29-04-2008

29th April:

There's this sense of direction-less after MA paper today, like nothing i do will ever concern what I've learnt. As if two parallel lines will run into infinity. I'll cope with the helplessness and feeling of emptiness somehow. and this time round it's so much more bearable.

I'll be leaving next friday. In 10 days time i'll wave farewell to all that i love and embark on a journey with the return tix set for over a hundred days away. Somewhere where help is a phone call away, but different time zones. I suppose i'll get through it, but whether i'll spend a good many days thinking about the sunny singapore and its habitants i dunno.. but i suppose feeling cold AND alone makes any situation seems worse than it is, if it isn't so in the first place. aint going to trouble myself thinking of the what-ifs. coz i know that it's something i want to do, regardless of what happened or not along the way.

Living life the way i feel like in any point in time IS living life to the fullest. yes, and we can always believe in the better tomorrows if all else fails..

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm

Chanced upon Boon's blog.
He got this quote from Winston Churchill that says:

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm

I guess sometimes we all require quotes to keep the fire burning despite the pouring rain.. Need them on days where i feel down in the dumps.. Might not help much, but serve as a reminder.

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Last day at CQ.. Made a last minute sale that resulted in an additional $4 commission, on the last minute of the day where i'm supposed to say sayonara. Can't believe that it's already been half a year from the day i started out, and that soon i'll have to move out of hall back home and gear up for US. 15 weeks of staying in hall and a week or so more before i move out. As with every decision i made, the experience is vastly different compared to what I'd have done so given that i chose something else. and sometimes there is no option. no visible one at least, or that some other is so bright that it overshadows the rest.

so like what jess advised, what could be worse?
making a choice and regretting or regretting not making that choice?

In my case, there is nothing to argue for or against.
I've already stepped into the light, leaving the shadows behind.

There are things that I'd gladly shed tears for, even after seeing it repeated times. and yes, that applies to emails as well.

I suppose when you see the picture behind the words that are able to evoke emotions that you don't realise you are capable of possessing there and then, your mind releases itself of all the logics that is guarding our actions and do just what it wants.

BL is coming back today, for good. Back to the sunny island where we all call home, and where loved ones are just a stone's throw away. Back where one can seek help with the dial of a few numbers and garner social support as and when needed. Back, where we know we belong.

HOME --> NDP song

Fading =

This is not the first time. That primary school friend was one of those who remembers me as "the one who run very fast." Seriously i wonder how exactly i should react, think or feel. To a certain extent, I suppose letting people remember some kind of achievement is better than them saying stuff like "you're the crybaby," or "the one with the gundoo head," or even "the girl who always kanna detention." Then again, I can't exactly admit that I'm elated with people remembering stuff that they themselves don't recall. So maybe if they tell me the exact year and event, i might be thrilled due to the surprise.

Maybe it's jsut that i am disappointed with the applause that fades with the passing of time, and not so much about actually minding what others think of me.

Nothing is impossible

So soon we'll see cases of dehydration INDOORS. Like wth is wrong with this freaking weather?! With motivation at its trough, I'm so glad I'll be away for the summer.

ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH. ARGH.

There goes. Feeling much better.

With the exams drawing near, I know that I'm one step away from living life in the liminal. Thrilled that it takes so little to experience a threshold, and a great one at such. The scene with everyone bowed in deep thoughts, in the same place, at the same time, for the same purpose, is something that I wish can be replicated somewhere else, many times over.

As with all other things that made me want to be someone that aint always with the majority, I guess the trip to Alaska somehow tangibalise what i desire. Hearing Wilson talked about disenchantment and enchantment of society and such, then complemented by the movie Big Fish, sparked off some thoughts that expanded in a million directions.

Maybe what I've been seeking is that out of the world, extraordinary stuff that can truly be experienced when you're not in your comfort zone. I don't mean that it's impossible to undergo such emotions in our mundane lives as I think we somehow always manages to seek magical moments despite everything remaining status quo. As the saying goes:

It's hardest to love the ordinary things, she said,
but you get lots of opportunities to practice.

The little things matter, but the impact is greater at times where situations render one helpless or made one think and feel in ways that is not like usual.

Sitting in the comfort of one's home, ready to venture to the other side of the world where everything is unfamiliar. Taking with me all the riches i have, venturing to the unknown searching for intangibles.

Been thinking. Fear? Maybe. But i figured it's high time I take some (more) risks. Staying on safe shores doesn't help much in building my navigation skills, and i can't set sight on the sea if i don't lose sight of the shore.

Getting away from dependent-independence. Learn to make it on my own. Making my own decisions, testing my limits. That way, I'll know for certain that i can definitely rely on myself if need be in future. As what my grandma had said, "The only person you can ever trust is yourself. Be the only one that is indispensable to yourself. " and with all the literature on how values are inculcated strongest in the young, I've come to accept that as the 'norm,' the 'right' way to behave. It doesn't matter that maybe some other ways are better, or IF the situation render some other behaviors appropriate. I do what i believe is based on MY principles. and if I'm doing what I think is right, it shouldn't bother any other.

Exams are coming, as with all the responsibilities that i know i'll have to face in the near future. The period of time in the entire year which i find intriguing, where things seem like fireworks in the sky or a Charlie Chaplin movie. Embracing all that life has to offer, NOW.

When judgment goes wrong and inaction speaks louder than action

When doing what seems right (appropriate) seems wrong, or not preferred.

Knowing what's right, and doing.

Been rather irresponsible lately, putting things off procrastinating.
Like how I've always been, like what I've always loathed.

Rationalising,.
Neutralising
Normalising.
Generalising
Minimising.

Walking along the scales, still.

Socializing newcomers into corrupt acts using cooptation, incrementalism and compromise practices

Cooptation= rewards used to induce change in attitude towards unethical behavs. subtle coz inds may nt realise how the rewards hav induced them to resolve ambiguity that pervades issues in a manner that suits their self-interests.

incrementalism= gradually introduced to corrupt acts. initially induced to perform something that is slightly deviant, then inds quickly grab at the available rationalisations offered by peers to reduce dissonance. Then as they come to accept the acts as normal, they are introduced to another more corrupt act, with the attendant rationalisations.

Compromise= Individuals back into corruption through attempts to resolve pressing dilemmas, role conflicts and other intractable problems.

newcomers are more likely to accept corrupt acts as justifiable if not desirable if they perceive that they choose their own curse of action.

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Irritating. Selfish human nature.

Don't want to feel guilty. So push the blame to others. Make up lies to fake innocence.
YET want to be in control. Want to feel that they have a choice BUT if it's justifiable AND I'm-not-at-fault-someone-else-is mindset is/can be in place, i don't mind..

Option: Chop off my nose

A-Choo.

Don't like it when my eyes are forced to remain small due to non-stop sneezing, and not because i am lazy to open my eyes when i'm wearing specs.
Don't like it when my brain forgets how something smells like due to nose malfunction.
Don't like it when I kept waking up in the middle of the night due to lack of oxygen.

Slept with the air-condition on last night. That makes it a record 6 months of sleep with fresh air, the first night of this year with fake cool air throughout the night and i suppose my nose is procrastinating due to the lack of ventilation with the poor air circulation last night.

The poor sleep quality gives me a reason to want to head back to hall soon to catch up on sleep. Decided to wake up early and slack around since i cant sleep anyway. Then the sun got to glare in my face as i sit TRYING to read. like thanks.

So now i'm in a foul mood coz it's Sunday, the hot and humid weather makes me irritated, my body aint functioning well since my nose and eyes are not in their best condition. AND i cant do any work despite me (finally) wanting (needing) to.

Freedom is just another word for people to find out you're useless

I love Dilbert and his work-life comics.. they remind me that i'm sane.

Dad came to fetch me from hall... He looks every bit like the sole breadwinner of the family. Sole breadwinner of a family of 6, with 4 children still schooling and requiring yusof ishaks, loads.
Seeing him like that made me realize i have no valid reason to be tired and sleepy. i am not entitled to even FEEL tired. comparing my workload to his is liken to making mountain out of molehill. and the older i get, the more i think it's time for me to have my fair share of the Vitamin M weight.. Mom has been complaining of aches and such again.. There's this unspeakable pain that forces me to sit up and think, that maybe it's not so much that i'm grown up now. It's more of my parents getting older as i am growing up. and there will come a time when i need to and must be dependable enough (i really hope so)..

One more year. Just one more year.. One more year till i am ready to charge head on to the rat race and ensure that there's more than enough money to go around at home..

and this is the kind of period i dislike. Of the 'i-wish-i-were' and 'how-good-it'd-be-ifs' about being born rich, or as an only child. which i think are evil thoughts. How can I overlooked how fortunate i am when i just reinforced that thought in a matter of hours?

seems like i really need someone dependable to reassure, reinforce and remind me when my brain seems to be led by my emotions, and not-so-positive ones as such..

One most be exceptionally positive and accommodating to suit the position of a caregiver.

For the sick who is seeking attention, you need to take care of her needs AND display genuine concern, not displeasure. therefore what nurse lim did was great. He made her seemed like a princess, really. waited on her for all her ridiculous requests like asking for cold water every couple of minutes, served, on a rainy day that chilled my bones. while we stood around trying to keep out of the way and at a loss as to what to do next, he jokingly explained that she was just seeking attention. so no worries.. and maybe TCS can hire her as an artiste next time. that, is reassuring to a bunch of uni students who got no experience with whatever that happened.. and i am full of respect for caregivers. For their compassionate nature, never-say-never spirit and patience with patients.

Amazed at how some people can be so full of life and so passionate about their job. started thinking of why i cant be one of them. just when i got myself started on the spin off of negativity, i got this through one of the horoscope predictions in my email inbox.

Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. This is one of those times. Stop telling yourself you're not good enough to win someone's heart or talented enough to land a particular job. These subliminal messages will affect the public's view of you. If you're really down in the dumps, go to friends and relatives for an ego boost. Ask them to list your five best qualities and pin them up where you'll see them every day.

^.^ so maybe someone would like to start first. I need 5 best qualities yah.

Racing against time

Going steamrolling ahead till 29 April.

Have yet to find time to apologise and explain to Von AND Connie that i won't be working all the way till the end of exams, which by then I prolly wouldnt and couldnt be working due to preparations for Alaska, AND that i cant continue working AFTER i return as i need to fly off to Korea soon after. It's like no matter how i see it, i cant even convince myself that what i say is logical. How are they then able to find another part-timer in such a short time? that i've only been working for half a year then i'll be leaving? and it's not easy that another colleague is pregnant and will be taking leave for a couple of months, Von will be leaving her position for school if she gets in, and i wont be around to even help cover. The boss now needs to recruit 2 full-timer and one part-time staff, coz we'll all be away at the crucial period. Like thanks.

I tried not to let guilt affect my decisions, especially at this crucial period. Been feeling so guilty not working at least once every week at CQ and convincing myself that i deserve a break, especially when it's the end of the week where i can return to my favourite place in the entire world.

At this point in time, i wish i were born with a silver spoon. Where money appears magically some way or another without the need for trade off using time and energy. I could do with some more time in life, we all could. and the fact remains that this is just a dream, for this is Singapore i'm talking about duh!

Turned Topsy Turvy.

Work was good, and even better now that I've heard the pleasant comments.
Like i say, positive feedback and affirmation always brighten up one's day.
and i suppose i need it this week.

I'm kind of glad i'm going away soon. Need somewhere which i can experience liminality save for dreams, and leave worries to the better tomorrows.

Yep. Fake like you're friendly. Fake like i can even be bothered. Like thanks.

and don't try to spoil my mood coz i'm heading home for the weekend. Wait a day if you wish.