My life has been a series of wonderful experiences. It's a pity i wasn't there for most of them

wanted to say countdown to my last day.
then i realised there's no need to do so coz i'm only left with one day.
got time off work today to go visiting- my grandma's urn.

i make it a point to tell her a good piece of news everytime i'm there.
then again, i believe in reincarnation. so maybe she's not around to know anymore.

i cant make up my mind. coz i also believe than when we pass on, we go to another place/dimension to continue our journey. and it's kinda reassuring if we choose to think that the kind of life will go on forever..

so maybe i shldnt trust myself too much.

July has come to an end. that means i'm less than half a year to my fav season.. say yeah!

-Time out-

connecting with myself. somehow connection via blog space goes haywire. no longer able to enjoy the same impact. found an even better outlet.

recently, i found a way to really hear myself- think aloud to be exact.
it's the only thing i find assuring, knowing that my heart is beating fast because of the high adrenaline level and not due to the rising blood pressure.
it's by far the only activity (i find) that NATO pple (No Action Talk Only) can and will actually do in silence. one which pple can shut up and 'just do it'. no amount of flower language or power sports attire will help you win this one.

i like.

after an extensive one, when u really push urself to the limit, u'll feel sth dying away. i guess that's our will to live. so that's as close i can get/feel, to death. maybe i'll have the same feelings 50 years down the road. or maybe even shorter.

u know it's weird. all negativities fade away. or shld i say they evaporate with the sweat. gone with the wind. lolx. i feel so much better. now i'm looking forward to cheezels and chips as my reward.

opened the door like a burglar today. my sis was sleeping like a log and i didnt bring the keys out. even that, i'm scared i'll get caught. kept looking around praying pple better dun get me in this state with their cameras. but then again, why shld i be scared when i'm entering my house? just that it's in a peculiar way? i guess i'm a pretty good thief. maybe i can consider being a locksmith in future. explore all possibilities.

subtle extrem-ist. maybe.

Finally.. i guess i can fully understand the meaning of an optimistic pessimist..

Just imagine the end of the world.. the fallin' sky only signify we'll all die comfortable coz the fluffy clouds will ensure that we'll have an eternal good sleep.. so what's there to fear?

for a moment, i'm outta my mind. lost control of my temper.. the blood rushing to my head, my face red from the anger. no wonder there's the saying 'make my blood boil.'

i came close to screaming into the phone. and i still cant believe they cannot be bothered.
was thinking that if they try to settle the thing nicely, then i might just forget about it. But well, since i waste so much time and effort on it, i better chase them till i get it. it's mine in the first place. this is the time when i want to curse and swear yet i cant due to the limited vocab.

i cant be bothered to be nice to them as well. i've been very polite to them for the past year. why shldnt i do what i like for the last time? it's nt as if i'll be seeing them in the future. oh great. they can go on with their childish non-sensical games in FO. but i wont be joining in.

Think i've been responsible for too long. so i reckon i need a religion.

Just because i read this somewhere:
[ Finding religion is a way of giving your problems to somoene else who claims to have all the answers]

Then again, didnt we all hear it somewhere that the someone only help those who help themselves first?
So maybe i am the someone i have been looking for? lolx.

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scare myself terribly today. i almost knock into a display window. i have absolutely no idea whether i am too engrossed in the display items or that it is an just optical illusion. my friend was telling me the fault lies in the glass - it's too clean. -_-"'

and the dolls inside the cabinet. i'm fine with them until i saw the clown. someone save me!!
i cant shake that errie feel off. even now.
Pls, no amusement park related shows and absolutely no clowns.
Now u know why i never find Ronald MacDonald amusing. he belongs to the chucky family.

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Checked my advanced placement results.

out of 4 subjetcs, i only managed to get exempted from 1!!

lucky me. considering more than 100 students sat for the tests, only 21 managed to get exempted for one subject or more. so thank God.

and i still couldnt understand why i didnt get thru marketing. it sux knowing i have to do it all over again. damn.

and the subject i passed- some management subject similar to POM and OB.

haiz... tml i'll sit for yet another subject i loathe. LANGUAGE.
oh hell. my grammer and vocab is horrible. think my youngest sis is better than me.
oh s***.. i badly need some tutoring.. can i buy brain cells equipped with strong command of EL somewhere? nevermind the price.. oh well... juz forget it.. cross my fingers.. and pray hard..

think i need help frm some higher power.............. call spell-check.
can i bring microsoft word into the exam hall? or maybe juz provide a couple of primary english.. think they'll come in handy..

oh well, why dont i bother to read the PAPERS everyday.. they'll sure ask questions on issues that i happened to skip..

... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... .. ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

HAIZ. sighing is a way of releasing stress. HAIZ. maybe. ~watever~

oh my.. being chided by a friend.. he remembered that i ignored him when he said hi to me last time.. but i really couldnt remember when was it.. didnt notice that my body language was/is so negative..

yup.. i walk ard in a daze, trapped in my small little world and if possible, ignore everyone else.
i dun open my eyes wide enough when i'm out coz i dun see the need to detect anyone in the vicinity and start small talk..

that's the problem with pple who are not sociable.. living in our own worlds and ignorant of the going-ons ard us.

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felt really funny when someone u dun really know said 'maybe i dun really know u i guess'...
how funny it is to make such a statement when even i, dunno myself. so how can someone i dun really know knows me?

assumptions, assumptions and more assumptions.. didnt i mention that surfaces are not who we are to him months back?

didnt i change for the better when i start to reduce my 'rudeness' level..
didnt i make improvement in replies?

cant we ever change to be the best? can we ever NOT be flawed? can pple juz take each other for who we are and not who we think is supposed to be?

okay. i'm not making sense again..

Spent the whole sunday in dreamland.

woke up early for breakfast.
slept at about 4 again and woke up close to 10 at night.
had supper instead of dinner.

i dun even know if i should be grateful for being able to waste the whole sunday sleeping, or irritated that i am not planning things properly and letting my body control my mind.

now i'm frustrated that i'm not being responsible.
too much sleep will cause me to have a late night and that will affect my work performance tomorrow. damn. i hope i dun snap at the agents calling for rooms.

Just like that, i'm left with 2 miserable weeks.. to change for the better..

- Because we believe the surface, we forget that surfaces aren't who we are-

met a friend's friend a couple of days ago and realised it has been ages since i last saw my friend.
and that reminded me of those unkept promises. damn again.

The much-awaited entry...

Before i start on my recreational activities like youtubing or slacking, i beter start tidyng up this place a little more to prevent cobwebs!!

I guess life hasnt been smooth sailing ever since i graduated. to make it worse, i've been doing stuff i wont usually do.

things like going to the library. my head was saying: who has the time?!
but somehow my feet brought me to the last place my mind wanted to be.

it's not the time of the month but somehow i cant seem to bring my spirits up. the weirdest thing is that when i'm going through phases of anguish, or when my mental and emotional strength is not on par, i have the urge to go for a jog. to hear my heartbeat. and so i did.

for pple who are aware of how much i 'like' sports and exercise, you'll definitely know the feeling of rewarding myself with a BIG bag (sometimes 2) of chips and a bar of chocolate after that. together with a nice cup of hot beverage. woo-hoo. that's what i call indulgence. double the endorphines, double the happiness.

the fact that it's the i have the feeling of belongingness the first timei stepped into sch puzzled me. i was thinking what-the-hell is wrong with me. i shld be nervous and extremely uneasy- that's how i would normally feel. but then, i wasnt exactly normal recently. was i??

had dinner with my relatives the other day and halfway thru the dinner, a small accident happened. the uncle at the table next to ours performed this super stunt- his beer bottle slipped and somehow most of the beer got me. my world stopped spinning for half a second - make that 2. then things began happening in slow mo. my aunt gathering tissues. the tables around us turned to look at what's going on - me. my hair was dripping with beer foam and half my top was wet. but that wasnt the issue. my reaction was. by right i should experience anger, then embarrasement, then anger again. or at least show discomfort or irritance. i couldnt feel a trace of the above-mentioned emotions. if i remembered correctly, it doesnt really matter that much to me. i even said 'it's okay' to the uncle before he muttered 'sorry'.

i did ask myself what's with the suay-ness the next day. but that's all. should i be entitled to blow-top-hot-temper-grumble-complain-nonstop effect?? but somehow, it really doesnt matter. maybe i've succeeded in surbing my foul temper. or maybe it's suppressed to perfection. either way, i should be congratulating myself on this.

i'm not really a music-passion kinda person.. so i surprised myelf by enjoying collection of Jazz songs frm the CDs that i borrowed frm my beloved cuzzie. she's the best.
can you not imaigne drifting off to wonderland with the feeling of being enveloped in songs like 'just the way you are' or 'aint no sunshine' and even the very classic- what a wonderful world.
i the small dark bedroom, it feels as if the words are floating around, welcoming you to a special world. all i wanna do is to embrace that and get lost in magic.

it's like going to bed with a smile on your face and bringing with you the feeling of being protected knowing that you'll definitely going to have a great night sleep and waking up to face the morning even better than the day before simply because: who will start a day off terribly when you ended it in perfection?

maybe my mind went as wild as my imagination. but i'm lovin' it.

Hasnt got to doing things i wanna do. like taking a day off so that i can spend it wasting the whole afternoon being myself. i can already see myself in a nice coffee outlet somewhere quiet, with a good book and some nice music alone. recharging, finding the way back to the starting point.

pple have bee telling me how fortunate i am to be able to study somemore and not sharing the family's burden finacially. to those who think they wont be able to get a degree this lifetime coz they're just not as clever as half the friends you know, please. all you need is the determination, and a little belief in yourself. really. in a place like s'pore, your IQ and hardwork is no longer an issue. money is.

--- We live in such a fast-moving society that when we are faced
with spare time the first thing that fills it is panic ---

Slow-down your life, wont you. i guess i managed to.
that explains the whole lot of crap i've posted above. right? no?

June- gone in a flash. Great. Just after i was saying i cant wait to get thru May.

I certainly hope i'm living life the way i want to - the fullest.
but i hope that doesnt mean i have to live each day as if it was my last. coz i really dont want to spend everyday of my life with relatives around my bed and a priest getting ready to do whatever's necessary.

going thru this journey slowly, steadily and surely. one step at a time i guess.

Archer:
my words are arrows and my thoughts the bow.

thinking alone wont get anything done.

words direct them towards the target.

i can tell jokes and humor pple, someone's joy.

i can say things that cause harm, someone's wound.

am in total control. thoughts and words.

take responsibility.