Finally found the time to visit my grandparents as well as my aunt & family.
Combed vivo for florist and bought a stalk of rose for my grandma's bdae. she's still that happy after receiving flowers from me. so i'm glad she likes it. Gifts are the best when they can make one smile. regardless of the cost. So together with an angbao and the usual extra allowance, I suppose that makes up for the lack of time to visit her after starting work in July. at least it lessen the guilt.
2 years and 7 more months to go.
God, please know that I'll like to stay strong.
Give me the serenity to be at peace with all things at all times, the courage to stand up to what I believe in, and the wisdom to ignore all the intolerables. Amen.
November 24, 2009
November 18, 2009
I can feel it
Time for a wardrobe change. and I have no idea the difference that few kilos can make.
Shocked. Everytime I was alone in the office ladies spending the precious 5 minutes to myself and scare myself half to death with the notion that something aint right. or rather, seriously wrong. I put on a piece of pants today that used to be tight, and realised that I need a belt now. I no longer use the digital weighing scale underneath the dressing table for every bit lost cant be easily gained back. and it's kinda depressing. I'm maintaining my usual diet, and might even be consuming more tidbits with the frequent snacking. And not to mention the absence of any exercise in my day-to-day life. But somehow the metabolism still remains high and the energy intake doesnt seem to be enough. The guys in the office commented that I'm scary coz I eat a lot. Like a lot. Not normal for a female. Or maybe they just havent meet that many females in the office. And yes, my manager unofficially told me today that I've became a male in my line of work. Not because I want to. But because I have to. So the expectation is kinda like: u're a female so u're expected to have the usual blah blah qualities like being meticulous and stuff, yet able to act like I have the OTHER good qualities of a male. Anyway, my hormones are kinda screwed now with the irregular sleeping pattern so maybe I do have some of those traits. I think stress is playing a rather major role in my life now that I've started working and expecations are rising, if it aint high in the first place. Struggling to make things work, all the time. and explaining for every small details that may or may not be out of my control. and if it's not. why and what could be done. I was thinking today how it used to be like, say 15 years ago when the trade was booming (it's still booming) and haven been privatised, yet. I heard stories, wonderful ones, that I hope was still on but sadly not. Then again, when money gets in the way, everything gets OUT of the way.
So today I came back from a scoring day at work and realised that even with 2 hours of sleep I can jolly well function for more than 12 hours. and find myself amazed and wondering again how far one can go. Like where exactly is the limit. Like whether the same situation will happen like playing SIMS. fatigue sets in and one drops to the ground and catch some sleep then continue to wake up and go abt their activity.
so back to the scoring thing. My morale was on a uphill hike until those damn phone calls pushed me down the ladder. not once, not twice, but numerous time. If you do well, they want better. So ultimately I'm always racing against time, and trying to beat targets time and again. when you do extremely well in one area by sacrificing something else (one's always got to prioritise stuff), they expect u to maintain the one that u sacrificed AND also do well for the 1st priority. So the grey areas just gotten bigger. and things aint black and white anymore. not that they are in the first place. but the grey got diffused, if u know what i mean.
----------------------
Shocked. Everytime I was alone in the office ladies spending the precious 5 minutes to myself and scare myself half to death with the notion that something aint right. or rather, seriously wrong. I put on a piece of pants today that used to be tight, and realised that I need a belt now. I no longer use the digital weighing scale underneath the dressing table for every bit lost cant be easily gained back. and it's kinda depressing. I'm maintaining my usual diet, and might even be consuming more tidbits with the frequent snacking. And not to mention the absence of any exercise in my day-to-day life. But somehow the metabolism still remains high and the energy intake doesnt seem to be enough. The guys in the office commented that I'm scary coz I eat a lot. Like a lot. Not normal for a female. Or maybe they just havent meet that many females in the office. And yes, my manager unofficially told me today that I've became a male in my line of work. Not because I want to. But because I have to. So the expectation is kinda like: u're a female so u're expected to have the usual blah blah qualities like being meticulous and stuff, yet able to act like I have the OTHER good qualities of a male. Anyway, my hormones are kinda screwed now with the irregular sleeping pattern so maybe I do have some of those traits. I think stress is playing a rather major role in my life now that I've started working and expecations are rising, if it aint high in the first place. Struggling to make things work, all the time. and explaining for every small details that may or may not be out of my control. and if it's not. why and what could be done. I was thinking today how it used to be like, say 15 years ago when the trade was booming (it's still booming) and haven been privatised, yet. I heard stories, wonderful ones, that I hope was still on but sadly not. Then again, when money gets in the way, everything gets OUT of the way.
So today I came back from a scoring day at work and realised that even with 2 hours of sleep I can jolly well function for more than 12 hours. and find myself amazed and wondering again how far one can go. Like where exactly is the limit. Like whether the same situation will happen like playing SIMS. fatigue sets in and one drops to the ground and catch some sleep then continue to wake up and go abt their activity.
so back to the scoring thing. My morale was on a uphill hike until those damn phone calls pushed me down the ladder. not once, not twice, but numerous time. If you do well, they want better. So ultimately I'm always racing against time, and trying to beat targets time and again. when you do extremely well in one area by sacrificing something else (one's always got to prioritise stuff), they expect u to maintain the one that u sacrificed AND also do well for the 1st priority. So the grey areas just gotten bigger. and things aint black and white anymore. not that they are in the first place. but the grey got diffused, if u know what i mean.
----------------------
November 14, 2009
Wanted to bitch about work but stopped.
Didnt want to see myself whine to myself.
I'm not there yet.
Hopefully.
----------
some random stuff:
Mom was doing the laundry on a rainy day. and it reminded me very much of KR and seeing the crane lights in the distance shining in from my window. the same detergent smell with the cold air and the scent of fresh air in the early morning. same old same old. and i like that coz it's comforting. to an extent that i think i'm addicted. and one day when i have my own home, i'll make sure i have throws all over the house during the rainy season so i can indulge.
Got this crazy urge to go shopping. Just walk around and look at what the shops have to offer. not necessarily spending money, but just roaming the streets listening to xmas songs and people watch. Just looking at random stuff that one may or may not require. sometimes i need a warm hand to go shopping with. on rainy days especially. but things dont always go as one wants. i already have an almost non-existent social life and the shift adds on to the anti-social lifestyle i am heading towards. yeap. talk about work-life balance.
need to find another way to reconnect with myself.
Didnt want to see myself whine to myself.
I'm not there yet.
Hopefully.
----------
some random stuff:
Mom was doing the laundry on a rainy day. and it reminded me very much of KR and seeing the crane lights in the distance shining in from my window. the same detergent smell with the cold air and the scent of fresh air in the early morning. same old same old. and i like that coz it's comforting. to an extent that i think i'm addicted. and one day when i have my own home, i'll make sure i have throws all over the house during the rainy season so i can indulge.
Got this crazy urge to go shopping. Just walk around and look at what the shops have to offer. not necessarily spending money, but just roaming the streets listening to xmas songs and people watch. Just looking at random stuff that one may or may not require. sometimes i need a warm hand to go shopping with. on rainy days especially. but things dont always go as one wants. i already have an almost non-existent social life and the shift adds on to the anti-social lifestyle i am heading towards. yeap. talk about work-life balance.
need to find another way to reconnect with myself.
November 12, 2009
A million thoughts.
and no voice to project those words.
Living makes us dumb and dumb-er.
Or rather, acting like one.
Living makes us dumb and dumb-er.
Or rather, acting like one.
November 10, 2009
Thinking of the vacuum-packed bah kwa back in the CJ hostel looking out at flurries outside the window.. smiling at the 'coming to meet u the long way round' quick message, the funny coins required to ride in the trains there, plus the super long wait at the bus stop in the cold and the ulu bus journey to the national park in Gapsa. The can't-believe-its-true time frame with all the happy memories compact.
OK. back to reality.
OK. back to reality.
November 03, 2009
Watsons is bringing in DHC. yep. I think so. The pre-marketing bottle looks like it. which means i have an alternative source of makeup remover when this runs out. lolx. no need to go to Japan or Korea to buy!
and i'm excited, not coz i can stick to my original makeup remover, but more of guessing the correct brand with one look. lolx.
and i'm excited, not coz i can stick to my original makeup remover, but more of guessing the correct brand with one look. lolx.
October 31, 2009
Love it. the rainy season.
Seeker.
Of all the things in the world, I asked for a happy meal that satisfies the stomach of all my loved ones.
And if that aint enough to bring contentment, I don't know what else could.
Seeking those intangibles. Everyone is invariably looking for those stuffs and choosing to fulfill them with tangibles.
so if most people are just one of the rest, then maybe everyone should be grouped with the majority due to them being unique. Yes, you belong to the majority because everyone of us is unique.
Of all the things in the world, I asked for a happy meal that satisfies the stomach of all my loved ones.
And if that aint enough to bring contentment, I don't know what else could.
Seeking those intangibles. Everyone is invariably looking for those stuffs and choosing to fulfill them with tangibles.
so if most people are just one of the rest, then maybe everyone should be grouped with the majority due to them being unique. Yes, you belong to the majority because everyone of us is unique.
October 27, 2009
The ideal roster is one that gives me 2 + 2 with the original standby days as it should be.
As the time goes, all I look forward to after the end of work is to sleep right through the fatigue and wake up to a nice meal or greetings from someone.
and to top it off, some little treats like chocolate or ice cream in the fridge.
like a kid. yep. but that's like the ideal day to day life i'm looking forward to.
As the time goes, all I look forward to after the end of work is to sleep right through the fatigue and wake up to a nice meal or greetings from someone.
and to top it off, some little treats like chocolate or ice cream in the fridge.
like a kid. yep. but that's like the ideal day to day life i'm looking forward to.
Stuff to fill
Paycheck is in, again. That makes me just 8/9 away from this journey.
If i keep this going, maybe I'll hit 39kg by Christmas.
Yep. tell me about going on a diet.
Expensive stuffs don't bother me. and i wonder why they don't. Shouldn't i just stand with the majority? Knowing i will not be happier in the long run with those purchases but decided to go ahead anyway. and what's life without splurging money on stuff that fulfill only wants in the short term esp since i'm earning my own keep.
i'm bothered. and think that sooner or later i'll get high blood pressure due to the stress level, and require money to see a psychiatrist. then again, who in this time and age aint bothered with money? Keep thinking that no matter how much i earn, it aint enough. some days I look back at my $1300/mth salary a couple of years ago and think how crazy i was to even think that that amount of money is enough for a living. Minus CPF and the monthly allowance for parents, there aint even enough for transportation and meals. then again, meals were provided back then.
then i look at myself now and think that at where i am now, it feels like not enough. not enough at all. not enough to do things that i want without considering for the future. and so i'm confused with the priority at the moment. keep thinking of wanting to grab more moolah before i cant do so. keep thinking of how great everything would be if one day i strike the lottery and can continue to work with minimum burden. yes, i feel like an old lady dying for a way out of her miserable life. and the funny thing about all this is, i'm having all that i wanted. a challenging job that pays relatively well, a cert that opens door and supportive love ones. yet the grass is still greener on the other side.
but as we all know, when one crosses the line, there's always another one out there.
so learn to be pessimistic. For there'll be less lines to cross.
If i keep this going, maybe I'll hit 39kg by Christmas.
Yep. tell me about going on a diet.
Expensive stuffs don't bother me. and i wonder why they don't. Shouldn't i just stand with the majority? Knowing i will not be happier in the long run with those purchases but decided to go ahead anyway. and what's life without splurging money on stuff that fulfill only wants in the short term esp since i'm earning my own keep.
i'm bothered. and think that sooner or later i'll get high blood pressure due to the stress level, and require money to see a psychiatrist. then again, who in this time and age aint bothered with money? Keep thinking that no matter how much i earn, it aint enough. some days I look back at my $1300/mth salary a couple of years ago and think how crazy i was to even think that that amount of money is enough for a living. Minus CPF and the monthly allowance for parents, there aint even enough for transportation and meals. then again, meals were provided back then.
then i look at myself now and think that at where i am now, it feels like not enough. not enough at all. not enough to do things that i want without considering for the future. and so i'm confused with the priority at the moment. keep thinking of wanting to grab more moolah before i cant do so. keep thinking of how great everything would be if one day i strike the lottery and can continue to work with minimum burden. yes, i feel like an old lady dying for a way out of her miserable life. and the funny thing about all this is, i'm having all that i wanted. a challenging job that pays relatively well, a cert that opens door and supportive love ones. yet the grass is still greener on the other side.
but as we all know, when one crosses the line, there's always another one out there.
so learn to be pessimistic. For there'll be less lines to cross.
October 21, 2009
October 18, 2009
Sometimes all one wants to hear is the simplest greeting for a special day.
and if that is not possible, all else doesn't matter, really.
Recently I know i've been working hard, for the fatigue came back. When i can feel my heartbeat with my toes after a long day at work and my body goes limp after hitting the sack, I know i'm maxed out.
coz that's what happened back in Tok when after not being able to feel coz of the chores and cold, i can still count my heartbeat lying in bed, with my toes. the veins there somehow don't stop sending signals to the brain even after u feel numb all over.
I spent a good 8 hours into my bday at work, come to think of it, it feels like i've sold my soul to the organisation. i thought we'll be heading out for supper last night and i'll be able to at least spent time away from work to properly rest for a moment to note the start of a new year. but as usual, in ops shit happens all the time. so i ended up hungry, and miserable. for when things dont go as well as expected, it's hard to be happy. optimism gone with the wind. it's hard to keep the mood upbeat al the time, esp when the work env keeps throwing shit at you, and things make u fall time and again.
can only get use to it i suppose. that's what i prepare chocolates in my bag, for situations like that. so i was popping cocoas the whole night trying to keep the mood up by faking the hormones using whatever that is in chocolates, plus keep my stomach happy with the high energy intake. yep, the body can be fooled, but not the mind.
so now let's be realistic. I want new bags for my bday, new work shoes and new work clothes. and i know these can be fulfilled. i can buy them myself. haa!
Now, to my strawberry cake. YUM!
and if that is not possible, all else doesn't matter, really.
Recently I know i've been working hard, for the fatigue came back. When i can feel my heartbeat with my toes after a long day at work and my body goes limp after hitting the sack, I know i'm maxed out.
coz that's what happened back in Tok when after not being able to feel coz of the chores and cold, i can still count my heartbeat lying in bed, with my toes. the veins there somehow don't stop sending signals to the brain even after u feel numb all over.
I spent a good 8 hours into my bday at work, come to think of it, it feels like i've sold my soul to the organisation. i thought we'll be heading out for supper last night and i'll be able to at least spent time away from work to properly rest for a moment to note the start of a new year. but as usual, in ops shit happens all the time. so i ended up hungry, and miserable. for when things dont go as well as expected, it's hard to be happy. optimism gone with the wind. it's hard to keep the mood upbeat al the time, esp when the work env keeps throwing shit at you, and things make u fall time and again.
can only get use to it i suppose. that's what i prepare chocolates in my bag, for situations like that. so i was popping cocoas the whole night trying to keep the mood up by faking the hormones using whatever that is in chocolates, plus keep my stomach happy with the high energy intake. yep, the body can be fooled, but not the mind.
so now let's be realistic. I want new bags for my bday, new work shoes and new work clothes. and i know these can be fulfilled. i can buy them myself. haa!
Now, to my strawberry cake. YUM!
October 13, 2009
random
Different paths taken by different people.
Friends you used to hang out with, being in different places doing different things, leading different lives.
and facebook enables us to have a glimpse into the snapshots of your friends' lives.
work, study, at home, abroad.
like fun is the new life. no. letting people know that you're having fun is the new life.
Friends you used to hang out with, being in different places doing different things, leading different lives.
and facebook enables us to have a glimpse into the snapshots of your friends' lives.
work, study, at home, abroad.
like fun is the new life. no. letting people know that you're having fun is the new life.
don't want to be left alone when the tough gets going
Exhausted. very.
Knowing that the best thing is to be left alone yet can't help but engage in conversations that cause emotions to fluctuate. Like swinging from one extreme mood to another when the spark from that one little stone actually is able to start a fire.
Knowing that the best thing is to be left alone yet can't help but engage in conversations that cause emotions to fluctuate. Like swinging from one extreme mood to another when the spark from that one little stone actually is able to start a fire.
45
The desire to hit the minimum to give the gift of life, as a gift for myself. and knowing that that aint gonna happen anytime soon.
So let's be practical and turn to the tangibles.
Yep, a new bag, new shoes and new clothes will do.
and maybe I should get a new laptop for myself. when this one fails to perform.
we shall see.
So let's be practical and turn to the tangibles.
Yep, a new bag, new shoes and new clothes will do.
and maybe I should get a new laptop for myself. when this one fails to perform.
we shall see.
October 11, 2009
For all
Have you ever experience the transitional period where you keep searching for something but you have no idea what it is and where to find it?
Knowing that you've foreseen the circumstances of action or inaction yet not doing anything in the hope that your inaction will lead you down the path that has yet to be traveled?
Recently keep feeling that i'm not in the zone for anything. not even for resting. and that every minute spent is a step closer to the end of the month, and a step closer to the next year.
Need some screaming pills.
but knowing that even if there is somehow some means to obtain it, it wouldnt help coz if others find your toe a little out of line, you're game.
----------------------------
ok, random stuff..
aint there a saying that people live in denial? so if i think i'm crazy, am i not? or because i think, therefore i am?
Knowing that you've foreseen the circumstances of action or inaction yet not doing anything in the hope that your inaction will lead you down the path that has yet to be traveled?
Recently keep feeling that i'm not in the zone for anything. not even for resting. and that every minute spent is a step closer to the end of the month, and a step closer to the next year.
Need some screaming pills.
but knowing that even if there is somehow some means to obtain it, it wouldnt help coz if others find your toe a little out of line, you're game.
----------------------------
ok, random stuff..
aint there a saying that people live in denial? so if i think i'm crazy, am i not? or because i think, therefore i am?
realising i have most of the symptoms of the big D, just missing the death part
and the chili that i misplaced last year appeared mysteriously in the kitchen counter-top. and yep, a stress-ball's gonna do what a stress-ball's gonna do.
September 25, 2009
Fierce
As far as I am concern, that is not the limit. There's always another line at the end of this one.
Knowing that I am not as indifferent as I though I am when my body sends signals to the hypothalamus that at the rate I am going and enduring, getting high blood pressure is simply a matter of time.
Yep. As if I don't know. Looking forward to the days of joining the shake-leg-coy. and knowing that being a homemaker doesnt make you a party member of the company..
Knowing that I am not as indifferent as I though I am when my body sends signals to the hypothalamus that at the rate I am going and enduring, getting high blood pressure is simply a matter of time.
Yep. As if I don't know. Looking forward to the days of joining the shake-leg-coy. and knowing that being a homemaker doesnt make you a party member of the company..
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