall being among the crowds save for xmas eve. Even then we were seated very comfortable in a quiet restaurant AWAY from people milling about doing last minute shopping.

Somehow the trip seemed so surreal, it's as if I've never been away in the first place. and the only way i can convince myself that I indeed spent a good 100 days away from home in a foreign land with peers that I'll treasure and memories that I'll hold dear for a lifetime is the pictures I snapped. But that too, risks being taken away from me forever as my laptop crashed (yes, sadly) the second last week prior to returning and is currently in ICU and my data has a possibility of being erased forever. If those are gone, I shall have to bid farewell to the pictures of Tok, Fairbanks, Anchorage, Seaward, Vegas and Seattle. the best part? I was the unofficial photographer of our WAT trip and I have yet to pass the pics to Pam & Jo.

Right now i missed wrapping myself up in warm clothing and sipping latte not minding the time ticking by and talking about random stuff. I miss Seoul, and all the more i miss everyone. =(

This Christmas I stayed at home popping pills, sleeping, and wondering when I'll get better.

Merry Christmas peeps.

and in case you're thinking... yes I'm back.

Seven

Seven is one of my fav nos, and that is exactly the number of days left in Seoul.

I'm missing someone terribly this season.

I've drank at least 10 cups of latte in the past 3 weeks from various cafes, so much so that I think i'm addicted to caffeine. It snowed heavily last night and we were out happily enjoying the weather. This guy saw the 4 of us looking so damn excited and he asked "Is this the first time you've seen snow?" and when our replies were unanimously positive, his second qn "Are you all from SINGAPORE?" muahaha..

I enjoy the snowing process but dislike the slippery floor and the weather condition the day after. I slided to school this morning feeling like I'm skating with shoes and that any uphill is going to kill
me just the same as a downslope. Thank God I survived. and Thank God for skype.

The constant negative temperature makes me a little emo lately.
Flurries outside my window with the sun glaring far behind, comfort music from the 90s playing softly from my laptop and the consistent engine rumbling of the heater make time go at half the rate it is supposed to. and when your world slows down, somehow everything gets magnifies and clear as keanu reeves avoiding the bullets in matrix.

I think it might be the numbing of ones senses thanks to winter and partly coz I've 2 weeks more of freedom and total independent (well, besides social support from KU khakis) left before i depart taking with me the good memories of this trip, that makes me so sensitive to my surroundings. Or maybe it's simply cause the year is coming to an end.

I'm missing my sunny island. the place where I know I'd want to return even if I have the chance to go to the moon. Like i mentioned before, you'll know where you're supposed to be cause nationality is based on where your heart belongs and not where your body happened to be born.

I think there's a need to keep reminding myself that 2008 has been a great year, much better than what i could have hoped for, ever. There is a need to reinforce the positivity so that I don't get too comfortable with all that i have and forget about giving thanks for all that I've received.

and right now i want to survive the cool winter in Seoul and return to the summer in Singapore.

i think it's the weather, loose leaves circling on uneven floor and eventually being blown away with the dust into the distance, i'm missing home so badly.