yah.. where and when can i start yelling??

Been watching shows from youtube since Tina was telling me 'it started with a kiss' can be found from there.. The complete VCD/DVD set is not out yet. from what i know, it's only PART 1.. so i'm waiting.. asked my bro to check for me when he went to Taiwan but apparently, they didnt visit vcd shops.. dying to watch that show coz of the lead actor.. *sigh..

i dunno whether it's the post exam period, the storyline, or me. but somehow i hate this time when i know there's sth important for me to do yet i dunno what it is, dunno where to start and how to do it. this feeling of helplessness. this unanchored feeling. most of my friends have plans. of what they want to do in life, how they want to proceed. after our poly education, even though we think we chose the wrong course, at the end of it all, AT LEAST they learnt that their passion lies somewhere else and are working hard towards it.. pple have already started looking for jobs, going for interviews, planning their lives. but what i am doing now is simply half wasting my time idling around, hoping that some miracle fall from the sky so that God can give me some good plans for my future.

i have better grades than many of my friends. so what?! they have dreams and sad to say, i think that's more important than pieces of papers with various numbers on them... i finally realise today the reason behind the lack of motivation in my life in whatever i do.
There is motivation only when there are expectations. when i expect nothing, how can i be motivated? i used to work hard in the past so that i can prove myself to those pple who dont believe. and what did i get in the end? applause that even the giver cannot remember, that the receiver doesnt even actually give a damn? sometimes it's like a joke. felt as if someone pointed at the sky and said 'see, a bird flew past.' and then get back to whatever he or she is doing and then nobody thought much about it after that.

I was thinking.. i just need to work for 40 years or so. so long as our lives dont cross in the future, how i will be doing actually makes no difference to anyone else. it's right that i shldnt be bothered about what others think and how they feel but somehow it doesnt seem right. it's as if i am the one not bothered by how my life is going to turn out.. my family, relatives, even my neighbours are concerned on how i'm going to move on from here.

PLEASE. dont let my life be a 400m stadium track. at the end of it all, i dont want to realise that i'll end up where i started.. coz i'm not prepared to know that i will reap nothing from the effort that i'm going to put in.. that will be very disheartening. if this is impossible, then i need to convince myself (though i already know) that it is the journey that matters. not the ending.

okie. enuff of endless self-talk. back to nonsense stuff.. the SIA thingy is over the weekend at Meritus.. so i guess that means i better not ask for weekend work schedule coz i dun want to end up directing pple that i know (and dun really want to see) to the correct level and place. i know lots of my coursemates (plus my cousin's coursemates and friends) are going.. so all the best ya.. to all applicants.. SQ needs a new batch of confident, efficient, pleasant-looking cabin crew... to take over the existing ones who are intoxicated with nicotine, those who succumb to temptations and peer pressure.. dun claim that 'social' is a good excuse. it's all bullshit..

to me.