Was in school when i got the news that he's having breathing difficulty.

Didnt rush down immediately coz i was thinking i cant save him anyway.

Got the call just before the lec on human development in the lifespan. Dad told me he's dead.

The lecture sux, big time. I was alone, in a daze, listening to the lecturer going on about pple growing up and eventually die and felt like screaming 'he's dead. just like you say.'
i really dunno why i sat thru the lec, fighting back tears.
got out right after lec to find that it was raining outside. heavy downpour matches my mood.

waited for cab in NUS in the rain. that was when i truly understands why they use the phrase 'unsure whether the thing on my face is rain or tears.' raining tears. guess the rain came at the right time. pple must be thinking i'm mad. lucky they didnt see me crying.

got up a cab, still in a daze. guess the uncle knew. didnt say anything thruout the journey. i was tearing, tearing, tearing the whole way. reached my grandpa's place only to find the void deck set up.

ceremony of laying him to rest in the coffin was scheduled in the afternoon. i guess i never want to face the same situaiton ever again. knowing that from that point onwards, it is impossible to have any form of physical connection again. they sealed the coffin. i remembered his silence. me hearing my thoughts screaming. i didnt say goodbye to him the night before you know. i did all the previous visits at SGH. but i didnt that night. didint tell him i'll be visiting the next day. and he's gone. before i have the chance.

the mandai crematorium is nice, if it's not for that kinda thing. they managed to make the whole place serene and calm. it's my emotions that werent.

they decorated the whole coffin lid with flowers. it was lovely. guess that lightened our spirits a little. at least mine. my uncle broke down when they told us to have our last words. someone guided us to the viewing hall. i hate that place. it was where a machine was programmed to carry the coffin to the furnace entrance. i see the door opening and the machine moved in. frm the buddhism and taoism point of view, we should chant amitabha so that he will reach nirvana sooner. we chanted, until we couldnt anymore. i saw the doow closing. and lose control. flashbacks from 7 years ago. my grandma was cremated at mount vernon. there, they go by the old fashion way. 2 strong men pushed the coffin. literally, pushed in into the furnace. that is the ultimate. i'm glad they changed it this time round. make it a little easier for me to bear. just a little.

my way of saying goodbye. i folded so many. one after another. for the sake that he'll find my grandma sooner. my last word with him was that. he was a man of few words. he didnt like to talk and was serious. neighbours who ame to pay their last respect said that we are a honest, simple family. gambling is not allowed. noone raises their voices at home. no running about the house. strict unspoken family rules that everyone abides. discipline. very. have to ask for permission to open the fridge. wasnt allowed to drink water during dinner. cant switch on the tv when my grandpa is ard unless it's a documentary. no loud music. just everyone quietly getting about their chores living life. simplicity. guess that's the value he wants to instil.

He's a fortunate man. everyone says so. live to a ripe old age of 82. with all his grandchildren grown up. my cousin managed to take a pic with him on her uni graduation day. he was contented. but lonely for 7 years. guess the past few years had been quite unbearable. he didnt say it. but we know. was saying he's just waiting for death to come. i dont visit him as often compared to sec school. during the growing up proces, i sort of take it all for granted. they call it the survivor's guilt. but i was glad he spent the last 2 weeks of his life in hospital. at least everyone of us visited him and get to see him. and it was during his hospitalisation that i know his full name for the first time. how can i live my life for close to 20 years with more than 3/4 of my life with him yet i dunno his name. and it was until the ceremony that i realised my parents and relatives dun call him dad. they called him 'ah zek', meaning uncle in chinese. mom told me pple of the older generation believe that it is easier to raise their kids of the parent-child relationship is not that close, hence many chose to let their children call them 'aunt' and 'uncle' instead of the usual mom and dad.

i guess i sorta prepared myself for this. but i cant explain why there's still this void in my life for the past week. letting go. didnt i say that it has always been my greatest weakness?