don't know why. like back to the tone of the old blog.
Like still in that state of mind.
Like ageing but not maturing.
Just growing older but not wiser.
Like everything else that is unexplainable.
Like knowing it takes just 21 days to form a habit, and that trying to believe that things will be as expected after a month. but forgetting that it takes just 7 days to forget a habit as well.
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
September 17, 2009
September 15, 2009
Something to look forward to?
Need those stuffs to keep me motivated.
Last time there used to be deadlines that I know I'll meet, signifying the end of a period and the start of a new one.
Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Somehow this time round it seems like everything is clouded and haze is all over those stuffs.
Like the ticket to freedom costs much more than the pot of gold credited into an invisible source of moolah accumulation at the end of the month.
I thought I'll come to forget the feeling of being so tired, since the 17 odd hours i put in every other day in Tok. but life always find someway or another to make a joke out of you.
So here I am, zombie-like and trying to please myself more than anything in the world.
and looking for stuff to keep me sane. things that bring me away from the feeling of being suffocated.
Like searching for the feeling of going away like last year. Like having no responsibility and smiling like all the thousands of photos in the hard disk.
Like the need to go away after a period of work. Like planning for a trip that makes it possible for one to look forward to and count down to happy days.
Like feeling so lucky after work being doted on and cared for.
Like thanks. Thank You.
Last time there used to be deadlines that I know I'll meet, signifying the end of a period and the start of a new one.
Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Somehow this time round it seems like everything is clouded and haze is all over those stuffs.
Like the ticket to freedom costs much more than the pot of gold credited into an invisible source of moolah accumulation at the end of the month.
I thought I'll come to forget the feeling of being so tired, since the 17 odd hours i put in every other day in Tok. but life always find someway or another to make a joke out of you.
So here I am, zombie-like and trying to please myself more than anything in the world.
and looking for stuff to keep me sane. things that bring me away from the feeling of being suffocated.
Like searching for the feeling of going away like last year. Like having no responsibility and smiling like all the thousands of photos in the hard disk.
Like the need to go away after a period of work. Like planning for a trip that makes it possible for one to look forward to and count down to happy days.
Like feeling so lucky after work being doted on and cared for.
Like thanks. Thank You.
July 22, 2009
Shrinking memory radius
Those group mates that once were. Now gone.
Will i take the initiative to contact them in future?
No.
Will they do the same to me?
Yes.
Memories lasted till the point in time where we sat during meal breaks in the middle of / in between classes talking about how little we learnt from the start of the module till then. What we aim to achieve at the end of our schooldays.
People forgotten, till facebook pops up some familiar name with a link.
you click on it, bringing you to the current going-ons in their lives, and you wonder if somewhere, sometime, other acquaintances are doing the same- not remembering your existence until they chanced upon chance.
Then somehow it brings about this sombre mood where the fact sinks in, the fact that even when your paths crossed, it means little than yet another maybe familiar face in future.
and that, is sad. For it seems like at the end of the day, we are all solely me, me, me for we are the only ones living with ourselves 24/7.
and as time goes, the theory of 6 degrees of separation may well be just an ideal term which is only possible on paper. For those steps may well be invisible, or so weak that one will never reach the 6th. which is to say, we are all so NOT connected that it amazes me. yes, especially in this technologically advanced generation where we all buy into the theory that the world is flat.
yes. and all over the invisible dimension of the world wide web, people are coming up with a zillion programs and applications just to make those lines more defined. Things like facebook and iphones. yes, hail those intangibles that make up our world.
Will i take the initiative to contact them in future?
No.
Will they do the same to me?
Yes.
Memories lasted till the point in time where we sat during meal breaks in the middle of / in between classes talking about how little we learnt from the start of the module till then. What we aim to achieve at the end of our schooldays.
People forgotten, till facebook pops up some familiar name with a link.
you click on it, bringing you to the current going-ons in their lives, and you wonder if somewhere, sometime, other acquaintances are doing the same- not remembering your existence until they chanced upon chance.
Then somehow it brings about this sombre mood where the fact sinks in, the fact that even when your paths crossed, it means little than yet another maybe familiar face in future.
and that, is sad. For it seems like at the end of the day, we are all solely me, me, me for we are the only ones living with ourselves 24/7.
and as time goes, the theory of 6 degrees of separation may well be just an ideal term which is only possible on paper. For those steps may well be invisible, or so weak that one will never reach the 6th. which is to say, we are all so NOT connected that it amazes me. yes, especially in this technologically advanced generation where we all buy into the theory that the world is flat.
yes. and all over the invisible dimension of the world wide web, people are coming up with a zillion programs and applications just to make those lines more defined. Things like facebook and iphones. yes, hail those intangibles that make up our world.
April 22, 2009
Somehow keeping this blog seems like a torture recently.
I no longer find joy in sharing what I think, regardless of whether the stuff makes sense or not.
I find myself staring at the create post page blankly for goodness know how long till I know I've sat out the intense moments. then I'll type in some lame words or another that means little.
I missed those reflective moments where my thoughts go in a million directions and I spent some quality time alone communicating with myself and find out what I need and want in a particular period. I am happy when I managed to understand and love myself better every time I go through the routine memory un-cluttering process. and continue learning from myself when i look back and see it in words how i felt and reacted when i was younger, all my fears, confusion and immaturity.
Just ignore me. Some days things just hit from nowhere. Then one looks back and only realised that you've made a loop and is about at the ending point. and what's scary is not completing the race, but knowing that the ending point is right where the next starting point will be. damn!
and performance in one lap isnt going to help you win the race.
I no longer find joy in sharing what I think, regardless of whether the stuff makes sense or not.
I find myself staring at the create post page blankly for goodness know how long till I know I've sat out the intense moments. then I'll type in some lame words or another that means little.
I missed those reflective moments where my thoughts go in a million directions and I spent some quality time alone communicating with myself and find out what I need and want in a particular period. I am happy when I managed to understand and love myself better every time I go through the routine memory un-cluttering process. and continue learning from myself when i look back and see it in words how i felt and reacted when i was younger, all my fears, confusion and immaturity.
Just ignore me. Some days things just hit from nowhere. Then one looks back and only realised that you've made a loop and is about at the ending point. and what's scary is not completing the race, but knowing that the ending point is right where the next starting point will be. damn!
and performance in one lap isnt going to help you win the race.
March 04, 2008
Behind the line, awaiting the right time to take the leap of faith and in the process of accumulating courage.
Sometimes i really feel like slapping myself, at least that might be able to serve as a wake up call.
and there is no dilemma to begin with. NOT at all. I made the decision before i turned 21, and has been working hard towards it after knowing what i want then. Now that i am THIS close to grasping that bright shining star, i start having reservations.. Feels EXACTLY like being on the starting line during sports day waiting for the guest-of-honor to pull the trigger to begin the race. After working hard to be qualified to compete in the finals, suddenly you start having doubts and then go on to thoughts on giving up, even before the race begins.
It's kinda hard to explain why. I have no idea where the confidence and optimism went. I guess i'm afraid, that i cannot live up to expectations, of not being good enough. that the luck that i've had all these years might just run out when i needed it most. and it's kinda annoying that a person with internal locus of control starts faltering and allow extrinsic influences to take over.
Fickle-minded. what if i realise that my passion lies somewhere ELSE after this semester? what if there are better opportunities out there? what if i am limiting myself way too much and viewing the world from the bottom of the well? then again, i applied when i am barely halfway through BECAUSE i believe my future self will be able to handle come what may. Now that i am IN the future, i find myself stuck despite my confidence and strong belief then.
Everyone has been encouraging, and i think that i'm damn lucky. BUT what if, what if it isnt meant to be? that means i have to live 1000 days in misery. not that i cant overcome that (my mom has been extremely optimistic, telling me that if i cant handle it, no one will be able to), but i don't think i want to put myself through that.
One educator changed my life. ONE. in barely a semester. and in today's OB class, VL was saying that how things turn out in life is based on the choices that you make 90% of the time, which is dependent on the 10% events that will happen anyway.
It's the choices we make that determine who we are today. so back to the topic, should i take another step forward into the glaring light though i cant see what's ahead?
Sometimes i really feel like slapping myself, at least that might be able to serve as a wake up call.
and there is no dilemma to begin with. NOT at all. I made the decision before i turned 21, and has been working hard towards it after knowing what i want then. Now that i am THIS close to grasping that bright shining star, i start having reservations.. Feels EXACTLY like being on the starting line during sports day waiting for the guest-of-honor to pull the trigger to begin the race. After working hard to be qualified to compete in the finals, suddenly you start having doubts and then go on to thoughts on giving up, even before the race begins.
It's kinda hard to explain why. I have no idea where the confidence and optimism went. I guess i'm afraid, that i cannot live up to expectations, of not being good enough. that the luck that i've had all these years might just run out when i needed it most. and it's kinda annoying that a person with internal locus of control starts faltering and allow extrinsic influences to take over.
Fickle-minded. what if i realise that my passion lies somewhere ELSE after this semester? what if there are better opportunities out there? what if i am limiting myself way too much and viewing the world from the bottom of the well? then again, i applied when i am barely halfway through BECAUSE i believe my future self will be able to handle come what may. Now that i am IN the future, i find myself stuck despite my confidence and strong belief then.
Everyone has been encouraging, and i think that i'm damn lucky. BUT what if, what if it isnt meant to be? that means i have to live 1000 days in misery. not that i cant overcome that (my mom has been extremely optimistic, telling me that if i cant handle it, no one will be able to), but i don't think i want to put myself through that.
One educator changed my life. ONE. in barely a semester. and in today's OB class, VL was saying that how things turn out in life is based on the choices that you make 90% of the time, which is dependent on the 10% events that will happen anyway.
It's the choices we make that determine who we are today. so back to the topic, should i take another step forward into the glaring light though i cant see what's ahead?
February 28, 2008
Noctural stories
The night shift attachment was a sight indeed. I am only as tall as the wheels of the smallest crane. Been aboard the mighty quay cranes ytd and maneuvering the spreader that can lift 60 tonnes of stuff in 4 directions and the entire equipment to the next berth, with the privilege of sitting at the control seat of the specialist and on board the vessel's desk and navigation room. PMing the prime movers, selecting the job sequence, job scheduling at the whiskies room AND going round with the area IC enable me to see the entire operations in a 360 degrees view. It's amazing how details are being factored into a gigantic operation on a scale unimaginable. One just cant help feeling insignificant in that environment.
Most who know about it look at me with green eyes. I know i should be proud of myself. But somehow the more approval and encouragement i get, the more i start to doubt. being skeptical and then coming to terms and really believing is a hurdle. Others most probably wont have that difficulty. so i know it's just me.
Despite being a little baffled (just a little), i keep reminding myself that it's a rare opportunity to be able to do what i've always wanted, and be part of where i think i want to belong. and not just the yusof ishaks dangling at the end of the rainbow.
Digression...
Night cycling with the KR peeps last night. the first time i went night cycling, i missed biding round 1A and ended up taking only 4 modules in a semester coz i fell asleep and was outbidded. Not a very good experience fighting for modules in the later rounds so maybe that explains my reservations regarding going on a two-wheel ride. This time round, my left knee got scraped. The last time i had an abrasion was in primary school when i fell while walking. Kids just dont have a good sense of balance. I guess not having enough sleep puts my balancing ability on the same scale as toddlers. Seriously, i am lost- what do people do to treat abrasion? leave it alone? yeah. so much for being in SJAB.
I've never been a good cyclist, never am and never will be. But the best part of cycling is that you know that there is no way you can fall off unless you stop peddling. so no worries about not being able to balance, coz everyone can- just that sometimes you balance on your butt. Oh.. and the amazing feeling of hearing the wind. being alone, hearing your thoughts loud and clear enveloped in the wind. I like being at the back, coz i believe that slow and steady wins the race so taking risks are well, just not my style. Then again, sometimes i think i just have to take the leap pf faith and build my wings on the way down.
Yeah. so back to the topic, i think i'll step across the line and go charging into the storm. there might be two pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Most who know about it look at me with green eyes. I know i should be proud of myself. But somehow the more approval and encouragement i get, the more i start to doubt. being skeptical and then coming to terms and really believing is a hurdle. Others most probably wont have that difficulty. so i know it's just me.
Despite being a little baffled (just a little), i keep reminding myself that it's a rare opportunity to be able to do what i've always wanted, and be part of where i think i want to belong. and not just the yusof ishaks dangling at the end of the rainbow.
Digression...
Night cycling with the KR peeps last night. the first time i went night cycling, i missed biding round 1A and ended up taking only 4 modules in a semester coz i fell asleep and was outbidded. Not a very good experience fighting for modules in the later rounds so maybe that explains my reservations regarding going on a two-wheel ride. This time round, my left knee got scraped. The last time i had an abrasion was in primary school when i fell while walking. Kids just dont have a good sense of balance. I guess not having enough sleep puts my balancing ability on the same scale as toddlers. Seriously, i am lost- what do people do to treat abrasion? leave it alone? yeah. so much for being in SJAB.
I've never been a good cyclist, never am and never will be. But the best part of cycling is that you know that there is no way you can fall off unless you stop peddling. so no worries about not being able to balance, coz everyone can- just that sometimes you balance on your butt. Oh.. and the amazing feeling of hearing the wind. being alone, hearing your thoughts loud and clear enveloped in the wind. I like being at the back, coz i believe that slow and steady wins the race so taking risks are well, just not my style. Then again, sometimes i think i just have to take the leap pf faith and build my wings on the way down.
Yeah. so back to the topic, i think i'll step across the line and go charging into the storm. there might be two pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.
February 14, 2008
Freaky
It's scary.
To some it might be a chunk of alphabets put together.
In my eyes, it seems like a child crying in vain with a bleeding heart with no one around to help.
I can imagine thoughts screaming in the mind, the scarring beneath the smiling face, the direction-less and unanchored feelings that lead to nowhere. that's not all, what follows is being alone bearing the intolerable and trying your best to do without the indispensables..
Being enveloped by the dark. Scary thoughts that may as well drive a person insane. nothing to fall back on, without any way to rebound, and help seems like a million light years away.. what can one do when the negativities start corroding your well-being?
The tag line i set is 'Finding sanity through words, in this ever-changing world.' Always believe that we best rationalize away the negativities through words. but the fact remains that a coin has two sides and it depends on which side one is looking at.
the unimaginable disturbing feelings i get from one entry. Just one. just lines and lines of words made up of 26 characters.
How far can one reaches out to save a poor soul in need of help? and can help transcends across time and space?
so the one thing i want you to know: your pleas are heard. So try to stay away from the bad and ugly till help is rendered. i know you can do it.
To some it might be a chunk of alphabets put together.
In my eyes, it seems like a child crying in vain with a bleeding heart with no one around to help.
I can imagine thoughts screaming in the mind, the scarring beneath the smiling face, the direction-less and unanchored feelings that lead to nowhere. that's not all, what follows is being alone bearing the intolerable and trying your best to do without the indispensables..
Being enveloped by the dark. Scary thoughts that may as well drive a person insane. nothing to fall back on, without any way to rebound, and help seems like a million light years away.. what can one do when the negativities start corroding your well-being?
The tag line i set is 'Finding sanity through words, in this ever-changing world.' Always believe that we best rationalize away the negativities through words. but the fact remains that a coin has two sides and it depends on which side one is looking at.
the unimaginable disturbing feelings i get from one entry. Just one. just lines and lines of words made up of 26 characters.
How far can one reaches out to save a poor soul in need of help? and can help transcends across time and space?
so the one thing i want you to know: your pleas are heard. So try to stay away from the bad and ugly till help is rendered. i know you can do it.
February 03, 2008
X-rayed
It's as if i've been taken apart and analysed. Mole by mole, atom by atom. Never felt so transparent after what Christine said then. It's like no matter how much sugar and honey i add, the cup of water still tastes pretty much like.. water.
I guessed i got my amour of quills out in full view last night, but it's clear to anyone who isn't blind that somehow, somewhere that coat didn't help. That effort seemed so feeble that in contrary it displayed what's left in full view.
Now i am wondering what will happen after the intangible sword pierced through the intangible shield.
Will the turtle goes back to it's shell?
I guessed i got my amour of quills out in full view last night, but it's clear to anyone who isn't blind that somehow, somewhere that coat didn't help. That effort seemed so feeble that in contrary it displayed what's left in full view.
Now i am wondering what will happen after the intangible sword pierced through the intangible shield.
Will the turtle goes back to it's shell?
February 01, 2008
Reinforcing beliefs
I received the greatest news in my life (as of now) verbally, on Tues.
Thought it was all but a dream. until i saw it in print.
The shock has yet to filter through my state of intense confusion and be registered.
So now it still feels kind of intangible and faraway. Like some unreachable goals.
My mom has started to spread the joy (i think) and i guess she's as proud of me as she was, maybe even proud-ER now. My dad adopted his usual laid-back attitude but took the initiative to call me and ask for more information every now and then, showing concern as to how my hostel life is. I think my family misses me. lolx.. and i do miss them too.
I'm kind of glad that opportunities come by so often that if u dare to grab hold of one, it'll bring you to scale greater heights. Received the email forwarded by the school's admin staff to the KU's person in charge regarding my application. Now all i need to do is to wait and see. I guess things will fall nicely in place since i seem to be going steamrolling ahead and is unstoppable.
Maybe i should just wait for a couple of days. Miss a few days (more) of school for the new term so that i can fully enjoy Alaska without the need to take the long lone flight home, especially with the troublesome connecting flights. I'm so looking forward to taking away with me all the insecurities and negativities to a faraway place that serves as a dumping ground AND to obtain valuable experiences that i'll never forget for a lifetime at the same location. I believe that it's only when you're in liminality that you'll truly reflect your innate self.
Wanted someone who can reinforce my beliefs the other day. Needed a pat on the back for job well-done, for someone to assure me that no matter what i do or what choices i make, i'll be safe on the track i'm on and will end up well and good at the finishing line. Goals may change, i do too. but shall leave the worrying and uncertainties to the brighter and better tomorrows.
Thought it was all but a dream. until i saw it in print.
The shock has yet to filter through my state of intense confusion and be registered.
So now it still feels kind of intangible and faraway. Like some unreachable goals.
My mom has started to spread the joy (i think) and i guess she's as proud of me as she was, maybe even proud-ER now. My dad adopted his usual laid-back attitude but took the initiative to call me and ask for more information every now and then, showing concern as to how my hostel life is. I think my family misses me. lolx.. and i do miss them too.
I'm kind of glad that opportunities come by so often that if u dare to grab hold of one, it'll bring you to scale greater heights. Received the email forwarded by the school's admin staff to the KU's person in charge regarding my application. Now all i need to do is to wait and see. I guess things will fall nicely in place since i seem to be going steamrolling ahead and is unstoppable.
Maybe i should just wait for a couple of days. Miss a few days (more) of school for the new term so that i can fully enjoy Alaska without the need to take the long lone flight home, especially with the troublesome connecting flights. I'm so looking forward to taking away with me all the insecurities and negativities to a faraway place that serves as a dumping ground AND to obtain valuable experiences that i'll never forget for a lifetime at the same location. I believe that it's only when you're in liminality that you'll truly reflect your innate self.
Wanted someone who can reinforce my beliefs the other day. Needed a pat on the back for job well-done, for someone to assure me that no matter what i do or what choices i make, i'll be safe on the track i'm on and will end up well and good at the finishing line. Goals may change, i do too. but shall leave the worrying and uncertainties to the brighter and better tomorrows.
January 28, 2008
Beyond the facade
I think the floor theme should be 'Confession of an overage teenager.'
Goes well with the 'got depth' framework with mirrors, lift button strictly 'not for grownups', the kid's party streamers and lots of cutesy shimmering hearts hung on ceiling and a half constructed supposedly cozy corner.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The oh-so-lame things that i thought were beyond my imagination, at least until yesterday.
Seems like even as we mature in age, our inner selves may well remain childlike forever.
The excuses we made up ever so often to get about our daily lives makes me wonder how long more we are going to deceive ourselves and to what extent just to feel better, for you, me and the world at large.
I've been trying not to get emotionally affected by a certain behavior, especially disappearing acts. It makes me wonder (again) why the more technology advances, the more faults and problems we seem to find and/or identify with. and the contradiction here is that most of the issues have to be solved, somehow or another, via another major technological breakthrough. and let's just say i'm so looking forward to teleportation, time freezing and precise biometric tracking system linked to GPS.
Three weeks into school and it feels like i'm halfway through the semester. I've begin to think of room as home and the act of walking back to hall as a routine act like taking a bus trip back to HG. Growing accustomed to the convenience, and the feeling of being independent. Minimal communication with my siblings means lesser frictions, especially when they're at what Erikson termed as 'identity vs identity confusion' stage.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Opportunities aplenty. Abundant room for growth and a million reasons to take (more) risks.
The initial appeal usually intensifies then die away completely, like echo in the mountains.
Now i find myself equipped with everything but the right mood to take up MORE responsibilities and commitment for stuff that i know i wont be able to handle with my personality and lousy time management, especially on top of the pile of schoolwork that is increasing at an accelerating speed.
digression:
I like my room. I think it is how i'd like my room to be. A little messy yet in order. Things in their right places and inventory minimised yet the entire supply chain optimised, keeping total costs low. I like the way the sun streamed through my blinds in the morning in the exact angle that i left the night before so that i can wake up with the sun shining brightly in my face, welcoming me to a whole new day. I like just how the PSA lights glow in the distance at night with the street lamps lined up solitary in the streets and me being able to see through my snowflake glasses if i want to empty my mind. I am grateful for the fact that the condo next door isnt ready yet so i can leave my blinds undrawn the entire day without having the feeling that someone opposite is peeping. I like it that i can see greenery from where i am sitting instead of the windows of yet another room. I like the fact that i'm living at the highest floor possible for females and that the floor above me is the rooftop. I consider myself lucky that i am NOT placed is a strategic location where the afternoon sun shines in and make my room a sauna.
----------------------------------------------------------
Learn as we go along.. thinking that you've found the center of the onion only to realise that what lies beneath the layer of skin is yet another skin and you can go on and on thinking that you're just one step away from the truth only to find more layers to be uncovered.. and tearing as you go along..
Beyond the facade, may well be another.
Goes well with the 'got depth' framework with mirrors, lift button strictly 'not for grownups', the kid's party streamers and lots of cutesy shimmering hearts hung on ceiling and a half constructed supposedly cozy corner.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The oh-so-lame things that i thought were beyond my imagination, at least until yesterday.
Seems like even as we mature in age, our inner selves may well remain childlike forever.
The excuses we made up ever so often to get about our daily lives makes me wonder how long more we are going to deceive ourselves and to what extent just to feel better, for you, me and the world at large.
I've been trying not to get emotionally affected by a certain behavior, especially disappearing acts. It makes me wonder (again) why the more technology advances, the more faults and problems we seem to find and/or identify with. and the contradiction here is that most of the issues have to be solved, somehow or another, via another major technological breakthrough. and let's just say i'm so looking forward to teleportation, time freezing and precise biometric tracking system linked to GPS.
Three weeks into school and it feels like i'm halfway through the semester. I've begin to think of room as home and the act of walking back to hall as a routine act like taking a bus trip back to HG. Growing accustomed to the convenience, and the feeling of being independent. Minimal communication with my siblings means lesser frictions, especially when they're at what Erikson termed as 'identity vs identity confusion' stage.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Opportunities aplenty. Abundant room for growth and a million reasons to take (more) risks.
The initial appeal usually intensifies then die away completely, like echo in the mountains.
Now i find myself equipped with everything but the right mood to take up MORE responsibilities and commitment for stuff that i know i wont be able to handle with my personality and lousy time management, especially on top of the pile of schoolwork that is increasing at an accelerating speed.
digression:
I like my room. I think it is how i'd like my room to be. A little messy yet in order. Things in their right places and inventory minimised yet the entire supply chain optimised, keeping total costs low. I like the way the sun streamed through my blinds in the morning in the exact angle that i left the night before so that i can wake up with the sun shining brightly in my face, welcoming me to a whole new day. I like just how the PSA lights glow in the distance at night with the street lamps lined up solitary in the streets and me being able to see through my snowflake glasses if i want to empty my mind. I am grateful for the fact that the condo next door isnt ready yet so i can leave my blinds undrawn the entire day without having the feeling that someone opposite is peeping. I like it that i can see greenery from where i am sitting instead of the windows of yet another room. I like the fact that i'm living at the highest floor possible for females and that the floor above me is the rooftop. I consider myself lucky that i am NOT placed is a strategic location where the afternoon sun shines in and make my room a sauna.
----------------------------------------------------------
Learn as we go along.. thinking that you've found the center of the onion only to realise that what lies beneath the layer of skin is yet another skin and you can go on and on thinking that you're just one step away from the truth only to find more layers to be uncovered.. and tearing as you go along..
Beyond the facade, may well be another.
January 23, 2008
If only i stop making assumptions. Then again, i got the indifferent attitude to cope with.
It's surprising how the number of hours i spend facing the laptop isn't in proportionate to more shows/ longer entries and such. It's the number of minutes that tick by without any accomplishment that kind of.. you know.. irritates me endless..
Yet another week. I'm counting down, or rather, trying not to. 15 more weeks to the end of this term. If only I can get past not being judged by people who follow the norm in this superficial society, perhaps i'll be an entire different person. Then again, it's too late. I've alr found myself walking en route the future.
To those who are still aimless with life, the only think i recalled from OB this week is that studies have shown that generally, people who are unhappy or don't like school tend to bring with them the same mentality when they go out to work. Somehow or another, they'll be discontented with life in every step of the way, all the way till they die.
Wasn't i glad that i got the personality of a White. Apathy still rules despite unhappy times.
That makes me a little contented, yet a little sad.
It's surprising how the number of hours i spend facing the laptop isn't in proportionate to more shows/ longer entries and such. It's the number of minutes that tick by without any accomplishment that kind of.. you know.. irritates me endless..
Yet another week. I'm counting down, or rather, trying not to. 15 more weeks to the end of this term. If only I can get past not being judged by people who follow the norm in this superficial society, perhaps i'll be an entire different person. Then again, it's too late. I've alr found myself walking en route the future.
To those who are still aimless with life, the only think i recalled from OB this week is that studies have shown that generally, people who are unhappy or don't like school tend to bring with them the same mentality when they go out to work. Somehow or another, they'll be discontented with life in every step of the way, all the way till they die.
Wasn't i glad that i got the personality of a White. Apathy still rules despite unhappy times.
That makes me a little contented, yet a little sad.
January 09, 2008
Feel of my spirit is too old for me to understand
Being mistaken for being older than i am just by the way i carry myself.
You don't look old. But you most certainly don't behave like other 21s.. The way you speak and act. Isn't as childish as others.
What's new? ... As usual.. and i dunno if i should laugh or cry.. but this time round, i take that as a compliment.
Was told that i should be happy because there'll be a point in time when the differences end and i'll be able to appreciate the disparity.
Right now all i want is the ability to see myself the way others see me. Then, i will (might) be able to understand the reasons behind the impression i give others.
You don't look old. But you most certainly don't behave like other 21s.. The way you speak and act. Isn't as childish as others.
What's new? ... As usual.. and i dunno if i should laugh or cry.. but this time round, i take that as a compliment.
Was told that i should be happy because there'll be a point in time when the differences end and i'll be able to appreciate the disparity.
Right now all i want is the ability to see myself the way others see me. Then, i will (might) be able to understand the reasons behind the impression i give others.
December 08, 2007
Beautiful day. Perfect weather.
A series of events happened lately.. which sadly, didnt seem to faze me..
Am just wondering just how much (more) time i am going to waste.. on all these stuff before i leap into the rat race..
And i seriously dunno just how much (more) indifferent i can get.. About everything.
Everything used to matter so much that even nothing matters. Now everything doesnt seem to matter so nothing matters at all. alright. and nothing seems to be the problem. yeah. nothing. and it's irritating that even when nothing matters, it still does. Maybe it's just me.
I think it's time for me to get away from all these clockwork stuff.. coz everywhere i turn, i see:
The good,
The bad, and
The ugly.
Situations with a million different possibilities being streamed into 3 simple categories. No matter how good or terrible i THINK certain things are, they're always not as good, or not as bad as i thought they will be.. and it's hard to breathe with the feeling of extremes closing in.. Like no matter where i turn, everything runs with that logic. So with that in mind, everyday is pretty much like all the others.. so how can i experience fluctuating emotions while holding that thought? No wonder the indifference. It's innate.
The routine-ness of the mundane happenings gets to me.. I need a place where i can experience liminality. and that's where i WILL BE soon. soon enough anyway.
A series of events happened lately.. which sadly, didnt seem to faze me..
Am just wondering just how much (more) time i am going to waste.. on all these stuff before i leap into the rat race..
And i seriously dunno just how much (more) indifferent i can get.. About everything.
Everything used to matter so much that even nothing matters. Now everything doesnt seem to matter so nothing matters at all. alright. and nothing seems to be the problem. yeah. nothing. and it's irritating that even when nothing matters, it still does. Maybe it's just me.
I think it's time for me to get away from all these clockwork stuff.. coz everywhere i turn, i see:
The good,
The bad, and
The ugly.
Situations with a million different possibilities being streamed into 3 simple categories. No matter how good or terrible i THINK certain things are, they're always not as good, or not as bad as i thought they will be.. and it's hard to breathe with the feeling of extremes closing in.. Like no matter where i turn, everything runs with that logic. So with that in mind, everyday is pretty much like all the others.. so how can i experience fluctuating emotions while holding that thought? No wonder the indifference. It's innate.
The routine-ness of the mundane happenings gets to me.. I need a place where i can experience liminality. and that's where i WILL BE soon. soon enough anyway.
November 29, 2007
It's the holidays.
No matter how things go, work is still work if i can't find a suitable place to channel my passion.
To happier things..
Ushered in the holidays and festive season with some good news.
I got my very first paycheck for this new part time work!
We'll be able to head down to pay the balance and get ready for the trip in a matter of days.
Arranged for a movie outing with a friend then I realised that my fav on-screen actor Josh is starring in 30 days of night. and the setting is in Alaska!
talk about coincidences..
Another typical day has passed. Just like that. I don't like any of the post-exams syndromes.
Doesn't feel like i just cleared my papers in a matter of hours.
Seems like i'm already halfway through the holidays.
The unanchored feeling. Exams give you a reason to work towards a common goal.
Like a dimming spotlight that fades into nothingness.
The emptiness after the papers, leaving the packing and clearing to the last possible moment. Just like fallen leaves rustling in the wind. directionless.
Exams make me feel good about myself.
I like having a goal to work towards.
A short-term goal that is within reach, regardless of the results.
A decision that you can make keeping in mind that there's no use running coz there's nowhere to escape to; and no use giving up thinking of the possibility to restart somewhere coz no one can really start anew. At least not for those who has one hand on the past.
Read this one-liner from an article:
The opposite of loneliness isn't company, it's return. A place to return.
See. We rely too much on the anchored feeling.
No matter how things go, work is still work if i can't find a suitable place to channel my passion.
To happier things..
Ushered in the holidays and festive season with some good news.
I got my very first paycheck for this new part time work!
We'll be able to head down to pay the balance and get ready for the trip in a matter of days.
Arranged for a movie outing with a friend then I realised that my fav on-screen actor Josh is starring in 30 days of night. and the setting is in Alaska!
talk about coincidences..
Another typical day has passed. Just like that. I don't like any of the post-exams syndromes.
Doesn't feel like i just cleared my papers in a matter of hours.
Seems like i'm already halfway through the holidays.
The unanchored feeling. Exams give you a reason to work towards a common goal.
Like a dimming spotlight that fades into nothingness.
The emptiness after the papers, leaving the packing and clearing to the last possible moment. Just like fallen leaves rustling in the wind. directionless.
Exams make me feel good about myself.
I like having a goal to work towards.
A short-term goal that is within reach, regardless of the results.
Read this one-liner from an article:
The opposite of loneliness isn't company, it's return. A place to return.
See. We rely too much on the anchored feeling.
November 21, 2007
The older we get, the more we learn to let go, or the more we should learn to hold on?
Like Tina's new blogskin. The header is:
Some of us think holding on makes us strong;
but sometimes it is letting go.
Have that in many of my entries. Holding on or letting go.
Haven't i mention that letting go has been one of my major weaknesses?
and recently I've been thinking if both are actually on the same side of the scales.
This study week marks yet another of the end of the semester period. Another phase in life i know I'll soon bid farewell to. Another left-to-fret-in-future problem regarding the semi-annual tuition loan.
Seems like besides enjoyment, studying is just one payment after another. Despite the fact that i am optimistic about the future, i still find that piece of paper rather worthless. At the end of it all, i might be pretty much the same as what i was. If it's not for the fortune of being born in a superficial society, i guess there will not be a need to do what i am doing and striving for.
My youngest sis will be getting her PSLE results tomorrow. Seriously, i kinda pity her. 10 years down the road she'll be where i am if everything goes smoothly and things will be vastly different compared to what i am experiencing while i will get my butt out of the warming track in a matter of months and head on into the rat race.
and i wonder just how long more it will be before i stop looking at life in the perspective of a gamer, in particular in the sense of a person playing Sims.
The other day i dreamt that i somehow know i am going to die with a friend behind the wheels on an upwards winding road. Then i refused to allow my thoughts to flow just the way it wanted to and forced the automobile to swerve. I managed to get out of the car alive. but wondered if that's the right thing to do.
If dreams are simulations for life's situations, i guess mine will never be an interesting and challenging one. After all, that's what the reset/restart button is for. To get the sense of accomplishment after conquering something, with the criteria of easy defeats before the victory is won.
I know I'm insane, coz i make no sense. But somehow it doesn't seem to matter in this place where logic doesn't count for anything. Maybe it's the pre-exam syndrome. Those times where energy is diverted to nonsensical issues instead of focusing on studies. Skilled procrastinator. we all are but the difference between you and me is that i practise on the ordinary stuff, A LOT.
Some of us think holding on makes us strong;
but sometimes it is letting go.
Have that in many of my entries. Holding on or letting go.
Haven't i mention that letting go has been one of my major weaknesses?
and recently I've been thinking if both are actually on the same side of the scales.
This study week marks yet another of the end of the semester period. Another phase in life i know I'll soon bid farewell to. Another left-to-fret-in-future problem regarding the semi-annual tuition loan.
Seems like besides enjoyment, studying is just one payment after another. Despite the fact that i am optimistic about the future, i still find that piece of paper rather worthless. At the end of it all, i might be pretty much the same as what i was. If it's not for the fortune of being born in a superficial society, i guess there will not be a need to do what i am doing and striving for.
My youngest sis will be getting her PSLE results tomorrow. Seriously, i kinda pity her. 10 years down the road she'll be where i am if everything goes smoothly and things will be vastly different compared to what i am experiencing while i will get my butt out of the warming track in a matter of months and head on into the rat race.
and i wonder just how long more it will be before i stop looking at life in the perspective of a gamer, in particular in the sense of a person playing Sims.
The other day i dreamt that i somehow know i am going to die with a friend behind the wheels on an upwards winding road. Then i refused to allow my thoughts to flow just the way it wanted to and forced the automobile to swerve. I managed to get out of the car alive. but wondered if that's the right thing to do.
If dreams are simulations for life's situations, i guess mine will never be an interesting and challenging one. After all, that's what the reset/restart button is for. To get the sense of accomplishment after conquering something, with the criteria of easy defeats before the victory is won.
I know I'm insane, coz i make no sense. But somehow it doesn't seem to matter in this place where logic doesn't count for anything. Maybe it's the pre-exam syndrome. Those times where energy is diverted to nonsensical issues instead of focusing on studies. Skilled procrastinator. we all are but the difference between you and me is that i practise on the ordinary stuff, A LOT.
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