Welcome confusion with open arms.
Kepping things simple. Or want to.
But the world doesnt wait ard for those who want less.
Life got complicated and left me behind.

oh great. 2 weeks have passed, even before i have the chance to wave sayo to carefree life in preparation for uni.

made the decision to quit last month so that i'll have ample time to rest, and start anew. then again, my 'start-anews' have also been unsuccessful (for as long as i can remember).

To my friends out there, many thanks for your concern. I'm fine now. really.
Just that everytime i walk pass his room, i'll sneak a peep to find the bed and sofa gone.
Maybe i shld grieve for a longer period of time. but then again, there is only so much u can do when ur tears run dry. Right now i cant find a reason good enough for the tear to drop. memories are just moments to remember, or so i choose to believe.

I know i shldnt be harping on the same issue over and over agin but somehow, i know guilt will come creeping if i start to forget.. when i start to move on, i'll leave him behind. just like i did her. it's just that i'll think of the person lesser each time until i wont remember if i dun remind myself.. but well, isnt that a good sign?

everytime i go overseas, i'll make it a point to let something go. come back with a lighten heart i suppose. with my head up in the clouds, i set off on a journey wanting to leave a part of me behind deliberately so that i can prepare myself for more things to come. that might be the reason why i tend to want to return to places that i've been to. in search of memories maybe. Most i've succeeded, some i failed. but as far as i am concern, this is enough.

i need a hug back then. was thinking it is the world's best anti-depressant.
thanks for your offer ching. (=

life has in store surprises aplenty. my 1st marketing lec i sat beside this girl who intro herself as ching ching. for a moment i was *huh, come again.. how do you spell it?
then i saw Dara in my social work lec. and i am actually having the tourism sociology cls together with meng yong and xiao ling. talking about coincidences. of course the someone above doesnt always have in store lovely stuff. but well, i like the okay VS not-okay ratio.

right now, the only thing i can think about is going overseas and not studies. call me a tortise. i dun care. krabi will be nice, but Aust is a better option - further out anyway.

Was in school when i got the news that he's having breathing difficulty.

Didnt rush down immediately coz i was thinking i cant save him anyway.

Got the call just before the lec on human development in the lifespan. Dad told me he's dead.

The lecture sux, big time. I was alone, in a daze, listening to the lecturer going on about pple growing up and eventually die and felt like screaming 'he's dead. just like you say.'
i really dunno why i sat thru the lec, fighting back tears.
got out right after lec to find that it was raining outside. heavy downpour matches my mood.

waited for cab in NUS in the rain. that was when i truly understands why they use the phrase 'unsure whether the thing on my face is rain or tears.' raining tears. guess the rain came at the right time. pple must be thinking i'm mad. lucky they didnt see me crying.

got up a cab, still in a daze. guess the uncle knew. didnt say anything thruout the journey. i was tearing, tearing, tearing the whole way. reached my grandpa's place only to find the void deck set up.

ceremony of laying him to rest in the coffin was scheduled in the afternoon. i guess i never want to face the same situaiton ever again. knowing that from that point onwards, it is impossible to have any form of physical connection again. they sealed the coffin. i remembered his silence. me hearing my thoughts screaming. i didnt say goodbye to him the night before you know. i did all the previous visits at SGH. but i didnt that night. didint tell him i'll be visiting the next day. and he's gone. before i have the chance.

the mandai crematorium is nice, if it's not for that kinda thing. they managed to make the whole place serene and calm. it's my emotions that werent.

they decorated the whole coffin lid with flowers. it was lovely. guess that lightened our spirits a little. at least mine. my uncle broke down when they told us to have our last words. someone guided us to the viewing hall. i hate that place. it was where a machine was programmed to carry the coffin to the furnace entrance. i see the door opening and the machine moved in. frm the buddhism and taoism point of view, we should chant amitabha so that he will reach nirvana sooner. we chanted, until we couldnt anymore. i saw the doow closing. and lose control. flashbacks from 7 years ago. my grandma was cremated at mount vernon. there, they go by the old fashion way. 2 strong men pushed the coffin. literally, pushed in into the furnace. that is the ultimate. i'm glad they changed it this time round. make it a little easier for me to bear. just a little.

my way of saying goodbye. i folded so many. one after another. for the sake that he'll find my grandma sooner. my last word with him was that. he was a man of few words. he didnt like to talk and was serious. neighbours who ame to pay their last respect said that we are a honest, simple family. gambling is not allowed. noone raises their voices at home. no running about the house. strict unspoken family rules that everyone abides. discipline. very. have to ask for permission to open the fridge. wasnt allowed to drink water during dinner. cant switch on the tv when my grandpa is ard unless it's a documentary. no loud music. just everyone quietly getting about their chores living life. simplicity. guess that's the value he wants to instil.

He's a fortunate man. everyone says so. live to a ripe old age of 82. with all his grandchildren grown up. my cousin managed to take a pic with him on her uni graduation day. he was contented. but lonely for 7 years. guess the past few years had been quite unbearable. he didnt say it. but we know. was saying he's just waiting for death to come. i dont visit him as often compared to sec school. during the growing up proces, i sort of take it all for granted. they call it the survivor's guilt. but i was glad he spent the last 2 weeks of his life in hospital. at least everyone of us visited him and get to see him. and it was during his hospitalisation that i know his full name for the first time. how can i live my life for close to 20 years with more than 3/4 of my life with him yet i dunno his name. and it was until the ceremony that i realised my parents and relatives dun call him dad. they called him 'ah zek', meaning uncle in chinese. mom told me pple of the older generation believe that it is easier to raise their kids of the parent-child relationship is not that close, hence many chose to let their children call them 'aunt' and 'uncle' instead of the usual mom and dad.

i guess i sorta prepared myself for this. but i cant explain why there's still this void in my life for the past week. letting go. didnt i say that it has always been my greatest weakness?

He's gone. On August 15.

Letting go

Aint in a fantastic mood recently.

Can't seem to bring myself to enjoy orientation to the fullest.

It has been confirmed.

Was told the news after Dean's evening.

He's brain dead, but still alive. His heart is still functioning and they're still feeding him milk.

I know that there is no chance of him waking up. It's kinda sad when u know there isnt even a slim chance. Not even hope for a miracle.

Didnt go down to visit him due to orientation. was feeling kinda guilty coz i still went for orientation when he's in such a state. but then again, it's like i'll only get orientated once in my uni life.. one step at a time i guess.

I really have no idea how much more time we have with him. Was told by the Doc what we usually hear on TV- might be tonight, tomorrow or next week. was hoping we could somehow buy more time. more time to prepare ourselves for the goodbye. more time to accept the fact that no one lives forever and it's a natural process to pass on somehow, someday.

I guess i need more time for self-talks so that i can be prepared, come what may.

I dunno abt the rest. but letting go has always been my greatest weakness.

Nationality should be determined by where your heart feels at home, not by where your body happened to be born.

Happy Birthday Singapore!

went flagging yesterday with the yo-sul peeps.

this is one flag day that i will remember for the rest of my life.
12 hrs of flagging = madness.

but 'business' aint too bad. pple are quite generous though there were like 3 diff grps of pple asking for donations.

there's the NUS flag day, NYJC flag day and the Straits Times pocket money fund flag day.
I like the NY donation sticker though. lolx.

had dinner with the OG peeps. aint to bad. they drove us to chomp chomp (haven been there for ages) and realised that the place is somewhat the same before and after reno. so basically, i think it's a waste of money renovating. the food is still nice though, and oily-as usual.

next up is the Dean's evening.

He will be in that state till he pass on.

none of us cried buckets. so i reckon we're somehow prepared for the truth.

someday i wish i could be like him. spending my last few moments in a deep sleep that last till forever.

we're all surprisingly optimistic, still holding on to the thing called 'miracle'.

he looks so much like himself taking an afternoon nap at home. so childlike.
and he has that kinda look on his face that we just cant bear to wake him up.

pls God, if you want, take him away in this state that he's in.
let there be no more pain or sense of helplessness.
this is the last thing i can do for him.

bored. to tears.

i sat beside the hospital bed feeling helpless. there's only so much u can do. and you leave the rest to fate.

the doctors told us that it's serious. i dunno whether to feel bad about it coz they have the kinda oh-well-he's-just-too-old-can't-help-it kinda face or to feel good coz it'll mean the end to 7 years of suffering.

the older we get, the more we learn to let go, or the more we should learn to hold on?

Let the magic begins..

1st day of 0week orientation over... i cant believe i sat thru the endless talks that lasted for more than 3/4 of the day.

seriously speaking, poly orientation like more fun huh.. or maybe the OGs are more on..

i dunno why it's called orientation when there's no cheers, no games and minimal bonding. lolx. but hey, maybe this is what uni life is all about.. perhaps.. yet to know.

there goes my last day in TMS.

i wasnt touched, but i felt like crying.

the FOM treated me to lunch (i had a 1hr 45 mins break), together with my rsvns mngr and assistant mngr plus the admin exec.
it's just that i never expected her to show any appreciation coz i was there just to 'help out' as a temp staff and didnt get to work with her directly.
so maybe it's just an excuse to eat out with a group of pple..

my department peeps said lots of nice farewell words. they gave me taka vouchers as a gift coz they say they dun really hav any idea what to get me. it's just that one line inside the env and my eyes got teary.

i started missing all their dialect converastions and emotional expressions even before i left.
i stood at the checkpoint thinking this may well be the last time i get to punch in and out.

then i start regretting i haven say farewell to my fav security guard, the 2 very friendly aunties, Rai, Doreen, Mr. Tay, Jimmy, Caleen, Cassandra and so on.. these are the few pple that i really enjoyed working with in this organisation that i slogged for 15 months. and i still cant believe it's been 15 long months. i once told myself that the longest time i'll ever stay in the same organisaiton is probably a year. and i'm now over that limit.

had a rather empty day today. no fulfilment, no sense of achievement. not even tiredness. i'm starting to enjoy the kinda exhausted feeling that leads to the desire to want to have a good rest. maybe that's what all working adults are looking for at the end of the day. a comfort spot to recharge.