I'm perfectly fine.

Lack of sleep. headache.
Procrastinating. headache.
After exercising. headache.
Eat too full. headache.
Deadlines. headache.
Weather. headache.
Presentations. headache.
Tutorials. headache.
Anxious. headache.
Quizzes. headache.

When the familiar gets mundane, find zest in life.

Woke up with an empty stomach AND found breakfast within 50 steps of my room.
Extremely motivated today despite the lack of sleep. Guess nothing can go wrong when the day started off great.

and the perfect way to end the day is to step out of hall and go for a jog to hear and reorganise my thoughts. so i shall do so later.

rearranging my mind so that there'd be room for him to stay.

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There's this thing about home that put me entirely at ease. and all i wanna do is to laze around enjoying the comfort. No wonder i can't get any work done at home.

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Schedule packed for the week leading up to the exams. Planning to see if i am able to thrive under pressure, whether performance is positively correlated to the amount of time till deadlines. and seriously, i can foresee that the zombie with failed eye makeup is going to return. have to find a way to let Von knows that i will TRY my very best to fit work into my schedule, maybe head down on Fri, and stay in for the weekend. RAH.

Biz comm presentation next week,
HRM, OB and MA presentation week 12.
HRM ind response paper due week 12.
PMM and MA presentation in week 13.
HRM group report submission due week 13.
End of term OB quiz week 13.
PMM end of sem test week 13.
OB report due week 14.
Biz comm end of sem test week 14.

ARGH.. Faintz.

Time to oil the gears and start moving. I'll work on biz comm first. One step at a time i guess.

Picked up the motivation to jog recently.

An outlet. For the confusion and mental fatigue.

The only time when i can clear my mind, keep my mouth shut, yet feel unrestricted and free. and i always feel so so much better after, that i wondered what made me less than happy then.

Chamomile supply running low.. and anticipating the need to get more before the semester ends.

Distracted

Distracted. really. and at a loss as to what to do.
At the same time I sense independence slipping away.
So what am i to do if there's no one else to turn to?

My mind was empty all morning. and i screwed up at the subject pool. I have no idea why the hell i'd make the decision to offer 6 when i could have said 4 or even 2. It's really really illogical. Guess i wasnt thinking right today.

-------------- fast forwarding---------------------------

Someone is ignoring me. =(

and it doesnt help that i've work buried up till my neck so much so that it takes all my energy not to suffocate. am trying real hard to obtain school-life-work balance, and the irony is that i seem to be set for failure.

so i have to keep convincing myself.
that i am strong. i am STRONG. i AM STRONG. I AM STRONG.

Rearranging my mind so that there'd be room.

and it's hard to say the right words without practice.

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Down with MS analysis. Did whatever i can with the resources on hand. Will have to leave the rest till i get back to hall: War-zone. zonked. at least i got started. Group proj next.

Feel trapped in a space with air getting thinner, breathing getting heavier. Wanted to go on a online video streaming marathon to clear my mind but figured i wont be able to do anything constructive if i got started on that. i'll be swimming in tears next week if that was the choice i made. So i figured i still have a bit of sanity in me.

Sat behind the wheels today and that activity killed the least brain cells. that is, in addition to sleeping.

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Glad i met up with Ching, Jas and WL last week, and Alvin on Fri night.
Missed catching up with old friends and striking a conversation as if we have been constantly meeting up. Spare me the awkward conversation-starters that make me feel like doing a self-intro again. With them there's no need to do so, and knowing that everyone's doing well sort of motivates me to strive on with what i have, towards what i want. and that's exactly what i need now. source of motivation.

It's Week-H for me all the way till study week.. BRING IT ON!!

Putting thoughts into perspective

Buried neath the heap of assignments.
it doesnt help that i am working against time, not WITH it. ARGH.
and it doesnt make sense that the effort i put in is not positively correlated to the work presented, especially when group mates conveniently deleted the part you edited AND only informed you half an hour prior to report submission.

It's a miracle i'm still sane and my hair is still intact.

My laptop is procrastinating. It only allows normal functionality for 5 minutes tops, from startup. and i think i am so going to blow up if i send it for repair and they insist that there's no problem. great. just when i needed it most. ARGH.

and it seems like the perfect time for Microsoft, gates, allen, ballmer to drive me crazy too. dfaf;sa;lgfslk;n

Organization of thoughts seems so much easier when i put them down in writing. at least i know that i WILL BE in deep shit if i continue procrastinating and indulging in the weekend mood.

Random

Thought material possession signifies that i am normal (in econs term) and that in any situation, i will want more of something. Seems like i was wrong.

Been seeking for tangible wants to remind myself that i am just like any other only to realise that what i am seeking dont seem to be tangible. I don't suppose that i am THAT indifferent, but then again, i cant find a good enough explanation for my perceptions.

I've brought a pier to hall yesterday.
The quilt cover reminds me of home, where the heart and the start is.
A place to return.

Seriously, i have no idea just how long more it'll take for me to be independent judging from my dependence on others. What will i do when the source of strength is gone?

Learning to make it out on my own. Standing on my two feet. making my own decisions, choosing my own destiny. Have been doing that since young, just that the older i get, though i am nearing the end, the consequences seem so much more severe.

Plagued by the listlessness syndrome recently, like witnessing the bull's eye fading out.. and it takes all my energy just to stay on track.
For the record, I am not complaining. I don't recall any other moments where i seem to be living life the way i am now, and i still stand by my belief that everything happens for a reason- just that some take a longer time to surface.

and it's so wonderful to have a comfort spot near. seems like nothing is impossible now.

random

Amazed at my topsy turvy living style recently. Guess we must experience the extremes more frequently to better appreciate how great life is when everything is in order.

Putting my problems at bay with sensibility and maturity as trade offs ain't really something i consider logical, and i swear i am never going to go over my limit the next time, if i can help it.

Over-indulged: because i trust that there is someone who can take care of me

Sigh. Now i feel so silly. shldnt have convinced myself to follow my heart.

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Met up with 150+ - BL today.
The usual exchange of info on topics which we never seem to run out of, made me realised just how important communication is, with words or without. and how good it is to feel comfortable around each other even in periods of silence.

En route the future

I'm learning how to flap now that I've made the decision to take the leap of faith and definitely need to believe that i will be able to build my wings on the way down.

I guess what i am seeking for the past few days was exactly what BL was searching for- reassurance that i am making the right decision.

Then again, what is right is subjective. So well, i suppose sometimes we (I) just need others to remind me that what's awaiting at the finishing line is the ribbon and NOT anything else. Definitely not an invitation to a never-ending marathon.

Aint quite myself recently. I guess going home after staying out for 2 whole weeks only to see them for a day and coming back to hall makes me even more homesick compared to seeing them for 3 days a week. so I fathom absence really makes the heart fonder.

The load on my mind this semester outweighs the past 3 semesters combined. After making
the decision to take on more responsibility, i realised just how much that issue has been lingering in my subconscious all the while, surfacing constantly at the most inappropriate time, like during periods of higher stress or fatigue level. I can't get out of the trapped frame of thought, that horrible cycle that seems to rotate endlessly, like how my mind has became.

But no worries. this time round I AM going to forcefully stop the scales from swaying (again). and just like the many other times that i did, i KNOW that everything is going to turn out fine. So much for being wishy-washy.

When i say nothing matters, i guess sometimes i mean it as an unconventional point of view. Nothing matters meaning EVERYTHING matters so much so that even nothing matters.

Behind the line, awaiting the right time to take the leap of faith and in the process of accumulating courage.

Sometimes i really feel like slapping myself, at least that might be able to serve as a wake up call.
and there is no dilemma to begin with. NOT at all. I made the decision before i turned 21, and has been working hard towards it after knowing what i want then. Now that i am THIS close to grasping that bright shining star, i start having reservations.. Feels EXACTLY like being on the starting line during sports day waiting for the guest-of-honor to pull the trigger to begin the race. After working hard to be qualified to compete in the finals, suddenly you start having doubts and then go on to thoughts on giving up, even before the race begins.

It's kinda hard to explain why. I have no idea where the confidence and optimism went. I guess i'm afraid, that i cannot live up to expectations, of not being good enough. that the luck that i've had all these years might just run out when i needed it most. and it's kinda annoying that a person with internal locus of control starts faltering and allow extrinsic influences to take over.

Fickle-minded. what if i realise that my passion lies somewhere ELSE after this semester? what if there are better opportunities out there? what if i am limiting myself way too much and viewing the world from the bottom of the well? then again, i applied when i am barely halfway through BECAUSE i believe my future self will be able to handle come what may. Now that i am IN the future, i find myself stuck despite my confidence and strong belief then.

Everyone has been encouraging, and i think that i'm damn lucky. BUT what if, what if it isnt meant to be? that means i have to live 1000 days in misery. not that i cant overcome that (my mom has been extremely optimistic, telling me that if i cant handle it, no one will be able to), but i don't think i want to put myself through that.

One educator changed my life. ONE. in barely a semester. and in today's OB class, VL was saying that how things turn out in life is based on the choices that you make 90% of the time, which is dependent on the 10% events that will happen anyway.

It's the choices we make that determine who we are today. so back to the topic, should i take another step forward into the glaring light though i cant see what's ahead?

i suppose the truth is sitting on a fence, again.

no Pinocchio feel this time round, and the fact that i didn't really answer her question makes no difference. silence gives pple the freedom to interpret in whatever way they want to, especially when the subject doesn't really seem to care.

Holding a conversation

It's not merely an exchange of words, it should be an exchange of ideas and perceptions.
(at least to me)

so lesson of the day: Do not engage in mindless chatter.

the lean far out entry. and I fell. so i better be careful of my thoughts. and that's a crazy thought, to be careful of thinking of what i think. whatever~

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Home sweet home~ It's so comfortable being at home, acting like a pampered child and behaving like a radio. *laughs

so dreading work tomorrow. so so so so so so so so so so so so so dreading work tomorrow.
Work = lesser time with my family = try to feel less guilty due to the heap of seemingly endless To-Dos that has yet to be started. but that doesnt mean that i am unhappy, coz it's PAYDAY, though it's only that miserable sum due to that 2 pathetic working days the entire of last month. but hey, I could do with a LITTLE more yusof ishaks u know.. muahaha...

I'm going to have to prioritise schoolwork this coming week before everything else, yes, even work. Schedule's out for the week.

Monday: Read biz comm case studies,
do evaluation with the girls,
finish my backlog of OB readings AND
prepare for HRM presentation

Tuesday: Meet the Ward 12 pple,
prepare for OB meeting

Wednesday: Health screening
OB proj meeting,
SEP briefing
REVISE for MA mid-term

Thursday: Last minute revision for MA,
biz comm meeting after cls,
archery training,
go through purchasing materials

Friday: Make my way to Clarke Quay for work then return home, hopefully whole and good.


Gosh~ I'm so going to make myself sick so i have an excuse to sleep (more). and i think i really need to put on some weight. I look terrible these days, like an un-energetic walking zombie with failed eye makeup. Tonic maybe, or more alcohol to ensure a good night sleep.

Noctural stories

The night shift attachment was a sight indeed. I am only as tall as the wheels of the smallest crane. Been aboard the mighty quay cranes ytd and maneuvering the spreader that can lift 60 tonnes of stuff in 4 directions and the entire equipment to the next berth, with the privilege of sitting at the control seat of the specialist and on board the vessel's desk and navigation room. PMing the prime movers, selecting the job sequence, job scheduling at the whiskies room AND going round with the area IC enable me to see the entire operations in a 360 degrees view. It's amazing how details are being factored into a gigantic operation on a scale unimaginable. One just cant help feeling insignificant in that environment.

Most who know about it look at me with green eyes. I know i should be proud of myself. But somehow the more approval and encouragement i get, the more i start to doubt. being skeptical and then coming to terms and really believing is a hurdle. Others most probably wont have that difficulty. so i know it's just me.

Despite being a little baffled (just a little), i keep reminding myself that it's a rare opportunity to be able to do what i've always wanted, and be part of where i think i want to belong. and not just the yusof ishaks dangling at the end of the rainbow.

Digression...
Night cycling with the KR peeps last night. the first time i went night cycling, i missed biding round 1A and ended up taking only 4 modules in a semester coz i fell asleep and was outbidded. Not a very good experience fighting for modules in the later rounds so maybe that explains my reservations regarding going on a two-wheel ride. This time round, my left knee got scraped. The last time i had an abrasion was in primary school when i fell while walking. Kids just dont have a good sense of balance. I guess not having enough sleep puts my balancing ability on the same scale as toddlers. Seriously, i am lost- what do people do to treat abrasion? leave it alone? yeah. so much for being in SJAB.

I've never been a good cyclist, never am and never will be. But the best part of cycling is that you know that there is no way you can fall off unless you stop peddling. so no worries about not being able to balance, coz everyone can- just that sometimes you balance on your butt. Oh.. and the amazing feeling of hearing the wind. being alone, hearing your thoughts loud and clear enveloped in the wind. I like being at the back, coz i believe that slow and steady wins the race so taking risks are well, just not my style. Then again, sometimes i think i just have to take the leap pf faith and build my wings on the way down.

Yeah. so back to the topic, i think i'll step across the line and go charging into the storm. there might be two pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Happy recess week. yeah, as if.

I ended off the week with a never-ending checklist of to-dos. ARGH.
but i guess everyone's pretty much the same, so live with it.

No more part-time work till i find the time to complete those dreaded assignments, never-ending readings and maybe start revising MA should i want to stop accumulating those should-be-forsakens.

and i guess i'm a little homesick. at least i missed home-cooked food and dread doing the laundry! so i've been thinking: Everyone can live alone. it's just that we don't want to.

random. random. random. It's irritating when i got loads to clear yet somehow the procrastination trait turns dominant. Like wth.

I remember moments and events, NOT dates. and i am absolutely amazed when people tell me they remember the exact date we met, or my birthday with just a glance.

for the hundredth time, i must declare that Numbers just assume a supportive role in my life, so i'm bad with sums, dates and grades!!

It takes that little effort to brighten someone's day, coz my cousin just did it. with a one-liner.

THE ART OF RATIONALISATION

When opportunity comes knocking, do you:
1) keep the door shut
2) open it wide
3) peep through the door viewer

Reservations due to a couple of foreseen circumstances, and more to come i guess.
and it doesn't help that I seem to be treading on thin ice ever since the start of the semester.

Divided as to which side of the fence i should lean towards. or rather, whether i should advance forward despite knowing that gravity might just cause whatever that's supporting me to give way.

My brain seems to have a mind of its own recently, and so i've been putting things off to the better-tomorrows so to speak.

Overwhelmed. So maybe i shouldn't describe mono mono to Ching when she asked. It isnt like the session we attended in TP where i said P=peaceful. but being equipped with the art of rationalisation (i think), i guess i can continue to believe in myself.

Received a surprise call from Ms. Teoh in the afternoon. It's more of the i-m-looking-for-you-to-fill-a-position kinda call instead of a call to ask how i'm doing. I've never been on great terms with her and she's always been a superior in my eyes. Never a friend-friend kinda relationship and i think she lived with my not-so-sociable personality compared to the rest of FO just because i know what needs to be done and am pretty much the only one who'll do the stuff that the rest will complain doing.. Her honey-coated words then, and now. It's nice to know that despite assuming insignificant roles throughout my internship, part-time stints and temp contracts, someone out there notices my effort and thinks of me when they need a quick solution.

Maximizing throughput by subordinating stuff around the bottleneck and i happened to be the additional equipment on hand. Sometimes i look at my friends who are still in the hospitality industry in awe and envy, on how they managed to overcome the there's-no-need-to-look-beyond-the-surface situations in the industry, their undying passion in the trade, and how much they really enjoy what they're doing.

Sometimes i look back and wonder just how i'll turn out IF i accepted the many different offers back then. Back at the place where efforts don't get appreciated, and even if they do it's always too late. If only i took up the Rev exec position then. I may well by flying to establishments in the region a couple of times a year. and i admit it was pretty tempting to start my career with a job that comes with business trips and i remembered Mr. Rum telling us that for a woman to succeed in the business world, it's essential that she needs to be able to eat alone. coz that may well be the most common activity on a long business trip. VL was talking about Maslow in OB cls today and she was saying that it's funny how some people places so much emphasis on self-esteem and belonging needs that they'd rather go hungry than to eat alone and satisfy the most basic need- food. and it aint no surprise that i follow the 5-tier rule closely. since the big 5 shows that i'm a high C, again.

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I've forgotten just how easy it is to reflect when there's someone to share the ongoings.. so Ching, when KS isnt free, rmbr i'm just a phone call away..
and thanks Wilson, for letting me see out of the box ever so often. =)

I find myself walking along the scales, still.
Walk with me, wont you?

Freaky

It's scary.
To some it might be a chunk of alphabets put together.
In my eyes, it seems like a child crying in vain with a bleeding heart with no one around to help.

I can imagine thoughts screaming in the mind, the scarring beneath the smiling face, the direction-less and unanchored feelings that lead to nowhere. that's not all, what follows is being alone bearing the intolerable and trying your best to do without the indispensables..

Being enveloped by the dark. Scary thoughts that may as well drive a person insane. nothing to fall back on, without any way to rebound, and help seems like a million light years away.. what can one do when the negativities start corroding your well-being?

The tag line i set is 'Finding sanity through words, in this ever-changing world.' Always believe that we best rationalize away the negativities through words. but the fact remains that a coin has two sides and it depends on which side one is looking at.
the unimaginable disturbing feelings i get from one entry. Just one. just lines and lines of words made up of 26 characters.

How far can one reaches out to save a poor soul in need of help? and can help transcends across time and space?

so the one thing i want you to know: your pleas are heard. So try to stay away from the bad and ugly till help is rendered. i know you can do it.