time, gone.

Finally found the time to visit my grandparents as well as my aunt & family.

Combed vivo for florist and bought a stalk of rose for my grandma's bdae. she's still that happy after receiving flowers from me. so i'm glad she likes it. Gifts are the best when they can make one smile. regardless of the cost. So together with an angbao and the usual extra allowance, I suppose that makes up for the lack of time to visit her after starting work in July. at least it lessen the guilt.

2 years and 7 more months to go.

God, please know that I'll like to stay strong.

Give me the serenity to be at peace with all things at all times, the courage to stand up to what I believe in, and the wisdom to ignore all the intolerables. Amen.

I can feel it

Time for a wardrobe change. and I have no idea the difference that few kilos can make.

Shocked. Everytime I was alone in the office ladies spending the precious 5 minutes to myself and scare myself half to death with the notion that something aint right. or rather, seriously wrong. I put on a piece of pants today that used to be tight, and realised that I need a belt now. I no longer use the digital weighing scale underneath the dressing table for every bit lost cant be easily gained back. and it's kinda depressing. I'm maintaining my usual diet, and might even be consuming more tidbits with the frequent snacking. And not to mention the absence of any exercise in my day-to-day life. But somehow the metabolism still remains high and the energy intake doesnt seem to be enough. The guys in the office commented that I'm scary coz I eat a lot. Like a lot. Not normal for a female. Or maybe they just havent meet that many females in the office. And yes, my manager unofficially told me today that I've became a male in my line of work. Not because I want to. But because I have to. So the expectation is kinda like: u're a female so u're expected to have the usual blah blah qualities like being meticulous and stuff, yet able to act like I have the OTHER good qualities of a male. Anyway, my hormones are kinda screwed now with the irregular sleeping pattern so maybe I do have some of those traits. I think stress is playing a rather major role in my life now that I've started working and expecations are rising, if it aint high in the first place. Struggling to make things work, all the time. and explaining for every small details that may or may not be out of my control. and if it's not. why and what could be done. I was thinking today how it used to be like, say 15 years ago when the trade was booming (it's still booming) and haven been privatised, yet. I heard stories, wonderful ones, that I hope was still on but sadly not. Then again, when money gets in the way, everything gets OUT of the way.

So today I came back from a scoring day at work and realised that even with 2 hours of sleep I can jolly well function for more than 12 hours. and find myself amazed and wondering again how far one can go. Like where exactly is the limit. Like whether the same situation will happen like playing SIMS. fatigue sets in and one drops to the ground and catch some sleep then continue to wake up and go abt their activity.

so back to the scoring thing. My morale was on a uphill hike until those damn phone calls pushed me down the ladder. not once, not twice, but numerous time. If you do well, they want better. So ultimately I'm always racing against time, and trying to beat targets time and again. when you do extremely well in one area by sacrificing something else (one's always got to prioritise stuff), they expect u to maintain the one that u sacrificed AND also do well for the 1st priority. So the grey areas just gotten bigger. and things aint black and white anymore. not that they are in the first place. but the grey got diffused, if u know what i mean.

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Wanted to bitch about work but stopped.

Didnt want to see myself whine to myself.

I'm not there yet.

Hopefully.

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some random stuff:

Mom was doing the laundry on a rainy day. and it reminded me very much of KR and seeing the crane lights in the distance shining in from my window. the same detergent smell with the cold air and the scent of fresh air in the early morning. same old same old. and i like that coz it's comforting. to an extent that i think i'm addicted. and one day when i have my own home, i'll make sure i have throws all over the house during the rainy season so i can indulge.

Got this crazy urge to go shopping. Just walk around and look at what the shops have to offer. not necessarily spending money, but just roaming the streets listening to xmas songs and people watch. Just looking at random stuff that one may or may not require. sometimes i need a warm hand to go shopping with. on rainy days especially. but things dont always go as one wants. i already have an almost non-existent social life and the shift adds on to the anti-social lifestyle i am heading towards. yeap. talk about work-life balance.

need to find another way to reconnect with myself.

A million thoughts.

and no voice to project those words.

Living makes us dumb and dumb-er.

Or rather, acting like one.

Thinking of the vacuum-packed bah kwa back in the CJ hostel looking out at flurries outside the window.. smiling at the 'coming to meet u the long way round' quick message, the funny coins required to ride in the trains there, plus the super long wait at the bus stop in the cold and the ulu bus journey to the national park in Gapsa. The can't-believe-its-true time frame with all the happy memories compact.

OK. back to reality.

Watsons is bringing in DHC. yep. I think so. The pre-marketing bottle looks like it. which means i have an alternative source of makeup remover when this runs out. lolx. no need to go to Japan or Korea to buy!

and i'm excited, not coz i can stick to my original makeup remover, but more of guessing the correct brand with one look. lolx.