Finding sanity through words, in this ever-changing world

do you know who i am?
....do you even know who you are?

...i found this, but somewhere along the way, i lost myself...

~where will you go~

with no one left to save you from yourself??

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November 2011

Silence is Golden BUT Shouting is FUN

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November 01, 2011

~Wake me up when October ends~

It's officially November!

My favorite quarter of the year AND the wedding is over finally.

Somehow everything that happened on the wedding day seems like a roller coaster ride with me realising that the ride was over only at the end.

I collected my gown a week before the wedding and did my nails 2 days before the wedding. on the eve of the actual day, i was going about normal daily activities like waiting 3 hrs at Starhub signing up for broadband, cable tv and mobile line WHEN the iPhone 4S was out. lolx.. then cleaning up the new house again. Aint brides supposed to be uber busy on the eve of the wedding? lolx.. i feel totally relaxed... at first. that was when i returned home only to realise i haven put on facial mask one last time, haven had time to do yet another hair mask, clean up my room MORE, and pack for the hotel stay. lolx.. so i was walking around the house getting things done until 12+. and luckily shiftwork trained me to wake up at 0530am regardless of my fatigue level. so i woke up, shower AND eat breakfast while waiting for the make up artist to come. lolx. and i did my makeup lying down. muahaha.. talk abt slack..

The hair stylist and photographer arrived at abt 0745 and started their work. I just sat there waiting for the day to turn bright. Before i realised it, my relatives had arrived with their congratulatory voices and flashes were snapping away.
I changed into my gown and people started tearing. My parents came to put on the veil for me and they started crying as well. then my aunts were watching and they too, started crying. My big aunt couldnt sleep last night. she said she felt as if her own daughter was getting married- maybe coz we're only 3 days old apart and they see me grow up..

Then I hear the Camry honk and i heard his voice at the door and my heart started to race. He wrote me a sweet note as requested. We did away with the gate crashing- the 4 flavors as well as the games, and the love contract outside the room door. but I requested for a love letter/ note, which he wrote and slide under the door before my sis open the door to allow him in. ^.^
I think this is more like us, and I'm glad I didnt conform to norm by having the gate crashing.

Even the make up artist commented that our wedding is simple without any major time delay. We arrived at the hotel and we got a free upgrade to a suite!! =)

I was surrounded by people I love and friends who make a difference in my life. Those that without them, i wont be who i am today.

All i wanted was for everyone to turn up with well wishes for me and Wils, to relax and enjoy the food. That was also partly the reason why I did not have an entourage. Having to ensure that everyone was taken care of, well fed and satisfied was more than what i could handle on the day i need to relax the most.

and so i was thinking after the wedding, that in this lifetime, i am lucky to find the one i love, and loves me back, as well as the friends who are willing to share my greatest joy. THANK YOU all. for making a difference in my life.

Labels: love

confusion noted at 3:43 PM

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June 24, 2011

Need reassurance from the right people.

confusion noted at 2:58 AM

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June 09, 2011

Utterly emo today. Suddenly I felt like everything is happening at the same time and that my life has been compressed to a high pressure vault that needs constant monitoring lest it explodes.

So being a pessimist, I was quietly tearing before bed thinking how long more till i encounter a meltdown in the near future.

I know I must have better time management. I know I am capable of bigger things in life and should be able to cope with all things as I believe that God will never give someone more things that he or she can handle. But somewhere along this path that I'm taking, things don't go the way I want them to, and I become so overwhelmed with stuffs that I shldnt be too concerned with in the first place.

I cannot perform at my peak at work, maintain a good emotional and physical well-being, be the best daughter/fiancee/friend that I can be, without compromising on one or a combination of the above.

So I feel like My achievements for this year is at an all time low.
I seldom feel so demoralized at the life I am leading. So I guess this emo phase comes from the fear of not achieving my dream wedding, or the fear of not being good enough for everyone. Maybe it's a combination of both.

And I am annoyed at myself. A lot. For I know that he loves me so much that whatever I want, he'll provide just to make me happy. But I don't want OUR wedding to be a one-sided preference kinda event, for I know there are elements were he'll comply but not be too enthu or happy about. And I am willing to compromise. That is, after the meltdown that is sure to come. The meltdown will make me come to terms with those regrets that I'll live with, at least in the near future.

confusion noted at 12:43 AM

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June 02, 2011

~lasik~

Recently my brain functions at its maximum capacity. to the point where i think i'm a walking timebomb.

Firstly i wanted to note down my LASIK experience. Finally made up my mind and go ahead with Shinagawa lasik at Wheelock place. Went for both Shinagawa and LSC forums and felt that the former was much better in terms of the clear ecplanation as well as had a great experience at the pre-lasik assessment.
Wils went for his pre-lasik assessment at LSC and had a totally horrendous saturday afternoon there. He then went to try Shinagawa. The utcome is still the same- his cornea is not suitable for lasik. But he too, felt that the doctors and nurses there have a much better understanding of the customer needs as well as a higher standard of service.

I went to the appointment on 30 May and spend a total of less than 2 hours in the clinic, incl filling up forms and waiting time before i stepped out of the clinic spectacle-free.

The nurse first brought me to a cosy area of the clinic and let me relax on this reclining armchair in a private space. she administered a small sleeping pill which she told me was for relaxation and in no means meant to make me sleep during the surgery. then she gave me numbing eyedrops. after resting for awhile, i was brought to another room where i don this disposable surgery gown and cap to keep my hair out of the way. Then i had more eye drops administered before the doctor check my eyes to confirm that i'm well enough for surgery.

i was then brought to the 1st operating theater where they create the flap. The nurses there guided me along the way and told me what to expect prior to each stage of the surgery, which i find very comforting.

In the 1st operating room, i lie down on this chair that looks damn dentist-like. Doctor Lee was talking to me the whole time, pre-empting me of what to expect. Along the way he told me what i was supposed to experience, which is great, for i was initially so scared of the pressure on my eye and the vision going away completely for that few seconds. i was told that i will see a green light, then a red one, then i will feel pressure on my eye, then my vision will disappear. then i will feel more pressure. then i was to countdown from 25. so 2 nurses was in the room counting down for me so that i know when to take a new breadth! then the cycle repeats. after which doc Lee went to the 2nd operating room to prepare while the nurse apply more eyedrops, and told me to continue blinking to make the bubbles which was formed to create the flap go away.

then someone guided me to the next room. by then my vision was much like my normal sight without specs or contacts, but more hazy.

the 2nd operating room was a full lie down bed. this time round i do not feel any pressure/pain at all. again Dr lee pre-empt me on what to expect and what i was suppose to experience. after which i can see him using this thing that looks like a spatula to even out the flap. that very much reminds me of how we apply butter on chicken wings during BBQ.

in less than 5 mins, viola! i was given a pat on the shoulders and congratulations! i can see without spectacles.

So i was brought back to the resting area to relax for awhile fore leaving the clinic. the first thing the nurse told me was "your husband ask you to call him when you're done. he says he'll be downstairs shopping!" Damn. i forgot to bring my phone so i got to borrow the clinic's phone to make the call. and he told the nurse that i'm his wife. lolx.. not for another 2 months!

So my eyes felt rather heavy right after the surgery. on my way back home in his car i kept my eyes closed to avoid the sunlight. after i reached home i realised i have trouble keeping my eyes wide open. i can only manage a slit to see and my eyes cant stop tearing. so i ate a quick dinner and went to bed.

4 hrs nap later, i woke up being able to see everything without spectacles.

2 days later, i'm thoroughly enjoying my lifestyle without spectacles and contacts. after lasik, i no longer need to fumble for my spectacles when i wake up in the morning, or remove my contacts when my eyes feel too dry.
I can see perfectly fine, and i think it's a great technology. it's amazing how a few beams of laser can bring so much convenience.

i do not experience any bloodshot eyes, i am applying the eyedrops as instructed, and can't wait to fully appreciate the convenience of not having to bring eyewear during holidays and while playing sports!!!!

Labels: lasik, shinagawa

confusion noted at 12:22 AM

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April 18, 2011

~henrymello video~

http://vimeo.com/22486140

confusion noted at 11:03 PM

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