felt confident today (might be the colour of the clothes i wore) and things went smoothly. so seemlessly in fact, that i felt that i am finally back in control of my life.

wanted to laugh at myself coz of all these self-talk.
control- it is all but an illusion. all about perception.

aint in the right mood,
not at the right time,
wasnt with the right people,
cant be in the right place.

excuses. excuses. excuses.

of all the things i miss, calling someone just because i want to and yakking non-stop over the phone is at the top of my list. it makes perfect sense to just contact someone when i want to and share whatever that comes to mind. but this act seems to increase its difficulty with age.

the hesitation before a call,
the it's-okay-to-put-it-off-till-later attitude,
the i've-grown-up-no-more-dependent-on-others and
the fear of exposing weaknesses...

if we're friends. should i let u know everything you should, or should i place a barrier to let u know how far u can go to know me.

risks..
helplessness if privilege-to-know-all-of-u: uses something to hurt you.
helplessness again, if distance-i-give-u-ur-privacy: cant even let u rely on coz they have absolutely no idea how to go about doing it.
risks..

so u see.. how can i not laugh at myself when i dun even know what i'm saying in the first place.