5th day in Seoul.

The process of burning THE hole in my pocket is fast accelerating.

The standard of living here is high, even higher than the already-quite-expensive Singapore.

FYI, my mailing address is:
Room 533B CJ International House
Korea University
Anam-dong, Seongbuk-gu
Seoul 136-701
KOREA

Dormitory number: 82-2-3290-0213
hp:+82-10-5780-7319

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The school is so damn big, and castle-like. It takes me an average of 20 minutes to walk to school via the GENTLE-R slope way and another about 5 minutes to school, and about 15 minutes via the steep-until-highly-likely-to-sprain-ankle route, which is nearer to LG-POSCO (business school). It feels kind of weird to be in such artistically designed architecture that I don't feel like I'm coming here to study at all. Am still in the traveling mode, post-work mindset that i can spend money. Have bought most of what i needed, and the giant super mart is 5 bus stops away though it costs like SGD6 to get back to the hostel (it takes me an average of 15-20 minutes to walk from the subway station to the hostel)!! so all in all maybe never save alot.. lolx..

I foresee the need to stock up on cup noodles, snacks and ready-to-microwave food (coz there's only like 2 pans in the kitchenette i think).. and lots of beverage coz the THOUGHT of STROLLING down to the cafeteria just put me off my appetite. Seriously, there isnt even a need to exercise. i figured i burn away all my calories just by traveling to school, though by right i live on school property!!!!!!

Dun get me wrong, i am grateful to get a room here coz this place is suite-like. It's like a condo, minus the swimming pool. the communal bathroom and toilet is actually only shared among 2 rooms, which is like 3 people. lolx.. they even bothered to install those condo-like door viewer thingy that u can see the visitor's face from a screen inside and press the 'door open' button or talk to the perosn outside when the equipment is like within reach to the door and it aint noise-proof. lolx.. imagine the money they spent for nothing. it doesnt improve the quality of life for students at all. maybe they can invest in more pots and pans.. lolx.. The room is spacious, and we have aircon PLUS fan. the windows actually have mosquitoes net in case we need to air the room.. they have the same type of dustbin i use at home, and i can borrow vacuum and iron from the reception. yes. they have a reception desk with security guard AND an ATM right in the lobby.

The range of beauty products is beyond imagination. Girls, if u need anything from Korea, let me know..

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School starts officially on Monday. I am soooooo looking forward to it after the long summer vacation, after the slog-until-you-think-you're-almost-dead-then-stop time. I am so going to enjoy my time here shopping and eating, and not to mention study a bit.

Dont think i'll be posting stuff here. for updates, please refer to the picture-speaks-louder-than-words-site AKA facebook.

~bye~

I'll be leaving tonight. Alone.
Going away in search of a priceless experience and knowing that i can and will only become a better person after that.

Thank God for friends that i can count on in times of trouble. PL and KH don't know exactly how grateful i am for their help and advice on KU matters when i was in Tok. If you're reading this, THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! we'll have a fantastic time in Korea, and Japan if possible..

6 days zoomed past in the blink of an eye. I barely have enough time to bask in the sun before setting off yet again. My grandma made fish head curry specially for me and my aunt whipped out a feast just because i'm back. My relatives gathered so that they can see how much i changed (or not) then wish me all the best for yet another trip.

somehow i'm missing home even though i'm physically still here. I suppose i'm already prepared for this journey psychologically. now all it takes is for my body to follow where my mind should be in the next 4 months.

I'm back pple!! back where i belong!

It's weird that nothing much changes even though i've been away for more than a hundred days. Like everything that happened in the 3 months is kind of like living in liminality, such that it's as if I skipped through that phase and return to my original lifestyle. Like none of it has ever happened, like everything is sort of a dream, something that's unexplainably far away. Maybe that happened only because I'm back where i KNOW i belong.

There's no awkward silence between conversations, no weird moments where you don't seem to know how to react or what to say. Like i've always been here though i was away.
Chatting with my mom in the kitchen rambling on and on about happenings in my life, just like i did before the trip. Bickering with my siblings on the mundane happenings- nagging my sis to turn down her laptop volume so i can sleep and ordering kheng to stop staring at the monitor and go to bed, telling my bro not to come home too late if he's out for supper and reminding my dad not to drink so much before he sleeps etc.. It is indeed strange for me that barely a month ago i was so desperate to come home. Now i'm home, finally.

Now all i need to do is to gear up for Korea, and prepare myself to be away alone again for yet another 4 months.

A million things my mind cant seem to process in this cold weather. extended period of cold makes a person withdrawn and a little depressed. Like the sun has gone into hiding and there's nth much in the atmosphere to bring smiles. it's constantly been about 7 degrees AND the constant drizzle and the wind condition add a whole load to the numbness on my skin. I look forward to morning everyday (okay, these days when i dun have to work) just so i can switch on my laptop and skype. Like no matter how unbearable things seem to be getting, it's just going to get better. it can only get better.

Just 12 more days till i return to my fav place in the entire world. back to the familiarities that i long so often, and into the arms of the one that i've been missing so dearly.

13 working days left and I'm missing sunny Singpore. The other day i caught myself humming the songs we sing come national day. Then i realised how much i miss home.

We celebrated Christmas in July this week and last night we went around the rooms distributing hot chocolate with baileys and kahlua as a touch of festive cheer with a dressed up pixie holding a portable CD player with xmas songs blasting. The three pigs tagged along and simply need to smile when the door opened and say happy holidays and merry xmas to those guests who obviously get rather excited seeing a crowd in Tok. Yes, a crowd in Tok is rare.

It got me thinking. I'll be back for Christmas this year. Seems like i'll still be in time to end off the year and get ready to start off the next at home. not at some faraway land where i don't belong.

Come August come. Can't wait much longer.

accummulated entries

Decided to upload something here instead of the shared blog which we apply the rule a-picture-speaks-a-thousand-words kinda theory. the posts that i've accummulated in the past few weeks.

16 July, AK time. 12.15am

Couldn’t get to sleep tonight. I must have over-rested today (if there’s even such a word). Woke up exceptionally early today with the excuse that I want to eat breakfast so that the girls will wake me up no matter what (or at least try their best). The motive behind that was as simple as to make sure that I’m up and about by 8 to make a phone call. The internet was down yesterday and I was worried that I couldn’t get in touch via skype, msn or phone call (My US calling card has a 1 minute talktime!)

And boy, wasn’t the 2 of them surprised when I could drag myself out of bed after sleeping like 3 hours and still look awake and not complaining that it’s cold.

Happy Happy Birthday!

I KO-ed at 10, totally zonked out and not even remembering to drink swiss miss. Drifted in and out of sleep with Ditty and Jena talking outside. Was in a dazed when I FINALLY woke up at 4.15pm. the amazing thing is, I dozed off right after dinner while waiting for Jo to finish using the internet. Like thanks! How much of a pig I can be.

I’ve never looked forward to a full day of slacking as much as today. You have no idea how much just lazing around as taken a whole new meaning with the crazy workload we sort of innocently drag ourselves down with. I’ve no idea I am and can be that hardworking. To me, 10-12 hours shifts are manageable given that I have ample rest AND that the work is relatively easy. It never crossed my mind that spending 17-18 hours of my waking moment in a day for work is feasible at all, and manual work at that. That is, before I even know Tok exists.

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Work is beginning to take its toll, if it hasnt.
Making beds has scale new heights and will never be the same again.
Been thinking that all these while all I wanted was a change. Some out of the ordinary adventure that enables me to test my limits and see how far I can go, alone.

We’re more than halfway through this journey.
It’s an experience which I doubt I’ll forget and it’s something I don’t mind going through again in a different way when I’m older. When I can travel comfortably onboard the cruises and come to Tok as a stopover destination, enjoying all that it has to offer.

This season, I got all that I wanted. I got this. THIS.
Someone put me in a place so inaccessible and unheard of I reckon only a handful of people in Singapore knows about it.
Someone up there IS testing my limits, for real, for He has been pushing me to my limits regarding extreme weather conditions and cuisines.
I’m going through what and how it feels like being the minority national and racial group. Back where I belong, I always stand with the people at the longest line.

Living independently was what I dreamt of when I was younger. I thought I knew about the downside of freedom and standing on my own feet. Now I know that there’re no loved ones to turn to when I am feeling down, no one to make decisions that are good for me and forces me to follow, no one that detects firsthand that I ain’t in the best condition. It’s so reassuring having family and friends around you that you know can and will reach out to you without second thought when you need help, and simply just be there for you, not ten thousand miles away. As the Chinese saying “yuan shui jiu bu liao jing huo” goes, it’s nice for them to be there, but they cant really help much due to the distance.

The other day I kept thinking of tourism sociology during work at snow shoe -the concept of people travelling. That thought kept running through my mind. People go away so that they can better appreciate what they have when they return. I too, believe we all go away in search of what we are too blinded to see when we are in our comfort zones. To be grateful for what we have and where we belong, or MORE thankful for all that we have. The opportunity to go away, the option that is free for us to choose. Seems like sometimes we go in search of freedom only to realise at the end of the day that we want to be where things seem to be restricted, where the start and the heart is- home. Everyone can live alone, I can too. But given a choice, I definitely don’t and won’t want to.

Have always thought of myself as someone independent and being able to take care of myself but when left alone, I go into this state of helplessness. Then I remember a particular point that Prof. Lim mentioned. Some concept on self helplessness, something about social support I think… This job gives me so much time to ponder that I am able to see the bigger picture and actually fit what I learnt into the mundane happenings. From what was taught in ops, about how JIT came about, the underlying concepts behind The Goal; what matters ultimately is to maximise the ENTIRE supply chain, and not simply maximising individual’s department because by focusing on the various departments the supply chain will NEVER be operating at its optimal. So when I was making beds, and hearing supervisor saying over the walkie to get us to go strip a particular room when we were doing something else and following their command will most certainly result in downtime of at least 10-15 minutes, I was shaking my head and thinking why don’t these people go back to school and learn through concepts that by doing what is logical ALL THE TIME does not necessarily means that they are always doing the right thing.

Not only that, I thought of concepts like JIT and RFID when inventory (the necessary evil) becomes a BIG issue on site. They have boxes of past years stock of products lying in the shed and taking up so much space, and they apply the FIFO method for inventory management. That means that every year, the establishment is simply utilising OLD OLD stock while placing orders for current year’s products. That means that no matter how long this place is going to be in business, they will always be using old stuff that never seem to run out. So I wonder if any of them has EVER been through college or even appropriate training. Don’t any of them know about writing off stuff that has little or no value to the organisation (especially the accounting department!!). and they actually do stock count at the end of the season for every single item they have, including pens! So what is RFID for huh? Plus I certainly have lots to say about their management skills. So I reckon none of them has been through management classes for they have absolutely no idea about human resource management, and that in THIS century people management is of utmost importance to every organisation. That is in addition to the fact that retaining and motivating staff should be the underlying goal (especially so for service sector) as it is the staff that provides the thing that they are selling and the thing that determines the quality of work produced. And haven they heard of Ron Kraufman -the service guru that mentioned that internal guests are as important or even more important as external guests? (and I learnt that in poly!) And being staff and internal customers of an organisation, shouldn’t we be treated with a little more respect and understanding? They must get it in their heads that this is not a factory that they’re running here. Operation is all about tackling the everyday challenges that does not run on clockwork. And that, is the beauty of ops. If they can’t see it, then sadly they will never enjoy this industry, and maybe they shouldn’t be here.

I’m so glad I have the chance to go through business communications to know more about dealing with people of other cultures. That there are people who live in other parts of the world and leading lifestyles that are vastly different and we have to be more sensitive, forgiving and understanding. That is what we all have to learn as the world gets smaller through globalisation. That is what people living in the nation where most other from the rest of the world thinks is THE superpower must start to be aware of. They’re lagging behind while the rest of the world catches up. Soon they’ll find themselves like frogs thinking that the sky is only as big as it looks from the bottom of the well.

We’re all not so different from one another. We live and we die. We go to places to start anew or find our pasts. We ponder lots and we stand by our beliefs. By chance (and choice) we end up meeting. As our paths crossed, shouldn’t we be kinder to one another? I think the world has enough misery to last a millennium and it’s a fact that I don’t plan to fly ten thousand miles here to be in a worse state than back home. For once I am sure that I will return a much better person. Let’s just wait and see.

July 5th 14:29 24th consecutive day
It’s my last day working at snow-shoe motel and as with all farewells, my mood plunges like never before. And the phone call in the morning certainly aids in the gloominess, so work didn’t really go as planned. I ended work early today, for things don’t seem to go right. I have no idea if Candy was irritated because we are leaving after joining them for such a short time or that the issue of requesting for someone to stand in for tomorrow frustrates her on top of that. Anyway, it doesn’t matter no more.

Have been waiting for mom and dad to call since the last conversation, which was like more than a week ago. I really dislike it when I waited, and waited, and waited and no call came. And I hate it when people get my hopes high then don’t deliver. I prefer the underpromise-overdeliver kinda situation and have always thought of the phrase “aim for the moon for at least you’ll land among the stars” bullshit. Aim low-ER so that the euphoria will be tons better if you scale expectations.

It doesn’t help that the internet connection is down for what seems like eternity and it felt (and still feels like) I lost contact with the rest of the world stuck in this place. My calling card is officially down to ONE miserable minute of talk time, which is approximately the time taken to connect the call and say “hello! Can you hear me? Hello? HELLO? Can call me back? My card is running out of minutes!” ARGH.
Being in such a place and feeling like that makes me claustrophobic. Like the world seems confine. MY world.

Anyway, back to the call from Mom and Dad, have been waiting for updates from them just to know that everyone’s fine and things are “as usual”. I don’t want to hear that something unexpected happen when I’m away. Call me selfish, but I want to be there for every single moment (good AND bad) and situation that happen. That’s what being family is for. Sharing moments. And I don’t want to miss any of it. Called them in the morning before work and got to know that they tried calling but cant seem to connect the call using calling cards. So dad used his cell phone and yep. The usual yadaa yadaa- which I find oddly comforting.

There’s always the moments after I hang up a call whereby I’ll just sit while the seconds tick by with thoughts and emotions suddenly gushing up from nowhere. I have no idea if that happens coz my mind cant process information (not fast enough anyway) when I’m listening or in a conversation so things happen in sonic speed during the silent aftermath. The same goes for today. I found myself staring into space with a million thoughts running through my mind at 8. The good thing is, chef Selvy made sunnyside up for bfast. It’s the FIRST whole egg I had in 2 months! And You have no idea how an egg can make me feel so much better just because it is one of the comfort food.

stuck @ Tok

I'm in Tok, but apparently they've never heard of unlimited internet.. so it's a monthly subscription thingy such that even single byte counts..

Anyway, the following is a blog my friends and i created, but doubt there'll be pics anytime soon coz of the limited byte thingy.. lolx..

http://stuckhere-tok.blogspot.com/

The Last Frontier

PJ in Alaska. Someone who is afraid of the cold living in one of the coldest cities in the world. Sounds like a joke.

The weather is getting colder i think. Or maybe I've just been hiding in the hotel room where there's entertainment AND heater. There's no fridge in the hotel room, which pretty much shows how cold their weather here is. We opened the window slightly, and placed milk and fruits on the ledge. and amazingly, that functions as well as a square box below the TV.

You cant possibly imagine how elated i am when we realised that internet access is available in-room, FOC. coz it was stated that not all guest rooms get free wireless coz some places it's not detectable. like wth.

The hours spent in Seattle was unforgettable. A reminder of how safe Singapore is. Amazingly, we spent like more than 17 hours in Seattle roaming the streets and slacking at the airport. It isnt so fun when we cant shop and the shops are closed and what's on the streets are those homeless, if not drunkards, or a clique of pple who looks like they don't have a decent job and aint schooling.

Anyway we arrived safe and sound in Fairbanks, where the days are much longer than the night. It looks like afternoon all day long and the darkest moments are those at 2-3am, navy blue sky. I find myself energetic, which is amazing. Like i've red bull with me all day long.

Wont be updating. Keep a lookout for photos in facebook peeps. Take care! i miss all of you!!

29-04-2008

29th April:

There's this sense of direction-less after MA paper today, like nothing i do will ever concern what I've learnt. As if two parallel lines will run into infinity. I'll cope with the helplessness and feeling of emptiness somehow. and this time round it's so much more bearable.

I'll be leaving next friday. In 10 days time i'll wave farewell to all that i love and embark on a journey with the return tix set for over a hundred days away. Somewhere where help is a phone call away, but different time zones. I suppose i'll get through it, but whether i'll spend a good many days thinking about the sunny singapore and its habitants i dunno.. but i suppose feeling cold AND alone makes any situation seems worse than it is, if it isn't so in the first place. aint going to trouble myself thinking of the what-ifs. coz i know that it's something i want to do, regardless of what happened or not along the way.

Living life the way i feel like in any point in time IS living life to the fullest. yes, and we can always believe in the better tomorrows if all else fails..

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm

Chanced upon Boon's blog.
He got this quote from Winston Churchill that says:

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm

I guess sometimes we all require quotes to keep the fire burning despite the pouring rain.. Need them on days where i feel down in the dumps.. Might not help much, but serve as a reminder.

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Last day at CQ.. Made a last minute sale that resulted in an additional $4 commission, on the last minute of the day where i'm supposed to say sayonara. Can't believe that it's already been half a year from the day i started out, and that soon i'll have to move out of hall back home and gear up for US. 15 weeks of staying in hall and a week or so more before i move out. As with every decision i made, the experience is vastly different compared to what I'd have done so given that i chose something else. and sometimes there is no option. no visible one at least, or that some other is so bright that it overshadows the rest.

so like what jess advised, what could be worse?
making a choice and regretting or regretting not making that choice?

In my case, there is nothing to argue for or against.
I've already stepped into the light, leaving the shadows behind.

There are things that I'd gladly shed tears for, even after seeing it repeated times. and yes, that applies to emails as well.

I suppose when you see the picture behind the words that are able to evoke emotions that you don't realise you are capable of possessing there and then, your mind releases itself of all the logics that is guarding our actions and do just what it wants.

BL is coming back today, for good. Back to the sunny island where we all call home, and where loved ones are just a stone's throw away. Back where one can seek help with the dial of a few numbers and garner social support as and when needed. Back, where we know we belong.

HOME --> NDP song

Fading =

This is not the first time. That primary school friend was one of those who remembers me as "the one who run very fast." Seriously i wonder how exactly i should react, think or feel. To a certain extent, I suppose letting people remember some kind of achievement is better than them saying stuff like "you're the crybaby," or "the one with the gundoo head," or even "the girl who always kanna detention." Then again, I can't exactly admit that I'm elated with people remembering stuff that they themselves don't recall. So maybe if they tell me the exact year and event, i might be thrilled due to the surprise.

Maybe it's jsut that i am disappointed with the applause that fades with the passing of time, and not so much about actually minding what others think of me.

Nothing is impossible

So soon we'll see cases of dehydration INDOORS. Like wth is wrong with this freaking weather?! With motivation at its trough, I'm so glad I'll be away for the summer.

ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH.

There goes. Feeling much better.

With the exams drawing near, I know that I'm one step away from living life in the liminal. Thrilled that it takes so little to experience a threshold, and a great one at such. The scene with everyone bowed in deep thoughts, in the same place, at the same time, for the same purpose, is something that I wish can be replicated somewhere else, many times over.

As with all other things that made me want to be someone that aint always with the majority, I guess the trip to Alaska somehow tangibalise what i desire. Hearing Wilson talked about disenchantment and enchantment of society and such, then complemented by the movie Big Fish, sparked off some thoughts that expanded in a million directions.

Maybe what I've been seeking is that out of the world, extraordinary stuff that can truly be experienced when you're not in your comfort zone. I don't mean that it's impossible to undergo such emotions in our mundane lives as I think we somehow always manages to seek magical moments despite everything remaining status quo. As the saying goes:

It's hardest to love the ordinary things, she said,
but you get lots of opportunities to practice.

The little things matter, but the impact is greater at times where situations render one helpless or made one think and feel in ways that is not like usual.

Sitting in the comfort of one's home, ready to venture to the other side of the world where everything is unfamiliar. Taking with me all the riches i have, venturing to the unknown searching for intangibles.

Been thinking. Fear? Maybe. But i figured it's high time I take some (more) risks. Staying on safe shores doesn't help much in building my navigation skills, and i can't set sight on the sea if i don't lose sight of the shore.

Getting away from dependent-independence. Learn to make it on my own. Making my own decisions, testing my limits. That way, I'll know for certain that i can definitely rely on myself if need be in future. As what my grandma had said, "The only person you can ever trust is yourself. Be the only one that is indispensable to yourself. " and with all the literature on how values are inculcated strongest in the young, I've come to accept that as the 'norm,' the 'right' way to behave. It doesn't matter that maybe some other ways are better, or IF the situation render some other behaviors appropriate. I do what i believe is based on MY principles. and if I'm doing what I think is right, it shouldn't bother any other.

Exams are coming, as with all the responsibilities that i know i'll have to face in the near future. The period of time in the entire year which i find intriguing, where things seem like fireworks in the sky or a Charlie Chaplin movie. Embracing all that life has to offer, NOW.

When judgment goes wrong and inaction speaks louder than action

When doing what seems right (appropriate) seems wrong, or not preferred.

Knowing what's right, and doing.

Been rather irresponsible lately, putting things off procrastinating.
Like how I've always been, like what I've always loathed.

Rationalising,.
Neutralising
Normalising.
Generalising
Minimising.

Walking along the scales, still.

Socializing newcomers into corrupt acts using cooptation, incrementalism and compromise practices

Cooptation= rewards used to induce change in attitude towards unethical behavs. subtle coz inds may nt realise how the rewards hav induced them to resolve ambiguity that pervades issues in a manner that suits their self-interests.

incrementalism= gradually introduced to corrupt acts. initially induced to perform something that is slightly deviant, then inds quickly grab at the available rationalisations offered by peers to reduce dissonance. Then as they come to accept the acts as normal, they are introduced to another more corrupt act, with the attendant rationalisations.

Compromise= Individuals back into corruption through attempts to resolve pressing dilemmas, role conflicts and other intractable problems.

newcomers are more likely to accept corrupt acts as justifiable if not desirable if they perceive that they choose their own curse of action.

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Irritating. Selfish human nature.

Don't want to feel guilty. So push the blame to others. Make up lies to fake innocence.
YET want to be in control. Want to feel that they have a choice BUT if it's justifiable AND I'm-not-at-fault-someone-else-is mindset is/can be in place, i don't mind..

Option: Chop off my nose

A-Choo.

Don't like it when my eyes are forced to remain small due to non-stop sneezing, and not because i am lazy to open my eyes when i'm wearing specs.
Don't like it when my brain forgets how something smells like due to nose malfunction.
Don't like it when I kept waking up in the middle of the night due to lack of oxygen.

Slept with the air-condition on last night. That makes it a record 6 months of sleep with fresh air, the first night of this year with fake cool air throughout the night and i suppose my nose is procrastinating due to the lack of ventilation with the poor air circulation last night.

The poor sleep quality gives me a reason to want to head back to hall soon to catch up on sleep. Decided to wake up early and slack around since i cant sleep anyway. Then the sun got to glare in my face as i sit TRYING to read. like thanks.

So now i'm in a foul mood coz it's Sunday, the hot and humid weather makes me irritated, my body aint functioning well since my nose and eyes are not in their best condition. AND i cant do any work despite me (finally) wanting (needing) to.

Freedom is just another word for people to find out you're useless

I love Dilbert and his work-life comics.. they remind me that i'm sane.

Dad came to fetch me from hall... He looks every bit like the sole breadwinner of the family. Sole breadwinner of a family of 6, with 4 children still schooling and requiring yusof ishaks, loads.
Seeing him like that made me realize i have no valid reason to be tired and sleepy. i am not entitled to even FEEL tired. comparing my workload to his is liken to making mountain out of molehill. and the older i get, the more i think it's time for me to have my fair share of the Vitamin M weight.. Mom has been complaining of aches and such again.. There's this unspeakable pain that forces me to sit up and think, that maybe it's not so much that i'm grown up now. It's more of my parents getting older as i am growing up. and there will come a time when i need to and must be dependable enough (i really hope so)..

One more year. Just one more year.. One more year till i am ready to charge head on to the rat race and ensure that there's more than enough money to go around at home..

and this is the kind of period i dislike. Of the 'i-wish-i-were' and 'how-good-it'd-be-ifs' about being born rich, or as an only child. which i think are evil thoughts. How can I overlooked how fortunate i am when i just reinforced that thought in a matter of hours?

seems like i really need someone dependable to reassure, reinforce and remind me when my brain seems to be led by my emotions, and not-so-positive ones as such..

One most be exceptionally positive and accommodating to suit the position of a caregiver.

For the sick who is seeking attention, you need to take care of her needs AND display genuine concern, not displeasure. therefore what nurse lim did was great. He made her seemed like a princess, really. waited on her for all her ridiculous requests like asking for cold water every couple of minutes, served, on a rainy day that chilled my bones. while we stood around trying to keep out of the way and at a loss as to what to do next, he jokingly explained that she was just seeking attention. so no worries.. and maybe TCS can hire her as an artiste next time. that, is reassuring to a bunch of uni students who got no experience with whatever that happened.. and i am full of respect for caregivers. For their compassionate nature, never-say-never spirit and patience with patients.

Amazed at how some people can be so full of life and so passionate about their job. started thinking of why i cant be one of them. just when i got myself started on the spin off of negativity, i got this through one of the horoscope predictions in my email inbox.

Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. This is one of those times. Stop telling yourself you're not good enough to win someone's heart or talented enough to land a particular job. These subliminal messages will affect the public's view of you. If you're really down in the dumps, go to friends and relatives for an ego boost. Ask them to list your five best qualities and pin them up where you'll see them every day.

^.^ so maybe someone would like to start first. I need 5 best qualities yah.

Racing against time

Going steamrolling ahead till 29 April.

Have yet to find time to apologise and explain to Von AND Connie that i won't be working all the way till the end of exams, which by then I prolly wouldnt and couldnt be working due to preparations for Alaska, AND that i cant continue working AFTER i return as i need to fly off to Korea soon after. It's like no matter how i see it, i cant even convince myself that what i say is logical. How are they then able to find another part-timer in such a short time? that i've only been working for half a year then i'll be leaving? and it's not easy that another colleague is pregnant and will be taking leave for a couple of months, Von will be leaving her position for school if she gets in, and i wont be around to even help cover. The boss now needs to recruit 2 full-timer and one part-time staff, coz we'll all be away at the crucial period. Like thanks.

I tried not to let guilt affect my decisions, especially at this crucial period. Been feeling so guilty not working at least once every week at CQ and convincing myself that i deserve a break, especially when it's the end of the week where i can return to my favourite place in the entire world.

At this point in time, i wish i were born with a silver spoon. Where money appears magically some way or another without the need for trade off using time and energy. I could do with some more time in life, we all could. and the fact remains that this is just a dream, for this is Singapore i'm talking about duh!

Turned Topsy Turvy.

Work was good, and even better now that I've heard the pleasant comments.
Like i say, positive feedback and affirmation always brighten up one's day.
and i suppose i need it this week.

I'm kind of glad i'm going away soon. Need somewhere which i can experience liminality save for dreams, and leave worries to the better tomorrows.

Yep. Fake like you're friendly. Fake like i can even be bothered. Like thanks.

and don't try to spoil my mood coz i'm heading home for the weekend. Wait a day if you wish.

I'm perfectly fine.

Lack of sleep. headache.
Procrastinating. headache.
After exercising. headache.
Eat too full. headache.
Deadlines. headache.
Weather. headache.
Presentations. headache.
Tutorials. headache.
Anxious. headache.
Quizzes. headache.

When the familiar gets mundane, find zest in life.

Woke up with an empty stomach AND found breakfast within 50 steps of my room.
Extremely motivated today despite the lack of sleep. Guess nothing can go wrong when the day started off great.

and the perfect way to end the day is to step out of hall and go for a jog to hear and reorganise my thoughts. so i shall do so later.

rearranging my mind so that there'd be room for him to stay.

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There's this thing about home that put me entirely at ease. and all i wanna do is to laze around enjoying the comfort. No wonder i can't get any work done at home.

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Schedule packed for the week leading up to the exams. Planning to see if i am able to thrive under pressure, whether performance is positively correlated to the amount of time till deadlines. and seriously, i can foresee that the zombie with failed eye makeup is going to return. have to find a way to let Von knows that i will TRY my very best to fit work into my schedule, maybe head down on Fri, and stay in for the weekend. RAH.

Biz comm presentation next week,
HRM, OB and MA presentation week 12.
HRM ind response paper due week 12.
PMM and MA presentation in week 13.
HRM group report submission due week 13.
End of term OB quiz week 13.
PMM end of sem test week 13.
OB report due week 14.
Biz comm end of sem test week 14.

ARGH.. Faintz.

Time to oil the gears and start moving. I'll work on biz comm first. One step at a time i guess.

Picked up the motivation to jog recently.

An outlet. For the confusion and mental fatigue.

The only time when i can clear my mind, keep my mouth shut, yet feel unrestricted and free. and i always feel so so much better after, that i wondered what made me less than happy then.

Chamomile supply running low.. and anticipating the need to get more before the semester ends.

Distracted

Distracted. really. and at a loss as to what to do.
At the same time I sense independence slipping away.
So what am i to do if there's no one else to turn to?

My mind was empty all morning. and i screwed up at the subject pool. I have no idea why the hell i'd make the decision to offer 6 when i could have said 4 or even 2. It's really really illogical. Guess i wasnt thinking right today.

-------------- fast forwarding---------------------------

Someone is ignoring me. =(

and it doesnt help that i've work buried up till my neck so much so that it takes all my energy not to suffocate. am trying real hard to obtain school-life-work balance, and the irony is that i seem to be set for failure.

so i have to keep convincing myself.
that i am strong. i am STRONG. i AM STRONG. I AM STRONG.

Rearranging my mind so that there'd be room.

and it's hard to say the right words without practice.

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Down with MS analysis. Did whatever i can with the resources on hand. Will have to leave the rest till i get back to hall: War-zone. zonked. at least i got started. Group proj next.

Feel trapped in a space with air getting thinner, breathing getting heavier. Wanted to go on a online video streaming marathon to clear my mind but figured i wont be able to do anything constructive if i got started on that. i'll be swimming in tears next week if that was the choice i made. So i figured i still have a bit of sanity in me.

Sat behind the wheels today and that activity killed the least brain cells. that is, in addition to sleeping.

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Glad i met up with Ching, Jas and WL last week, and Alvin on Fri night.
Missed catching up with old friends and striking a conversation as if we have been constantly meeting up. Spare me the awkward conversation-starters that make me feel like doing a self-intro again. With them there's no need to do so, and knowing that everyone's doing well sort of motivates me to strive on with what i have, towards what i want. and that's exactly what i need now. source of motivation.

It's Week-H for me all the way till study week.. BRING IT ON!!

Putting thoughts into perspective

Buried neath the heap of assignments.
it doesnt help that i am working against time, not WITH it. ARGH.
and it doesnt make sense that the effort i put in is not positively correlated to the work presented, especially when group mates conveniently deleted the part you edited AND only informed you half an hour prior to report submission.

It's a miracle i'm still sane and my hair is still intact.

My laptop is procrastinating. It only allows normal functionality for 5 minutes tops, from startup. and i think i am so going to blow up if i send it for repair and they insist that there's no problem. great. just when i needed it most. ARGH.

and it seems like the perfect time for Microsoft, gates, allen, ballmer to drive me crazy too. dfaf;sa;lgfslk;n

Organization of thoughts seems so much easier when i put them down in writing. at least i know that i WILL BE in deep shit if i continue procrastinating and indulging in the weekend mood.

Random

Thought material possession signifies that i am normal (in econs term) and that in any situation, i will want more of something. Seems like i was wrong.

Been seeking for tangible wants to remind myself that i am just like any other only to realise that what i am seeking dont seem to be tangible. I don't suppose that i am THAT indifferent, but then again, i cant find a good enough explanation for my perceptions.

I've brought a pier to hall yesterday.
The quilt cover reminds me of home, where the heart and the start is.
A place to return.

Seriously, i have no idea just how long more it'll take for me to be independent judging from my dependence on others. What will i do when the source of strength is gone?

Learning to make it out on my own. Standing on my two feet. making my own decisions, choosing my own destiny. Have been doing that since young, just that the older i get, though i am nearing the end, the consequences seem so much more severe.

Plagued by the listlessness syndrome recently, like witnessing the bull's eye fading out.. and it takes all my energy just to stay on track.
For the record, I am not complaining. I don't recall any other moments where i seem to be living life the way i am now, and i still stand by my belief that everything happens for a reason- just that some take a longer time to surface.

and it's so wonderful to have a comfort spot near. seems like nothing is impossible now.

random

Amazed at my topsy turvy living style recently. Guess we must experience the extremes more frequently to better appreciate how great life is when everything is in order.

Putting my problems at bay with sensibility and maturity as trade offs ain't really something i consider logical, and i swear i am never going to go over my limit the next time, if i can help it.

Over-indulged: because i trust that there is someone who can take care of me

Sigh. Now i feel so silly. shldnt have convinced myself to follow my heart.

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Met up with 150+ - BL today.
The usual exchange of info on topics which we never seem to run out of, made me realised just how important communication is, with words or without. and how good it is to feel comfortable around each other even in periods of silence.

En route the future

I'm learning how to flap now that I've made the decision to take the leap of faith and definitely need to believe that i will be able to build my wings on the way down.

I guess what i am seeking for the past few days was exactly what BL was searching for- reassurance that i am making the right decision.

Then again, what is right is subjective. So well, i suppose sometimes we (I) just need others to remind me that what's awaiting at the finishing line is the ribbon and NOT anything else. Definitely not an invitation to a never-ending marathon.

Aint quite myself recently. I guess going home after staying out for 2 whole weeks only to see them for a day and coming back to hall makes me even more homesick compared to seeing them for 3 days a week. so I fathom absence really makes the heart fonder.

The load on my mind this semester outweighs the past 3 semesters combined. After making
the decision to take on more responsibility, i realised just how much that issue has been lingering in my subconscious all the while, surfacing constantly at the most inappropriate time, like during periods of higher stress or fatigue level. I can't get out of the trapped frame of thought, that horrible cycle that seems to rotate endlessly, like how my mind has became.

But no worries. this time round I AM going to forcefully stop the scales from swaying (again). and just like the many other times that i did, i KNOW that everything is going to turn out fine. So much for being wishy-washy.

When i say nothing matters, i guess sometimes i mean it as an unconventional point of view. Nothing matters meaning EVERYTHING matters so much so that even nothing matters.

Behind the line, awaiting the right time to take the leap of faith and in the process of accumulating courage.

Sometimes i really feel like slapping myself, at least that might be able to serve as a wake up call.
and there is no dilemma to begin with. NOT at all. I made the decision before i turned 21, and has been working hard towards it after knowing what i want then. Now that i am THIS close to grasping that bright shining star, i start having reservations.. Feels EXACTLY like being on the starting line during sports day waiting for the guest-of-honor to pull the trigger to begin the race. After working hard to be qualified to compete in the finals, suddenly you start having doubts and then go on to thoughts on giving up, even before the race begins.

It's kinda hard to explain why. I have no idea where the confidence and optimism went. I guess i'm afraid, that i cannot live up to expectations, of not being good enough. that the luck that i've had all these years might just run out when i needed it most. and it's kinda annoying that a person with internal locus of control starts faltering and allow extrinsic influences to take over.

Fickle-minded. what if i realise that my passion lies somewhere ELSE after this semester? what if there are better opportunities out there? what if i am limiting myself way too much and viewing the world from the bottom of the well? then again, i applied when i am barely halfway through BECAUSE i believe my future self will be able to handle come what may. Now that i am IN the future, i find myself stuck despite my confidence and strong belief then.

Everyone has been encouraging, and i think that i'm damn lucky. BUT what if, what if it isnt meant to be? that means i have to live 1000 days in misery. not that i cant overcome that (my mom has been extremely optimistic, telling me that if i cant handle it, no one will be able to), but i don't think i want to put myself through that.

One educator changed my life. ONE. in barely a semester. and in today's OB class, VL was saying that how things turn out in life is based on the choices that you make 90% of the time, which is dependent on the 10% events that will happen anyway.

It's the choices we make that determine who we are today. so back to the topic, should i take another step forward into the glaring light though i cant see what's ahead?

i suppose the truth is sitting on a fence, again.

no Pinocchio feel this time round, and the fact that i didn't really answer her question makes no difference. silence gives pple the freedom to interpret in whatever way they want to, especially when the subject doesn't really seem to care.

Holding a conversation

It's not merely an exchange of words, it should be an exchange of ideas and perceptions.
(at least to me)

so lesson of the day: Do not engage in mindless chatter.

the lean far out entry. and I fell. so i better be careful of my thoughts. and that's a crazy thought, to be careful of thinking of what i think. whatever~

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Home sweet home~ It's so comfortable being at home, acting like a pampered child and behaving like a radio. *laughs

so dreading work tomorrow. so so so so so so so so so so so so so dreading work tomorrow.
Work = lesser time with my family = try to feel less guilty due to the heap of seemingly endless To-Dos that has yet to be started. but that doesnt mean that i am unhappy, coz it's PAYDAY, though it's only that miserable sum due to that 2 pathetic working days the entire of last month. but hey, I could do with a LITTLE more yusof ishaks u know.. muahaha...

I'm going to have to prioritise schoolwork this coming week before everything else, yes, even work. Schedule's out for the week.

Monday: Read biz comm case studies,
do evaluation with the girls,
finish my backlog of OB readings AND
prepare for HRM presentation

Tuesday: Meet the Ward 12 pple,
prepare for OB meeting

Wednesday: Health screening
OB proj meeting,
SEP briefing
REVISE for MA mid-term

Thursday: Last minute revision for MA,
biz comm meeting after cls,
archery training,
go through purchasing materials

Friday: Make my way to Clarke Quay for work then return home, hopefully whole and good.


Gosh~ I'm so going to make myself sick so i have an excuse to sleep (more). and i think i really need to put on some weight. I look terrible these days, like an un-energetic walking zombie with failed eye makeup. Tonic maybe, or more alcohol to ensure a good night sleep.

Noctural stories

The night shift attachment was a sight indeed. I am only as tall as the wheels of the smallest crane. Been aboard the mighty quay cranes ytd and maneuvering the spreader that can lift 60 tonnes of stuff in 4 directions and the entire equipment to the next berth, with the privilege of sitting at the control seat of the specialist and on board the vessel's desk and navigation room. PMing the prime movers, selecting the job sequence, job scheduling at the whiskies room AND going round with the area IC enable me to see the entire operations in a 360 degrees view. It's amazing how details are being factored into a gigantic operation on a scale unimaginable. One just cant help feeling insignificant in that environment.

Most who know about it look at me with green eyes. I know i should be proud of myself. But somehow the more approval and encouragement i get, the more i start to doubt. being skeptical and then coming to terms and really believing is a hurdle. Others most probably wont have that difficulty. so i know it's just me.

Despite being a little baffled (just a little), i keep reminding myself that it's a rare opportunity to be able to do what i've always wanted, and be part of where i think i want to belong. and not just the yusof ishaks dangling at the end of the rainbow.

Digression...
Night cycling with the KR peeps last night. the first time i went night cycling, i missed biding round 1A and ended up taking only 4 modules in a semester coz i fell asleep and was outbidded. Not a very good experience fighting for modules in the later rounds so maybe that explains my reservations regarding going on a two-wheel ride. This time round, my left knee got scraped. The last time i had an abrasion was in primary school when i fell while walking. Kids just dont have a good sense of balance. I guess not having enough sleep puts my balancing ability on the same scale as toddlers. Seriously, i am lost- what do people do to treat abrasion? leave it alone? yeah. so much for being in SJAB.

I've never been a good cyclist, never am and never will be. But the best part of cycling is that you know that there is no way you can fall off unless you stop peddling. so no worries about not being able to balance, coz everyone can- just that sometimes you balance on your butt. Oh.. and the amazing feeling of hearing the wind. being alone, hearing your thoughts loud and clear enveloped in the wind. I like being at the back, coz i believe that slow and steady wins the race so taking risks are well, just not my style. Then again, sometimes i think i just have to take the leap pf faith and build my wings on the way down.

Yeah. so back to the topic, i think i'll step across the line and go charging into the storm. there might be two pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Happy recess week. yeah, as if.

I ended off the week with a never-ending checklist of to-dos. ARGH.
but i guess everyone's pretty much the same, so live with it.

No more part-time work till i find the time to complete those dreaded assignments, never-ending readings and maybe start revising MA should i want to stop accumulating those should-be-forsakens.

and i guess i'm a little homesick. at least i missed home-cooked food and dread doing the laundry! so i've been thinking: Everyone can live alone. it's just that we don't want to.

random. random. random. It's irritating when i got loads to clear yet somehow the procrastination trait turns dominant. Like wth.

I remember moments and events, NOT dates. and i am absolutely amazed when people tell me they remember the exact date we met, or my birthday with just a glance.

for the hundredth time, i must declare that Numbers just assume a supportive role in my life, so i'm bad with sums, dates and grades!!

It takes that little effort to brighten someone's day, coz my cousin just did it. with a one-liner.

THE ART OF RATIONALISATION

When opportunity comes knocking, do you:
1) keep the door shut
2) open it wide
3) peep through the door viewer

Reservations due to a couple of foreseen circumstances, and more to come i guess.
and it doesn't help that I seem to be treading on thin ice ever since the start of the semester.

Divided as to which side of the fence i should lean towards. or rather, whether i should advance forward despite knowing that gravity might just cause whatever that's supporting me to give way.

My brain seems to have a mind of its own recently, and so i've been putting things off to the better-tomorrows so to speak.

Overwhelmed. So maybe i shouldn't describe mono mono to Ching when she asked. It isnt like the session we attended in TP where i said P=peaceful. but being equipped with the art of rationalisation (i think), i guess i can continue to believe in myself.

Received a surprise call from Ms. Teoh in the afternoon. It's more of the i-m-looking-for-you-to-fill-a-position kinda call instead of a call to ask how i'm doing. I've never been on great terms with her and she's always been a superior in my eyes. Never a friend-friend kinda relationship and i think she lived with my not-so-sociable personality compared to the rest of FO just because i know what needs to be done and am pretty much the only one who'll do the stuff that the rest will complain doing.. Her honey-coated words then, and now. It's nice to know that despite assuming insignificant roles throughout my internship, part-time stints and temp contracts, someone out there notices my effort and thinks of me when they need a quick solution.

Maximizing throughput by subordinating stuff around the bottleneck and i happened to be the additional equipment on hand. Sometimes i look at my friends who are still in the hospitality industry in awe and envy, on how they managed to overcome the there's-no-need-to-look-beyond-the-surface situations in the industry, their undying passion in the trade, and how much they really enjoy what they're doing.

Sometimes i look back and wonder just how i'll turn out IF i accepted the many different offers back then. Back at the place where efforts don't get appreciated, and even if they do it's always too late. If only i took up the Rev exec position then. I may well by flying to establishments in the region a couple of times a year. and i admit it was pretty tempting to start my career with a job that comes with business trips and i remembered Mr. Rum telling us that for a woman to succeed in the business world, it's essential that she needs to be able to eat alone. coz that may well be the most common activity on a long business trip. VL was talking about Maslow in OB cls today and she was saying that it's funny how some people places so much emphasis on self-esteem and belonging needs that they'd rather go hungry than to eat alone and satisfy the most basic need- food. and it aint no surprise that i follow the 5-tier rule closely. since the big 5 shows that i'm a high C, again.

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I've forgotten just how easy it is to reflect when there's someone to share the ongoings.. so Ching, when KS isnt free, rmbr i'm just a phone call away..
and thanks Wilson, for letting me see out of the box ever so often. =)

I find myself walking along the scales, still.
Walk with me, wont you?

Freaky

It's scary.
To some it might be a chunk of alphabets put together.
In my eyes, it seems like a child crying in vain with a bleeding heart with no one around to help.

I can imagine thoughts screaming in the mind, the scarring beneath the smiling face, the direction-less and unanchored feelings that lead to nowhere. that's not all, what follows is being alone bearing the intolerable and trying your best to do without the indispensables..

Being enveloped by the dark. Scary thoughts that may as well drive a person insane. nothing to fall back on, without any way to rebound, and help seems like a million light years away.. what can one do when the negativities start corroding your well-being?

The tag line i set is 'Finding sanity through words, in this ever-changing world.' Always believe that we best rationalize away the negativities through words. but the fact remains that a coin has two sides and it depends on which side one is looking at.
the unimaginable disturbing feelings i get from one entry. Just one. just lines and lines of words made up of 26 characters.

How far can one reaches out to save a poor soul in need of help? and can help transcends across time and space?

so the one thing i want you to know: your pleas are heard. So try to stay away from the bad and ugly till help is rendered. i know you can do it.

Riding on high self-esteem

No one knows just how proud i am of myself ytd.

I finally accomplished a goal that has been pending since high school- The gift of life, literally.
I like this year's tag line. Love is in the air, life is to be shared.

Ventured to MPSH alone after lessons, seeking the one thing that can only be received when it's given.



The gift of life aint painful, especially when you're experiencing that feeling of great satisfaction. I have the impression that the immense contentment numbed the pain, rather than the effect of anesthetics. lolx.

See. Donating blood aint a nerve-racking thing. So pple, DONATE BLOOD to complete the festive joy!

Have yet to let my mom know. I guess she'll be as proud of me as i am of myself. She's the first to know how much i wanted to do it and have been supportive since then. been encouraging me to go for it every single time i told her i wanted to and reassuring me that there's always a next time every time my attempts fail.

did i mention that the intangible gains surpass the material possessions (though insignificant items like the green bandage, red pump and cert do help in tangibalisation to an extent)??

--------------------------------------------

Caught The Mist at Marina last night.

The desperate need to have a belief, regardless of how illogical things may seem.
grasping hope in whichever form it takes. just to stay sane.
and it's amazing how far people are willing to venture in search of a way out, even when situations render clear sight impossible. and how is optimism going to help when you cant even visualise the goal? seems like sometimes opting for a pessimistic attitude helps.
and civility works only when things are going fine.
the irrational decisions people make when they're being driven to a corner.
Take away the rules of the game and people go crazy.


so, welcome to the dark side of human nature.

Patience waning..

i suspect someone has taken a liking to the realm of harry potter simply because of the undetectable charms in place and all muggler devices are confiscated by the ministry of muggler affairs.
and that, is just my speculation.

it won't seem half as bad if i can pretend that i know nothing about the traits of walking along the scales. and it's just too bad i practice a lot on the ordinary things.

Peter Knipp's talk, 2004.

Old thoughts for the new year.
Blogging enables me to save my thoughts and review them in leisure years after.
I wonder if the above link works.. but do take a look, coz Peter Knipp is fantastic.

[You aren't looking for anyone who reminds you of anyone else]

Life is afterall a fiction. A story with a beginning and an end.

Love is afterall a distraction from loneliness.

And happiness, a distraction from sadness.

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That sounds so logically, cynically true.

Browsing through entries on the OLD OLD forgotten blog.
Stories of the blouse and the cake.
Here it goes:
- I bought a blouse that i like tremendously. so much so that i am reluctant to wear it for fear of staining the nice new clean top. i kept it safe and straight in the wardrobe. months down the road, i took out the same blouse only to realise that it is already out of fashion. I have no desire to want to don that now.

- I bought a cake back then. a cake that looked so yummy that i curb my temptation by putting it in the fridge so that i can slowly savour it bit by bit instead of stuffing it down at one go. the cake was forgotten for i did not open the fridge frequently. days past. and the cake was already spoilt when i finally felt like eating it..

The two stories are superb analogies. about regrets and reservations, amongst many others..

Out of proportion

Wagging, wagging, wagging..

The center of the tornado is always calm.
and that describes how i'm feeling right now.

Always oblivious to the happenings around me. Way too much anyway.

The reminders that follow. Seems like there's always someone out there who's in charge of keeping things in order. Making situations seem mundane. and i am so not fitted for that role.

Maybe one can refer to number 232 to see that i still stand by my belief. and that sometimes, reasons are just excuses regardless of the effort put in to convince/persuade another.

A little emo these few days. I wonder if it's just the festive season, the alcohol, or the fact that i've been listening to this Kenny G compilation.

I've in mind 5 people i badly want to share some news with, sooner or later, face-to-face. and let's just say that i'm not so sure if the number stands at 5 right now.

Before i start the usual emo-regulating process, i realised there is actually no need for that as i've that amazing indifferent attitude of mine in place. Whatever. really. it didnt bother me one bit. Maybe i'm too busy with ongoing stuffs and responsibilities. or it didnt matter then, now or ever.

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New year is supposed to be a great season, for reinforcing ties with relatives and love ones.. Yet this year, there's this tinge of sadness no matter where i go, like a dark cloud looming above my head.

On Tues i was at the ca**** ward trying to spread the festive joy with patients, trying my very best to rub off some of the enthusiasm that i was feeling then hoping that they can feel a little better about spending the new year in a place that smells like antiseptic no matter where you turn and gloomy faces greeting you no matter which direction you look. Much as i've said about me being apathetic, there's no denying that i'm a weakling since i'm made from flesh and blood.

I salute the caregivers. Their profession is one that should be right at the top of Maslow's hierarchy. It takes so much effort to try to do what i was supposed to do when in actual fact i guess if i were in the family's shoes, i'd very much rather 'I' leave them alone. Surrounding someone's bed, trying to spend the last few living moments together. The struggles and attempts to stay normal, behaving as usual despite feeling someone's life slipping away.. It's bad enough without some 'supposedly' kind and helpful people who come once in a blue moon and try to make themselves feel better by doing what THEY think is right and good to a whole group of people who might not need it anyway.

That day i walked away from that place feeling so insignificant, so insensitive, so useless and helpless. and the joke of the day is that despite that, life still goes on. Nothing matters (as much as we think it does).

Pardon this emo entry. Kenny G and Josh Groban are apt at creating such an atmosphere..
If there's a 'To happier stuffs' for me to continue, i'll gladly do so. But i'm afraid there isnt. and this year there's no need for the second chance to make things right. So it doesnt seem to matter whether i'm a Chinese or not.

2 glasses of wine

State of blabber.

Happy CNY peeps. This festive season I've mulled over some stuff that I haven been thinking about for ages. Just cause someone sparked off that series of reflection over the weekend.

It never occurred to me that life should be an accumulation of experiences. trying. trying. trying.
To me, it has always been do or do not. So i find myself tongue-tied when others asked. I cant seem to find valid and logical reasons to substantiate what i think, especially when the other party has some G-D logical reasons.

Subtle compliments. I'm not belittling myself but somehow there's always a whole lot of people who i think is better and brighter.

Being commented that i don't share easily. Maybe if you ask, i'll say. maybe i wont. but if something's bugging you, then you should take the initiative. I admit i'm not one who bares her soul to others. But then again, those who knows me well (enough) understands (or at least i choose to believe) .

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Thanks for the card Ching. Just saw it yesterday. I know i haven been putting enough effort for arranging for meet-up sessions and havent really been in contact since the last time we met. What you wrote in the card is so sweet (ants are getting to it) =) and thanks for the appreciation. It means a lot to me. *hugs

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Dreading the coming week, though it's CNY.

i saw someone that looks like Lionel in the dining hall the other day and tried not to stare. He's the only guy that reminds me of flowers. Iris flowers in fact. The 1st 3 mths AJ stint that he tried to pull with the help of the rest of us. I mean, at the very least, we were there to accompany him.

It's getting a little late and i'm a little tipsy. I think i'll feel better if someone can give me a hug. So maybe i should just listen to what others say and get myself attached.

Spinning spinning, spinning. head spinning. Forget what i've said. Wasnt in the right state of mind. Cny rocks. I'm going to stay home as much as possible and nua the holidays away.

Beauty world

Lightening the mood.

X-rayed

It's as if i've been taken apart and analysed. Mole by mole, atom by atom. Never felt so transparent after what Christine said then. It's like no matter how much sugar and honey i add, the cup of water still tastes pretty much like.. water.

I guessed i got my amour of quills out in full view last night, but it's clear to anyone who isn't blind that somehow, somewhere that coat didn't help. That effort seemed so feeble that in contrary it displayed what's left in full view.

Now i am wondering what will happen after the intangible sword pierced through the intangible shield.

Will the turtle goes back to it's shell?

Reinforcing beliefs

I received the greatest news in my life (as of now) verbally, on Tues.
Thought it was all but a dream. until i saw it in print.

The shock has yet to filter through my state of intense confusion and be registered.
So now it still feels kind of intangible and faraway. Like some unreachable goals.

My mom has started to spread the joy (i think) and i guess she's as proud of me as she was, maybe even proud-ER now. My dad adopted his usual laid-back attitude but took the initiative to call me and ask for more information every now and then, showing concern as to how my hostel life is. I think my family misses me. lolx.. and i do miss them too.

I'm kind of glad that opportunities come by so often that if u dare to grab hold of one, it'll bring you to scale greater heights. Received the email forwarded by the school's admin staff to the KU's person in charge regarding my application. Now all i need to do is to wait and see. I guess things will fall nicely in place since i seem to be going steamrolling ahead and is unstoppable.

Maybe i should just wait for a couple of days. Miss a few days (more) of school for the new term so that i can fully enjoy Alaska without the need to take the long lone flight home, especially with the troublesome connecting flights. I'm so looking forward to taking away with me all the insecurities and negativities to a faraway place that serves as a dumping ground AND to obtain valuable experiences that i'll never forget for a lifetime at the same location. I believe that it's only when you're in liminality that you'll truly reflect your innate self.

Wanted someone who can reinforce my beliefs the other day. Needed a pat on the back for job well-done, for someone to assure me that no matter what i do or what choices i make, i'll be safe on the track i'm on and will end up well and good at the finishing line. Goals may change, i do too. but shall leave the worrying and uncertainties to the brighter and better tomorrows.

I've come to realise that there's always a motive behind the actions.
There is no such thing as coincidences with sequels.

Beyond the facade

I think the floor theme should be 'Confession of an overage teenager.'

Goes well with the 'got depth' framework with mirrors, lift button strictly 'not for grownups', the kid's party streamers and lots of cutesy shimmering hearts hung on ceiling and a half constructed supposedly cozy corner.

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The oh-so-lame things that i thought were beyond my imagination, at least until yesterday.
Seems like even as we mature in age, our inner selves may well remain childlike forever.
The excuses we made up ever so often to get about our daily lives makes me wonder how long more we are going to deceive ourselves and to what extent just to feel better, for you, me and the world at large.

I've been trying not to get emotionally affected by a certain behavior, especially disappearing acts. It makes me wonder (again) why the more technology advances, the more faults and problems we seem to find and/or identify with. and the contradiction here is that most of the issues have to be solved, somehow or another, via another major technological breakthrough. and let's just say i'm so looking forward to teleportation, time freezing and precise biometric tracking system linked to GPS.

Three weeks into school and it feels like i'm halfway through the semester. I've begin to think of room as home and the act of walking back to hall as a routine act like taking a bus trip back to HG. Growing accustomed to the convenience, and the feeling of being independent. Minimal communication with my siblings means lesser frictions, especially when they're at what Erikson termed as 'identity vs identity confusion' stage.

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Opportunities aplenty. Abundant room for growth and a million reasons to take (more) risks.
The initial appeal usually intensifies then die away completely, like echo in the mountains.
Now i find myself equipped with everything but the right mood to take up MORE responsibilities and commitment for stuff that i know i wont be able to handle with my personality and lousy time management, especially on top of the pile of schoolwork that is increasing at an accelerating speed.

digression:
I like my room. I think it is how i'd like my room to be. A little messy yet in order. Things in their right places and inventory minimised yet the entire supply chain optimised, keeping total costs low. I like the way the sun streamed through my blinds in the morning in the exact angle that i left the night before so that i can wake up with the sun shining brightly in my face, welcoming me to a whole new day. I like just how the PSA lights glow in the distance at night with the street lamps lined up solitary in the streets and me being able to see through my snowflake glasses if i want to empty my mind. I am grateful for the fact that the condo next door isnt ready yet so i can leave my blinds undrawn the entire day without having the feeling that someone opposite is peeping. I like it that i can see greenery from where i am sitting instead of the windows of yet another room. I like the fact that i'm living at the highest floor possible for females and that the floor above me is the rooftop. I consider myself lucky that i am NOT placed is a strategic location where the afternoon sun shines in and make my room a sauna.

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Learn as we go along.. thinking that you've found the center of the onion only to realise that what lies beneath the layer of skin is yet another skin and you can go on and on thinking that you're just one step away from the truth only to find more layers to be uncovered.. and tearing as you go along..

Beyond the facade, may well be another.

Out of control

Feel so comfortable at home that i can't wait to get back to hall. Seriously, i don't think i can get constructive things done at home, if any at all.

Looking at my damn organizer, i find the weeks leading up to CNY fully packed, and that excludes the to-be-scheduled-meetings and activities that follow. and i've never seen my planner so packed just 2 weeks into school. and now i'm wondering whether to return home, or not, for this coming week. and just how should i let Von know that work is definitely out till i have better time management.

Half truths = lies??

Told a half truth. Not really a half truth but rather, what i was thinking seemed true yet after serious consideration, sounds like a lie. Maybe i should have said otherwise but then again, it doesnt matter. really. At least not at this point in time.

If i'm saying what i think is true yet it turns out that the truth is sitting on a fence, like so many of us do, then what have i done? told a lie?

Whatever it is, i guess we still think about what others think of us more than they actually do. So i shall let it go at that.

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VL was saying it MAY BE possible for an introvert to be high self monitoring, since there's the saying - still water runs deep. I've taken 3 gigantic steps in 2 days, and have been on 'impulse agreeable' mode for the entire week.

Went for handball match today at the netball court. and boy~ dont i missed sports! I missed the cheering till you feel your voice cracking, i missed shouting goodness-know-whether-the-players-can-hear-what-i-say cheers, i missed the desire for victory that is shared with everyone in the same team, i missed the silent smiles and nods that are exchanged on the field, the absolute trust between teammates and such..

When entries veer towards this kind of direction, i know i'm closer to where i want to be, who i want to be, what i want to be. All it takes is that little effort. BRING IT ON!

If only i stop making assumptions. Then again, i got the indifferent attitude to cope with.

It's surprising how the number of hours i spend facing the laptop isn't in proportionate to more shows/ longer entries and such. It's the number of minutes that tick by without any accomplishment that kind of.. you know.. irritates me endless..

Yet another week. I'm counting down, or rather, trying not to. 15 more weeks to the end of this term. If only I can get past not being judged by people who follow the norm in this superficial society, perhaps i'll be an entire different person. Then again, it's too late. I've alr found myself walking en route the future.

To those who are still aimless with life, the only think i recalled from OB this week is that studies have shown that generally, people who are unhappy or don't like school tend to bring with them the same mentality when they go out to work. Somehow or another, they'll be discontented with life in every step of the way, all the way till they die.

Wasn't i glad that i got the personality of a White. Apathy still rules despite unhappy times.

That makes me a little contented, yet a little sad.

At the receiver end of nice comments.

The stuff people say that can make me feel good.

Possibilities aplenty.

I like the feeling of being in a time period where things are ambiguous..

Like the period after an interview, being confused on which decision to make, which road to choose, pending application acceptance, the moments before the start of sth new and such.. It's like waiting for something that has infinite possibilities.. somehow that time frame seems most comforting.. like walking along the scales without responsibility except to try to keep your balance. But there's not much to worry because you always balance. just that sometimes you balance on your butt.

Random. An outlet for the randomness..

I've finally gotten back to writing journals.
I figured that there's always something that one has to make known, yet keep a secret.

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Been reassuring myself that everything will turn out fine this year.
I've made it clear that this time round i'll lean far out. and hopefully whatever follows is what i've foreseen. Even if it doesnt, i'll take with me all that's left in a matter of weeks. 17 to be exact. Then return whole and new.

TGIF. TGIF. TGIF. TGIF. TGIF. TGIF.

I'm home!! I missed the scent of home. the smell of fresh linen airing and squeaky clean floor detergent.. i missed mum's cooking. so i ate 2 bowls of rice at 12 midnight when i got home. now i feel super contented with the familiars around me.. the usual untidy room, my clean bathroom, clean floor, comfy chair etc.. and the luxury of opening the fridge and choosing a drink out from more than 5 choices. i missed bickering with my siblings on the mundane stuff like why she converted my bed as a tabletop and her asking me to move out quickly coz i generate a lot of noise at home..

A room can never be compared to a home.

Home is where the heart is.
It is also where the start is.

The internet port in my room wasnt compatible with my laptop. So i spent 2 whole days listening to songs, viewing pictures and rearranging folders in my laptop. and i guess i can be considered handicapped without access to the internet.

My room feels bare. Now I know why YQ felt that way.. unpacking, unpacking with this lonely feeling. It’s like moving away to an entire different region without the familiars close by. I tried making it as close to home as possible BUT somehow it just seems like I’ve gone on a long camp… Everything’s in order and I am feeling lost... so I pretty much figured I still rely too much on the anchored feeling…

Beauty World was good. cha cha cha..
Parts of the songs that i like and can remember:

I should be the first to know,
where the road i'm taking goes.
If I fall then i suppose,
that this road, must be wrong.

I learnt something all these years,
how to turn on those crocodile tears.

I may seem like a perfect girl,
not a care in the whole wide world.
I may seem self-assured and strong,
confident, Ivy you are wrong.

Single in Sngapore, you dont know what you're in for.
Just pray that someday you'll find who you're looking for.

Searching for answers but finding more questions.

Funny how our lives are full of changes.
Funny how friends are made from strangers.

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All the best to me tomorrow! today!
I'll once again put o my best smile and behaviour in search of better tomorrows, with the sign loud and clear outside my windows.

Reminisce

Dad is away, I'm going away too. Not far, but still, away from home. I kinda miss home even before i move out. Singapore aint that big i know, but something seems to be missing.. Like a strong presence disappearing.. I swear i'm going to think up a list of makanan for mom to whip up when i get home every week..

Sent boon to TP for training this morning. I missed Tembusu Grove, missed training in the rain, setting up and clearing the range, loading trolley with bottles, writing reflections and update on weather condition in my training notebook before debrief, mental calculation on scores, indulging in being an optimistic pessimist, bow exercises, the long warm up and super short cool down, stringing up bows, fletching. yes, even fletching. oh. and i missed the food. =(

Driving along old tampines road brings back memories of the bus 72, Mac ice-cream, GV outings and Bedok int celebration after papers with the girls. Bitching about you-know-who, the stories that we never seem to get bored of. Saffron is now on a scale so large i couldnt piece my experiences at that small place in a corner of business with the current building near the pool. Saffron used to be this cosy small restaurant hidden from the nasty customers of the leaders of tomorrow for noobs waitstaffs to test out their skills and have fun. Now it seems like an outlet for people with money to spare and staffs that are there for upgrading of skills instead of a place for learning from scratch. It kinda hit me that the course has progressed this far ever since the IR project started AND me graduating.

I dunno what sparked off this emo session but i guess i have to reassure myself yet again that there's nothing to worry about, coz change is the only constant.

True to your heart. You must be true to your heart.

I guess being comfortable and natural without false pretenses in the presence of others make all the difference.

Instead of the polite thank you, professional acknowledgement and sincere apology, i found myself replying with that excited voice as i would to a good friend. I know i am truly grateful and lucky when i dont even want to try containing happiness for an impression that i couldnt be bothered to upkeep.

Now i really hope to keep the goal in mind, with confidence and optimism at their peaks.

Work was great despite the fact that sales was as slow as or slower than snail. I managed to keep a conversation going for 8 long hours.. Just imagine the amount of nonsense i managed to sprout.. lolx.. and i seriously wonder just where my limit is.

A new colleague called to check if i'm good to take some slot during the 1st week of school, for a performance that i've been waiting for since last year.. and it sure feels good being at the receiving end of a sharing session, so far.. means a lot to me in terms of job satisfaction.. that's what i term pleasing internal customers.. and i swear i'm going to pass it on. lolx..

2008 WILL BE a fantastic year. and i'll walk along the scales should it tip.. so hakuna matata!!!

One missed call

Moving into hall is a challenge liken to migrating. I find myself adding stuff to that never ending list of 'to-brings' written on multiple post-it slips..

Been trying to keep things to a minimum but as far as i can see, i'm failing terribly.. and i can imagine just how much MORE things i'm going to have to move out once sem ends and having to pack MORE stuff for Alaska.

Dad will be boarding the plane this weekend to UK, and stopping over at Rome.. If only the semester starts three weeks later. I might be on the same plane having the time of my life then, and not discussing with my bro who get to use the car on which day for that 2 weeks.. and i dont seem to be able to justify why i need to car when i'm moving into hall first thing on Monday.. Grrrrr...

Learning to be more independent.. Gotta put aside the reliance for once. and i definitely need more of Thierry's scent.

Feel of my spirit is too old for me to understand

Being mistaken for being older than i am just by the way i carry myself.

You don't look old. But you most certainly don't behave like other 21s.. The way you speak and act. Isn't as childish as others.

What's new? ... As usual.. and i dunno if i should laugh or cry.. but this time round, i take that as a compliment.

Was told that i should be happy because there'll be a point in time when the differences end and i'll be able to appreciate the disparity.

Right now all i want is the ability to see myself the way others see me. Then, i will (might) be able to understand the reasons behind the impression i give others.

Leaning far out

Gave myself yet another break in the midst of using work as an opportunity to find out just how much yusof ishaks means to me. and as far as i can see, it means a lot more than i think is healthy.

Finally gotten down to doing the ONE thing i think i desperately need to do- reorganizing. Actually if i handle stuff by prioritizing them, then clearing my notes would be the first on my list, followed by clearing the clutter in my room. Then again, it's the holidays so i deserve a break. In order not to let this off day go to waste, i reorganized a whole lot of stuff- in my email inbox. lolx.. it's the one thing i can accomplish just by sitting in front of a screen and moving my fingers.

Finding time to connect with myself. Found time to connect with myself. Made me feel better about a whole load of stuff that i figured aint worth my energy in the first place. This holiday, i think i've taken gigantic steps towards the better tomorrows.

This is the center of the universe at this moment unless you're looking in
another direction or are thinking about something from a long time ago, in which
case it will wait quietly right here until you return.

yesh. i guess everything always comes at the right time. just that we ourselves aint ready or don't have the right attitude to welcome whatever happens with open arms. In which case, we just have to spend (MORE) time trying to figure out just how long more till the RIGHT time comes along and when we're finally ready, things fall nicely into place without you ever realizing that yours is the only world not revolving till now.

and time still stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life. Embrace simplicity and be grateful for the little things in life. (yeah. am trying hard to..)

To the friends around me who have the patience to sieve through my long-winded way of communication, thanks for being a tolerant audience. Many a time, the important stuff gets cluttered with a whole lot of others that makes sense only if you're patient enough.

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Digression...

First impression counts i know, but it certainly does not help if people judge based on looks especially if what i want to do or is doing isnt what others think i am suitable for.

Take work for example. I'm a female, so that makes me a weakling who cant carry heavy stuff and has to let those big strong guys take over. If i look feminine, then automatically i am not the candidate for blue collar jobs that dont include air-conditioning and office attire in the code of conduct/ regulations/ staff welfare etc.. They'll put me in say Human Resource or administration. That pisses me off, big time. No wonder people with an artistic flare gotta dress differently to show their sense of belonging. ARGH.

I am now thinking of forgoing my long hair, and changing my entire wardrobe, throw away my dresses, skirts and get a bike license.. oh.. and start speaking loudly in public, which aint a difficulty.

You know, i'm willing to accept that i myself create my own reality, except the fact that for some parts i really have no idea what i was thinking. somewhere along those lines, i am who i am now coz of social norms.. part of me wants to belong to the majority, but i know i'll regret it if i stay with the masses forever. Time for a change i guess. at least for awhile.

Taking risks. Like the title, this season i couldnt stand the adopt a wait-and-see approach. I'll just lean as far as i can, furthest out i want to, and stop worrying about what will happen..

Last gathering before term starts.

Walking around Pasir Ris Park at night beats the afternoon sun. But the day would have ended better if cycling wasn't canceled due to the rain.

The games were fun. Thanks YQ.
The IQ questions were great, thanks to KK, though it was extremely irritating trying to make the brain work at 3 in the morning with the effects of alcohol in the body.
The questions made me see the bigGER picture, to not be trapped in that frame of thought forever. Look out.

Amazed at how gu niang KK is compared to the rest of us girls. His entire range of hair care, face care, moisturiser and what not leaves me/us speechless. maybe i should start being diligent in usage. lolx..

All that aside, i must say i'm contented with what i have. I cant imagine living like strangers in a house, getting about our daily activities without crossing paths, minimal communication. It's a total opposite env from the one i was brought up.

Having stuffs aint the only way to show your wealth. Mine is filled with intangibles that are priceless. I am rich beyond imagination. lolx...

That's comforting.. To remind myself to stay contented every now and then when wants seem to eat into my sanity..

All the best to me tomorrow.

I'll put on my best smile and behavior in search of better tomorrows. all with PSA in mind.

1st impression counts

Finally met boss and lady boss at work, got my pay for the month of December, and received a belated Christmas gift from Lady boss herself. Many thanks..

Besides the pleasant surprise, both of them invited me again to the company dinner next week and after they left, V told me that lady boss decided to raise my pay, and the uniform is going to come in by next week. Now, that's what i call great news for a new beginning. Then just when i thought today's sales was horrible due to the lazy weather, some last minute shoppers made my day. i went home a little later, but on a lighter mood.

Upon reaching home, i received a msg from a new colleague asking if i'm free to take over work. Thanks man. That's what i've been looking forward to. BW~

and the only thing that is bugging me now is the headache that wont go away ever since i flipped through my old text on cash flow statements.. I wonder how i'm going to help if i cant even recall what i've studied a year ago..
All the best.

and surprisingly, that didnt leave me fretting and thinking what and how i should react next. One step at a time i guess.

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires will come to you

If your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star as dreamers do

(Fate is kind, she brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing)

Like a bolt out of the blue, fate steps in and sees you thru
When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true



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There's this thing with Disney that brings out the child in me, long after knowing and understanding that fairy tales don't exist outside of books.. Stepping into fantasyland, strolling in front of sleeping beauty's castle, walking around the gardens of dreamland and being whizzed into space, amongst many others.

It's like no matter how old i am, i can trust Disney to make me feel childlike again.

Hate to grow up..

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

All set and ready for a new start. The fireworks at Marina Bay wasnt even half as nice as those i saw in Disneyland. The music wasn't in sync with the fireworks, the people were all pushing and chatting in the midst of the fireworks display, and most of all, i wasnt with the right coy.

despite the disappointment, things went much smoother than expected for most part of the day. Cheers, to a great end and even better start.

Went AVP2 watching today and boy, wasnt i surprised to find myself surrounded by youths rushing to celebrate before the new school term starts tomorrow!
Some lame excuses, and the sense of sheepishness. could barely keep my eyes open during the movie, with bad bad lighting and slimy creatures.. It's as good as watching a home made video taken by some inexperienced person moving the recorder about. Gave me a headache and it took all my energy just to stay awake.

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New Year is the perfect time for a new start, though beginnings should never be restricted..

If i say i'm comfortable with whatever i have now, should i still start something new? Will what i start affect what i will be doing?

What if i tell you i don't want one? will you then leave me alone or go ahead with whatever?

Sometimes frustrations leave me wondering what reaction i should have to be considered normal.

Luckily this season i am sure of what i want and what i don't. so bring it on 2008!