Maybe one can refer to number 232 to see that i still stand by my belief. and that sometimes, reasons are just excuses regardless of the effort put in to convince/persuade another.

A little emo these few days. I wonder if it's just the festive season, the alcohol, or the fact that i've been listening to this Kenny G compilation.

I've in mind 5 people i badly want to share some news with, sooner or later, face-to-face. and let's just say that i'm not so sure if the number stands at 5 right now.

Before i start the usual emo-regulating process, i realised there is actually no need for that as i've that amazing indifferent attitude of mine in place. Whatever. really. it didnt bother me one bit. Maybe i'm too busy with ongoing stuffs and responsibilities. or it didnt matter then, now or ever.

-----------------------------------------------------------

New year is supposed to be a great season, for reinforcing ties with relatives and love ones.. Yet this year, there's this tinge of sadness no matter where i go, like a dark cloud looming above my head.

On Tues i was at the ca**** ward trying to spread the festive joy with patients, trying my very best to rub off some of the enthusiasm that i was feeling then hoping that they can feel a little better about spending the new year in a place that smells like antiseptic no matter where you turn and gloomy faces greeting you no matter which direction you look. Much as i've said about me being apathetic, there's no denying that i'm a weakling since i'm made from flesh and blood.

I salute the caregivers. Their profession is one that should be right at the top of Maslow's hierarchy. It takes so much effort to try to do what i was supposed to do when in actual fact i guess if i were in the family's shoes, i'd very much rather 'I' leave them alone. Surrounding someone's bed, trying to spend the last few living moments together. The struggles and attempts to stay normal, behaving as usual despite feeling someone's life slipping away.. It's bad enough without some 'supposedly' kind and helpful people who come once in a blue moon and try to make themselves feel better by doing what THEY think is right and good to a whole group of people who might not need it anyway.

That day i walked away from that place feeling so insignificant, so insensitive, so useless and helpless. and the joke of the day is that despite that, life still goes on. Nothing matters (as much as we think it does).

Pardon this emo entry. Kenny G and Josh Groban are apt at creating such an atmosphere..
If there's a 'To happier stuffs' for me to continue, i'll gladly do so. But i'm afraid there isnt. and this year there's no need for the second chance to make things right. So it doesnt seem to matter whether i'm a Chinese or not.