Beyond the facade

I think the floor theme should be 'Confession of an overage teenager.'

Goes well with the 'got depth' framework with mirrors, lift button strictly 'not for grownups', the kid's party streamers and lots of cutesy shimmering hearts hung on ceiling and a half constructed supposedly cozy corner.

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The oh-so-lame things that i thought were beyond my imagination, at least until yesterday.
Seems like even as we mature in age, our inner selves may well remain childlike forever.
The excuses we made up ever so often to get about our daily lives makes me wonder how long more we are going to deceive ourselves and to what extent just to feel better, for you, me and the world at large.

I've been trying not to get emotionally affected by a certain behavior, especially disappearing acts. It makes me wonder (again) why the more technology advances, the more faults and problems we seem to find and/or identify with. and the contradiction here is that most of the issues have to be solved, somehow or another, via another major technological breakthrough. and let's just say i'm so looking forward to teleportation, time freezing and precise biometric tracking system linked to GPS.

Three weeks into school and it feels like i'm halfway through the semester. I've begin to think of room as home and the act of walking back to hall as a routine act like taking a bus trip back to HG. Growing accustomed to the convenience, and the feeling of being independent. Minimal communication with my siblings means lesser frictions, especially when they're at what Erikson termed as 'identity vs identity confusion' stage.

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Opportunities aplenty. Abundant room for growth and a million reasons to take (more) risks.
The initial appeal usually intensifies then die away completely, like echo in the mountains.
Now i find myself equipped with everything but the right mood to take up MORE responsibilities and commitment for stuff that i know i wont be able to handle with my personality and lousy time management, especially on top of the pile of schoolwork that is increasing at an accelerating speed.

digression:
I like my room. I think it is how i'd like my room to be. A little messy yet in order. Things in their right places and inventory minimised yet the entire supply chain optimised, keeping total costs low. I like the way the sun streamed through my blinds in the morning in the exact angle that i left the night before so that i can wake up with the sun shining brightly in my face, welcoming me to a whole new day. I like just how the PSA lights glow in the distance at night with the street lamps lined up solitary in the streets and me being able to see through my snowflake glasses if i want to empty my mind. I am grateful for the fact that the condo next door isnt ready yet so i can leave my blinds undrawn the entire day without having the feeling that someone opposite is peeping. I like it that i can see greenery from where i am sitting instead of the windows of yet another room. I like the fact that i'm living at the highest floor possible for females and that the floor above me is the rooftop. I consider myself lucky that i am NOT placed is a strategic location where the afternoon sun shines in and make my room a sauna.

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Learn as we go along.. thinking that you've found the center of the onion only to realise that what lies beneath the layer of skin is yet another skin and you can go on and on thinking that you're just one step away from the truth only to find more layers to be uncovered.. and tearing as you go along..

Beyond the facade, may well be another.

Out of control

Feel so comfortable at home that i can't wait to get back to hall. Seriously, i don't think i can get constructive things done at home, if any at all.

Looking at my damn organizer, i find the weeks leading up to CNY fully packed, and that excludes the to-be-scheduled-meetings and activities that follow. and i've never seen my planner so packed just 2 weeks into school. and now i'm wondering whether to return home, or not, for this coming week. and just how should i let Von know that work is definitely out till i have better time management.

Half truths = lies??

Told a half truth. Not really a half truth but rather, what i was thinking seemed true yet after serious consideration, sounds like a lie. Maybe i should have said otherwise but then again, it doesnt matter. really. At least not at this point in time.

If i'm saying what i think is true yet it turns out that the truth is sitting on a fence, like so many of us do, then what have i done? told a lie?

Whatever it is, i guess we still think about what others think of us more than they actually do. So i shall let it go at that.

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VL was saying it MAY BE possible for an introvert to be high self monitoring, since there's the saying - still water runs deep. I've taken 3 gigantic steps in 2 days, and have been on 'impulse agreeable' mode for the entire week.

Went for handball match today at the netball court. and boy~ dont i missed sports! I missed the cheering till you feel your voice cracking, i missed shouting goodness-know-whether-the-players-can-hear-what-i-say cheers, i missed the desire for victory that is shared with everyone in the same team, i missed the silent smiles and nods that are exchanged on the field, the absolute trust between teammates and such..

When entries veer towards this kind of direction, i know i'm closer to where i want to be, who i want to be, what i want to be. All it takes is that little effort. BRING IT ON!

If only i stop making assumptions. Then again, i got the indifferent attitude to cope with.

It's surprising how the number of hours i spend facing the laptop isn't in proportionate to more shows/ longer entries and such. It's the number of minutes that tick by without any accomplishment that kind of.. you know.. irritates me endless..

Yet another week. I'm counting down, or rather, trying not to. 15 more weeks to the end of this term. If only I can get past not being judged by people who follow the norm in this superficial society, perhaps i'll be an entire different person. Then again, it's too late. I've alr found myself walking en route the future.

To those who are still aimless with life, the only think i recalled from OB this week is that studies have shown that generally, people who are unhappy or don't like school tend to bring with them the same mentality when they go out to work. Somehow or another, they'll be discontented with life in every step of the way, all the way till they die.

Wasn't i glad that i got the personality of a White. Apathy still rules despite unhappy times.

That makes me a little contented, yet a little sad.

At the receiver end of nice comments.

The stuff people say that can make me feel good.

Possibilities aplenty.

I like the feeling of being in a time period where things are ambiguous..

Like the period after an interview, being confused on which decision to make, which road to choose, pending application acceptance, the moments before the start of sth new and such.. It's like waiting for something that has infinite possibilities.. somehow that time frame seems most comforting.. like walking along the scales without responsibility except to try to keep your balance. But there's not much to worry because you always balance. just that sometimes you balance on your butt.

Random. An outlet for the randomness..

I've finally gotten back to writing journals.
I figured that there's always something that one has to make known, yet keep a secret.

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Been reassuring myself that everything will turn out fine this year.
I've made it clear that this time round i'll lean far out. and hopefully whatever follows is what i've foreseen. Even if it doesnt, i'll take with me all that's left in a matter of weeks. 17 to be exact. Then return whole and new.

TGIF. TGIF. TGIF. TGIF. TGIF. TGIF.

I'm home!! I missed the scent of home. the smell of fresh linen airing and squeaky clean floor detergent.. i missed mum's cooking. so i ate 2 bowls of rice at 12 midnight when i got home. now i feel super contented with the familiars around me.. the usual untidy room, my clean bathroom, clean floor, comfy chair etc.. and the luxury of opening the fridge and choosing a drink out from more than 5 choices. i missed bickering with my siblings on the mundane stuff like why she converted my bed as a tabletop and her asking me to move out quickly coz i generate a lot of noise at home..

A room can never be compared to a home.

Home is where the heart is.
It is also where the start is.

The internet port in my room wasnt compatible with my laptop. So i spent 2 whole days listening to songs, viewing pictures and rearranging folders in my laptop. and i guess i can be considered handicapped without access to the internet.

My room feels bare. Now I know why YQ felt that way.. unpacking, unpacking with this lonely feeling. It’s like moving away to an entire different region without the familiars close by. I tried making it as close to home as possible BUT somehow it just seems like I’ve gone on a long camp… Everything’s in order and I am feeling lost... so I pretty much figured I still rely too much on the anchored feeling…

Beauty World was good. cha cha cha..
Parts of the songs that i like and can remember:

I should be the first to know,
where the road i'm taking goes.
If I fall then i suppose,
that this road, must be wrong.

I learnt something all these years,
how to turn on those crocodile tears.

I may seem like a perfect girl,
not a care in the whole wide world.
I may seem self-assured and strong,
confident, Ivy you are wrong.

Single in Sngapore, you dont know what you're in for.
Just pray that someday you'll find who you're looking for.

Searching for answers but finding more questions.

Funny how our lives are full of changes.
Funny how friends are made from strangers.

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All the best to me tomorrow! today!
I'll once again put o my best smile and behaviour in search of better tomorrows, with the sign loud and clear outside my windows.

Reminisce

Dad is away, I'm going away too. Not far, but still, away from home. I kinda miss home even before i move out. Singapore aint that big i know, but something seems to be missing.. Like a strong presence disappearing.. I swear i'm going to think up a list of makanan for mom to whip up when i get home every week..

Sent boon to TP for training this morning. I missed Tembusu Grove, missed training in the rain, setting up and clearing the range, loading trolley with bottles, writing reflections and update on weather condition in my training notebook before debrief, mental calculation on scores, indulging in being an optimistic pessimist, bow exercises, the long warm up and super short cool down, stringing up bows, fletching. yes, even fletching. oh. and i missed the food. =(

Driving along old tampines road brings back memories of the bus 72, Mac ice-cream, GV outings and Bedok int celebration after papers with the girls. Bitching about you-know-who, the stories that we never seem to get bored of. Saffron is now on a scale so large i couldnt piece my experiences at that small place in a corner of business with the current building near the pool. Saffron used to be this cosy small restaurant hidden from the nasty customers of the leaders of tomorrow for noobs waitstaffs to test out their skills and have fun. Now it seems like an outlet for people with money to spare and staffs that are there for upgrading of skills instead of a place for learning from scratch. It kinda hit me that the course has progressed this far ever since the IR project started AND me graduating.

I dunno what sparked off this emo session but i guess i have to reassure myself yet again that there's nothing to worry about, coz change is the only constant.

True to your heart. You must be true to your heart.

I guess being comfortable and natural without false pretenses in the presence of others make all the difference.

Instead of the polite thank you, professional acknowledgement and sincere apology, i found myself replying with that excited voice as i would to a good friend. I know i am truly grateful and lucky when i dont even want to try containing happiness for an impression that i couldnt be bothered to upkeep.

Now i really hope to keep the goal in mind, with confidence and optimism at their peaks.

Work was great despite the fact that sales was as slow as or slower than snail. I managed to keep a conversation going for 8 long hours.. Just imagine the amount of nonsense i managed to sprout.. lolx.. and i seriously wonder just where my limit is.

A new colleague called to check if i'm good to take some slot during the 1st week of school, for a performance that i've been waiting for since last year.. and it sure feels good being at the receiving end of a sharing session, so far.. means a lot to me in terms of job satisfaction.. that's what i term pleasing internal customers.. and i swear i'm going to pass it on. lolx..

2008 WILL BE a fantastic year. and i'll walk along the scales should it tip.. so hakuna matata!!!

One missed call

Moving into hall is a challenge liken to migrating. I find myself adding stuff to that never ending list of 'to-brings' written on multiple post-it slips..

Been trying to keep things to a minimum but as far as i can see, i'm failing terribly.. and i can imagine just how much MORE things i'm going to have to move out once sem ends and having to pack MORE stuff for Alaska.

Dad will be boarding the plane this weekend to UK, and stopping over at Rome.. If only the semester starts three weeks later. I might be on the same plane having the time of my life then, and not discussing with my bro who get to use the car on which day for that 2 weeks.. and i dont seem to be able to justify why i need to car when i'm moving into hall first thing on Monday.. Grrrrr...

Learning to be more independent.. Gotta put aside the reliance for once. and i definitely need more of Thierry's scent.

Feel of my spirit is too old for me to understand

Being mistaken for being older than i am just by the way i carry myself.

You don't look old. But you most certainly don't behave like other 21s.. The way you speak and act. Isn't as childish as others.

What's new? ... As usual.. and i dunno if i should laugh or cry.. but this time round, i take that as a compliment.

Was told that i should be happy because there'll be a point in time when the differences end and i'll be able to appreciate the disparity.

Right now all i want is the ability to see myself the way others see me. Then, i will (might) be able to understand the reasons behind the impression i give others.

Leaning far out

Gave myself yet another break in the midst of using work as an opportunity to find out just how much yusof ishaks means to me. and as far as i can see, it means a lot more than i think is healthy.

Finally gotten down to doing the ONE thing i think i desperately need to do- reorganizing. Actually if i handle stuff by prioritizing them, then clearing my notes would be the first on my list, followed by clearing the clutter in my room. Then again, it's the holidays so i deserve a break. In order not to let this off day go to waste, i reorganized a whole lot of stuff- in my email inbox. lolx.. it's the one thing i can accomplish just by sitting in front of a screen and moving my fingers.

Finding time to connect with myself. Found time to connect with myself. Made me feel better about a whole load of stuff that i figured aint worth my energy in the first place. This holiday, i think i've taken gigantic steps towards the better tomorrows.

This is the center of the universe at this moment unless you're looking in
another direction or are thinking about something from a long time ago, in which
case it will wait quietly right here until you return.

yesh. i guess everything always comes at the right time. just that we ourselves aint ready or don't have the right attitude to welcome whatever happens with open arms. In which case, we just have to spend (MORE) time trying to figure out just how long more till the RIGHT time comes along and when we're finally ready, things fall nicely into place without you ever realizing that yours is the only world not revolving till now.

and time still stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life. Embrace simplicity and be grateful for the little things in life. (yeah. am trying hard to..)

To the friends around me who have the patience to sieve through my long-winded way of communication, thanks for being a tolerant audience. Many a time, the important stuff gets cluttered with a whole lot of others that makes sense only if you're patient enough.

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Digression...

First impression counts i know, but it certainly does not help if people judge based on looks especially if what i want to do or is doing isnt what others think i am suitable for.

Take work for example. I'm a female, so that makes me a weakling who cant carry heavy stuff and has to let those big strong guys take over. If i look feminine, then automatically i am not the candidate for blue collar jobs that dont include air-conditioning and office attire in the code of conduct/ regulations/ staff welfare etc.. They'll put me in say Human Resource or administration. That pisses me off, big time. No wonder people with an artistic flare gotta dress differently to show their sense of belonging. ARGH.

I am now thinking of forgoing my long hair, and changing my entire wardrobe, throw away my dresses, skirts and get a bike license.. oh.. and start speaking loudly in public, which aint a difficulty.

You know, i'm willing to accept that i myself create my own reality, except the fact that for some parts i really have no idea what i was thinking. somewhere along those lines, i am who i am now coz of social norms.. part of me wants to belong to the majority, but i know i'll regret it if i stay with the masses forever. Time for a change i guess. at least for awhile.

Taking risks. Like the title, this season i couldnt stand the adopt a wait-and-see approach. I'll just lean as far as i can, furthest out i want to, and stop worrying about what will happen..

Last gathering before term starts.

Walking around Pasir Ris Park at night beats the afternoon sun. But the day would have ended better if cycling wasn't canceled due to the rain.

The games were fun. Thanks YQ.
The IQ questions were great, thanks to KK, though it was extremely irritating trying to make the brain work at 3 in the morning with the effects of alcohol in the body.
The questions made me see the bigGER picture, to not be trapped in that frame of thought forever. Look out.

Amazed at how gu niang KK is compared to the rest of us girls. His entire range of hair care, face care, moisturiser and what not leaves me/us speechless. maybe i should start being diligent in usage. lolx..

All that aside, i must say i'm contented with what i have. I cant imagine living like strangers in a house, getting about our daily activities without crossing paths, minimal communication. It's a total opposite env from the one i was brought up.

Having stuffs aint the only way to show your wealth. Mine is filled with intangibles that are priceless. I am rich beyond imagination. lolx...

That's comforting.. To remind myself to stay contented every now and then when wants seem to eat into my sanity..

All the best to me tomorrow.

I'll put on my best smile and behavior in search of better tomorrows. all with PSA in mind.

1st impression counts

Finally met boss and lady boss at work, got my pay for the month of December, and received a belated Christmas gift from Lady boss herself. Many thanks..

Besides the pleasant surprise, both of them invited me again to the company dinner next week and after they left, V told me that lady boss decided to raise my pay, and the uniform is going to come in by next week. Now, that's what i call great news for a new beginning. Then just when i thought today's sales was horrible due to the lazy weather, some last minute shoppers made my day. i went home a little later, but on a lighter mood.

Upon reaching home, i received a msg from a new colleague asking if i'm free to take over work. Thanks man. That's what i've been looking forward to. BW~

and the only thing that is bugging me now is the headache that wont go away ever since i flipped through my old text on cash flow statements.. I wonder how i'm going to help if i cant even recall what i've studied a year ago..
All the best.

and surprisingly, that didnt leave me fretting and thinking what and how i should react next. One step at a time i guess.

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires will come to you

If your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star as dreamers do

(Fate is kind, she brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing)

Like a bolt out of the blue, fate steps in and sees you thru
When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true



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There's this thing with Disney that brings out the child in me, long after knowing and understanding that fairy tales don't exist outside of books.. Stepping into fantasyland, strolling in front of sleeping beauty's castle, walking around the gardens of dreamland and being whizzed into space, amongst many others.

It's like no matter how old i am, i can trust Disney to make me feel childlike again.

Hate to grow up..

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

All set and ready for a new start. The fireworks at Marina Bay wasnt even half as nice as those i saw in Disneyland. The music wasn't in sync with the fireworks, the people were all pushing and chatting in the midst of the fireworks display, and most of all, i wasnt with the right coy.

despite the disappointment, things went much smoother than expected for most part of the day. Cheers, to a great end and even better start.

Went AVP2 watching today and boy, wasnt i surprised to find myself surrounded by youths rushing to celebrate before the new school term starts tomorrow!
Some lame excuses, and the sense of sheepishness. could barely keep my eyes open during the movie, with bad bad lighting and slimy creatures.. It's as good as watching a home made video taken by some inexperienced person moving the recorder about. Gave me a headache and it took all my energy just to stay awake.

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New Year is the perfect time for a new start, though beginnings should never be restricted..

If i say i'm comfortable with whatever i have now, should i still start something new? Will what i start affect what i will be doing?

What if i tell you i don't want one? will you then leave me alone or go ahead with whatever?

Sometimes frustrations leave me wondering what reaction i should have to be considered normal.

Luckily this season i am sure of what i want and what i don't. so bring it on 2008!