Paycheck is in, again. That makes me just 8/9 away from this journey.
If i keep this going, maybe I'll hit 39kg by Christmas.
Yep. tell me about going on a diet.
Expensive stuffs don't bother me. and i wonder why they don't. Shouldn't i just stand with the majority? Knowing i will not be happier in the long run with those purchases but decided to go ahead anyway. and what's life without splurging money on stuff that fulfill only wants in the short term esp since i'm earning my own keep.
i'm bothered. and think that sooner or later i'll get high blood pressure due to the stress level, and require money to see a psychiatrist. then again, who in this time and age aint bothered with money? Keep thinking that no matter how much i earn, it aint enough. some days I look back at my $1300/mth salary a couple of years ago and think how crazy i was to even think that that amount of money is enough for a living. Minus CPF and the monthly allowance for parents, there aint even enough for transportation and meals. then again, meals were provided back then.
then i look at myself now and think that at where i am now, it feels like not enough. not enough at all. not enough to do things that i want without considering for the future. and so i'm confused with the priority at the moment. keep thinking of wanting to grab more moolah before i cant do so. keep thinking of how great everything would be if one day i strike the lottery and can continue to work with minimum burden. yes, i feel like an old lady dying for a way out of her miserable life. and the funny thing about all this is, i'm having all that i wanted. a challenging job that pays relatively well, a cert that opens door and supportive love ones. yet the grass is still greener on the other side.
but as we all know, when one crosses the line, there's always another one out there.
so learn to be pessimistic. For there'll be less lines to cross.
October 27, 2009
October 21, 2009
October 18, 2009
Sometimes all one wants to hear is the simplest greeting for a special day.
and if that is not possible, all else doesn't matter, really.
Recently I know i've been working hard, for the fatigue came back. When i can feel my heartbeat with my toes after a long day at work and my body goes limp after hitting the sack, I know i'm maxed out.
coz that's what happened back in Tok when after not being able to feel coz of the chores and cold, i can still count my heartbeat lying in bed, with my toes. the veins there somehow don't stop sending signals to the brain even after u feel numb all over.
I spent a good 8 hours into my bday at work, come to think of it, it feels like i've sold my soul to the organisation. i thought we'll be heading out for supper last night and i'll be able to at least spent time away from work to properly rest for a moment to note the start of a new year. but as usual, in ops shit happens all the time. so i ended up hungry, and miserable. for when things dont go as well as expected, it's hard to be happy. optimism gone with the wind. it's hard to keep the mood upbeat al the time, esp when the work env keeps throwing shit at you, and things make u fall time and again.
can only get use to it i suppose. that's what i prepare chocolates in my bag, for situations like that. so i was popping cocoas the whole night trying to keep the mood up by faking the hormones using whatever that is in chocolates, plus keep my stomach happy with the high energy intake. yep, the body can be fooled, but not the mind.
so now let's be realistic. I want new bags for my bday, new work shoes and new work clothes. and i know these can be fulfilled. i can buy them myself. haa!
Now, to my strawberry cake. YUM!
and if that is not possible, all else doesn't matter, really.
Recently I know i've been working hard, for the fatigue came back. When i can feel my heartbeat with my toes after a long day at work and my body goes limp after hitting the sack, I know i'm maxed out.
coz that's what happened back in Tok when after not being able to feel coz of the chores and cold, i can still count my heartbeat lying in bed, with my toes. the veins there somehow don't stop sending signals to the brain even after u feel numb all over.
I spent a good 8 hours into my bday at work, come to think of it, it feels like i've sold my soul to the organisation. i thought we'll be heading out for supper last night and i'll be able to at least spent time away from work to properly rest for a moment to note the start of a new year. but as usual, in ops shit happens all the time. so i ended up hungry, and miserable. for when things dont go as well as expected, it's hard to be happy. optimism gone with the wind. it's hard to keep the mood upbeat al the time, esp when the work env keeps throwing shit at you, and things make u fall time and again.
can only get use to it i suppose. that's what i prepare chocolates in my bag, for situations like that. so i was popping cocoas the whole night trying to keep the mood up by faking the hormones using whatever that is in chocolates, plus keep my stomach happy with the high energy intake. yep, the body can be fooled, but not the mind.
so now let's be realistic. I want new bags for my bday, new work shoes and new work clothes. and i know these can be fulfilled. i can buy them myself. haa!
Now, to my strawberry cake. YUM!
October 13, 2009
random
Different paths taken by different people.
Friends you used to hang out with, being in different places doing different things, leading different lives.
and facebook enables us to have a glimpse into the snapshots of your friends' lives.
work, study, at home, abroad.
like fun is the new life. no. letting people know that you're having fun is the new life.
Friends you used to hang out with, being in different places doing different things, leading different lives.
and facebook enables us to have a glimpse into the snapshots of your friends' lives.
work, study, at home, abroad.
like fun is the new life. no. letting people know that you're having fun is the new life.
don't want to be left alone when the tough gets going
Exhausted. very.
Knowing that the best thing is to be left alone yet can't help but engage in conversations that cause emotions to fluctuate. Like swinging from one extreme mood to another when the spark from that one little stone actually is able to start a fire.
Knowing that the best thing is to be left alone yet can't help but engage in conversations that cause emotions to fluctuate. Like swinging from one extreme mood to another when the spark from that one little stone actually is able to start a fire.
45
The desire to hit the minimum to give the gift of life, as a gift for myself. and knowing that that aint gonna happen anytime soon.
So let's be practical and turn to the tangibles.
Yep, a new bag, new shoes and new clothes will do.
and maybe I should get a new laptop for myself. when this one fails to perform.
we shall see.
So let's be practical and turn to the tangibles.
Yep, a new bag, new shoes and new clothes will do.
and maybe I should get a new laptop for myself. when this one fails to perform.
we shall see.
October 11, 2009
For all
Have you ever experience the transitional period where you keep searching for something but you have no idea what it is and where to find it?
Knowing that you've foreseen the circumstances of action or inaction yet not doing anything in the hope that your inaction will lead you down the path that has yet to be traveled?
Recently keep feeling that i'm not in the zone for anything. not even for resting. and that every minute spent is a step closer to the end of the month, and a step closer to the next year.
Need some screaming pills.
but knowing that even if there is somehow some means to obtain it, it wouldnt help coz if others find your toe a little out of line, you're game.
----------------------------
ok, random stuff..
aint there a saying that people live in denial? so if i think i'm crazy, am i not? or because i think, therefore i am?
Knowing that you've foreseen the circumstances of action or inaction yet not doing anything in the hope that your inaction will lead you down the path that has yet to be traveled?
Recently keep feeling that i'm not in the zone for anything. not even for resting. and that every minute spent is a step closer to the end of the month, and a step closer to the next year.
Need some screaming pills.
but knowing that even if there is somehow some means to obtain it, it wouldnt help coz if others find your toe a little out of line, you're game.
----------------------------
ok, random stuff..
aint there a saying that people live in denial? so if i think i'm crazy, am i not? or because i think, therefore i am?
realising i have most of the symptoms of the big D, just missing the death part
and the chili that i misplaced last year appeared mysteriously in the kitchen counter-top. and yep, a stress-ball's gonna do what a stress-ball's gonna do.
September 25, 2009
Fierce
As far as I am concern, that is not the limit. There's always another line at the end of this one.
Knowing that I am not as indifferent as I though I am when my body sends signals to the hypothalamus that at the rate I am going and enduring, getting high blood pressure is simply a matter of time.
Yep. As if I don't know. Looking forward to the days of joining the shake-leg-coy. and knowing that being a homemaker doesnt make you a party member of the company..
Knowing that I am not as indifferent as I though I am when my body sends signals to the hypothalamus that at the rate I am going and enduring, getting high blood pressure is simply a matter of time.
Yep. As if I don't know. Looking forward to the days of joining the shake-leg-coy. and knowing that being a homemaker doesnt make you a party member of the company..
September 23, 2009
It's sad
Thinking about random stuff today.
The thought occurred to me out of nowhere that it's sad how life turns out.
The way we all strive to live to be better off in anyway, but essentially, we try to get an education that occupies most of our time when we're young because we're not physically fit enough to contribute to society, then we grow older and start to work so we can put bread on the table in order not to fulfill the basic needs of survival, then as we get older we look for stuff to divert our energies beside work, like starting a family and owning material possessions. and in return we have to be slave to time and money. then we start a family so that life would seem natural and complete, and we spend the rest of our lives ensuring the survival of the next generation and that in the circle of life, everything goes on, with or without you.
and the funniest part of it all, is that life goes on with or without you. yes, sadly.
The thought occurred to me out of nowhere that it's sad how life turns out.
The way we all strive to live to be better off in anyway, but essentially, we try to get an education that occupies most of our time when we're young because we're not physically fit enough to contribute to society, then we grow older and start to work so we can put bread on the table in order not to fulfill the basic needs of survival, then as we get older we look for stuff to divert our energies beside work, like starting a family and owning material possessions. and in return we have to be slave to time and money. then we start a family so that life would seem natural and complete, and we spend the rest of our lives ensuring the survival of the next generation and that in the circle of life, everything goes on, with or without you.
and the funniest part of it all, is that life goes on with or without you. yes, sadly.
I don't remember the last time I was this heavy.
For all I know, 45 is the normal weight, but am hovering much lesser than that as of now.
My initial plan of donating blood 4 times a year seems to diminish as my body adjust to the nutritional balance of my food intake and state of mind.
and i wonder just how much more to go before I should see a doctor.
some days I stepped into the washroom only to realise that I don't recognise the face I see in the mirror.
and yes, that scares me to death.
so i return to those things that make me happy. yes, the sources of happiness.
For all I know, 45 is the normal weight, but am hovering much lesser than that as of now.
My initial plan of donating blood 4 times a year seems to diminish as my body adjust to the nutritional balance of my food intake and state of mind.
and i wonder just how much more to go before I should see a doctor.
some days I stepped into the washroom only to realise that I don't recognise the face I see in the mirror.
and yes, that scares me to death.
so i return to those things that make me happy. yes, the sources of happiness.
September 17, 2009
don't know why. like back to the tone of the old blog.
Like still in that state of mind.
Like ageing but not maturing.
Just growing older but not wiser.
Like everything else that is unexplainable.
Like knowing it takes just 21 days to form a habit, and that trying to believe that things will be as expected after a month. but forgetting that it takes just 7 days to forget a habit as well.
Like still in that state of mind.
Like ageing but not maturing.
Just growing older but not wiser.
Like everything else that is unexplainable.
Like knowing it takes just 21 days to form a habit, and that trying to believe that things will be as expected after a month. but forgetting that it takes just 7 days to forget a habit as well.
Getting out of the matrix
Seems like everyone I know got something to say about their work life once they got out of the matrix into the circle of damned.
yep. out to the real world.
yep. out to the real world.
September 15, 2009
Something to look forward to?
Need those stuffs to keep me motivated.
Last time there used to be deadlines that I know I'll meet, signifying the end of a period and the start of a new one.
Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Somehow this time round it seems like everything is clouded and haze is all over those stuffs.
Like the ticket to freedom costs much more than the pot of gold credited into an invisible source of moolah accumulation at the end of the month.
I thought I'll come to forget the feeling of being so tired, since the 17 odd hours i put in every other day in Tok. but life always find someway or another to make a joke out of you.
So here I am, zombie-like and trying to please myself more than anything in the world.
and looking for stuff to keep me sane. things that bring me away from the feeling of being suffocated.
Like searching for the feeling of going away like last year. Like having no responsibility and smiling like all the thousands of photos in the hard disk.
Like the need to go away after a period of work. Like planning for a trip that makes it possible for one to look forward to and count down to happy days.
Like feeling so lucky after work being doted on and cared for.
Like thanks. Thank You.
Last time there used to be deadlines that I know I'll meet, signifying the end of a period and the start of a new one.
Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Somehow this time round it seems like everything is clouded and haze is all over those stuffs.
Like the ticket to freedom costs much more than the pot of gold credited into an invisible source of moolah accumulation at the end of the month.
I thought I'll come to forget the feeling of being so tired, since the 17 odd hours i put in every other day in Tok. but life always find someway or another to make a joke out of you.
So here I am, zombie-like and trying to please myself more than anything in the world.
and looking for stuff to keep me sane. things that bring me away from the feeling of being suffocated.
Like searching for the feeling of going away like last year. Like having no responsibility and smiling like all the thousands of photos in the hard disk.
Like the need to go away after a period of work. Like planning for a trip that makes it possible for one to look forward to and count down to happy days.
Like feeling so lucky after work being doted on and cared for.
Like thanks. Thank You.
September 07, 2009
August 18, 2009
Work
Shift is something that hasn't bother me much, yet.
It is work regardless of the time of the day or day of the week.
It is hours spent away from things I'd rather do.
But it is something that keeps me sane and reminds me that there is always things out there that I can seek to be better at. Or skills that one can hone for the future. and that no matter how good you think you are, there are always people better and wiser up the chain.
and when things get me down for a moment or two, i try to remind myself that if there happens to be a point in time when people stop telling me where and what I should do to improve, then they've given up on me. and then I'll be left alone and will definitely stop improving (for the better). It is only when you reach those brick walls often enough that you know that you're moving forward instead of back.
and so often enough I thank whoever is upstairs that gives me the ability to sort things out even with this nasty temper and personality of mine.
Cursing and swearing is the norm there, but I need not make it a 'here' thing.
It is work regardless of the time of the day or day of the week.
It is hours spent away from things I'd rather do.
But it is something that keeps me sane and reminds me that there is always things out there that I can seek to be better at. Or skills that one can hone for the future. and that no matter how good you think you are, there are always people better and wiser up the chain.
and when things get me down for a moment or two, i try to remind myself that if there happens to be a point in time when people stop telling me where and what I should do to improve, then they've given up on me. and then I'll be left alone and will definitely stop improving (for the better). It is only when you reach those brick walls often enough that you know that you're moving forward instead of back.
and so often enough I thank whoever is upstairs that gives me the ability to sort things out even with this nasty temper and personality of mine.
Cursing and swearing is the norm there, but I need not make it a 'here' thing.
August 08, 2009
Stuff that matters
More important things than caffeine in the world.
Without them I'm only zonked.
without some other stuffs, I don't think I'll be as O-K-A-Y. or maybe I will. will you?
Without them I'm only zonked.
without some other stuffs, I don't think I'll be as O-K-A-Y. or maybe I will. will you?
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