Today I saw this girl with a bouquet of white cala lilies with baby's breath and was in a daze thinking how nice it will be on the receiving end of that. I no longer receive flowers on normal days just because someone wants to make my day. Or to see me smile.
I think the acne medicine is messing with my hormones. I feel like crying.
Showing posts with label emo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emo. Show all posts
March 25, 2011
March 17, 2011
Oversimplification- and the art of reduction to nothingness
The preparation for the wedding is stressing me out.. Sometimes I wonder if it'll be easier if we pay someone to organize and recommend everything. I think tt someday I'll cry over the slightest detail tt I miss out on my big day. And it doesn't help tt we can't seem to find time to search for even the ideal restaurant on top of working ard my shiftwork. There are a lot A LOT of things a girl wants on her big day. I want it to be simple but not oversimplified. So I feel v helpless when the thing seems to reduce to nothingness.
I'm tired. I thought we can live on love and love alone. I thought that because we love each other we want to give in to everything so that the other party can be happy. But it felt like we've reached a wall this time round, for 2 indecisive people coming together and working on a plan isn't such a Gd idea after all. We ended up waiting for decisions to be made and plans to form. Sometimes I think tt my mood swings are just my subconscious telling me tt the I-want-to-get-married-after-30-syndrome hasn't really gone away.
Everything happens for a reason, or so I believe. For 2 people to meet at the right time, right place and looking ahead in the same direction is what makes things right in this lifetime. Meeting THE ONE. I have. Have you?
rearranging my mind so that there'd be room for him to stay.
He stayed. And tts all that matter.
I'm tired. I thought we can live on love and love alone. I thought that because we love each other we want to give in to everything so that the other party can be happy. But it felt like we've reached a wall this time round, for 2 indecisive people coming together and working on a plan isn't such a Gd idea after all. We ended up waiting for decisions to be made and plans to form. Sometimes I think tt my mood swings are just my subconscious telling me tt the I-want-to-get-married-after-30-syndrome hasn't really gone away.
Everything happens for a reason, or so I believe. For 2 people to meet at the right time, right place and looking ahead in the same direction is what makes things right in this lifetime. Meeting THE ONE. I have. Have you?
rearranging my mind so that there'd be room for him to stay.
He stayed. And tts all that matter.
September 18, 2010
I know I've said it like a million times
My shift work not only eats into the time I should be setting aside for my social life, but it's affecting my physical, mental and emotional health.
--------------------------------
So most days I need a safe harbour to turn to, much like kids hiding under their blankets thinking that the monster in the closet will leave them alone if they cannot be seen.
Some days it's scary knowing that my safe harbour sometimes get hit by tsunamis and the monsters are going to get me after all.
and all this is making me angry because i'm not in control.
feeling insecure..
--------------------------------
So most days I need a safe harbour to turn to, much like kids hiding under their blankets thinking that the monster in the closet will leave them alone if they cannot be seen.
Some days it's scary knowing that my safe harbour sometimes get hit by tsunamis and the monsters are going to get me after all.
and all this is making me angry because i'm not in control.
feeling insecure..
May 07, 2010
January 09, 2010
Professionalism
That is, to be able to act/ function well at work just like any other work day.
Simply put, to be what I used to be by 7.30.
That, I think I can still achieve.
To make oneself invisible by blending into the masses.
yes. I think I am capable of that.
Diving into the moment.
Simply put, to be what I used to be by 7.30.
That, I think I can still achieve.
To make oneself invisible by blending into the masses.
yes. I think I am capable of that.
Diving into the moment.
October 11, 2009
For all
Have you ever experience the transitional period where you keep searching for something but you have no idea what it is and where to find it?
Knowing that you've foreseen the circumstances of action or inaction yet not doing anything in the hope that your inaction will lead you down the path that has yet to be traveled?
Recently keep feeling that i'm not in the zone for anything. not even for resting. and that every minute spent is a step closer to the end of the month, and a step closer to the next year.
Need some screaming pills.
but knowing that even if there is somehow some means to obtain it, it wouldnt help coz if others find your toe a little out of line, you're game.
----------------------------
ok, random stuff..
aint there a saying that people live in denial? so if i think i'm crazy, am i not? or because i think, therefore i am?
Knowing that you've foreseen the circumstances of action or inaction yet not doing anything in the hope that your inaction will lead you down the path that has yet to be traveled?
Recently keep feeling that i'm not in the zone for anything. not even for resting. and that every minute spent is a step closer to the end of the month, and a step closer to the next year.
Need some screaming pills.
but knowing that even if there is somehow some means to obtain it, it wouldnt help coz if others find your toe a little out of line, you're game.
----------------------------
ok, random stuff..
aint there a saying that people live in denial? so if i think i'm crazy, am i not? or because i think, therefore i am?
realising i have most of the symptoms of the big D, just missing the death part
and the chili that i misplaced last year appeared mysteriously in the kitchen counter-top. and yep, a stress-ball's gonna do what a stress-ball's gonna do.
September 23, 2009
It's sad
Thinking about random stuff today.
The thought occurred to me out of nowhere that it's sad how life turns out.
The way we all strive to live to be better off in anyway, but essentially, we try to get an education that occupies most of our time when we're young because we're not physically fit enough to contribute to society, then we grow older and start to work so we can put bread on the table in order not to fulfill the basic needs of survival, then as we get older we look for stuff to divert our energies beside work, like starting a family and owning material possessions. and in return we have to be slave to time and money. then we start a family so that life would seem natural and complete, and we spend the rest of our lives ensuring the survival of the next generation and that in the circle of life, everything goes on, with or without you.
and the funniest part of it all, is that life goes on with or without you. yes, sadly.
The thought occurred to me out of nowhere that it's sad how life turns out.
The way we all strive to live to be better off in anyway, but essentially, we try to get an education that occupies most of our time when we're young because we're not physically fit enough to contribute to society, then we grow older and start to work so we can put bread on the table in order not to fulfill the basic needs of survival, then as we get older we look for stuff to divert our energies beside work, like starting a family and owning material possessions. and in return we have to be slave to time and money. then we start a family so that life would seem natural and complete, and we spend the rest of our lives ensuring the survival of the next generation and that in the circle of life, everything goes on, with or without you.
and the funniest part of it all, is that life goes on with or without you. yes, sadly.
September 15, 2009
Something to look forward to?
Need those stuffs to keep me motivated.
Last time there used to be deadlines that I know I'll meet, signifying the end of a period and the start of a new one.
Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Somehow this time round it seems like everything is clouded and haze is all over those stuffs.
Like the ticket to freedom costs much more than the pot of gold credited into an invisible source of moolah accumulation at the end of the month.
I thought I'll come to forget the feeling of being so tired, since the 17 odd hours i put in every other day in Tok. but life always find someway or another to make a joke out of you.
So here I am, zombie-like and trying to please myself more than anything in the world.
and looking for stuff to keep me sane. things that bring me away from the feeling of being suffocated.
Like searching for the feeling of going away like last year. Like having no responsibility and smiling like all the thousands of photos in the hard disk.
Like the need to go away after a period of work. Like planning for a trip that makes it possible for one to look forward to and count down to happy days.
Like feeling so lucky after work being doted on and cared for.
Like thanks. Thank You.
Last time there used to be deadlines that I know I'll meet, signifying the end of a period and the start of a new one.
Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Somehow this time round it seems like everything is clouded and haze is all over those stuffs.
Like the ticket to freedom costs much more than the pot of gold credited into an invisible source of moolah accumulation at the end of the month.
I thought I'll come to forget the feeling of being so tired, since the 17 odd hours i put in every other day in Tok. but life always find someway or another to make a joke out of you.
So here I am, zombie-like and trying to please myself more than anything in the world.
and looking for stuff to keep me sane. things that bring me away from the feeling of being suffocated.
Like searching for the feeling of going away like last year. Like having no responsibility and smiling like all the thousands of photos in the hard disk.
Like the need to go away after a period of work. Like planning for a trip that makes it possible for one to look forward to and count down to happy days.
Like feeling so lucky after work being doted on and cared for.
Like thanks. Thank You.
April 22, 2009
Somehow keeping this blog seems like a torture recently.
I no longer find joy in sharing what I think, regardless of whether the stuff makes sense or not.
I find myself staring at the create post page blankly for goodness know how long till I know I've sat out the intense moments. then I'll type in some lame words or another that means little.
I missed those reflective moments where my thoughts go in a million directions and I spent some quality time alone communicating with myself and find out what I need and want in a particular period. I am happy when I managed to understand and love myself better every time I go through the routine memory un-cluttering process. and continue learning from myself when i look back and see it in words how i felt and reacted when i was younger, all my fears, confusion and immaturity.
Just ignore me. Some days things just hit from nowhere. Then one looks back and only realised that you've made a loop and is about at the ending point. and what's scary is not completing the race, but knowing that the ending point is right where the next starting point will be. damn!
and performance in one lap isnt going to help you win the race.
I no longer find joy in sharing what I think, regardless of whether the stuff makes sense or not.
I find myself staring at the create post page blankly for goodness know how long till I know I've sat out the intense moments. then I'll type in some lame words or another that means little.
I missed those reflective moments where my thoughts go in a million directions and I spent some quality time alone communicating with myself and find out what I need and want in a particular period. I am happy when I managed to understand and love myself better every time I go through the routine memory un-cluttering process. and continue learning from myself when i look back and see it in words how i felt and reacted when i was younger, all my fears, confusion and immaturity.
Just ignore me. Some days things just hit from nowhere. Then one looks back and only realised that you've made a loop and is about at the ending point. and what's scary is not completing the race, but knowing that the ending point is right where the next starting point will be. damn!
and performance in one lap isnt going to help you win the race.
April 08, 2009
some days i can't stop the scales from tipping
I'm still suspecting the symptoms..
TWO weeks of school plus one exam before i get my ticket to the rat race.
TWO weeks of school plus one exam before i get my ticket to the rat race.
March 26, 2009
swaying scales
Been raining on off recently. Don't ask me why. I'm no weatherman.
-
I ran a few searches regarding my suspicions. and yes, ask no questions and i'll tell you no lies.
-
I guess certain things still holds its weight on the route to self-actualisation regardless of what i've said or done to convince myself.
And i'm beginning to feel that it is the trigger of the ripple effect.
-
Every situation seems insignificant on its own.
But somehow combining them brings about an exponential effect.
-
THE swaying scales.
-
I ran a few searches regarding my suspicions. and yes, ask no questions and i'll tell you no lies.
-
I guess certain things still holds its weight on the route to self-actualisation regardless of what i've said or done to convince myself.
And i'm beginning to feel that it is the trigger of the ripple effect.
-
Every situation seems insignificant on its own.
But somehow combining them brings about an exponential effect.
-
THE swaying scales.
February 21, 2009
All the excess heat, with nowhere to disperse, rises up to my brain and my head seems to be on the verge of exploding. okay, i am talking about my temper, not my brain.
I finally gotten down to sending the pictures that i promised Mike i'll send once my laptop is functioning. and that promise is like a good 2 months ago, a good 2 months ago when I'm comfortably enjoying the start of winter in Seoul.
I hate this feeling of looking back at the all smiley pictures in folders and thinking why i am still not contented after all the happy days that i've been through. I wonder why all happy stuffs seem so surreal and that i feel as if i've never even been away for the good part of last year. maybe that's how people in coma feel. The void that is almost non-existent.
Whatever!
and it doesnt help that the newspapers are full of travel promos that tell people to get away.
ARGH! I look at those and find it hard to convince myself that i'm still me despite all that has happened. Life in this practical place picks right off where i left it in the first place. and that irks me endless.
Giving thanks for the opportunities aplenty that never fail to present themselves should we have that bit of determination and courage. and the sad part is that everything balances. so with that brings the desire and greed to want more. The more one has, the more you're given; the more you'll expect, and the harder it is for one to feel contented. and that, is exactly how i feel now.
I finally gotten down to sending the pictures that i promised Mike i'll send once my laptop is functioning. and that promise is like a good 2 months ago, a good 2 months ago when I'm comfortably enjoying the start of winter in Seoul.
I hate this feeling of looking back at the all smiley pictures in folders and thinking why i am still not contented after all the happy days that i've been through. I wonder why all happy stuffs seem so surreal and that i feel as if i've never even been away for the good part of last year. maybe that's how people in coma feel. The void that is almost non-existent.
Whatever!
and it doesnt help that the newspapers are full of travel promos that tell people to get away.
ARGH! I look at those and find it hard to convince myself that i'm still me despite all that has happened. Life in this practical place picks right off where i left it in the first place. and that irks me endless.
Giving thanks for the opportunities aplenty that never fail to present themselves should we have that bit of determination and courage. and the sad part is that everything balances. so with that brings the desire and greed to want more. The more one has, the more you're given; the more you'll expect, and the harder it is for one to feel contented. and that, is exactly how i feel now.
December 07, 2008
The constant negative temperature makes me a little emo lately.
Flurries outside my window with the sun glaring far behind, comfort music from the 90s playing softly from my laptop and the consistent engine rumbling of the heater make time go at half the rate it is supposed to. and when your world slows down, somehow everything gets magnifies and clear as keanu reeves avoiding the bullets in matrix.
I think it might be the numbing of ones senses thanks to winter and partly coz I've 2 weeks more of freedom and total independent (well, besides social support from KU khakis) left before i depart taking with me the good memories of this trip, that makes me so sensitive to my surroundings. Or maybe it's simply cause the year is coming to an end.
I'm missing my sunny island. the place where I know I'd want to return even if I have the chance to go to the moon. Like i mentioned before, you'll know where you're supposed to be cause nationality is based on where your heart belongs and not where your body happened to be born.
I think there's a need to keep reminding myself that 2008 has been a great year, much better than what i could have hoped for, ever. There is a need to reinforce the positivity so that I don't get too comfortable with all that i have and forget about giving thanks for all that I've received.
and right now i want to survive the cool winter in Seoul and return to the summer in Singapore.
Flurries outside my window with the sun glaring far behind, comfort music from the 90s playing softly from my laptop and the consistent engine rumbling of the heater make time go at half the rate it is supposed to. and when your world slows down, somehow everything gets magnifies and clear as keanu reeves avoiding the bullets in matrix.
I think it might be the numbing of ones senses thanks to winter and partly coz I've 2 weeks more of freedom and total independent (well, besides social support from KU khakis) left before i depart taking with me the good memories of this trip, that makes me so sensitive to my surroundings. Or maybe it's simply cause the year is coming to an end.
I'm missing my sunny island. the place where I know I'd want to return even if I have the chance to go to the moon. Like i mentioned before, you'll know where you're supposed to be cause nationality is based on where your heart belongs and not where your body happened to be born.
I think there's a need to keep reminding myself that 2008 has been a great year, much better than what i could have hoped for, ever. There is a need to reinforce the positivity so that I don't get too comfortable with all that i have and forget about giving thanks for all that I've received.
and right now i want to survive the cool winter in Seoul and return to the summer in Singapore.
September 21, 2008
Tired, even after 12 hours of sleep. I suppose the fatigue comes from restlessness of being alone in a confined space with nothing much to do except access to the internet and a variety of snack supply.
Today I woke up with the feeling that time is elastic and i have the whole world to myself. I sat in front of my laptop and did the usual aimless clicks on streaming websites, watching shows that i've already seen and viewing the photos that we use to record our experiences. The sun was so glaring in the afternoon and it is always in this kind of setting that makes me feel so alone. like everything seems so insignificant & unanchored, and the world will continue revolving even if i'm not a part of it.
I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side. and being away from home makes me feel like a totally different person. i need a hug. and i want it now.
Today I woke up with the feeling that time is elastic and i have the whole world to myself. I sat in front of my laptop and did the usual aimless clicks on streaming websites, watching shows that i've already seen and viewing the photos that we use to record our experiences. The sun was so glaring in the afternoon and it is always in this kind of setting that makes me feel so alone. like everything seems so insignificant & unanchored, and the world will continue revolving even if i'm not a part of it.
I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side. and being away from home makes me feel like a totally different person. i need a hug. and i want it now.
February 14, 2008
Freaky
It's scary.
To some it might be a chunk of alphabets put together.
In my eyes, it seems like a child crying in vain with a bleeding heart with no one around to help.
I can imagine thoughts screaming in the mind, the scarring beneath the smiling face, the direction-less and unanchored feelings that lead to nowhere. that's not all, what follows is being alone bearing the intolerable and trying your best to do without the indispensables..
Being enveloped by the dark. Scary thoughts that may as well drive a person insane. nothing to fall back on, without any way to rebound, and help seems like a million light years away.. what can one do when the negativities start corroding your well-being?
The tag line i set is 'Finding sanity through words, in this ever-changing world.' Always believe that we best rationalize away the negativities through words. but the fact remains that a coin has two sides and it depends on which side one is looking at.
the unimaginable disturbing feelings i get from one entry. Just one. just lines and lines of words made up of 26 characters.
How far can one reaches out to save a poor soul in need of help? and can help transcends across time and space?
so the one thing i want you to know: your pleas are heard. So try to stay away from the bad and ugly till help is rendered. i know you can do it.
To some it might be a chunk of alphabets put together.
In my eyes, it seems like a child crying in vain with a bleeding heart with no one around to help.
I can imagine thoughts screaming in the mind, the scarring beneath the smiling face, the direction-less and unanchored feelings that lead to nowhere. that's not all, what follows is being alone bearing the intolerable and trying your best to do without the indispensables..
Being enveloped by the dark. Scary thoughts that may as well drive a person insane. nothing to fall back on, without any way to rebound, and help seems like a million light years away.. what can one do when the negativities start corroding your well-being?
The tag line i set is 'Finding sanity through words, in this ever-changing world.' Always believe that we best rationalize away the negativities through words. but the fact remains that a coin has two sides and it depends on which side one is looking at.
the unimaginable disturbing feelings i get from one entry. Just one. just lines and lines of words made up of 26 characters.
How far can one reaches out to save a poor soul in need of help? and can help transcends across time and space?
so the one thing i want you to know: your pleas are heard. So try to stay away from the bad and ugly till help is rendered. i know you can do it.
February 08, 2008
Maybe one can refer to number 232 to see that i still stand by my belief. and that sometimes, reasons are just excuses regardless of the effort put in to convince/persuade another.
A little emo these few days. I wonder if it's just the festive season, the alcohol, or the fact that i've been listening to this Kenny G compilation.
I've in mind 5 people i badly want to share some news with, sooner or later, face-to-face. and let's just say that i'm not so sure if the number stands at 5 right now.
Before i start the usual emo-regulating process, i realised there is actually no need for that as i've that amazing indifferent attitude of mine in place. Whatever. really. it didnt bother me one bit. Maybe i'm too busy with ongoing stuffs and responsibilities. or it didnt matter then, now or ever.
-----------------------------------------------------------
New year is supposed to be a great season, for reinforcing ties with relatives and love ones.. Yet this year, there's this tinge of sadness no matter where i go, like a dark cloud looming above my head.
On Tues i was at the ca**** ward trying to spread the festive joy with patients, trying my very best to rub off some of the enthusiasm that i was feeling then hoping that they can feel a little better about spending the new year in a place that smells like antiseptic no matter where you turn and gloomy faces greeting you no matter which direction you look. Much as i've said about me being apathetic, there's no denying that i'm a weakling since i'm made from flesh and blood.
I salute the caregivers. Their profession is one that should be right at the top of Maslow's hierarchy. It takes so much effort to try to do what i was supposed to do when in actual fact i guess if i were in the family's shoes, i'd very much rather 'I' leave them alone. Surrounding someone's bed, trying to spend the last few living moments together. The struggles and attempts to stay normal, behaving as usual despite feeling someone's life slipping away.. It's bad enough without some 'supposedly' kind and helpful people who come once in a blue moon and try to make themselves feel better by doing what THEY think is right and good to a whole group of people who might not need it anyway.
That day i walked away from that place feeling so insignificant, so insensitive, so useless and helpless. and the joke of the day is that despite that, life still goes on. Nothing matters (as much as we think it does).
Pardon this emo entry. Kenny G and Josh Groban are apt at creating such an atmosphere..
If there's a 'To happier stuffs' for me to continue, i'll gladly do so. But i'm afraid there isnt. and this year there's no need for the second chance to make things right. So it doesnt seem to matter whether i'm a Chinese or not.
A little emo these few days. I wonder if it's just the festive season, the alcohol, or the fact that i've been listening to this Kenny G compilation.
I've in mind 5 people i badly want to share some news with, sooner or later, face-to-face. and let's just say that i'm not so sure if the number stands at 5 right now.
Before i start the usual emo-regulating process, i realised there is actually no need for that as i've that amazing indifferent attitude of mine in place. Whatever. really. it didnt bother me one bit. Maybe i'm too busy with ongoing stuffs and responsibilities. or it didnt matter then, now or ever.
-----------------------------------------------------------
New year is supposed to be a great season, for reinforcing ties with relatives and love ones.. Yet this year, there's this tinge of sadness no matter where i go, like a dark cloud looming above my head.
On Tues i was at the ca**** ward trying to spread the festive joy with patients, trying my very best to rub off some of the enthusiasm that i was feeling then hoping that they can feel a little better about spending the new year in a place that smells like antiseptic no matter where you turn and gloomy faces greeting you no matter which direction you look. Much as i've said about me being apathetic, there's no denying that i'm a weakling since i'm made from flesh and blood.
I salute the caregivers. Their profession is one that should be right at the top of Maslow's hierarchy. It takes so much effort to try to do what i was supposed to do when in actual fact i guess if i were in the family's shoes, i'd very much rather 'I' leave them alone. Surrounding someone's bed, trying to spend the last few living moments together. The struggles and attempts to stay normal, behaving as usual despite feeling someone's life slipping away.. It's bad enough without some 'supposedly' kind and helpful people who come once in a blue moon and try to make themselves feel better by doing what THEY think is right and good to a whole group of people who might not need it anyway.
That day i walked away from that place feeling so insignificant, so insensitive, so useless and helpless. and the joke of the day is that despite that, life still goes on. Nothing matters (as much as we think it does).
Pardon this emo entry. Kenny G and Josh Groban are apt at creating such an atmosphere..
If there's a 'To happier stuffs' for me to continue, i'll gladly do so. But i'm afraid there isnt. and this year there's no need for the second chance to make things right. So it doesnt seem to matter whether i'm a Chinese or not.
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