Need reassurance from the right people.

Utterly emo today. Suddenly I felt like everything is happening at the same time and that my life has been compressed to a high pressure vault that needs constant monitoring lest it explodes.

So being a pessimist, I was quietly tearing before bed thinking how long more till i encounter a meltdown in the near future.

I know I must have better time management. I know I am capable of bigger things in life and should be able to cope with all things as I believe that God will never give someone more things that he or she can handle. But somewhere along this path that I'm taking, things don't go the way I want them to, and I become so overwhelmed with stuffs that I shldnt be too concerned with in the first place.

I cannot perform at my peak at work, maintain a good emotional and physical well-being, be the best daughter/fiancee/friend that I can be, without compromising on one or a combination of the above.

So I feel like My achievements for this year is at an all time low.
I seldom feel so demoralized at the life I am leading. So I guess this emo phase comes from the fear of not achieving my dream wedding, or the fear of not being good enough for everyone. Maybe it's a combination of both.

And I am annoyed at myself. A lot. For I know that he loves me so much that whatever I want, he'll provide just to make me happy. But I don't want OUR wedding to be a one-sided preference kinda event, for I know there are elements were he'll comply but not be too enthu or happy about. And I am willing to compromise. That is, after the meltdown that is sure to come. The meltdown will make me come to terms with those regrets that I'll live with, at least in the near future.

lasik

Recently my brain functions at its maximum capacity. to the point where i think i'm a walking timebomb.

Firstly i wanted to note down my LASIK experience. Finally made up my mind and go ahead with Shinagawa lasik at Wheelock place. Went for both Shinagawa and LSC forums and felt that the former was much better in terms of the clear ecplanation as well as had a great experience at the pre-lasik assessment.
Wils went for his pre-lasik assessment at LSC and had a totally horrendous saturday afternoon there. He then went to try Shinagawa. The utcome is still the same- his cornea is not suitable for lasik. But he too, felt that the doctors and nurses there have a much better understanding of the customer needs as well as a higher standard of service.

I went to the appointment on 30 May and spend a total of less than 2 hours in the clinic, incl filling up forms and waiting time before i stepped out of the clinic spectacle-free.

The nurse first brought me to a cosy area of the clinic and let me relax on this reclining armchair in a private space. she administered a small sleeping pill which she told me was for relaxation and in no means meant to make me sleep during the surgery. then she gave me numbing eyedrops. after resting for awhile, i was brought to another room where i don this disposable surgery gown and cap to keep my hair out of the way. Then i had more eye drops administered before the doctor check my eyes to confirm that i'm well enough for surgery.

i was then brought to the 1st operating theater where they create the flap. The nurses there guided me along the way and told me what to expect prior to each stage of the surgery, which i find very comforting.

In the 1st operating room, i lie down on this chair that looks damn dentist-like. Doctor Lee was talking to me the whole time, pre-empting me of what to expect. Along the way he told me what i was supposed to experience, which is great, for i was initially so scared of the pressure on my eye and the vision going away completely for that few seconds. i was told that i will see a green light, then a red one, then i will feel pressure on my eye, then my vision will disappear. then i will feel more pressure. then i was to countdown from 25. so 2 nurses was in the room counting down for me so that i know when to take a new breadth! then the cycle repeats. after which doc Lee went to the 2nd operating room to prepare while the nurse apply more eyedrops, and told me to continue blinking to make the bubbles which was formed to create the flap go away.

then someone guided me to the next room. by then my vision was much like my normal sight without specs or contacts, but more hazy.

the 2nd operating room was a full lie down bed. this time round i do not feel any pressure/pain at all. again Dr lee pre-empt me on what to expect and what i was suppose to experience. after which i can see him using this thing that looks like a spatula to even out the flap. that very much reminds me of how we apply butter on chicken wings during BBQ.

in less than 5 mins, viola! i was given a pat on the shoulders and congratulations! i can see without spectacles.

So i was brought back to the resting area to relax for awhile fore leaving the clinic. the first thing the nurse told me was "your husband ask you to call him when you're done. he says he'll be downstairs shopping!" Damn. i forgot to bring my phone so i got to borrow the clinic's phone to make the call. and he told the nurse that i'm his wife. lolx.. not for another 2 months!

So my eyes felt rather heavy right after the surgery. on my way back home in his car i kept my eyes closed to avoid the sunlight. after i reached home i realised i have trouble keeping my eyes wide open. i can only manage a slit to see and my eyes cant stop tearing. so i ate a quick dinner and went to bed.

4 hrs nap later, i woke up being able to see everything without spectacles.

2 days later, i'm thoroughly enjoying my lifestyle without spectacles and contacts. after lasik, i no longer need to fumble for my spectacles when i wake up in the morning, or remove my contacts when my eyes feel too dry.
I can see perfectly fine, and i think it's a great technology. it's amazing how a few beams of laser can bring so much convenience.

i do not experience any bloodshot eyes, i am applying the eyedrops as instructed, and can't wait to fully appreciate the convenience of not having to bring eyewear during holidays and while playing sports!!!!

henrymello video

http://vimeo.com/22486140

The 29th is coming

Today I saw this girl with a bouquet of white cala lilies with baby's breath and was in a daze thinking how nice it will be on the receiving end of that. I no longer receive flowers on normal days just because someone wants to make my day. Or to see me smile.

I think the acne medicine is messing with my hormones. I feel like crying.

The older I get the more I find tt I no longer derive much happiness from material gains.
I miss those days when a $3.90 eyeshadow or a sample size $8 perfume makes my day.
And eating at restaurants with friends seem like such a big deal for an outing.
Not to forget picking THE outfit to wear.

The days go by. The days gone by. The days tt went away.

Oversimplification- and the art of reduction to nothingness

The preparation for the wedding is stressing me out.. Sometimes I wonder if it'll be easier if we pay someone to organize and recommend everything. I think tt someday I'll cry over the slightest detail tt I miss out on my big day. And it doesn't help tt we can't seem to find time to search for even the ideal restaurant on top of working ard my shiftwork. There are a lot A LOT of things a girl wants on her big day. I want it to be simple but not oversimplified. So I feel v helpless when the thing seems to reduce to nothingness.

I'm tired. I thought we can live on love and love alone. I thought that because we love each other we want to give in to everything so that the other party can be happy. But it felt like we've reached a wall this time round, for 2 indecisive people coming together and working on a plan isn't such a Gd idea after all. We ended up waiting for decisions to be made and plans to form. Sometimes I think tt my mood swings are just my subconscious telling me tt the I-want-to-get-married-after-30-syndrome hasn't really gone away.

Everything happens for a reason, or so I believe. For 2 people to meet at the right time, right place and looking ahead in the same direction is what makes things right in this lifetime. Meeting THE ONE. I have. Have you?

rearranging my mind so that there'd be room for him to stay.
He stayed. And tts all that matter.

Thanks~

我们俩都同样重视感情，只是你每次都会把脆弱和流泪的权力留给我。

Invisible ring

A new colleague was being driven to tears by someone upstairs the other day.

So i was wondering just how much more they can push me against the same wall to have the same outcome.

Been having quite an unpleasant time at work, having to mother hen the babies and to carry out the work from the top of the hierarchy.

Most days I can forget about work-life balance, and pray silently that I can get home and sleep the fatigue away. Then again, the him who lives upstairs has always been gracious to me.
I find myself exceptionally lucky on those days as well, having survived yet another tornado weather and being blessed with so much more.

Right now I think I have the same kind of slow rage building inside me like back then. Those type that motivates the silent rebellion. Anyway, need has always been the mother of invention, isn't it?

and yes, I have an invisible ring.

You know those moments in lazy humid afternoons whereby your thoughts run in a million different directions and suddenly you remember a thing or two about the past that never cross your mind in the normal day-to-day?

That day I was spending some time alone at home and remembered stuff that happened in high school. Of how some guy once claimed that he will quit smoking for me, which I think was a joke coz no one should change for no one but themselves and still have the same perception now.

Of how the long driveway aka burning furnace was such a great place to march and sit on the steps and enjoy a gd lazy afternoon with a cold drink on hand.

On how in high school honesty isn't the best policy coz all people want to do is to conform and be accepted.

And i do believe that good girls are just better liars, not because they want to deceive others, but more of having ability to be perceptive on their surroundings and deal with situations accordingly.

I know I've said it like a million times

My shift work not only eats into the time I should be setting aside for my social life, but it's affecting my physical, mental and emotional health.

--------------------------------

So most days I need a safe harbour to turn to, much like kids hiding under their blankets thinking that the monster in the closet will leave them alone if they cannot be seen.

Some days it's scary knowing that my safe harbour sometimes get hit by tsunamis and the monsters are going to get me after all.

and all this is making me angry because i'm not in control.

feeling insecure..

random

Every single avenue is dead, or as good as.

Facebook has already turned into Friendster II.

Email is a box for junks.

hp can be replaced by a good alarm clock.

But blog is still plays a part in enabling me to connect with myself, no matter how small the role has become.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

They enrolled me for a 2-day course about service excellence and I had so much fun recalling those stuff that I used to know and presume was rather good at.

The moments-of-truth, grooming, telephone etiquette and others.. Like so hospitality management. So the speaker was asking us to note down the way we address others over the phone and it dawned on me that ever since I joined operations, I have evolved into this rude performance-driven machine with the apparent lack of good service.
I remembered when I first started out over a year ago, I used to complete my sentences over the phone, give proper greetings, identify myself and my department as well as offer assistance.
Now i'm just this voice over at the other side of the line waiting to get through the tasks involved with the motivation to end the call ASAP. Like it's so much easier to just say "morning. Control."

It's sad, but it's the reality of life. Change is the only contact. We adapt accordingly to our environment. I suspect if i'm not such a good chameleon, i would have stabbed myself with a knife and bleed to death trying to fix the current practices/ processes to that of a different industry. Some things are best left alone.

and i was thinking that maybe that is why people in the service line puts in extra effort in serving others. For that is the only way to differentiate themselves from other industries. and it's sad that i'm in a results-oriented business where productivity counts even before the government announces the direction we should move towards. and i know the pain in accounting for every single action, or inaction that may or may not be under my control.

It makes my short stint in the hotel industry seemed so easy.

Ok. and i know that if all else fail, there is still the moolah to look forward to. and i have a good feeling about this year.

--------------------------------

A couple of stuff on my mind
- lasik or not?
- Turkey, Barcelona, Bulgaria, Egypt and Alaska
- Tod's bag
- korean food
- feeling secure
- new laptop

Action speaks louder than words. Get to understand body language better to know the reason(s) behind reactions.

Indonesia trip in Oct. Not Turkey, but better than nothing.

Changing group. Riding new waves.

take it or leave it

Just another of the unhappy moments that turn my day into hell.

I swear work seems so much easier in comparison.

Maybe it's time to get a recorder here, so that I can play the when-i'm-upset-i-don't-like-to-talk in repeat mode.

I hate it when people cant accept others for who they are, and the thing to note is that I am never going to change.

I dont expect others to, but it does help a little after the grumbling.

So the truth is that I have been a little upset since then, and yes, i don't want to talk about it.

Stuff getting into my head. Yep, and still up at his hour.

The selection process

Haven seen the promise yet.

The never-ending AK highway.

Was cycling along the PCN trail when I had one of those flashbacks from Alaska.

dangling the carrot in front of the donkey

Someone from management spoke to me recently about job rotation, and the prospects of blah blah..

So I was thinking a couple of years more till I reconsider my options and to make the best of things now.

The shift work makes me feel like a 45 year-old trying to get up from bed after a bad rheumatism period.

I find myself lying in on my off days trying to replenish the lack of quality sleep on my working days, and store energy for the busy days of the week while i'm on duty.

Everyone around me says I looked tired, even though I prolly woke up from a 13-hr rest the night before. my complexion has been at an all-time low, and I really don't like how that makes me feel. Like greasy face after a night shift going home only to face the thousands of other fresh-faced commuters going to work in the train every morning. And it doesnt help if I was attending to an accident case the night before wearing WHITE and having oil stains on contact points. ARGH.

And all I look forward to each day is the rates that tally with my effort (or not) every cycle, and the moolah that appears in my bank account at month's end. AND I pray every single day that I do not need to answer to yet another email for performance, exceptions, or anything else for that matter.

What can i say? Just live and let live.

Another day wasted trying to fight the inertia to get going.

I need to find a hobby!

Yet another night of the insomnia curse

Too many things running through my head.

It suddenly dawned on me that I have 2.25 more years to go to complete this journey of grit-my-teeth-and-rough-it-out period.

At work it's the usual challenge to try and meet things work. But many a time, it is the people that irks me endless, not the work. The people who by all means try to make work seem like you sway sway landed on the monopoly's Go-straight-to-jail-do-not-pass-Go-and-collect-$200 square. a one-way ticket straight to hell when you get burn nice and black. and seeing you squirm and wriggle make them feel good about themselves coz they right something in the world.
yep. those wayang kings and queens.

For one I know that I still like those boxes stacked neatly beside one another as much as a year ago and find the industry fascinating. But what goes on internally makes me sick. It's not really the office politics that is driving me crazy, but the lack of service to internal customers that makes me purple.

Maybe it is solely because I was from the hospitality industry that makes me feel this way, or that I do not yearn for a promotion to stoop as low to their level in the remaining time I have here.

I do look forward to completing whatever I have so that one day i can truly say that i am free. free of the clutches of this place that one has to tread so cautiously on soft ground, to move on to a place where people are generally 'more humane,' hopefully.

Have sort of lost touch typing on my laptop.

On days when I have the luxury and the energy to look at the monitor for yet another 2 hours at leisure on top of the 12 hours i put at work are those days where life doesnt get as comfortable as i want it to, yet little adjustments seem to do good.

I know I am one big grumpy naggy person but i TRY not to repeat how dark and gloomy things are, for i know that others have problems that are just as big and dark and occupies almost all their time. but keeping things to myself aint a solution. somedays i know i'm at the point where things are threatening to overflow and really need a quick fix, like panadol but without the side effects.
those are the days where i desperately need music in my life, as well as time alone. some days on my way to and fro work I contemplate getting a music device to add joy to my life. then again, i sleep the journey away so music may not have much of a use. i have never own a music player and think that songs playing in my head is as good as those that goes in the ears. so maybe not. but i shall see how. blocking out the noise seem like a good idea, but the senses are heightened one the journey to and fro work when everyone in the same space and time as me are keeping to themselves thinking aloud and leading different lives. i find that interesting and find joy in connecting with myself, for that seems like the only time i can hear myself think. this is the problem of having a big family, someone is always ruining the peace and quiet. i, for many times, ruin it for my family. there are just too many people whose emotions one has to be sensitive about. most days i dont bother. we learn to live with it.

so enjoying the tranquility at 4 in the morning with the music playing softly in the background while i do whatever i want and the weather cool enough to not ruin my mood ends my day off perfect.

and for now, i need the motivation to put on my running shoes to get those limbs moving.

Today my colleagues were chatting on the way back from lunch and we talked about how one of our superiors, being the typical SINGLE male in his middle-late 30s. A little rounded in the middle, and slowly balding with an o-k-a-y career in an established organisation. Most probably has at least 4 out of the 5 Cs. So the question is: What are the types of females that will be attracted to him.

So that sparked off a little debate on the way females think.

so one of them was saying that unless the female is also in her 30s, the qn is out besides a partner of another nationality.
another was saying that there is a possibility since he is able to provide for whatever the partner desires.
so i was thinking. if the female has been single for awhile, working for say 5 years (still in her 20s), not as educated, and earning less than him, then it is possible.

For the world has changed. Women are as good as, if not better than men.
If my salary is comfortable enough for me to lead the kind of lifestyle that I want without a man (now), then why should I limit my options? if all else fail and nothing good goes to those who patiently wait then worse come to worse i'll fend for myself in the days to come. nothing to worry. if i earn more than a man, then i have one less thing to be afraid of.

so my colleague was saying that for females like me who just graduated, drawing a rather comfortable income, then the question is definitely out.

yep. believe in thyself, and believe in love. and since love is blind, then maybe nothing is impossible.

yep. so their next suggestion is: recruit more SINGLE females in the office.

but what they didnt know is that i have been discussing with my female colleagues and we think that is not the point. the entire place is filled with the opposite gender that doesnt attract us. so we sort of gave up on the makeup dress up for work and focus our energy on other things. no wonder i'm becoming more masculine these days. no wonder we are expected to have the meticulous nature of females in administrative tasks, and ALL the other positive aspects of males in other areas of work, like directing people and leading a team of much older men whose kids are older than us. like they say, the best of both worlds. but they forget the scales are skewed to one side, as usual.

reborn from the ashes

Just when things start to go down the wrong way.

So the same goes for those situations that seem to run out of hand when things are looking bright.

yep. Strong believer of Murphy's law here.

Some days I just think I can't manage stress to the level that I think I could, for those pent-up emotions that are just waiting for the spark to begin a roaring fire wait peacefully under the surface with cracks.

and it doesnt help that i keep looking at the OTHER side of the coin, standing at the side where the grass is parched and in need of water.

Yes, there is a price to pay for the ka-ching that's dumped into the bank account at the end of the month.

and yes, welcome to the rat race.

Out and over

Reaches a stage where I feel myself trying to keep my balance at the edge.

Today I came home exhausted and irritated with all the uncontrollables, and felt like an empty shell. Totally like a deflating balloon.

Like all thing brimming and threatening to overflow if tipped too much to one side.

and it's scary when this is not the first time it happened, but not doing anything even though i know for certain it's going to occur again.

like the dreaded accusations that is potential hazard to my well-being. and the damned one-way communication passed own through the many layers of bureaucracy.

and finally realising that the thinking, of being satisfied with one aspect of a situation makes all things work, is so naive. that the sense of achievement at the end of the day may well be one that is easily forgotten, just like many of the damned.

dislike all things that crumple easily, for I need strong glue to gel them back.

Thinking about some random stuff lately.

Like wanting to maintain this kind of lifestyle, and with the combine income we'll be able to do so.

But with 2 big travel plans each year and at least 2 short ones, the savings portion will be impacted.

Like thinking that raising a kid requires a million dollars, and wondering how people out there survive the hardship.

Considering the impact on savings/ lifestyle changes if one makes the decision to stop working, even for the short-term, to fulfill a dream or to stay home and look after the young.

The kind of feeling that one day I'll be overwhelmed by the decisions to make in my daily life, and that the simplest of things may still be complicated.

Kuching

Lazing around taking naps ever so often, eating cheap good food, having great company, watching DVDs, taking a trail and walking 7 km just to see a waterfall.

I like.

The cosy hostel we shared with the stack of DVD collection- I think someone has an even better collection. =)

The walking around the city center aimlessly enjoying the feeling of being away from home.

Yep. Can't wait for March!!!!!!

30 and counting.

Down to everything that makes a difference in life, and knowing that at the end of whatever I'm looking forward to brings about a new cycle of the next big thing.

Just like the window period of dilemma 2 years ago when I was contemplating whether to take up the free money in return for my youth; to halfway through the bond and still counting, down to the day where I'm really free- contractually.

Like anticipating the days to a get-away to the planning of the next big trip at the end of the 1st.

Like forever playing catchup with yourself not knowing when to stop, or ever wanting to.

I got the Kuching trip at the end of Jan, the Italy trip at the end of March, maybe a Taiwan trip somewhere in July, followed by another big trip at the end of the year. I was thinking of Egypt in October, but that'll wipe out my entire savings so we shall see.

Recently work has been shitty. In the sense that I was so burn out at the end of the day I don't feel like doing anything more than engage in mindless stuff. I can almost see the extra maybe $50 bucks at the end of next month as a reward for this month's crazy workload. Like that amount of money can make up for my loss in other areas.

The start if a new year makes me wonder lots.

Like how much I've changed from the till now.

The difference between the ME when I got my diploma vs the ME when I received the flimsy paper at the end of my uni years seems to be age.

But with that comes opportunities that don't exist in the past, as well as a certain quality of life that I know I'll come to appreciate.

Like knowing that at the end of the day, I'll put the money that I've earn to good use. Work brings about some happy news that make me want to do better for this year. but with the label that is attached to all those fortunate ones, I'll just have to pretend that the green-eyed monster aint roaming around.

-----------------------------------------

The other day I was just thinking of the kind of spender I am. We all know the importance of financial management, and there are numerous consumer behaviour courses out there that guides people to recognise the way people make decisions about things they buy/ want to buy.

I used to divide people into 3 classes.
1) Those that think for very long but in the end of the day decided not to buy
2) Those impulse buyers
3) Those who think for very long and will end up buying, sooner or later.

Now I separate them into people who will spend money on things that will improve their quality of life and those that will use it to enhance their quality of life. The difference in that is that the former will use it for intangibles and the latter the tangibles, whom those materialistic people congregate to boost the economy. Of course if one has the moolah, they can choose to balance between the two, but most of us skew to either side.

and it makes me wonder if i'm leaning to one side so much that I should reconsider my buying behaviour.

I think there should be something that affects me more, like peer pressure or the power of advertisement. Like a normal person should always want more of a thing than another, according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. and in terms of SG context, we are at least at the 'social' level so many of us should succumb to peer pressure to increase that level and move on to the tip of the pyramid.

so i wonder- what is the latest latest in-thing now? is it still the smart phones? Havaianas slippers? tights? thick eyeliners? or some other stuffs?

ok, I'm going bonkers.

Professionalism

That is, to be able to act/ function well at work just like any other work day.

Simply put, to be what I used to be by 7.30.

That, I think I can still achieve.

To make oneself invisible by blending into the masses.

yes. I think I am capable of that.

Diving into the moment.

The rain got indoors today despite ensuring that only a small gap was left between the window panes.

and i hate being alone today.

I need to know why to be convinced. Those reasons are important to me.

Like you tell me that I have to achieve certain performance results because at the end of the day it affects the company performance and knowing that will allow me to set my priorities and make the right decisions.

Not because you have the authority and I have to listen to you.

Like not because my parents and I are related by blood hence I have to listen to their every instruction.

No I don't have to do so. For we are all individuals, connected by ties that can be broken.

spare me the crap. and yes, I so want to be alone.

The song from young that got stuck in my head today

Inch by inch,
Day by day,
Step by step,
All the way,
Piece by piece,
Bit by bit,
And little by little
You’re there.

If you can’t climb a mountain then climb a hill,
That’s much better than standing still,
There’s a way if you’ve got the will,
And little by little you’re there.

If you can’t swim an ocean then ford a stream,
Just remodel your basic scheme,
Don’t give up ’till you’ve reached your dream,
And little by little you’re there.

Good things that are here to stay,
Don’t get done in just one day,
Once you’ve start you’re on your way,
So keep on going.

If you can’t walk a mile then take one long stride,
Move along with a sense of pride,
Step by step ’til you’re satisfied,
And little by little you’re there.

Tumbling down the stairs.

So tired i felt like i was going to.

All good things come to those who patiently wait

I don't expect ALL good things to happen out of no reason, just like I don't believe free money will ever fall from the sky.

Like reaping what you sow.

Some things are very clear cut. There's only black and white, and the existence of the grey area is simply the understanding of those at either end.

Like I don't like smokers, but I don't hate them either. I have friends and relatives who smoke, but I don't. I am at one end of the spectrum and the only reason I walk to the center is not because I want to be converted.

So I don't believe in the bullshit of being entirely different yet still the same just because I crossed the line.

I simply don't buy into the idea.

So for me it's still very much of a do or do not kind of scenario most of the time, and some stuffs are just non-negotiable.

The year is coming to an end, and I am going to be a year older. I dread the coming of the next year, for it signifies more responsibilities. Yet the coming of 2010 means a lot a lot to me in terms of the expiration of the bond. The freedom at the end of the race.

Pudding and warm chocolate cake

All I can think of between those moments of silence. *laughs

Xmas came 8 days earlier this year with the black shiny plastic in the pouch.

Plus I'm exceptionally glad not because of that, but more of knowing that I can be so so happy with other stuff that doesnt require money.


--------------------------------

Was chatting with the karang guni ah pek just now and he commented that it must be real nice to live in my house where it's windy. For a moment I felt so guilty, for it seems like I have all the good things in life. and the next thought that came to my mind- get a house with good feng shui, for it'll determine my mood for the days to come.

Just another one of those days. yet again.

I was on day shift today and almost extinguished the fuel by the end of the day.
Was walking across the st.james overhead bridge and something visual came to my mind-
That every time work sapped my life and energy, a picture of a flattened yellow balloon that has lost its taut, shiny texture when it's brimming with joy appears in the space of my brain.
So it appears that what's left is a mustard-coloured 'lao hong' balloon on the ground with grim and dirt on it.

Haa. Exactly how I felt.

I literally walked home like a lifeless corpse.
I must have looked like shit for surveyors tried to strike a conversation but did not pester me further when I looked at them in the eyes and then away.
Yes, I looked at them. Action speaks louder than words indeed.

and i know exactly how over my body has been maxed out, for i can (again) count my heartbeats with my toes. I KO on the sofa with the intention to skip dinner due to the lack of energy to hold utensils properly. but you know you're not doing the right things when people you love remind you that what is convenient aint good, even if it may seem so at the moment.

Desperately need a holiday.

To stroll in a foreign land hand in hand and smiling like the world is ours throughout.
To spend quality time together. To get away from stuff.

4 more months to Italy!!!!!!!!!

Like Pringles- once you pop, you cant stop.

Love the weather recently. Down my temper like water on fire.

Irritated. Quarreled with some people at work. and didn't do well in presentation.

Pulled up the damned rates by their 2nd meeting that seem to be all that they're looking at. And feeling like some stuffs are going to overflow soon if I don't keep things in check.

Some days I have a lot of drive. and really put in 101% of effort in every single detail, going through those things painstakingly, just hoping that I'll close off my shift with a decent good rate and not hand over shit to other people.

Some days I feel like hecking it. On days like that I remember that I used to have a nonchalant attitude and that I can put that to good use. I can tell them that there's nothing that I can do to improve on the situation, and yet still happily take the same pay at the end of the month, like a few others that I know. So today just happened to be one of those days where I feel like half threatening them. I feel very irritated. Frustrated that some days things go very well and people dont say a word and on 3 hours of lousy performance, they smack you in the head and make you see stars.

They're not convinced of my explanation, but I don't feel like saying that the ground staff are not cooperating today. that i got so mad at my no-show list that I feel like letting the time run on its own till whoever else is happy to complete the pending task, regardless of the time. and it doesnt help that the yard situation has been terok since last week. With all those boxes piling up in the yard, there is no way we can squeeze in additional containers into that limited space. So my resources keep running round and round waiting to be served by a more efficient machine.

kind of tired after awhile. The kind of disappointment that comes with every lousy rate. But with that comes the adrenaline rush that i enjoy so much whenever things go smoothly because of pre-planning and luck.

I don't even feel like screaming anymore. I feel like wailing like a kid and waiting for someone to come with a candy to cheer me up.

A colleague is leaving, for greener pastures. here he is merely a small inexperienced staff hidden amongst one of the 5 branches of the organization. Is he the best? definitely not. for there are better ones. But outside, there are places that will take him for a $800/month increment in a position that is like so high that in normal working day, people working in my level will not be contacting. Is the green-eye monster coming out of the shadows? absolutely. That news kinda sparked off a series of job-hopping thoughts in many of us.

So i was thinking. In a couple of years, I would not have to worry if I'll be unwanted outside. I just need to flash the cert, and act like I'm damn worth the money you're paying me for.

I met the COO yet again yesterday at the company Christmas lunch. I dread meeting him, for he always uses the same question as the start of our conversation, and always ends the conversation with a reminder of some unpleasant stuff that I'd gladly forget. well, to hell with that. You just wait till my backup plan is in place. Then I'll simply smirk when you say the same things over again.

Some insensitive comments someone made also has me frowning for quite some time.
but it's okay. for I know that's not important. yep. like telling me things that down my mood invigorates me. exactly the opposite- so i slept well last night.

My sleeping pattern is absolutely screwed. and so is my food-induction routine. I have a hearty diet. someone reminded me again. and I do not need reminder that I feel like I'm going to evaporate into thin air if this goes on. I am eating well and I think it's the digestive system that makes my body all knobbed. Like no matter how much I eat, I no longer feel bloated or full. so that is making me miserable. you know how much I enjoy the feeling of contentment in the stomach after a good meal thinking that the day can end coz I am fed.

and the VP attitude irks me. Yep. Talking about changing the corporate culture and appreciating your people more doesnt mean that one has to look down on others and feel superior for we are leaders and the blue-collar jobs are for those people that you wont mix around with.

mind him. a lousy speaker than tries to instill action plans and inspires subordinates shld not act all snotty. Feels worse than high school when you know you can never be compared to the top 5 schools for the elites in the nation yet the educators kept brainwashing the class that we are the cream of the crop. and the physics teacher telling us that the NA and NT students are useless and stuff. You know the kind of feeling when you look at them, supposedly in respect, but turned out that they're some hypocrites just wanting to meet their own targets and appraisals for the academic year. People turn out just fine without adding kerosene and starting a fire. thank you.

and I am where I am because of opportunities. I kept thinking of the Nepal video in year one and feel so glad that the cards I'm being dealt with are good in the first place.

You know what I want to do most on rainy days?

It's here! One more month till 2010.

Somehow the years get shorter as I get older.

Last year this time, I was still blissfully ignorant of the kind of life I will be leading this year. I was still a young college student away from home having the time of her life.

It felt like 10 years. The twinkle is gone and I no longer find the need to flash the camera at every single moment worth capturing. Or maybe all the moments aint worth the effort now.

I still look forward to the same old things, like sleeping, a cup of coffee, a book with a quilt on rainy days on that rocking chair. Just that non-working hours have become the prerequisites to all those things to be happy about.

Today he came over and I finally understand a tad of how he feels every time we arrange to meet and me looking like work is pulling me down. For the past 5 months it just seems that only I'm the one with the horrible work-life balance and yep. I feel damn guilty. and even more so after receiving Royce after work. and some days the thought of settling down early dont seem like such a bad idea after all.

But work has to come first, at least for two and a half more years. Working hard towards that goal. If you really have to know, I really can't see myself there in 5 years time. Internal promotion is absolutely out of the question. Maybe another company. It's not that I don't enjoy the work I am doing now. I've come to a stage whereby I'll come home, to spend time logging in just to check my performance in the previous shift. So I know I'm one level higher than where I started out. Good, but not enough. I need to conquer the next, for people have expectations. The money is not for free. Yep, but so is my mental and physical health. And would I trade this for that? Maybe I would.

I look at my friends who have already changed/ is changing/ will be changing jobs. All the best for your new jobs. Surveys have shown that the first 6 months in a new job is the most stressful. I can vouch for that, and let's hope the next job is a better one. One with more pay, better benefits, and nicer colleagues. No point moving from bad to worse yeah. and know that if you feel miserable, remind yourself that I'm stuck. until I get that money ready in the bank. lolx..

and yep. The Kuching and Italy trip have been booked. At last something for me to look forward to. To break the monotonous work streak. So I guess I'm really stuck. Yep, talk about choices.

Astrological predictions. lolx

Beware of taking a job for which you are utterly unsuited. Yes, you need a steady income, but it's important to hold out for the right kind of work. Opportunities related to the arts, charity work, or psychology are highly favoured. You might also thrive in the hospitality field. These days, it's practically impossible to get good customer service. That's where someone with your diplomatic talents comes in. Stress this ability when you go on job interviews.

An unusual routine you were forced to abandon could be put back into action. It will take some time to get used to working strange hours and running strange errands. Still, your work won't ever be boring.

December. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

time, gone.

Finally found the time to visit my grandparents as well as my aunt & family.

Combed vivo for florist and bought a stalk of rose for my grandma's bdae. she's still that happy after receiving flowers from me. so i'm glad she likes it. Gifts are the best when they can make one smile. regardless of the cost. So together with an angbao and the usual extra allowance, I suppose that makes up for the lack of time to visit her after starting work in July. at least it lessen the guilt.

2 years and 7 more months to go.

God, please know that I'll like to stay strong.

Give me the serenity to be at peace with all things at all times, the courage to stand up to what I believe in, and the wisdom to ignore all the intolerables. Amen.

I can feel it

Time for a wardrobe change. and I have no idea the difference that few kilos can make.

Shocked. Everytime I was alone in the office ladies spending the precious 5 minutes to myself and scare myself half to death with the notion that something aint right. or rather, seriously wrong. I put on a piece of pants today that used to be tight, and realised that I need a belt now. I no longer use the digital weighing scale underneath the dressing table for every bit lost cant be easily gained back. and it's kinda depressing. I'm maintaining my usual diet, and might even be consuming more tidbits with the frequent snacking. And not to mention the absence of any exercise in my day-to-day life. But somehow the metabolism still remains high and the energy intake doesnt seem to be enough. The guys in the office commented that I'm scary coz I eat a lot. Like a lot. Not normal for a female. Or maybe they just havent meet that many females in the office. And yes, my manager unofficially told me today that I've became a male in my line of work. Not because I want to. But because I have to. So the expectation is kinda like: u're a female so u're expected to have the usual blah blah qualities like being meticulous and stuff, yet able to act like I have the OTHER good qualities of a male. Anyway, my hormones are kinda screwed now with the irregular sleeping pattern so maybe I do have some of those traits. I think stress is playing a rather major role in my life now that I've started working and expecations are rising, if it aint high in the first place. Struggling to make things work, all the time. and explaining for every small details that may or may not be out of my control. and if it's not. why and what could be done. I was thinking today how it used to be like, say 15 years ago when the trade was booming (it's still booming) and haven been privatised, yet. I heard stories, wonderful ones, that I hope was still on but sadly not. Then again, when money gets in the way, everything gets OUT of the way.

So today I came back from a scoring day at work and realised that even with 2 hours of sleep I can jolly well function for more than 12 hours. and find myself amazed and wondering again how far one can go. Like where exactly is the limit. Like whether the same situation will happen like playing SIMS. fatigue sets in and one drops to the ground and catch some sleep then continue to wake up and go abt their activity.

so back to the scoring thing. My morale was on a uphill hike until those damn phone calls pushed me down the ladder. not once, not twice, but numerous time. If you do well, they want better. So ultimately I'm always racing against time, and trying to beat targets time and again. when you do extremely well in one area by sacrificing something else (one's always got to prioritise stuff), they expect u to maintain the one that u sacrificed AND also do well for the 1st priority. So the grey areas just gotten bigger. and things aint black and white anymore. not that they are in the first place. but the grey got diffused, if u know what i mean.

----------------------

Wanted to bitch about work but stopped.

Didnt want to see myself whine to myself.

I'm not there yet.

Hopefully.

----------

some random stuff:

Mom was doing the laundry on a rainy day. and it reminded me very much of KR and seeing the crane lights in the distance shining in from my window. the same detergent smell with the cold air and the scent of fresh air in the early morning. same old same old. and i like that coz it's comforting. to an extent that i think i'm addicted. and one day when i have my own home, i'll make sure i have throws all over the house during the rainy season so i can indulge.

Got this crazy urge to go shopping. Just walk around and look at what the shops have to offer. not necessarily spending money, but just roaming the streets listening to xmas songs and people watch. Just looking at random stuff that one may or may not require. sometimes i need a warm hand to go shopping with. on rainy days especially. but things dont always go as one wants. i already have an almost non-existent social life and the shift adds on to the anti-social lifestyle i am heading towards. yeap. talk about work-life balance.

need to find another way to reconnect with myself.

A million thoughts.

and no voice to project those words.

Living makes us dumb and dumb-er.

Or rather, acting like one.

Thinking of the vacuum-packed bah kwa back in the CJ hostel looking out at flurries outside the window.. smiling at the 'coming to meet u the long way round' quick message, the funny coins required to ride in the trains there, plus the super long wait at the bus stop in the cold and the ulu bus journey to the national park in Gapsa. The can't-believe-its-true time frame with all the happy memories compact.

OK. back to reality.

Watsons is bringing in DHC. yep. I think so. The pre-marketing bottle looks like it. which means i have an alternative source of makeup remover when this runs out. lolx. no need to go to Japan or Korea to buy!

and i'm excited, not coz i can stick to my original makeup remover, but more of guessing the correct brand with one look. lolx.

Love it. the rainy season.

Seeker.

Of all the things in the world, I asked for a happy meal that satisfies the stomach of all my loved ones.

And if that aint enough to bring contentment, I don't know what else could.

Seeking those intangibles. Everyone is invariably looking for those stuffs and choosing to fulfill them with tangibles.

so if most people are just one of the rest, then maybe everyone should be grouped with the majority due to them being unique. Yes, you belong to the majority because everyone of us is unique.

The ideal roster is one that gives me 2 + 2 with the original standby days as it should be.

As the time goes, all I look forward to after the end of work is to sleep right through the fatigue and wake up to a nice meal or greetings from someone.

and to top it off, some little treats like chocolate or ice cream in the fridge.

like a kid. yep. but that's like the ideal day to day life i'm looking forward to.

Rewind to 365 days prior to today.

Stuff to fill

Paycheck is in, again. That makes me just 8/9 away from this journey.

If i keep this going, maybe I'll hit 39kg by Christmas.
Yep. tell me about going on a diet.

Expensive stuffs don't bother me. and i wonder why they don't. Shouldn't i just stand with the majority? Knowing i will not be happier in the long run with those purchases but decided to go ahead anyway. and what's life without splurging money on stuff that fulfill only wants in the short term esp since i'm earning my own keep.

i'm bothered. and think that sooner or later i'll get high blood pressure due to the stress level, and require money to see a psychiatrist. then again, who in this time and age aint bothered with money? Keep thinking that no matter how much i earn, it aint enough. some days I look back at my $1300/mth salary a couple of years ago and think how crazy i was to even think that that amount of money is enough for a living. Minus CPF and the monthly allowance for parents, there aint even enough for transportation and meals. then again, meals were provided back then.

then i look at myself now and think that at where i am now, it feels like not enough. not enough at all. not enough to do things that i want without considering for the future. and so i'm confused with the priority at the moment. keep thinking of wanting to grab more moolah before i cant do so. keep thinking of how great everything would be if one day i strike the lottery and can continue to work with minimum burden. yes, i feel like an old lady dying for a way out of her miserable life. and the funny thing about all this is, i'm having all that i wanted. a challenging job that pays relatively well, a cert that opens door and supportive love ones. yet the grass is still greener on the other side.

but as we all know, when one crosses the line, there's always another one out there.

so learn to be pessimistic. For there'll be less lines to cross.

Looking forward to the rainy season.

next month come faster.

I want to travel!

Sometimes all one wants to hear is the simplest greeting for a special day.

and if that is not possible, all else doesn't matter, really.

Recently I know i've been working hard, for the fatigue came back. When i can feel my heartbeat with my toes after a long day at work and my body goes limp after hitting the sack, I know i'm maxed out.

coz that's what happened back in Tok when after not being able to feel coz of the chores and cold, i can still count my heartbeat lying in bed, with my toes. the veins there somehow don't stop sending signals to the brain even after u feel numb all over.

I spent a good 8 hours into my bday at work, come to think of it, it feels like i've sold my soul to the organisation. i thought we'll be heading out for supper last night and i'll be able to at least spent time away from work to properly rest for a moment to note the start of a new year. but as usual, in ops shit happens all the time. so i ended up hungry, and miserable. for when things dont go as well as expected, it's hard to be happy. optimism gone with the wind. it's hard to keep the mood upbeat al the time, esp when the work env keeps throwing shit at you, and things make u fall time and again.

can only get use to it i suppose. that's what i prepare chocolates in my bag, for situations like that. so i was popping cocoas the whole night trying to keep the mood up by faking the hormones using whatever that is in chocolates, plus keep my stomach happy with the high energy intake. yep, the body can be fooled, but not the mind.

so now let's be realistic. I want new bags for my bday, new work shoes and new work clothes. and i know these can be fulfilled. i can buy them myself. haa!

Now, to my strawberry cake. YUM!

Takuya Kimura and Josh hartnett. yep. =)

Looking forward to Christmas!

counting down, to my favourite season of the year.

random

Different paths taken by different people.

Friends you used to hang out with, being in different places doing different things, leading different lives.

and facebook enables us to have a glimpse into the snapshots of your friends' lives.

work, study, at home, abroad.

like fun is the new life. no. letting people know that you're having fun is the new life.

don't want to be left alone when the tough gets going

Exhausted. very.

Knowing that the best thing is to be left alone yet can't help but engage in conversations that cause emotions to fluctuate. Like swinging from one extreme mood to another when the spark from that one little stone actually is able to start a fire.

45

The desire to hit the minimum to give the gift of life, as a gift for myself. and knowing that that aint gonna happen anytime soon.

So let's be practical and turn to the tangibles.

Yep, a new bag, new shoes and new clothes will do.

and maybe I should get a new laptop for myself. when this one fails to perform.

we shall see.

For all

Have you ever experience the transitional period where you keep searching for something but you have no idea what it is and where to find it?

Knowing that you've foreseen the circumstances of action or inaction yet not doing anything in the hope that your inaction will lead you down the path that has yet to be traveled?

Recently keep feeling that i'm not in the zone for anything. not even for resting. and that every minute spent is a step closer to the end of the month, and a step closer to the next year.

Need some screaming pills.

but knowing that even if there is somehow some means to obtain it, it wouldnt help coz if others find your toe a little out of line, you're game.

----------------------------

ok, random stuff..

aint there a saying that people live in denial? so if i think i'm crazy, am i not? or because i think, therefore i am?

realising i have most of the symptoms of the big D, just missing the death part

and the chili that i misplaced last year appeared mysteriously in the kitchen counter-top. and yep, a stress-ball's gonna do what a stress-ball's gonna do.

Fierce

As far as I am concern, that is not the limit. There's always another line at the end of this one.

Knowing that I am not as indifferent as I though I am when my body sends signals to the hypothalamus that at the rate I am going and enduring, getting high blood pressure is simply a matter of time.

Yep. As if I don't know. Looking forward to the days of joining the shake-leg-coy. and knowing that being a homemaker doesnt make you a party member of the company..

It's sad

Thinking about random stuff today.

The thought occurred to me out of nowhere that it's sad how life turns out.
The way we all strive to live to be better off in anyway, but essentially, we try to get an education that occupies most of our time when we're young because we're not physically fit enough to contribute to society, then we grow older and start to work so we can put bread on the table in order not to fulfill the basic needs of survival, then as we get older we look for stuff to divert our energies beside work, like starting a family and owning material possessions. and in return we have to be slave to time and money. then we start a family so that life would seem natural and complete, and we spend the rest of our lives ensuring the survival of the next generation and that in the circle of life, everything goes on, with or without you.

and the funniest part of it all, is that life goes on with or without you. yes, sadly.

I don't remember the last time I was this heavy.

For all I know, 45 is the normal weight, but am hovering much lesser than that as of now.

My initial plan of donating blood 4 times a year seems to diminish as my body adjust to the nutritional balance of my food intake and state of mind.

and i wonder just how much more to go before I should see a doctor.

some days I stepped into the washroom only to realise that I don't recognise the face I see in the mirror.

and yes, that scares me to death.

so i return to those things that make me happy. yes, the sources of happiness.

don't know why. like back to the tone of the old blog.

Like still in that state of mind.

Like ageing but not maturing.

Just growing older but not wiser.

Like everything else that is unexplainable.

Like knowing it takes just 21 days to form a habit, and that trying to believe that things will be as expected after a month. but forgetting that it takes just 7 days to forget a habit as well.

Getting out of the matrix

Seems like everyone I know got something to say about their work life once they got out of the matrix into the circle of damned.

yep. out to the real world.

Sunset

yep. waiting.

Something to look forward to?

Need those stuffs to keep me motivated.

Last time there used to be deadlines that I know I'll meet, signifying the end of a period and the start of a new one.

Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Somehow this time round it seems like everything is clouded and haze is all over those stuffs.

Like the ticket to freedom costs much more than the pot of gold credited into an invisible source of moolah accumulation at the end of the month.

I thought I'll come to forget the feeling of being so tired, since the 17 odd hours i put in every other day in Tok. but life always find someway or another to make a joke out of you.

So here I am, zombie-like and trying to please myself more than anything in the world.

and looking for stuff to keep me sane. things that bring me away from the feeling of being suffocated.

Like searching for the feeling of going away like last year. Like having no responsibility and smiling like all the thousands of photos in the hard disk.

Like the need to go away after a period of work. Like planning for a trip that makes it possible for one to look forward to and count down to happy days.

Like feeling so lucky after work being doted on and cared for.

Like thanks. Thank You.

Thinking of how to reduce the impact of stress on the throat and realising that it's mission impossible in my line of work. especially when you're on shift.

Work

Shift is something that hasn't bother me much, yet.

It is work regardless of the time of the day or day of the week.
It is hours spent away from things I'd rather do.
But it is something that keeps me sane and reminds me that there is always things out there that I can seek to be better at. Or skills that one can hone for the future. and that no matter how good you think you are, there are always people better and wiser up the chain.

and when things get me down for a moment or two, i try to remind myself that if there happens to be a point in time when people stop telling me where and what I should do to improve, then they've given up on me. and then I'll be left alone and will definitely stop improving (for the better). It is only when you reach those brick walls often enough that you know that you're moving forward instead of back.

and so often enough I thank whoever is upstairs that gives me the ability to sort things out even with this nasty temper and personality of mine.

Cursing and swearing is the norm there, but I need not make it a 'here' thing.

Stuff that matters

More important things than caffeine in the world.

Without them I'm only zonked.

without some other stuffs, I don't think I'll be as O-K-A-Y. or maybe I will. will you?

independent-day come faster please!

Seeking the thing(s) in order to be motivated.

There has never been much stuff that I am interested in, so right now it has been further reduced. maybe i should be amused. but am not.

looking forward to being independent at work, and not still under the 'training' phase. i don't like relying on others too much though i believe in working t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r.

I survived.

So I'm officially just 35 months away from freedom.

Trying to be more independent

Not just financially, but with everything.

Financial independence is easily achievable with the following guaranteed:
1) a roof over my head
2) food on the table
3) no other commitments and responsibilities

But else, all other contexts of the attainment (or even the lack) of independence involves much of trust. Oneself, as much as others.

People talked once in awhile about 50k. and so i told them if i have 50k, or even some backing from higher authority, maybe it'll be easier to watch the days go by. but it's a fact that i have neither. so i'll have to go with the flow.

one big question: What comes after work?

In life there should be a flow, and I'd very much rather I'm the lead actress in that Mercedes (or was it BMW?) advert about living life backwards.
It seems like a nice choice to damn one's life to work in the first 40 years of one's life since one won't remember what happened in the first half anyway, then following by some crazy plans since one has all the money earned, and the health to enjoy it.. and then going on to pursue an education where one drifts off into forever and dying in dreamland as a child.

well, that is just my ideal kind of life. I jolly well know that if one does not have the basic building blocks like speech and physical abilities accumulated from young, then how do we even work for the first 40 years..

Hmm.. the symptoms of thinking too much, again.

Shrinking memory radius

Those group mates that once were. Now gone.

Will i take the initiative to contact them in future?
No.

Will they do the same to me?
Yes.


Memories lasted till the point in time where we sat during meal breaks in the middle of / in between classes talking about how little we learnt from the start of the module till then. What we aim to achieve at the end of our schooldays.

People forgotten, till facebook pops up some familiar name with a link.

you click on it, bringing you to the current going-ons in their lives, and you wonder if somewhere, sometime, other acquaintances are doing the same- not remembering your existence until they chanced upon chance.

Then somehow it brings about this sombre mood where the fact sinks in, the fact that even when your paths crossed, it means little than yet another maybe familiar face in future.

and that, is sad. For it seems like at the end of the day, we are all solely me, me, me for we are the only ones living with ourselves 24/7.

and as time goes, the theory of 6 degrees of separation may well be just an ideal term which is only possible on paper. For those steps may well be invisible, or so weak that one will never reach the 6th. which is to say, we are all so NOT connected that it amazes me. yes, especially in this technologically advanced generation where we all buy into the theory that the world is flat.

yes. and all over the invisible dimension of the world wide web, people are coming up with a zillion programs and applications just to make those lines more defined. Things like facebook and iphones. yes, hail those intangibles that make up our world.

Will be officially a working adult out of school by this time tomorrow.
Uni convocation will be somehow like what we went through in poly (I suppose), so nothing much to worry about. I recalled a mad rush and panic for preparation the night before poly commencement BUT somehow this time round I know I've reached the end of the edu journey hence it's only the paper that matter at the end of the day, and no one will remember how I look like on the day of the ceremony, yes, not even myself.

Yes, and my parents are more excited than me. Can you believe it?!

and the saddest thing of what I learnt these 22 years is that the easiest route to a better future is that passport (read: cert) that gets you across customs. The entry level to a hell lot of stuff.

and the reason behind that is the society we embrace. This practical yet moronic mindset of my fellow citizens that make us force ourselves into a certain mould so as to fit in, better.


alright. to the topic of work. I am now at legoland looking at systems that make my eyes crossed, somehow. and i go home at the end of the day feeling like i've been filled to the brim with stuff. For the time being, it is really exhausting. But i can foresee the sense of fulfillment that comes with experience.. and of course the moolah that flows in with the fatigue I'll accumulate as time goes. Well, what do you expect? ALL passion, no ka-ching $$ ? sorry. I've already been mould-ed. lolx

Was browsing through my thoughts in the Tok blog and suddenly felt overwhelmed by emotions.

4th of July just passed and I found myself recalling the sugared duckies with the flag. Then soon after we'll be celebrating Christmas in July with hot cocoa and Kahlua. Last year this time I do not have time to complain. I was like on my 3rd consecutive work week or something without any rest days, holding more than one job plus working close to 17 hours every alternate day. I can almost imagine the creepy numbness at my fingertips. The unexplained weakness of arm muscles from hauling food bins OVERHEAD and into the dumpster.

Yep. should anyone say that I am a xiao jie/ gu niang, maybe I should retort by asking if they've ever tried working as a dishwasher at the most popular restaurant in town. If no, then talk to my hand.

Training phase

I know it is the right one when your mind doesn't work the way it used to work when you feel undervalued and unappreciated.

I know that if everything goes well, the pot of gold will be at the end of my rainbow for sure.
... And in the event that I screw up, the cause-and-effect theory ain't too hard to swallow either.

Plus performance to reward keeps the motivation going.. So I do not foresee how this will end up like the hospitality sector where one sits by thinking your department is the ONLY one bringing in the revenue..

Maybe I'm wrong. But let me be mistaken till 2012.

To the one staying above, THANKS.

------------------------------

Commencement this Sunday. I can hardly believe I've finished running around the track and have reached the finishing line. I have yet to feel the effect of stumbling head on into the rat race. Today I met a uni friend at Kovan MRT. She's currently hired at some investment banking company as an intern drawing an INTERN pay of $1500 per month. like WTF. seriously... all other interns earn like 700 bucks. those at auditing firms take 600. but well, that's where the money lies huh.. so I guess somehow I must tell myself that between money and passion, I CHOSE somewhere in between. Of course all must be aware that the scale is ALWAYS tipped to one end. ^.-

She posed the question: How does working full-time feels like?

Somehow I was truly lost for words. Somehow the situation has yet to hit full blast. I am still sort of strolling and admiring the flowers before someone throws a pail of dirty water at the walkway, and screams at me to get off their yard. yes. not that yet. Maybe that's why I can only properly evaluate the situation half a year from now, then a year from now, 2 years from now, and right after the bond. By then I should look like 30 with wrinkles and crowfeet. yep. Maybe.

Slowing down the ageing process. Maybe all we're seeking is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, regardless of one's wealth. All we're looking forward to is to be more stable, more secure, more dependable. yes, on ourselves. The HOPE for a BETTER tomorrow, no matter how contented we are. For if we can have more of one commodity, why would we want to settle for less? Yes, I'm starting to think that my mind works more like an economist than not.

For the many more 12-hr ++ shifts that I will be enduring for my coming days, wish me all the best.
thanks

and check out dilbert comic strips on the left!

I was browsing uob website and found out that you can personalize some of the supplementary cards with a sign off at the top right hand corner.

ok, how cool is that?! I find that nice. Imagine (just imagine) mom's face when you give her the usual birthday card every year. She receives it with the usual smile and proceeds to open the envelop which holds that card, to find a personalized supp card for all her spending. =)
or your sis's 21st bdae, you handed her a card and she gives you this *chey cheapskate give me hallmark/blue mountain's card only* look. Then 10 minutes later you'll hear her telling her friends about how she got this new supp card as a birthday present. For someone who isn't working or does not have the ability to, yep. that should be a big deal. It's not so much of the ability to spend without or outside of your limits, for the giver will surely know and expect you to be in control before you're being presented with the card. BUT it's the trust and nice personalized touch that one is giving, not so much the value of the gift.

so now maybe the banks can start thinking of ways to charge for people to personalise their cards. I know it's already available for cashcard and ezlinks..

okay.. random stuff.. I'll be meeting the odin peeps tmr.. it's been so so long since i last met up with them. Like before i left for korea. Like before everything happened.

and i'm starting work soon.
Being financially stable is very important to me as an individual, and i'm really looking forward to that. I know it won't be like the usual part-time days when you look forward to payday at the end of the month just so you can buy something that you've been aiming for awhile. I know i'll very much still be looking forward to payday every month, but on top of that comes a great many other opportunities that will be available to me once the money comes rolling in.. and other responsibilities assumed by default.

dreading the commitment, yet looking forward to it. it seems like I'm standing at the shoreline with the waves crashing around my feet, advancing and retreating, advancing and retreating...

Happiness can be so so simple...

if everyone overlooks the fact that money is the root of all evil~

Looking at those happy faces on social networking webbies.. and u'll realise that 90% of those pictures posted were those that are exchanged with Yusof Ishaks, somehow or another.

Be it at a restaurant, outings with friends (which include some kind of activities/ food = money), flowers, cakes, new material goods etc... all those damn tangibles that are much sought after.

=(


so we know that money cannot BUY happiness.. but in order to be happy, pls hand me those vitamin 'M's..... i need them for survival. and ultimately how happy u are depends on how contented you are with ur current situation.. and one can only start to think of needs other than physiological ones when the most basic ones are met, which all boils down to the availability of kaching in ur bank..

eton mess~

yeah!

I need fruit flo, the big one, with extra berries.

Tired of the marathon even at the starting point.

and currently, it feels as if I'm waiting for the gunfire at the ready, get set, go mark.

How do i explain to others how I am feeling right now?

When given the time

Instead of chasing after some absurd or even impractical dreams, I chose what most people do - watching the days go by and not knowing which day of the week it is.

We are all attached to the anchored, secured feeling. So when faced with prolong periods of rest, the sense of restlessness come into play. Time, then, display the stark contrast between now and anytime elsewhere. Day in day out waiting for something different, something that makes my life worthwhile at the end of my time where I can look back and go in peace knowing that out of the billions of people walking on Earth, I am me and have not lived my life like a puppet on string listening and following what the rest of the world is doing, what other people believed to be the right way to do things. Rather, MY way of doing things.

Consciously or subconsciously comparing everything with everyone else. Tiring chore. Comparing grades, material goods, sportsmanship, talents, abilities, friends, partners, the makeup on my face, the shoes on my feet, the books i am reading, the games i play, what i do in my free time, the amount of money i have in the bank, where i've been, the people around me, how i treat other people, how i this, how i that, and in later part of life, my job, my family, how i raise my kids, how i fare as an adult and most of all how i carry all that judgments all my life. It's a chore knowing that nothing matters as much as how I see myself but conformance is a disease, for it brings joy- to those who managed to extract a sense of superiority over the rest, and comfort (if they fail)- as they are with the majority.

Finding meaning, real meaning. Giving up everything, campaigning for AIDS all over the world trying to make a difference? Implementing changes to save the Earth? or just making oneself feel better by retaining what one has now and making small changes? Support the ribbon campaigns, donate money for that is what humans are less likely to part with given a comfortable lifestyle and not wanting to make major changes to their lives while trying to make themselves feel like they've tried their best in making a difference..

Just like passion, sometimes one has to keep reminding oneself that only money rule this world now, not those intangible feelings that are unanchored to anything else. and for that, we are all slaves. somehow or another.


Maybe it's just me. but given the time to be paranoid is not healthy, at all.

The things we do- for memories are selectively retained

Took time to browse through the pictures I took in Seoul, and the memories just came back like I was there yesterday.

The school, CJ House, and out... The many a gatherings and outings and celebrations and drinking sessions... the times when there was zilch responsibilities and absolute freedom to do what your heart tells you to do, and not what your mind says you should be doing. The genuine happy smiles frozen in a place that transcends time and space. the random crazy ideas we had, the happiness and nil restrictions that we all seek.. the almost trouble-free lifestyle, living in absolute comfort and ease. all those gone with the wind once we step on board the journey home. I see the face i see everyday in the mirror being captured in pictures by friends with expressions I never thought i have, and can never replicate in front of a camera now.

The decision to put pressure on the camera shuttle is a consideration of a split second. any later the photo would not turn out the way it is, but before that lies the opportunity to be at the right place at the right time.

i love this ad

I traveled around New Zealand in a Spaceship named Alien and gen 1 Mazda convertible.
It was a thoroughly relaxing trip that tempts me to consider moving out of the sunny island in search for a lifestyle with slower tempo.


and yep. Singapore is only the size of LAKE Taupo.
We did Zorb, 4WD, went to see the thermal pools and had a dip in the mud pool, kayaking Milford Sound etc... too bad the Fox glacier hike got cancelled due to bad weather. =(
I like Top10 holiday parks for the cosy accommodation and splendid kitchen. I like traveling around in a car-pervan. I enjoy seeing rainbows everyday (almost) and taking in greenland as wide as my eyes can see and the beautiful sceneries that one can never view back home.

Going away makes all the difference. Liminality. The space between two familiar phases that seems like an entirely different zone. Now that i'm back typing this in my room looking out of the window (only to see the windows of my neighbours and the sun glaring) makes me feel as if i've nevr been away at all.

I've freedom for one more month, and all i want to do is to go away in search of more time alone.
Sipping lattes or flat whites in a cosy cafe lost in thoughts and the feeling of euphoria when the sun beats on your back while the winter air envelop you. going extremes and feeling like there's nothing between you and everything else. Maybe i do have claustrophobia, living in a city state.

FINALLY

i'm just me. don't say that i a bit a bit then like this or a bit a bit like that.

I get very defensive when people raise their voices, and i am extremely sensitive to tone variations in conversations.

walking along the swaying scales it's hard to find a balance, and i find myself being affected easily when it tends towards one side or the other.

if it affects u, go chill~

perfect weekend. ^^

Went clay pigeon shooting at bukit timah gun club clay target range on friday.
It reminded me much of the days i did rifle, pistol and archery.. Just that this time round, my targets were moving. the recoil, the sound/visual of the targets splitting, the weight of the shotgun etc.. the activity makes me feel good about myself, plus exceeding my own expectations make me happy, but i suppose that applies to everyone. and hearing compliments every now and then aids in sound mental well-being. =)

Went pit biking in malaysia yesterday, i've always wanted a class 2 license for like forever and this sort of make up for not being able/ giving up on 2B. Dirt biking in the plantation areas climbing slopes so steep that i never even though i'll be able to on foot and riding around at levels so high i know i'll break a bone or two if i fall.. and thoroughly enjoying the thrill of losing control. it would've been perfect if only the glove lining didnt slice my skin open. damn it. and every time i pull the clutch the material bites.

the pineapple made up for the warm day outdoor. and it was just a pity we didnt continue into the afternoon, if not someone could've had more fun.. =) next time we go try the atv~!! woosh!! then we can go at even faster speed without the feeling of the bike vibrating so hard it seems as though the oil tank is going to explode under the hot sun. lolx..

and finally i got to eat the seafood lunch!!! and the massage was definitely value for money!
the dvds we bought is enough to last us a good couple of months too.. ^^

i was so exhausted that i slept right through sunday.. this weekend i've had so much fun in a semester put together. Maybe coz all i have left for my education life is a paper on saturday. plus going back to jogging helps in stress management. sorry if i snapped a time too many recently. and thank you~ i had a lot a lot of fun. =)

Somehow keeping this blog seems like a torture recently.
I no longer find joy in sharing what I think, regardless of whether the stuff makes sense or not.
I find myself staring at the create post page blankly for goodness know how long till I know I've sat out the intense moments. then I'll type in some lame words or another that means little.

I missed those reflective moments where my thoughts go in a million directions and I spent some quality time alone communicating with myself and find out what I need and want in a particular period. I am happy when I managed to understand and love myself better every time I go through the routine memory un-cluttering process. and continue learning from myself when i look back and see it in words how i felt and reacted when i was younger, all my fears, confusion and immaturity.

Just ignore me. Some days things just hit from nowhere. Then one looks back and only realised that you've made a loop and is about at the ending point. and what's scary is not completing the race, but knowing that the ending point is right where the next starting point will be. damn!
and performance in one lap isnt going to help you win the race.

ARGH

Need to find a way out of this ridiculous period.

Most unbearable time of the year.

PMS.

Presentation.

Report.

Exam.

Rat race.

some days i can't stop the scales from tipping

I'm still suspecting the symptoms..

TWO weeks of school plus one exam before i get my ticket to the rat race.

As usual, the week leading to hell week has nothing to contribute to my emotional well-being.

Need to seek the motive in motivation before things can get going.

and when that fails, fall back on heuristics to get things done.

One step at a time.

Maybe i don't have any.

I hear nothing of the best 5 qualities as of yet.

swaying scales

Been raining on off recently. Don't ask me why. I'm no weatherman.

-

I ran a few searches regarding my suspicions. and yes, ask no questions and i'll tell you no lies.

-

I guess certain things still holds its weight on the route to self-actualisation regardless of what i've said or done to convince myself.
And i'm beginning to feel that it is the trigger of the ripple effect.

-

Every situation seems insignificant on its own.
But somehow combining them brings about an exponential effect.

-

THE swaying scales.

Some days i dunno what to say anymore, or if anything matters.

Today i made the decision to terminate the account, yep. I felt like screaming i don't care but deep down i know i do.

that's life.

One step at a time. and i'm tired of all the things in line. i'm thinking of going fishing some day. just me, the pole, a good book, a stool and some nibbles. on a good day out.
or me, the rocking chair, a good book and a cup of tea on a rainy day.

somehow simplicity gets complicated with direct proportion to time. and i feel myself taking backward glances over and again. no wonder i was told i look sad. yep. forlorn i suppose.

can someone tell me my best 5 qualities to make my day?

Some friends reminded me that it's the start of week 9 today. as if i need any more reminders that the deadlines are fast approaching and i find myself procrastinating, as usual. like thanks.

somehow counting down the days doesnt seem half as bad if i'm looking at travel as the goal at the end of this period, not work. definitely not that.

Hate this characteristic of mine that can't follow what the norm is doing by sitting by and letting others do what they can while claiming ignorance. yes, i hate it with a PASSION.

and it is beginning to feel as if i set myself up for unhappiness.

that damn flaw.