Have sort of lost touch typing on my laptop.

On days when I have the luxury and the energy to look at the monitor for yet another 2 hours at leisure on top of the 12 hours i put at work are those days where life doesnt get as comfortable as i want it to, yet little adjustments seem to do good.

I know I am one big grumpy naggy person but i TRY not to repeat how dark and gloomy things are, for i know that others have problems that are just as big and dark and occupies almost all their time. but keeping things to myself aint a solution. somedays i know i'm at the point where things are threatening to overflow and really need a quick fix, like panadol but without the side effects.
those are the days where i desperately need music in my life, as well as time alone. some days on my way to and fro work I contemplate getting a music device to add joy to my life. then again, i sleep the journey away so music may not have much of a use. i have never own a music player and think that songs playing in my head is as good as those that goes in the ears. so maybe not. but i shall see how. blocking out the noise seem like a good idea, but the senses are heightened one the journey to and fro work when everyone in the same space and time as me are keeping to themselves thinking aloud and leading different lives. i find that interesting and find joy in connecting with myself, for that seems like the only time i can hear myself think. this is the problem of having a big family, someone is always ruining the peace and quiet. i, for many times, ruin it for my family. there are just too many people whose emotions one has to be sensitive about. most days i dont bother. we learn to live with it.

so enjoying the tranquility at 4 in the morning with the music playing softly in the background while i do whatever i want and the weather cool enough to not ruin my mood ends my day off perfect.

and for now, i need the motivation to put on my running shoes to get those limbs moving.

Today my colleagues were chatting on the way back from lunch and we talked about how one of our superiors, being the typical SINGLE male in his middle-late 30s. A little rounded in the middle, and slowly balding with an o-k-a-y career in an established organisation. Most probably has at least 4 out of the 5 Cs. So the question is: What are the types of females that will be attracted to him.

So that sparked off a little debate on the way females think.

so one of them was saying that unless the female is also in her 30s, the qn is out besides a partner of another nationality.
another was saying that there is a possibility since he is able to provide for whatever the partner desires.
so i was thinking. if the female has been single for awhile, working for say 5 years (still in her 20s), not as educated, and earning less than him, then it is possible.

For the world has changed. Women are as good as, if not better than men.
If my salary is comfortable enough for me to lead the kind of lifestyle that I want without a man (now), then why should I limit my options? if all else fail and nothing good goes to those who patiently wait then worse come to worse i'll fend for myself in the days to come. nothing to worry. if i earn more than a man, then i have one less thing to be afraid of.

so my colleague was saying that for females like me who just graduated, drawing a rather comfortable income, then the question is definitely out.

yep. believe in thyself, and believe in love. and since love is blind, then maybe nothing is impossible.

yep. so their next suggestion is: recruit more SINGLE females in the office.

but what they didnt know is that i have been discussing with my female colleagues and we think that is not the point. the entire place is filled with the opposite gender that doesnt attract us. so we sort of gave up on the makeup dress up for work and focus our energy on other things. no wonder i'm becoming more masculine these days. no wonder we are expected to have the meticulous nature of females in administrative tasks, and ALL the other positive aspects of males in other areas of work, like directing people and leading a team of much older men whose kids are older than us. like they say, the best of both worlds. but they forget the scales are skewed to one side, as usual.

reborn from the ashes

Just when things start to go down the wrong way.

So the same goes for those situations that seem to run out of hand when things are looking bright.

yep. Strong believer of Murphy's law here.

Some days I just think I can't manage stress to the level that I think I could, for those pent-up emotions that are just waiting for the spark to begin a roaring fire wait peacefully under the surface with cracks.

and it doesnt help that i keep looking at the OTHER side of the coin, standing at the side where the grass is parched and in need of water.

Yes, there is a price to pay for the ka-ching that's dumped into the bank account at the end of the month.

and yes, welcome to the rat race.