Training phase

I know it is the right one when your mind doesn't work the way it used to work when you feel undervalued and unappreciated.

I know that if everything goes well, the pot of gold will be at the end of my rainbow for sure.
... And in the event that I screw up, the cause-and-effect theory ain't too hard to swallow either.

Plus performance to reward keeps the motivation going.. So I do not foresee how this will end up like the hospitality sector where one sits by thinking your department is the ONLY one bringing in the revenue..

Maybe I'm wrong. But let me be mistaken till 2012.

To the one staying above, THANKS.

------------------------------

Commencement this Sunday. I can hardly believe I've finished running around the track and have reached the finishing line. I have yet to feel the effect of stumbling head on into the rat race. Today I met a uni friend at Kovan MRT. She's currently hired at some investment banking company as an intern drawing an INTERN pay of $1500 per month. like WTF. seriously... all other interns earn like 700 bucks. those at auditing firms take 600. but well, that's where the money lies huh.. so I guess somehow I must tell myself that between money and passion, I CHOSE somewhere in between. Of course all must be aware that the scale is ALWAYS tipped to one end. ^.-

She posed the question: How does working full-time feels like?

Somehow I was truly lost for words. Somehow the situation has yet to hit full blast. I am still sort of strolling and admiring the flowers before someone throws a pail of dirty water at the walkway, and screams at me to get off their yard. yes. not that yet. Maybe that's why I can only properly evaluate the situation half a year from now, then a year from now, 2 years from now, and right after the bond. By then I should look like 30 with wrinkles and crowfeet. yep. Maybe.

Slowing down the ageing process. Maybe all we're seeking is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, regardless of one's wealth. All we're looking forward to is to be more stable, more secure, more dependable. yes, on ourselves. The HOPE for a BETTER tomorrow, no matter how contented we are. For if we can have more of one commodity, why would we want to settle for less? Yes, I'm starting to think that my mind works more like an economist than not.

For the many more 12-hr ++ shifts that I will be enduring for my coming days, wish me all the best.
thanks

and check out dilbert comic strips on the left!

I was browsing uob website and found out that you can personalize some of the supplementary cards with a sign off at the top right hand corner.

ok, how cool is that?! I find that nice. Imagine (just imagine) mom's face when you give her the usual birthday card every year. She receives it with the usual smile and proceeds to open the envelop which holds that card, to find a personalized supp card for all her spending. =)
or your sis's 21st bdae, you handed her a card and she gives you this *chey cheapskate give me hallmark/blue mountain's card only* look. Then 10 minutes later you'll hear her telling her friends about how she got this new supp card as a birthday present. For someone who isn't working or does not have the ability to, yep. that should be a big deal. It's not so much of the ability to spend without or outside of your limits, for the giver will surely know and expect you to be in control before you're being presented with the card. BUT it's the trust and nice personalized touch that one is giving, not so much the value of the gift.

so now maybe the banks can start thinking of ways to charge for people to personalise their cards. I know it's already available for cashcard and ezlinks..

okay.. random stuff.. I'll be meeting the odin peeps tmr.. it's been so so long since i last met up with them. Like before i left for korea. Like before everything happened.

and i'm starting work soon.
Being financially stable is very important to me as an individual, and i'm really looking forward to that. I know it won't be like the usual part-time days when you look forward to payday at the end of the month just so you can buy something that you've been aiming for awhile. I know i'll very much still be looking forward to payday every month, but on top of that comes a great many other opportunities that will be available to me once the money comes rolling in.. and other responsibilities assumed by default.

dreading the commitment, yet looking forward to it. it seems like I'm standing at the shoreline with the waves crashing around my feet, advancing and retreating, advancing and retreating...

Happiness can be so so simple...

if everyone overlooks the fact that money is the root of all evil~

Looking at those happy faces on social networking webbies.. and u'll realise that 90% of those pictures posted were those that are exchanged with Yusof Ishaks, somehow or another.

Be it at a restaurant, outings with friends (which include some kind of activities/ food = money), flowers, cakes, new material goods etc... all those damn tangibles that are much sought after.

=(


so we know that money cannot BUY happiness.. but in order to be happy, pls hand me those vitamin 'M's..... i need them for survival. and ultimately how happy u are depends on how contented you are with ur current situation.. and one can only start to think of needs other than physiological ones when the most basic ones are met, which all boils down to the availability of kaching in ur bank..

eton mess~

yeah!

I need fruit flo, the big one, with extra berries.

Tired of the marathon even at the starting point.

and currently, it feels as if I'm waiting for the gunfire at the ready, get set, go mark.

How do i explain to others how I am feeling right now?

When given the time

Instead of chasing after some absurd or even impractical dreams, I chose what most people do - watching the days go by and not knowing which day of the week it is.

We are all attached to the anchored, secured feeling. So when faced with prolong periods of rest, the sense of restlessness come into play. Time, then, display the stark contrast between now and anytime elsewhere. Day in day out waiting for something different, something that makes my life worthwhile at the end of my time where I can look back and go in peace knowing that out of the billions of people walking on Earth, I am me and have not lived my life like a puppet on string listening and following what the rest of the world is doing, what other people believed to be the right way to do things. Rather, MY way of doing things.

Consciously or subconsciously comparing everything with everyone else. Tiring chore. Comparing grades, material goods, sportsmanship, talents, abilities, friends, partners, the makeup on my face, the shoes on my feet, the books i am reading, the games i play, what i do in my free time, the amount of money i have in the bank, where i've been, the people around me, how i treat other people, how i this, how i that, and in later part of life, my job, my family, how i raise my kids, how i fare as an adult and most of all how i carry all that judgments all my life. It's a chore knowing that nothing matters as much as how I see myself but conformance is a disease, for it brings joy- to those who managed to extract a sense of superiority over the rest, and comfort (if they fail)- as they are with the majority.

Finding meaning, real meaning. Giving up everything, campaigning for AIDS all over the world trying to make a difference? Implementing changes to save the Earth? or just making oneself feel better by retaining what one has now and making small changes? Support the ribbon campaigns, donate money for that is what humans are less likely to part with given a comfortable lifestyle and not wanting to make major changes to their lives while trying to make themselves feel like they've tried their best in making a difference..

Just like passion, sometimes one has to keep reminding oneself that only money rule this world now, not those intangible feelings that are unanchored to anything else. and for that, we are all slaves. somehow or another.


Maybe it's just me. but given the time to be paranoid is not healthy, at all.

The things we do- for memories are selectively retained

Took time to browse through the pictures I took in Seoul, and the memories just came back like I was there yesterday.

The school, CJ House, and out... The many a gatherings and outings and celebrations and drinking sessions... the times when there was zilch responsibilities and absolute freedom to do what your heart tells you to do, and not what your mind says you should be doing. The genuine happy smiles frozen in a place that transcends time and space. the random crazy ideas we had, the happiness and nil restrictions that we all seek.. the almost trouble-free lifestyle, living in absolute comfort and ease. all those gone with the wind once we step on board the journey home. I see the face i see everyday in the mirror being captured in pictures by friends with expressions I never thought i have, and can never replicate in front of a camera now.

The decision to put pressure on the camera shuttle is a consideration of a split second. any later the photo would not turn out the way it is, but before that lies the opportunity to be at the right place at the right time.

i love this ad

I traveled around New Zealand in a Spaceship named Alien and gen 1 Mazda convertible.
It was a thoroughly relaxing trip that tempts me to consider moving out of the sunny island in search for a lifestyle with slower tempo.


and yep. Singapore is only the size of LAKE Taupo.
We did Zorb, 4WD, went to see the thermal pools and had a dip in the mud pool, kayaking Milford Sound etc... too bad the Fox glacier hike got cancelled due to bad weather. =(
I like Top10 holiday parks for the cosy accommodation and splendid kitchen. I like traveling around in a car-pervan. I enjoy seeing rainbows everyday (almost) and taking in greenland as wide as my eyes can see and the beautiful sceneries that one can never view back home.

Going away makes all the difference. Liminality. The space between two familiar phases that seems like an entirely different zone. Now that i'm back typing this in my room looking out of the window (only to see the windows of my neighbours and the sun glaring) makes me feel as if i've nevr been away at all.

I've freedom for one more month, and all i want to do is to go away in search of more time alone.
Sipping lattes or flat whites in a cosy cafe lost in thoughts and the feeling of euphoria when the sun beats on your back while the winter air envelop you. going extremes and feeling like there's nothing between you and everything else. Maybe i do have claustrophobia, living in a city state.

FINALLY

i'm just me. don't say that i a bit a bit then like this or a bit a bit like that.

I get very defensive when people raise their voices, and i am extremely sensitive to tone variations in conversations.

walking along the swaying scales it's hard to find a balance, and i find myself being affected easily when it tends towards one side or the other.

if it affects u, go chill~

perfect weekend. ^^

Went clay pigeon shooting at bukit timah gun club clay target range on friday.
It reminded me much of the days i did rifle, pistol and archery.. Just that this time round, my targets were moving. the recoil, the sound/visual of the targets splitting, the weight of the shotgun etc.. the activity makes me feel good about myself, plus exceeding my own expectations make me happy, but i suppose that applies to everyone. and hearing compliments every now and then aids in sound mental well-being. =)

Went pit biking in malaysia yesterday, i've always wanted a class 2 license for like forever and this sort of make up for not being able/ giving up on 2B. Dirt biking in the plantation areas climbing slopes so steep that i never even though i'll be able to on foot and riding around at levels so high i know i'll break a bone or two if i fall.. and thoroughly enjoying the thrill of losing control. it would've been perfect if only the glove lining didnt slice my skin open. damn it. and every time i pull the clutch the material bites.

the pineapple made up for the warm day outdoor. and it was just a pity we didnt continue into the afternoon, if not someone could've had more fun.. =) next time we go try the atv~!! woosh!! then we can go at even faster speed without the feeling of the bike vibrating so hard it seems as though the oil tank is going to explode under the hot sun. lolx..

and finally i got to eat the seafood lunch!!! and the massage was definitely value for money!
the dvds we bought is enough to last us a good couple of months too.. ^^

i was so exhausted that i slept right through sunday.. this weekend i've had so much fun in a semester put together. Maybe coz all i have left for my education life is a paper on saturday. plus going back to jogging helps in stress management. sorry if i snapped a time too many recently. and thank you~ i had a lot a lot of fun. =)

Somehow keeping this blog seems like a torture recently.
I no longer find joy in sharing what I think, regardless of whether the stuff makes sense or not.
I find myself staring at the create post page blankly for goodness know how long till I know I've sat out the intense moments. then I'll type in some lame words or another that means little.

I missed those reflective moments where my thoughts go in a million directions and I spent some quality time alone communicating with myself and find out what I need and want in a particular period. I am happy when I managed to understand and love myself better every time I go through the routine memory un-cluttering process. and continue learning from myself when i look back and see it in words how i felt and reacted when i was younger, all my fears, confusion and immaturity.

Just ignore me. Some days things just hit from nowhere. Then one looks back and only realised that you've made a loop and is about at the ending point. and what's scary is not completing the race, but knowing that the ending point is right where the next starting point will be. damn!
and performance in one lap isnt going to help you win the race.

ARGH

Need to find a way out of this ridiculous period.

Most unbearable time of the year.

PMS.

Presentation.

Report.

Exam.

Rat race.

some days i can't stop the scales from tipping

I'm still suspecting the symptoms..

TWO weeks of school plus one exam before i get my ticket to the rat race.

As usual, the week leading to hell week has nothing to contribute to my emotional well-being.

Need to seek the motive in motivation before things can get going.

and when that fails, fall back on heuristics to get things done.

One step at a time.

Maybe i don't have any.

I hear nothing of the best 5 qualities as of yet.

swaying scales

Been raining on off recently. Don't ask me why. I'm no weatherman.

-

I ran a few searches regarding my suspicions. and yes, ask no questions and i'll tell you no lies.

-

I guess certain things still holds its weight on the route to self-actualisation regardless of what i've said or done to convince myself.
And i'm beginning to feel that it is the trigger of the ripple effect.

-

Every situation seems insignificant on its own.
But somehow combining them brings about an exponential effect.

-

THE swaying scales.

Some days i dunno what to say anymore, or if anything matters.

Today i made the decision to terminate the account, yep. I felt like screaming i don't care but deep down i know i do.

that's life.

One step at a time. and i'm tired of all the things in line. i'm thinking of going fishing some day. just me, the pole, a good book, a stool and some nibbles. on a good day out.
or me, the rocking chair, a good book and a cup of tea on a rainy day.

somehow simplicity gets complicated with direct proportion to time. and i feel myself taking backward glances over and again. no wonder i was told i look sad. yep. forlorn i suppose.

can someone tell me my best 5 qualities to make my day?

Some friends reminded me that it's the start of week 9 today. as if i need any more reminders that the deadlines are fast approaching and i find myself procrastinating, as usual. like thanks.

somehow counting down the days doesnt seem half as bad if i'm looking at travel as the goal at the end of this period, not work. definitely not that.

Hate this characteristic of mine that can't follow what the norm is doing by sitting by and letting others do what they can while claiming ignorance. yes, i hate it with a PASSION.

and it is beginning to feel as if i set myself up for unhappiness.

that damn flaw.

All the excess heat, with nowhere to disperse, rises up to my brain and my head seems to be on the verge of exploding. okay, i am talking about my temper, not my brain.

I finally gotten down to sending the pictures that i promised Mike i'll send once my laptop is functioning. and that promise is like a good 2 months ago, a good 2 months ago when I'm comfortably enjoying the start of winter in Seoul.

I hate this feeling of looking back at the all smiley pictures in folders and thinking why i am still not contented after all the happy days that i've been through. I wonder why all happy stuffs seem so surreal and that i feel as if i've never even been away for the good part of last year. maybe that's how people in coma feel. The void that is almost non-existent.

Whatever!

and it doesnt help that the newspapers are full of travel promos that tell people to get away.
ARGH! I look at those and find it hard to convince myself that i'm still me despite all that has happened. Life in this practical place picks right off where i left it in the first place. and that irks me endless.

Giving thanks for the opportunities aplenty that never fail to present themselves should we have that bit of determination and courage. and the sad part is that everything balances. so with that brings the desire and greed to want more. The more one has, the more you're given; the more you'll expect, and the harder it is for one to feel contented. and that, is exactly how i feel now.

Current job market = :(
so i guess i should be grateful that i have a job.
Prof whatever's-his-name just mentioned in class this week that the org I am joining will most prob consider a pay cut, the 2nd ever in the firm's history. and he told us that the industry aint doing very well. negative 2% for last quarter and expected to fall this year. like thanks. so that means i can expect a decrease in expected income AND incentives when i jump head on into the rat race.

nothing seems to help nowadays. everything seems so bleak. and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

i'm starting to have jitters about the uncertainty in life after uni education. work-life aint so easy to strike a balance. and i aint confident that i'll able to handle work like how a mature adult should. or rather, i guess the older i get the more risk adverse i am.. and yep. i'm afraid of failures, even before i start making any mistakes. plus it's a pain to even have a scratch on that clean slate that i start out with.

forced to move on, reluctantly.

there's so many things i want to do in life, and so little time to achieve all of that. A hospitality degree in Switzerland costs 60k a year and living expenses a good 40k. If i have 100k to further my education in the hospitality industry, maybe i'll trade that for 10 more diplomas in various fields. ok. i think i'm able to do only 9 with 60k but that'll take me like 27 more years to complete my education. Maybe i can then be the 1st person who has 10 diplomas in the guinness book of records. then i suppose i'll be another step closer to self-actualisation according to Maslow.

for now, i'll just make the most of the rest of the 3 months as a student-student. and be glad that i have no one to account to besides myself.

Mental fatigue.

Somehow everything seems complicated, much more than when i left, now that i'm back.

Maybe it all boils down to the lack of utilisation.

samples. thx PL for the link.

http://www.fr3b.com/referral_program.php?referrer_token=ee134a6bbb274af6a2b766166e38b1eb

Some days the trail of thoughts that follows on board 151 drives me nuts. I just keep thinking of stuff that loops endlessly till my mind gets too tired and drift off.

Today was stuff on the additional year or years some people spent before entering the rat race.
I am a year behind some people in this aspect, but never consider that as a 'waste.' somehow once we hit polytechnic, age becomes this meaningless figure that is not attached to life. No one notices, and no one cares. We start on a clean slate, and it's just the same as uni. in fact, i feel very much disgusted with myself letting my thoughts run on the batch of poly yr ones born in the year 92 which seemingly make me seem like some old hag left forgotten at the end of the world. It's a stupid random thought and i couldnt help but felt irritated.

Sadly today was just one of those days that i loathe the journey to school and back. The scorching sun that glares through the tinted glass no matter which side i choose to sit, the rumbling of the bus with the stupid engine burning the soles of my feet, the jerking movement that never fail to start and end with this sound that seems as if something is steaming and going to boil over, the sickening feeling of being stuck in a traffic jam during peak hours and the lack of adequate personal space for the long journey side, front and back, on top of many others.

and i'm glad some days i have it easy.

I keep wanting to stay at home and lax the days away.

Ever since I'm back from korea, I don't recall being among the crowds save for xmas eve. Even then we were seated very comfortable in a quiet restaurant AWAY from people milling about doing last minute shopping.

Somehow the trip seemed so surreal, it's as if I've never been away in the first place. and the only way i can convince myself that I indeed spent a good 100 days away from home in a foreign land with peers that I'll treasure and memories that I'll hold dear for a lifetime is the pictures I snapped. But that too, risks being taken away from me forever as my laptop crashed (yes, sadly) the second last week prior to returning and is currently in ICU and my data has a possibility of being erased forever. If those are gone, I shall have to bid farewell to the pictures of Tok, Fairbanks, Anchorage, Seaward, Vegas and Seattle. the best part? I was the unofficial photographer of our WAT trip and I have yet to pass the pics to Pam & Jo.

Right now i missed wrapping myself up in warm clothing and sipping latte not minding the time ticking by and talking about random stuff. I miss Seoul, and all the more i miss everyone. =(

This Christmas I stayed at home popping pills, sleeping, and wondering when I'll get better.

Merry Christmas peeps.

and in case you're thinking... yes I'm back.

Seven

Seven is one of my fav nos, and that is exactly the number of days left in Seoul.

I'm missing someone terribly this season.

I've drank at least 10 cups of latte in the past 3 weeks from various cafes, so much so that I think i'm addicted to caffeine. It snowed heavily last night and we were out happily enjoying the weather. This guy saw the 4 of us looking so damn excited and he asked "Is this the first time you've seen snow?" and when our replies were unanimously positive, his second qn "Are you all from SINGAPORE?" muahaha..

I enjoy the snowing process but dislike the slippery floor and the weather condition the day after. I slided to school this morning feeling like I'm skating with shoes and that any uphill is going to kill
me just the same as a downslope. Thank God I survived. and Thank God for skype.

The constant negative temperature makes me a little emo lately.
Flurries outside my window with the sun glaring far behind, comfort music from the 90s playing softly from my laptop and the consistent engine rumbling of the heater make time go at half the rate it is supposed to. and when your world slows down, somehow everything gets magnifies and clear as keanu reeves avoiding the bullets in matrix.

I think it might be the numbing of ones senses thanks to winter and partly coz I've 2 weeks more of freedom and total independent (well, besides social support from KU khakis) left before i depart taking with me the good memories of this trip, that makes me so sensitive to my surroundings. Or maybe it's simply cause the year is coming to an end.

I'm missing my sunny island. the place where I know I'd want to return even if I have the chance to go to the moon. Like i mentioned before, you'll know where you're supposed to be cause nationality is based on where your heart belongs and not where your body happened to be born.

I think there's a need to keep reminding myself that 2008 has been a great year, much better than what i could have hoped for, ever. There is a need to reinforce the positivity so that I don't get too comfortable with all that i have and forget about giving thanks for all that I've received.

and right now i want to survive the cool winter in Seoul and return to the summer in Singapore.

i think it's the weather, loose leaves circling on uneven floor and eventually being blown away with the dust into the distance, i'm missing home so badly.

Looking at msn weather forecasts for Seoul, SG and Tok, I suddenly miss SG endless rainy season a lot. A LOT.

This blog is almost dead.

Been more than 3 months since i left my sunny island, and barely 3 weeks till my return.
Drifting, drifting drifting knowing that one day i'll return to shore.
Minimal worries about whether my bank acc will hit rock bottom compared to Singapore.
Back home there's always this constant voice telling me not to slack and wait for my bum to become as round as my face and to fully utilise my free time for the acquirement of yusok ishaks so much so that i think my brain has got a mind of its own.
Over here there's absolutely nothing to worry, for i know everything is temporary.

It feels real good to spend money knowing that u'll never have to consider the item in terms of the number of hours you have to exchange for it. it's pretty cool that the people here are so environmentally conscious that u shldnt expect a plastic bag for ur purchases if you are carrying a bag or ur hands are free and that u have to pay for plastic bags in SUPERMARKETS (or at least home plus!) when their streets are lined with trash every night and people spit everywhere. it's amazing how they can smoke then just spat in whatever direction its convenient, especially in the direction of the wind.

I think there's a point in time when u cant help but wonder if u're slowing losing your own culture in the midst of adapting to another. Somedays i'll forget how local food tastes like when i'm having dinner at some restaurant with my friends asking for second helpings and i help myself to tissue on the table like that's what i normally do. i guess when i go back home i'll grumble about the lack of 물 하고휴지 in eateries. and walking along the streets avoiding portholes. i suppose singapore has such an excellent infrastructure that everywhere is accessible and user-friendly. i'll miss seeing girlpower everywhere with horrendously high heels and super mini bottoms at a temperature lower than 5 degrees C. i'll miss seeing hordes of high school girls looking like twins walking hand in hand in a row with their booming voices that can be heard two streets away.
i'll miss the expression on the ahjuumas' faces when we settle our bills telling them "아주맜있어요!!" walking alongside people embracing another culture. and the sad part is that everything is bound to go away for i am but a person trying to fit into another culture, like oil in water.

The average temperature that i am withstanding outside is like a freaking -4 degrees C.

Caught a conversation between two exchange students at the shuttle bus stop today.
One of them was saying how she really feel for all the students from tropical countries.. and she named a few which i barely rmbr except for Hong Kong. the other person then added something about never getting to experience this transition at our home countries. and yes, Ms. A then suddenly thought of MY sunny island. she said "oh yes, and SINGAPORE!" or maybe it was 'especially Singapore.' i was frozen on the spot trying not to move lest the wind gets into the jacket. Ms. A then said that for her she's quite used to it so she just needed to decide whether "it's cold" so "i need to wear a cap." yeah. for poor sunny islanders we need to check the weather forecast like ten times a day just to see if we should wrap ourselves up like a penguin before we step out of the room.

it is THAT bad. Last night it was -4 degrees C too, but msn weather forecast predicted it felt like -10. and our dearest Mabel and Jackson actually ate ice-cream with gloves on. this is the coldest i've experienced and just when i thought i can survive this, Jackson met Mr. Vomit today and that Korean was telling him that it's going to get EVEN colder. like thanks. now all my optimism got blown away with the cold wind.

lucky for us the weather is going to be slightly warmer for the next few days. i think i'm going to stay in this weekend.

Was on the topic of superficiality with Lynn on the way back from a supposedly fun and amusing place thinking about how shallow MOST people are- and that includes me i suppose.

As mentioned only about ten times in my previous entries, i'm tired of the weightage that so many others put on a piece of flimsy paper that may or may not be worth the investment at the end of the day. Most of the time it's just a visa in the passport. yes. for short term entry.

I can't remember exactly how it started or whether it even has an ending. all i know is that the journey is still the most important throughout.

rubbish

The KUBS scholarship is in, finally.

Publish Post

That means shopping, and the rate of reducing moolah.

Aint sure if i will be able to keep up with the no need to think thrice or a million times before buying rule. and whether my bank account can sustain my buying behaviour this season.

Can't get the cadbury song out of my mind recently.. the 'wouldn't it be nice' advertisement. yep, wouldnt it be nice if i have... ... ... but so far i'm thankful for all that i've gotten.. so forget about those if-onlys and should-have-beens..

Went to this famous samgyetang restaurant at Tosokchon today with a buddy of Mabel's boyfriend's friend who was here on exchange last fall. sometimes quality of food is directly proportionate to the ka ching at the end of the meal. a nice change compared to the usual cosy homey relatively cheaper restaurants. tonic for the cold weather, something that warms the heart.. ginseng in actual fact.

a million things to do in 3 weeks and none accomplished. like how efficient can i be when i have all my weekends packed in addition to the outings on weekdays? this week i've been out 4 days out of 5 and will be going jalan-jalaning tomorrow before the hair appointment and we're going nami island on Sunday. partly because it's the place where winter sonata was filmed, but personally it's the longing to see an island in autumn where the leaves are falling. cycling around the place with the loose leaves ruffling below when the wheels go round and round. having great company and laughing in the wind. i guess that's as close as i can get to a fairytale? reminds me of the film what dreams may come. if only everything is so magical.

Right now i am a little irritated with the stupid heater which switches off every 5-10 mins or so after blowing warm air coz the organisation is extremely environmentally conscious and wants to save the earth! (as if! more like save electricity coz heating is expensive.) so when it's like 6 degrees c outside the freaking heater suka suka on and then off so tell me who would want to get out of bed like 50 times a night to RE-on the heater? smart move. i wont. for i can snuggle under that not-so-warm but can-still-make-it blanket and hug my bolster tight. yep. that's how i get through the night. and i foresee that the heater utilisation time wont increase anytime soon. time to get a quilt?

Happy Birthday Lynn!!

When i was her age, i thought everything was impossible. At least unachievable within a short time frame. Looking back at the past year, it's amazing how the-journey-of-a-thousand-miles-begins-with-a-single-step makes all the difference.

and at the same time feeling how easy it is for everything to go away.

Late entry

Should have blogged the Wednesday the week after my birthday. But then there's mid-terms (out of which i missed one module's exam) followed by the Jeju trip right after. After coming back there's just tons of things to do like laundry, interim report and uploading of pictures which took forever.

Rewinding back to the time just after my last entry, i went to bed just before dawn thinking that nothing in the world can stop me from indulging the entire Saturday doing whatever that pleases me and then start revising for my papers. i dragged myself out of bed before noon feeling that it's going to be just like any normal day. then WH called to ask me to pass her chocolate biscuits which she left with us the night before so she could have it for lunch. i went to our usual meeting place looking like a walking zombie- sleepy eyes, super messy hair and damn cui sleeping attire.. rang her doorbell but the intercom refuses to connect to her suite. our dear PL called from the 5th flr and asked what i was doing upstairs coz WH is at the 4th flr. seriously i didnt suspect a thing. and yes i got the biggest surprise i could ever ask for in my life.

you know the kind of lightheaded-ness shortly after you wake up and certain things happen that makes you wonder if you're still dreaming. yes, i've been there. and he still asked why i asked 'why are you here'.. someone told me he got a company retreat till saturday mid-day. hur hur.. but nonetheless it should be clear how happy i was. right? ^.^

The rest of the surprise i shall leave out. For those moments are mine to keep. ^_^

The double 2 club

I turned 22 in Seoul. Despite it being my very first birthday overseas, the presence of friends who took time off to celebrate with me makes this an extremely memorable affair and all of a sudden anam-dong feels like a home away from home. We first went to this cheena restaurant with red lanterns and had a scrumptious dinner. Martin sang me a German birthday song (sweet lyrics! and thanks to him for the translation), Tien Kwan sang me half a Cantonese birthday song plus the zoo version, Xiang Feng sang me a chinese one together with China national anthem (thanks to Jean's prompting), Samuel sang me a liang po po hokkien song (the local flavour! brought a piece of Singapore to me), and the rest managed half a korean birthday song on top of the normal happy birthday song. on top of that, Jean got someone she knows to speak to me over the phone in dialect (cant rmbr whether it's hokkien or teochew) wishing me happy birthday and yes. i had a conversation with a stranger in DIALECT, on the eve of my birthday, in a chinese restaurant, IN KOREA!

All these remind me of the phrase “在家靠父母，出外靠朋友。”
I'm so glad we met here, thousands of miles away from our hometown.
Somehow on my 22nd birthday i feel so much more mature compared to when i was 21. I wonder if it's the experiences i accumulated through these 12 months, or that being on foreign land makes me more independent henceforth more sensitive to my surroundings. or maybe it's simply because everything is unexpected. like we were all having so so so much fun that i almost forgotten that it was going to be my birthday in a couple of hours. like living in the moment, for the moment. it's like a huge huge bonding session with people from all over, people that I never thought i'd meet 2 months ago.

We proceeded to Star Beer to chill after dinner. Aishah brought paris hilton along and we sat there trying to get other people high. 6 litres of beer plus peach soju as well as normal soju. chatting about everything and anything while trying to get our faces into every single photo. that was really really fun. After drinks we headed over to Lev's birthday party at another pub. His was another grand affair with lots of international students, mainly from Europe.. The finale of the day was 노래방. we were practically screaming throughout the hour, with the tambourines ringing plus aishah and kian hong dancing in front and the rest crazily laughing at the back..

I came back to find my besties' video clips in youtube. I can imagine them recording that in vivo with people staring. Hey girls.. i want that cake k!! thanks for the surprise.. =) though i don't really understand the part about the card and open-in-sequence thingy that QY mentioned.. lolx.. i suppose the postman must have lost his way somehow coz there's no card.. will check the postbox tomorrow.. =) thanks for the birthday song girls! and the yummy looking cake that i didnt get to eat!! =(

My dad called my cell on his way back from work asking me how everything was and wishing me many happy returns of the day. It was really unexpected so i was really really glad.. and my phone bill prolly will hit its all time peak next month.

Birthday has never been a yearly event for celebration but if i can reflect on all the above mentioned and feel such joy and happiness from the deepest of my heart, i think it is indeed special.

For all the friends that has walked with me and are walking along me, THANK YOU.

To Mummy, a bigger THANK YOU! for all that you've done as well as the moment in time we shared 22 years ago. I LOVE YOU!! ^.^

With this i put a stop to my fourth 18th birthday and embark on a new journey seeking the number 23.

About this period in time every year, the voice inside my mind will surface. And as the years go, the voice gets louder and i get extremely sensitive to my existence. Like questioning who i am, what i want and whether i am on the right track. As far as i am concern, i'm all good and set for whatever that comes. But as with all things invisible, there's always a desire to quantify and tangibalise.

Reward for good behaviour measured against amount of money spent on materialistic stuff that actually doesnt really matter but serve it's purpose simply because of the level of difficulty in obtaining it.

This season i thought up a list of wants as proof to myself that i'm just like any other people.
I want to get the twin stars that i lost a couple of months back.
I want a new timekeeper to remind myself that life is short.
I want/ need to replace my tool of communication though i'm kinda sad that it's plague with sickness and almost impossible for regular functions.
I want to obtain a new purse for this is something of years ago and looked as if it's been through many catfights.

Things that i know i can jolly well live without. but somehow at this point in time it seems appropriate for a change.

change. yes. it is the only constant.

the best gifts are those that make people smile.

Autumn is officially here, and all i want to say is 秋天别来~

The Japan trip is officially off, unless i struck lottery. that means the chance of me going to 일번is zilch. So we're changing strategy, in order to fulfill expectations with the minimal resources on hand, we're going to somewhere nearer to home. think Asia.

Was counting down the other day. It's only 81 more days till i return to the sunny island. This is my 6th week in Seoul and i am loving it. I love korean food, and i suppose everyone will agree that we'll do better with lower standard of living here. paying 6+ for a simple meal is the norm. i kind of miss the cheap $3/$4 hawker center food and the cheap cheap snacks back home.

i want mee goreng!

Personal request

I miss you

Tired, even after 12 hours of sleep. I suppose the fatigue comes from restlessness of being alone in a confined space with nothing much to do except access to the internet and a variety of snack supply.

Today I woke up with the feeling that time is elastic and i have the whole world to myself. I sat in front of my laptop and did the usual aimless clicks on streaming websites, watching shows that i've already seen and viewing the photos that we use to record our experiences. The sun was so glaring in the afternoon and it is always in this kind of setting that makes me feel so alone. like everything seems so insignificant & unanchored, and the world will continue revolving even if i'm not a part of it.

I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side. and being away from home makes me feel like a totally different person. i need a hug. and i want it now.

Recently there were moments where i forgotten that i'm on foreign land.
Life gets so comfortable that it didn't occur to me that in a matter of weeks, all these will go away as with WAT. Liminality. Maybe simply because it's the transition in between periods that make these kind of experiences special, yet distant.

Tok seemed like a quaint story i heard from a friend instead of the extreme lifestyle i've been through last month. and being surrounded by humans blabbering korean is sort of becoming a comfort. It's like gliding on water. Somehow embracing change is exhilarating. especially when you know there is no other way out.

In less than a month's time, i'll be a year older. In barely a year's time i've been through so much. the adventures that i never thought i'd seek and the opportunities that came knocking.. Living life to the fullest. yes. between doing and regretting and regretting not doing, i'll always choose the former.

Things always get better when we think them through logically, and refuse to let emotions rule.

It's my second week in Seoul, and as with all away-from-home experiences, this trip brings a whole lot of time-alone for reflections.

At Alaska Backpackers' Inn, Anchorage, i chanced upon this quote on the wall.

I am not the same having seen the moon from the other side of the world.

I guess being away from the familiarities makes one more grateful, no matter how thankful we might say we are.

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Started going to the gym this week, and hopefully over the weeks to come. Exercising makes me feel healthy and happy. I didnt turn on the TV in front of the machines (yes, they have a LCD TV attached to each treadmill AND bike with numerous channels selection!) today, for somehow the act of having nothing to distract makes the act of exercising more qualitative. Like time somehow became this void un-pegged to any timeline. Let's just hope i'll keep this up instead of going shopping at Insadong, Dongdaemun, Nandaemun or Myeong Dong.

5th day in Seoul.

The process of burning THE hole in my pocket is fast accelerating.

The standard of living here is high, even higher than the already-quite-expensive Singapore.

FYI, my mailing address is:
Room 533B CJ International House
Korea University
Anam-dong, Seongbuk-gu
Seoul 136-701
KOREA

Dormitory number: 82-2-3290-0213
hp:+82-10-5780-7319

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The school is so damn big, and castle-like. It takes me an average of 20 minutes to walk to school via the GENTLE-R slope way and another about 5 minutes to school, and about 15 minutes via the steep-until-highly-likely-to-sprain-ankle route, which is nearer to LG-POSCO (business school). It feels kind of weird to be in such artistically designed architecture that I don't feel like I'm coming here to study at all. Am still in the traveling mode, post-work mindset that i can spend money. Have bought most of what i needed, and the giant super mart is 5 bus stops away though it costs like SGD6 to get back to the hostel (it takes me an average of 15-20 minutes to walk from the subway station to the hostel)!! so all in all maybe never save alot.. lolx..

I foresee the need to stock up on cup noodles, snacks and ready-to-microwave food (coz there's only like 2 pans in the kitchenette i think).. and lots of beverage coz the THOUGHT of STROLLING down to the cafeteria just put me off my appetite. Seriously, there isnt even a need to exercise. i figured i burn away all my calories just by traveling to school, though by right i live on school property!!!!!!

Dun get me wrong, i am grateful to get a room here coz this place is suite-like. It's like a condo, minus the swimming pool. the communal bathroom and toilet is actually only shared among 2 rooms, which is like 3 people. lolx.. they even bothered to install those condo-like door viewer thingy that u can see the visitor's face from a screen inside and press the 'door open' button or talk to the perosn outside when the equipment is like within reach to the door and it aint noise-proof. lolx.. imagine the money they spent for nothing. it doesnt improve the quality of life for students at all. maybe they can invest in more pots and pans.. lolx.. The room is spacious, and we have aircon PLUS fan. the windows actually have mosquitoes net in case we need to air the room.. they have the same type of dustbin i use at home, and i can borrow vacuum and iron from the reception. yes. they have a reception desk with security guard AND an ATM right in the lobby.

The range of beauty products is beyond imagination. Girls, if u need anything from Korea, let me know..

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School starts officially on Monday. I am soooooo looking forward to it after the long summer vacation, after the slog-until-you-think-you're-almost-dead-then-stop time. I am so going to enjoy my time here shopping and eating, and not to mention study a bit.

Dont think i'll be posting stuff here. for updates, please refer to the picture-speaks-louder-than-words-site AKA facebook.

~bye~

I'll be leaving tonight. Alone.
Going away in search of a priceless experience and knowing that i can and will only become a better person after that.

Thank God for friends that i can count on in times of trouble. PL and KH don't know exactly how grateful i am for their help and advice on KU matters when i was in Tok. If you're reading this, THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! we'll have a fantastic time in Korea, and Japan if possible..

6 days zoomed past in the blink of an eye. I barely have enough time to bask in the sun before setting off yet again. My grandma made fish head curry specially for me and my aunt whipped out a feast just because i'm back. My relatives gathered so that they can see how much i changed (or not) then wish me all the best for yet another trip.

somehow i'm missing home even though i'm physically still here. I suppose i'm already prepared for this journey psychologically. now all it takes is for my body to follow where my mind should be in the next 4 months.

I'm back pple!! back where i belong!

It's weird that nothing much changes even though i've been away for more than a hundred days. Like everything that happened in the 3 months is kind of like living in liminality, such that it's as if I skipped through that phase and return to my original lifestyle. Like none of it has ever happened, like everything is sort of a dream, something that's unexplainably far away. Maybe that happened only because I'm back where i KNOW i belong.

There's no awkward silence between conversations, no weird moments where you don't seem to know how to react or what to say. Like i've always been here though i was away.
Chatting with my mom in the kitchen rambling on and on about happenings in my life, just like i did before the trip. Bickering with my siblings on the mundane happenings- nagging my sis to turn down her laptop volume so i can sleep and ordering kheng to stop staring at the monitor and go to bed, telling my bro not to come home too late if he's out for supper and reminding my dad not to drink so much before he sleeps etc.. It is indeed strange for me that barely a month ago i was so desperate to come home. Now i'm home, finally.

Now all i need to do is to gear up for Korea, and prepare myself to be away alone again for yet another 4 months.

A million things my mind cant seem to process in this cold weather. extended period of cold makes a person withdrawn and a little depressed. Like the sun has gone into hiding and there's nth much in the atmosphere to bring smiles. it's constantly been about 7 degrees AND the constant drizzle and the wind condition add a whole load to the numbness on my skin. I look forward to morning everyday (okay, these days when i dun have to work) just so i can switch on my laptop and skype. Like no matter how unbearable things seem to be getting, it's just going to get better. it can only get better.

Just 12 more days till i return to my fav place in the entire world. back to the familiarities that i long so often, and into the arms of the one that i've been missing so dearly.

13 working days left and I'm missing sunny Singpore. The other day i caught myself humming the songs we sing come national day. Then i realised how much i miss home.

We celebrated Christmas in July this week and last night we went around the rooms distributing hot chocolate with baileys and kahlua as a touch of festive cheer with a dressed up pixie holding a portable CD player with xmas songs blasting. The three pigs tagged along and simply need to smile when the door opened and say happy holidays and merry xmas to those guests who obviously get rather excited seeing a crowd in Tok. Yes, a crowd in Tok is rare.

It got me thinking. I'll be back for Christmas this year. Seems like i'll still be in time to end off the year and get ready to start off the next at home. not at some faraway land where i don't belong.

Come August come. Can't wait much longer.

accummulated entries

Decided to upload something here instead of the shared blog which we apply the rule a-picture-speaks-a-thousand-words kinda theory. the posts that i've accummulated in the past few weeks.

16 July, AK time. 12.15am

Couldn’t get to sleep tonight. I must have over-rested today (if there’s even such a word). Woke up exceptionally early today with the excuse that I want to eat breakfast so that the girls will wake me up no matter what (or at least try their best). The motive behind that was as simple as to make sure that I’m up and about by 8 to make a phone call. The internet was down yesterday and I was worried that I couldn’t get in touch via skype, msn or phone call (My US calling card has a 1 minute talktime!)

And boy, wasn’t the 2 of them surprised when I could drag myself out of bed after sleeping like 3 hours and still look awake and not complaining that it’s cold.

Happy Happy Birthday!

I KO-ed at 10, totally zonked out and not even remembering to drink swiss miss. Drifted in and out of sleep with Ditty and Jena talking outside. Was in a dazed when I FINALLY woke up at 4.15pm. the amazing thing is, I dozed off right after dinner while waiting for Jo to finish using the internet. Like thanks! How much of a pig I can be.

I’ve never looked forward to a full day of slacking as much as today. You have no idea how much just lazing around as taken a whole new meaning with the crazy workload we sort of innocently drag ourselves down with. I’ve no idea I am and can be that hardworking. To me, 10-12 hours shifts are manageable given that I have ample rest AND that the work is relatively easy. It never crossed my mind that spending 17-18 hours of my waking moment in a day for work is feasible at all, and manual work at that. That is, before I even know Tok exists.

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Work is beginning to take its toll, if it hasnt.
Making beds has scale new heights and will never be the same again.
Been thinking that all these while all I wanted was a change. Some out of the ordinary adventure that enables me to test my limits and see how far I can go, alone.

We’re more than halfway through this journey.
It’s an experience which I doubt I’ll forget and it’s something I don’t mind going through again in a different way when I’m older. When I can travel comfortably onboard the cruises and come to Tok as a stopover destination, enjoying all that it has to offer.

This season, I got all that I wanted. I got this. THIS.
Someone put me in a place so inaccessible and unheard of I reckon only a handful of people in Singapore knows about it.
Someone up there IS testing my limits, for real, for He has been pushing me to my limits regarding extreme weather conditions and cuisines.
I’m going through what and how it feels like being the minority national and racial group. Back where I belong, I always stand with the people at the longest line.

Living independently was what I dreamt of when I was younger. I thought I knew about the downside of freedom and standing on my own feet. Now I know that there’re no loved ones to turn to when I am feeling down, no one to make decisions that are good for me and forces me to follow, no one that detects firsthand that I ain’t in the best condition. It’s so reassuring having family and friends around you that you know can and will reach out to you without second thought when you need help, and simply just be there for you, not ten thousand miles away. As the Chinese saying “yuan shui jiu bu liao jing huo” goes, it’s nice for them to be there, but they cant really help much due to the distance.

The other day I kept thinking of tourism sociology during work at snow shoe -the concept of people travelling. That thought kept running through my mind. People go away so that they can better appreciate what they have when they return. I too, believe we all go away in search of what we are too blinded to see when we are in our comfort zones. To be grateful for what we have and where we belong, or MORE thankful for all that we have. The opportunity to go away, the option that is free for us to choose. Seems like sometimes we go in search of freedom only to realise at the end of the day that we want to be where things seem to be restricted, where the start and the heart is- home. Everyone can live alone, I can too. But given a choice, I definitely don’t and won’t want to.

Have always thought of myself as someone independent and being able to take care of myself but when left alone, I go into this state of helplessness. Then I remember a particular point that Prof. Lim mentioned. Some concept on self helplessness, something about social support I think… This job gives me so much time to ponder that I am able to see the bigger picture and actually fit what I learnt into the mundane happenings. From what was taught in ops, about how JIT came about, the underlying concepts behind The Goal; what matters ultimately is to maximise the ENTIRE supply chain, and not simply maximising individual’s department because by focusing on the various departments the supply chain will NEVER be operating at its optimal. So when I was making beds, and hearing supervisor saying over the walkie to get us to go strip a particular room when we were doing something else and following their command will most certainly result in downtime of at least 10-15 minutes, I was shaking my head and thinking why don’t these people go back to school and learn through concepts that by doing what is logical ALL THE TIME does not necessarily means that they are always doing the right thing.

Not only that, I thought of concepts like JIT and RFID when inventory (the necessary evil) becomes a BIG issue on site. They have boxes of past years stock of products lying in the shed and taking up so much space, and they apply the FIFO method for inventory management. That means that every year, the establishment is simply utilising OLD OLD stock while placing orders for current year’s products. That means that no matter how long this place is going to be in business, they will always be using old stuff that never seem to run out. So I wonder if any of them has EVER been through college or even appropriate training. Don’t any of them know about writing off stuff that has little or no value to the organisation (especially the accounting department!!). and they actually do stock count at the end of the season for every single item they have, including pens! So what is RFID for huh? Plus I certainly have lots to say about their management skills. So I reckon none of them has been through management classes for they have absolutely no idea about human resource management, and that in THIS century people management is of utmost importance to every organisation. That is in addition to the fact that retaining and motivating staff should be the underlying goal (especially so for service sector) as it is the staff that provides the thing that they are selling and the thing that determines the quality of work produced. And haven they heard of Ron Kraufman -the service guru that mentioned that internal guests are as important or even more important as external guests? (and I learnt that in poly!) And being staff and internal customers of an organisation, shouldn’t we be treated with a little more respect and understanding? They must get it in their heads that this is not a factory that they’re running here. Operation is all about tackling the everyday challenges that does not run on clockwork. And that, is the beauty of ops. If they can’t see it, then sadly they will never enjoy this industry, and maybe they shouldn’t be here.

I’m so glad I have the chance to go through business communications to know more about dealing with people of other cultures. That there are people who live in other parts of the world and leading lifestyles that are vastly different and we have to be more sensitive, forgiving and understanding. That is what we all have to learn as the world gets smaller through globalisation. That is what people living in the nation where most other from the rest of the world thinks is THE superpower must start to be aware of. They’re lagging behind while the rest of the world catches up. Soon they’ll find themselves like frogs thinking that the sky is only as big as it looks from the bottom of the well.

We’re all not so different from one another. We live and we die. We go to places to start anew or find our pasts. We ponder lots and we stand by our beliefs. By chance (and choice) we end up meeting. As our paths crossed, shouldn’t we be kinder to one another? I think the world has enough misery to last a millennium and it’s a fact that I don’t plan to fly ten thousand miles here to be in a worse state than back home. For once I am sure that I will return a much better person. Let’s just wait and see.

July 5th 14:29 24th consecutive day
It’s my last day working at snow-shoe motel and as with all farewells, my mood plunges like never before. And the phone call in the morning certainly aids in the gloominess, so work didn’t really go as planned. I ended work early today, for things don’t seem to go right. I have no idea if Candy was irritated because we are leaving after joining them for such a short time or that the issue of requesting for someone to stand in for tomorrow frustrates her on top of that. Anyway, it doesn’t matter no more.

Have been waiting for mom and dad to call since the last conversation, which was like more than a week ago. I really dislike it when I waited, and waited, and waited and no call came. And I hate it when people get my hopes high then don’t deliver. I prefer the underpromise-overdeliver kinda situation and have always thought of the phrase “aim for the moon for at least you’ll land among the stars” bullshit. Aim low-ER so that the euphoria will be tons better if you scale expectations.

It doesn’t help that the internet connection is down for what seems like eternity and it felt (and still feels like) I lost contact with the rest of the world stuck in this place. My calling card is officially down to ONE miserable minute of talk time, which is approximately the time taken to connect the call and say “hello! Can you hear me? Hello? HELLO? Can call me back? My card is running out of minutes!” ARGH.
Being in such a place and feeling like that makes me claustrophobic. Like the world seems confine. MY world.

Anyway, back to the call from Mom and Dad, have been waiting for updates from them just to know that everyone’s fine and things are “as usual”. I don’t want to hear that something unexpected happen when I’m away. Call me selfish, but I want to be there for every single moment (good AND bad) and situation that happen. That’s what being family is for. Sharing moments. And I don’t want to miss any of it. Called them in the morning before work and got to know that they tried calling but cant seem to connect the call using calling cards. So dad used his cell phone and yep. The usual yadaa yadaa- which I find oddly comforting.

There’s always the moments after I hang up a call whereby I’ll just sit while the seconds tick by with thoughts and emotions suddenly gushing up from nowhere. I have no idea if that happens coz my mind cant process information (not fast enough anyway) when I’m listening or in a conversation so things happen in sonic speed during the silent aftermath. The same goes for today. I found myself staring into space with a million thoughts running through my mind at 8. The good thing is, chef Selvy made sunnyside up for bfast. It’s the FIRST whole egg I had in 2 months! And You have no idea how an egg can make me feel so much better just because it is one of the comfort food.

stuck @ Tok

I'm in Tok, but apparently they've never heard of unlimited internet.. so it's a monthly subscription thingy such that even single byte counts..

Anyway, the following is a blog my friends and i created, but doubt there'll be pics anytime soon coz of the limited byte thingy.. lolx..

http://stuckhere-tok.blogspot.com/

The Last Frontier

PJ in Alaska. Someone who is afraid of the cold living in one of the coldest cities in the world. Sounds like a joke.

The weather is getting colder i think. Or maybe I've just been hiding in the hotel room where there's entertainment AND heater. There's no fridge in the hotel room, which pretty much shows how cold their weather here is. We opened the window slightly, and placed milk and fruits on the ledge. and amazingly, that functions as well as a square box below the TV.

You cant possibly imagine how elated i am when we realised that internet access is available in-room, FOC. coz it was stated that not all guest rooms get free wireless coz some places it's not detectable. like wth.

The hours spent in Seattle was unforgettable. A reminder of how safe Singapore is. Amazingly, we spent like more than 17 hours in Seattle roaming the streets and slacking at the airport. It isnt so fun when we cant shop and the shops are closed and what's on the streets are those homeless, if not drunkards, or a clique of pple who looks like they don't have a decent job and aint schooling.

Anyway we arrived safe and sound in Fairbanks, where the days are much longer than the night. It looks like afternoon all day long and the darkest moments are those at 2-3am, navy blue sky. I find myself energetic, which is amazing. Like i've red bull with me all day long.

Wont be updating. Keep a lookout for photos in facebook peeps. Take care! i miss all of you!!

29-04-2008

29th April:

There's this sense of direction-less after MA paper today, like nothing i do will ever concern what I've learnt. As if two parallel lines will run into infinity. I'll cope with the helplessness and feeling of emptiness somehow. and this time round it's so much more bearable.

I'll be leaving next friday. In 10 days time i'll wave farewell to all that i love and embark on a journey with the return tix set for over a hundred days away. Somewhere where help is a phone call away, but different time zones. I suppose i'll get through it, but whether i'll spend a good many days thinking about the sunny singapore and its habitants i dunno.. but i suppose feeling cold AND alone makes any situation seems worse than it is, if it isn't so in the first place. aint going to trouble myself thinking of the what-ifs. coz i know that it's something i want to do, regardless of what happened or not along the way.

Living life the way i feel like in any point in time IS living life to the fullest. yes, and we can always believe in the better tomorrows if all else fails..

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm

Chanced upon Boon's blog.
He got this quote from Winston Churchill that says:

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm

I guess sometimes we all require quotes to keep the fire burning despite the pouring rain.. Need them on days where i feel down in the dumps.. Might not help much, but serve as a reminder.

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Last day at CQ.. Made a last minute sale that resulted in an additional $4 commission, on the last minute of the day where i'm supposed to say sayonara. Can't believe that it's already been half a year from the day i started out, and that soon i'll have to move out of hall back home and gear up for US. 15 weeks of staying in hall and a week or so more before i move out. As with every decision i made, the experience is vastly different compared to what I'd have done so given that i chose something else. and sometimes there is no option. no visible one at least, or that some other is so bright that it overshadows the rest.

so like what jess advised, what could be worse?
making a choice and regretting or regretting not making that choice?

In my case, there is nothing to argue for or against.
I've already stepped into the light, leaving the shadows behind.

There are things that I'd gladly shed tears for, even after seeing it repeated times. and yes, that applies to emails as well.

I suppose when you see the picture behind the words that are able to evoke emotions that you don't realise you are capable of possessing there and then, your mind releases itself of all the logics that is guarding our actions and do just what it wants.

BL is coming back today, for good. Back to the sunny island where we all call home, and where loved ones are just a stone's throw away. Back where one can seek help with the dial of a few numbers and garner social support as and when needed. Back, where we know we belong.

HOME --> NDP song

Fading =

This is not the first time. That primary school friend was one of those who remembers me as "the one who run very fast." Seriously i wonder how exactly i should react, think or feel. To a certain extent, I suppose letting people remember some kind of achievement is better than them saying stuff like "you're the crybaby," or "the one with the gundoo head," or even "the girl who always kanna detention." Then again, I can't exactly admit that I'm elated with people remembering stuff that they themselves don't recall. So maybe if they tell me the exact year and event, i might be thrilled due to the surprise.

Maybe it's jsut that i am disappointed with the applause that fades with the passing of time, and not so much about actually minding what others think of me.

Nothing is impossible

So soon we'll see cases of dehydration INDOORS. Like wth is wrong with this freaking weather?! With motivation at its trough, I'm so glad I'll be away for the summer.

ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH.

There goes. Feeling much better.

With the exams drawing near, I know that I'm one step away from living life in the liminal. Thrilled that it takes so little to experience a threshold, and a great one at such. The scene with everyone bowed in deep thoughts, in the same place, at the same time, for the same purpose, is something that I wish can be replicated somewhere else, many times over.

As with all other things that made me want to be someone that aint always with the majority, I guess the trip to Alaska somehow tangibalise what i desire. Hearing Wilson talked about disenchantment and enchantment of society and such, then complemented by the movie Big Fish, sparked off some thoughts that expanded in a million directions.

Maybe what I've been seeking is that out of the world, extraordinary stuff that can truly be experienced when you're not in your comfort zone. I don't mean that it's impossible to undergo such emotions in our mundane lives as I think we somehow always manages to seek magical moments despite everything remaining status quo. As the saying goes:

It's hardest to love the ordinary things, she said,
but you get lots of opportunities to practice.

The little things matter, but the impact is greater at times where situations render one helpless or made one think and feel in ways that is not like usual.

Sitting in the comfort of one's home, ready to venture to the other side of the world where everything is unfamiliar. Taking with me all the riches i have, venturing to the unknown searching for intangibles.

Been thinking. Fear? Maybe. But i figured it's high time I take some (more) risks. Staying on safe shores doesn't help much in building my navigation skills, and i can't set sight on the sea if i don't lose sight of the shore.

Getting away from dependent-independence. Learn to make it on my own. Making my own decisions, testing my limits. That way, I'll know for certain that i can definitely rely on myself if need be in future. As what my grandma had said, "The only person you can ever trust is yourself. Be the only one that is indispensable to yourself. " and with all the literature on how values are inculcated strongest in the young, I've come to accept that as the 'norm,' the 'right' way to behave. It doesn't matter that maybe some other ways are better, or IF the situation render some other behaviors appropriate. I do what i believe is based on MY principles. and if I'm doing what I think is right, it shouldn't bother any other.

Exams are coming, as with all the responsibilities that i know i'll have to face in the near future. The period of time in the entire year which i find intriguing, where things seem like fireworks in the sky or a Charlie Chaplin movie. Embracing all that life has to offer, NOW.

When judgment goes wrong and inaction speaks louder than action

When doing what seems right (appropriate) seems wrong, or not preferred.

Knowing what's right, and doing.

Been rather irresponsible lately, putting things off procrastinating.
Like how I've always been, like what I've always loathed.

Rationalising,.
Neutralising
Normalising.
Generalising
Minimising.

Walking along the scales, still.

Socializing newcomers into corrupt acts using cooptation, incrementalism and compromise practices

Cooptation= rewards used to induce change in attitude towards unethical behavs. subtle coz inds may nt realise how the rewards hav induced them to resolve ambiguity that pervades issues in a manner that suits their self-interests.

incrementalism= gradually introduced to corrupt acts. initially induced to perform something that is slightly deviant, then inds quickly grab at the available rationalisations offered by peers to reduce dissonance. Then as they come to accept the acts as normal, they are introduced to another more corrupt act, with the attendant rationalisations.

Compromise= Individuals back into corruption through attempts to resolve pressing dilemmas, role conflicts and other intractable problems.

newcomers are more likely to accept corrupt acts as justifiable if not desirable if they perceive that they choose their own curse of action.

----------------------------------------

Irritating. Selfish human nature.

Don't want to feel guilty. So push the blame to others. Make up lies to fake innocence.
YET want to be in control. Want to feel that they have a choice BUT if it's justifiable AND I'm-not-at-fault-someone-else-is mindset is/can be in place, i don't mind..

Option: Chop off my nose

A-Choo.

Don't like it when my eyes are forced to remain small due to non-stop sneezing, and not because i am lazy to open my eyes when i'm wearing specs.
Don't like it when my brain forgets how something smells like due to nose malfunction.
Don't like it when I kept waking up in the middle of the night due to lack of oxygen.

Slept with the air-condition on last night. That makes it a record 6 months of sleep with fresh air, the first night of this year with fake cool air throughout the night and i suppose my nose is procrastinating due to the lack of ventilation with the poor air circulation last night.

The poor sleep quality gives me a reason to want to head back to hall soon to catch up on sleep. Decided to wake up early and slack around since i cant sleep anyway. Then the sun got to glare in my face as i sit TRYING to read. like thanks.

So now i'm in a foul mood coz it's Sunday, the hot and humid weather makes me irritated, my body aint functioning well since my nose and eyes are not in their best condition. AND i cant do any work despite me (finally) wanting (needing) to.

Freedom is just another word for people to find out you're useless

I love Dilbert and his work-life comics.. they remind me that i'm sane.

Dad came to fetch me from hall... He looks every bit like the sole breadwinner of the family. Sole breadwinner of a family of 6, with 4 children still schooling and requiring yusof ishaks, loads.
Seeing him like that made me realize i have no valid reason to be tired and sleepy. i am not entitled to even FEEL tired. comparing my workload to his is liken to making mountain out of molehill. and the older i get, the more i think it's time for me to have my fair share of the Vitamin M weight.. Mom has been complaining of aches and such again.. There's this unspeakable pain that forces me to sit up and think, that maybe it's not so much that i'm grown up now. It's more of my parents getting older as i am growing up. and there will come a time when i need to and must be dependable enough (i really hope so)..

One more year. Just one more year.. One more year till i am ready to charge head on to the rat race and ensure that there's more than enough money to go around at home..

and this is the kind of period i dislike. Of the 'i-wish-i-were' and 'how-good-it'd-be-ifs' about being born rich, or as an only child. which i think are evil thoughts. How can I overlooked how fortunate i am when i just reinforced that thought in a matter of hours?

seems like i really need someone dependable to reassure, reinforce and remind me when my brain seems to be led by my emotions, and not-so-positive ones as such..

One most be exceptionally positive and accommodating to suit the position of a caregiver.

For the sick who is seeking attention, you need to take care of her needs AND display genuine concern, not displeasure. therefore what nurse lim did was great. He made her seemed like a princess, really. waited on her for all her ridiculous requests like asking for cold water every couple of minutes, served, on a rainy day that chilled my bones. while we stood around trying to keep out of the way and at a loss as to what to do next, he jokingly explained that she was just seeking attention. so no worries.. and maybe TCS can hire her as an artiste next time. that, is reassuring to a bunch of uni students who got no experience with whatever that happened.. and i am full of respect for caregivers. For their compassionate nature, never-say-never spirit and patience with patients.

Amazed at how some people can be so full of life and so passionate about their job. started thinking of why i cant be one of them. just when i got myself started on the spin off of negativity, i got this through one of the horoscope predictions in my email inbox.

Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. This is one of those times. Stop telling yourself you're not good enough to win someone's heart or talented enough to land a particular job. These subliminal messages will affect the public's view of you. If you're really down in the dumps, go to friends and relatives for an ego boost. Ask them to list your five best qualities and pin them up where you'll see them every day.

^.^ so maybe someone would like to start first. I need 5 best qualities yah.

Racing against time

Going steamrolling ahead till 29 April.

Have yet to find time to apologise and explain to Von AND Connie that i won't be working all the way till the end of exams, which by then I prolly wouldnt and couldnt be working due to preparations for Alaska, AND that i cant continue working AFTER i return as i need to fly off to Korea soon after. It's like no matter how i see it, i cant even convince myself that what i say is logical. How are they then able to find another part-timer in such a short time? that i've only been working for half a year then i'll be leaving? and it's not easy that another colleague is pregnant and will be taking leave for a couple of months, Von will be leaving her position for school if she gets in, and i wont be around to even help cover. The boss now needs to recruit 2 full-timer and one part-time staff, coz we'll all be away at the crucial period. Like thanks.

I tried not to let guilt affect my decisions, especially at this crucial period. Been feeling so guilty not working at least once every week at CQ and convincing myself that i deserve a break, especially when it's the end of the week where i can return to my favourite place in the entire world.

At this point in time, i wish i were born with a silver spoon. Where money appears magically some way or another without the need for trade off using time and energy. I could do with some more time in life, we all could. and the fact remains that this is just a dream, for this is Singapore i'm talking about duh!

Turned Topsy Turvy.

Work was good, and even better now that I've heard the pleasant comments.
Like i say, positive feedback and affirmation always brighten up one's day.
and i suppose i need it this week.

I'm kind of glad i'm going away soon. Need somewhere which i can experience liminality save for dreams, and leave worries to the better tomorrows.

Yep. Fake like you're friendly. Fake like i can even be bothered. Like thanks.

and don't try to spoil my mood coz i'm heading home for the weekend. Wait a day if you wish.

I'm perfectly fine.

Lack of sleep. headache.
Procrastinating. headache.
After exercising. headache.
Eat too full. headache.
Deadlines. headache.
Weather. headache.
Presentations. headache.
Tutorials. headache.
Anxious. headache.
Quizzes. headache.

When the familiar gets mundane, find zest in life.

Woke up with an empty stomach AND found breakfast within 50 steps of my room.
Extremely motivated today despite the lack of sleep. Guess nothing can go wrong when the day started off great.

and the perfect way to end the day is to step out of hall and go for a jog to hear and reorganise my thoughts. so i shall do so later.

rearranging my mind so that there'd be room for him to stay.

--------------------------------------

There's this thing about home that put me entirely at ease. and all i wanna do is to laze around enjoying the comfort. No wonder i can't get any work done at home.

--------------------------------------

Schedule packed for the week leading up to the exams. Planning to see if i am able to thrive under pressure, whether performance is positively correlated to the amount of time till deadlines. and seriously, i can foresee that the zombie with failed eye makeup is going to return. have to find a way to let Von knows that i will TRY my very best to fit work into my schedule, maybe head down on Fri, and stay in for the weekend. RAH.

Biz comm presentation next week,
HRM, OB and MA presentation week 12.
HRM ind response paper due week 12.
PMM and MA presentation in week 13.
HRM group report submission due week 13.
End of term OB quiz week 13.
PMM end of sem test week 13.
OB report due week 14.
Biz comm end of sem test week 14.

ARGH.. Faintz.

Time to oil the gears and start moving. I'll work on biz comm first. One step at a time i guess.

Picked up the motivation to jog recently.

An outlet. For the confusion and mental fatigue.

The only time when i can clear my mind, keep my mouth shut, yet feel unrestricted and free. and i always feel so so much better after, that i wondered what made me less than happy then.

Chamomile supply running low.. and anticipating the need to get more before the semester ends.

Distracted

Distracted. really. and at a loss as to what to do.
At the same time I sense independence slipping away.
So what am i to do if there's no one else to turn to?

My mind was empty all morning. and i screwed up at the subject pool. I have no idea why the hell i'd make the decision to offer 6 when i could have said 4 or even 2. It's really really illogical. Guess i wasnt thinking right today.

-------------- fast forwarding---------------------------

Someone is ignoring me. =(

and it doesnt help that i've work buried up till my neck so much so that it takes all my energy not to suffocate. am trying real hard to obtain school-life-work balance, and the irony is that i seem to be set for failure.

so i have to keep convincing myself.
that i am strong. i am STRONG. i AM STRONG. I AM STRONG.

Rearranging my mind so that there'd be room.

and it's hard to say the right words without practice.

-----------------------------------------

Down with MS analysis. Did whatever i can with the resources on hand. Will have to leave the rest till i get back to hall: War-zone. zonked. at least i got started. Group proj next.

Feel trapped in a space with air getting thinner, breathing getting heavier. Wanted to go on a online video streaming marathon to clear my mind but figured i wont be able to do anything constructive if i got started on that. i'll be swimming in tears next week if that was the choice i made. So i figured i still have a bit of sanity in me.

Sat behind the wheels today and that activity killed the least brain cells. that is, in addition to sleeping.

---------------------------------------

Glad i met up with Ching, Jas and WL last week, and Alvin on Fri night.
Missed catching up with old friends and striking a conversation as if we have been constantly meeting up. Spare me the awkward conversation-starters that make me feel like doing a self-intro again. With them there's no need to do so, and knowing that everyone's doing well sort of motivates me to strive on with what i have, towards what i want. and that's exactly what i need now. source of motivation.

It's Week-H for me all the way till study week.. BRING IT ON!!

Putting thoughts into perspective

Buried neath the heap of assignments.
it doesnt help that i am working against time, not WITH it. ARGH.
and it doesnt make sense that the effort i put in is not positively correlated to the work presented, especially when group mates conveniently deleted the part you edited AND only informed you half an hour prior to report submission.

It's a miracle i'm still sane and my hair is still intact.

My laptop is procrastinating. It only allows normal functionality for 5 minutes tops, from startup. and i think i am so going to blow up if i send it for repair and they insist that there's no problem. great. just when i needed it most. ARGH.

and it seems like the perfect time for Microsoft, gates, allen, ballmer to drive me crazy too. dfaf;sa;lgfslk;n

Organization of thoughts seems so much easier when i put them down in writing. at least i know that i WILL BE in deep shit if i continue procrastinating and indulging in the weekend mood.

Random

Thought material possession signifies that i am normal (in econs term) and that in any situation, i will want more of something. Seems like i was wrong.

Been seeking for tangible wants to remind myself that i am just like any other only to realise that what i am seeking dont seem to be tangible. I don't suppose that i am THAT indifferent, but then again, i cant find a good enough explanation for my perceptions.

I've brought a pier to hall yesterday.
The quilt cover reminds me of home, where the heart and the start is.
A place to return.

Seriously, i have no idea just how long more it'll take for me to be independent judging from my dependence on others. What will i do when the source of strength is gone?

Learning to make it out on my own. Standing on my two feet. making my own decisions, choosing my own destiny. Have been doing that since young, just that the older i get, though i am nearing the end, the consequences seem so much more severe.

Plagued by the listlessness syndrome recently, like witnessing the bull's eye fading out.. and it takes all my energy just to stay on track.
For the record, I am not complaining. I don't recall any other moments where i seem to be living life the way i am now, and i still stand by my belief that everything happens for a reason- just that some take a longer time to surface.

and it's so wonderful to have a comfort spot near. seems like nothing is impossible now.

random

Amazed at my topsy turvy living style recently. Guess we must experience the extremes more frequently to better appreciate how great life is when everything is in order.

Putting my problems at bay with sensibility and maturity as trade offs ain't really something i consider logical, and i swear i am never going to go over my limit the next time, if i can help it.

Over-indulged: because i trust that there is someone who can take care of me

Sigh. Now i feel so silly. shldnt have convinced myself to follow my heart.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Met up with 150+ - BL today.
The usual exchange of info on topics which we never seem to run out of, made me realised just how important communication is, with words or without. and how good it is to feel comfortable around each other even in periods of silence.

En route the future

I'm learning how to flap now that I've made the decision to take the leap of faith and definitely need to believe that i will be able to build my wings on the way down.

I guess what i am seeking for the past few days was exactly what BL was searching for- reassurance that i am making the right decision.

Then again, what is right is subjective. So well, i suppose sometimes we (I) just need others to remind me that what's awaiting at the finishing line is the ribbon and NOT anything else. Definitely not an invitation to a never-ending marathon.

Aint quite myself recently. I guess going home after staying out for 2 whole weeks only to see them for a day and coming back to hall makes me even more homesick compared to seeing them for 3 days a week. so I fathom absence really makes the heart fonder.

The load on my mind this semester outweighs the past 3 semesters combined. After making
the decision to take on more responsibility, i realised just how much that issue has been lingering in my subconscious all the while, surfacing constantly at the most inappropriate time, like during periods of higher stress or fatigue level. I can't get out of the trapped frame of thought, that horrible cycle that seems to rotate endlessly, like how my mind has became.

But no worries. this time round I AM going to forcefully stop the scales from swaying (again). and just like the many other times that i did, i KNOW that everything is going to turn out fine. So much for being wishy-washy.

When i say nothing matters, i guess sometimes i mean it as an unconventional point of view. Nothing matters meaning EVERYTHING matters so much so that even nothing matters.

Behind the line, awaiting the right time to take the leap of faith and in the process of accumulating courage.

Sometimes i really feel like slapping myself, at least that might be able to serve as a wake up call.
and there is no dilemma to begin with. NOT at all. I made the decision before i turned 21, and has been working hard towards it after knowing what i want then. Now that i am THIS close to grasping that bright shining star, i start having reservations.. Feels EXACTLY like being on the starting line during sports day waiting for the guest-of-honor to pull the trigger to begin the race. After working hard to be qualified to compete in the finals, suddenly you start having doubts and then go on to thoughts on giving up, even before the race begins.

It's kinda hard to explain why. I have no idea where the confidence and optimism went. I guess i'm afraid, that i cannot live up to expectations, of not being good enough. that the luck that i've had all these years might just run out when i needed it most. and it's kinda annoying that a person with internal locus of control starts faltering and allow extrinsic influences to take over.

Fickle-minded. what if i realise that my passion lies somewhere ELSE after this semester? what if there are better opportunities out there? what if i am limiting myself way too much and viewing the world from the bottom of the well? then again, i applied when i am barely halfway through BECAUSE i believe my future self will be able to handle come what may. Now that i am IN the future, i find myself stuck despite my confidence and strong belief then.

Everyone has been encouraging, and i think that i'm damn lucky. BUT what if, what if it isnt meant to be? that means i have to live 1000 days in misery. not that i cant overcome that (my mom has been extremely optimistic, telling me that if i cant handle it, no one will be able to), but i don't think i want to put myself through that.

One educator changed my life. ONE. in barely a semester. and in today's OB class, VL was saying that how things turn out in life is based on the choices that you make 90% of the time, which is dependent on the 10% events that will happen anyway.

It's the choices we make that determine who we are today. so back to the topic, should i take another step forward into the glaring light though i cant see what's ahead?

i suppose the truth is sitting on a fence, again.

no Pinocchio feel this time round, and the fact that i didn't really answer her question makes no difference. silence gives pple the freedom to interpret in whatever way they want to, especially when the subject doesn't really seem to care.

Holding a conversation

It's not merely an exchange of words, it should be an exchange of ideas and perceptions.
(at least to me)

so lesson of the day: Do not engage in mindless chatter.

the lean far out entry. and I fell. so i better be careful of my thoughts. and that's a crazy thought, to be careful of thinking of what i think. whatever~

------------------------------------------

Home sweet home~ It's so comfortable being at home, acting like a pampered child and behaving like a radio. *laughs

so dreading work tomorrow. so so so so so so so so so so so so so dreading work tomorrow.
Work = lesser time with my family = try to feel less guilty due to the heap of seemingly endless To-Dos that has yet to be started. but that doesnt mean that i am unhappy, coz it's PAYDAY, though it's only that miserable sum due to that 2 pathetic working days the entire of last month. but hey, I could do with a LITTLE more yusof ishaks u know.. muahaha...

I'm going to have to prioritise schoolwork this coming week before everything else, yes, even work. Schedule's out for the week.

Monday: Read biz comm case studies,
do evaluation with the girls,
finish my backlog of OB readings AND
prepare for HRM presentation

Tuesday: Meet the Ward 12 pple,
prepare for OB meeting

Wednesday: Health screening
OB proj meeting,
SEP briefing
REVISE for MA mid-term

Thursday: Last minute revision for MA,
biz comm meeting after cls,
archery training,
go through purchasing materials

Friday: Make my way to Clarke Quay for work then return home, hopefully whole and good.


Gosh~ I'm so going to make myself sick so i have an excuse to sleep (more). and i think i really need to put on some weight. I look terrible these days, like an un-energetic walking zombie with failed eye makeup. Tonic maybe, or more alcohol to ensure a good night sleep.