Behind the line, awaiting the right time to take the leap of faith and in the process of accumulating courage.

Sometimes i really feel like slapping myself, at least that might be able to serve as a wake up call.
and there is no dilemma to begin with. NOT at all. I made the decision before i turned 21, and has been working hard towards it after knowing what i want then. Now that i am THIS close to grasping that bright shining star, i start having reservations.. Feels EXACTLY like being on the starting line during sports day waiting for the guest-of-honor to pull the trigger to begin the race. After working hard to be qualified to compete in the finals, suddenly you start having doubts and then go on to thoughts on giving up, even before the race begins.

It's kinda hard to explain why. I have no idea where the confidence and optimism went. I guess i'm afraid, that i cannot live up to expectations, of not being good enough. that the luck that i've had all these years might just run out when i needed it most. and it's kinda annoying that a person with internal locus of control starts faltering and allow extrinsic influences to take over.

Fickle-minded. what if i realise that my passion lies somewhere ELSE after this semester? what if there are better opportunities out there? what if i am limiting myself way too much and viewing the world from the bottom of the well? then again, i applied when i am barely halfway through BECAUSE i believe my future self will be able to handle come what may. Now that i am IN the future, i find myself stuck despite my confidence and strong belief then.

Everyone has been encouraging, and i think that i'm damn lucky. BUT what if, what if it isnt meant to be? that means i have to live 1000 days in misery. not that i cant overcome that (my mom has been extremely optimistic, telling me that if i cant handle it, no one will be able to), but i don't think i want to put myself through that.

One educator changed my life. ONE. in barely a semester. and in today's OB class, VL was saying that how things turn out in life is based on the choices that you make 90% of the time, which is dependent on the 10% events that will happen anyway.

It's the choices we make that determine who we are today. so back to the topic, should i take another step forward into the glaring light though i cant see what's ahead?