The older I get the more I find tt I no longer derive much happiness from material gains.
I miss those days when a $3.90 eyeshadow or a sample size $8 perfume makes my day.
And eating at restaurants with friends seem like such a big deal for an outing.
Not to forget picking THE outfit to wear.

The days go by. The days gone by. The days tt went away.

You know those moments in lazy humid afternoons whereby your thoughts run in a million different directions and suddenly you remember a thing or two about the past that never cross your mind in the normal day-to-day?

That day I was spending some time alone at home and remembered stuff that happened in high school. Of how some guy once claimed that he will quit smoking for me, which I think was a joke coz no one should change for no one but themselves and still have the same perception now.

Of how the long driveway aka burning furnace was such a great place to march and sit on the steps and enjoy a gd lazy afternoon with a cold drink on hand.

On how in high school honesty isn't the best policy coz all people want to do is to conform and be accepted.

And i do believe that good girls are just better liars, not because they want to deceive others, but more of having ability to be perceptive on their surroundings and deal with situations accordingly.

Somehow keeping this blog seems like a torture recently.
I no longer find joy in sharing what I think, regardless of whether the stuff makes sense or not.
I find myself staring at the create post page blankly for goodness know how long till I know I've sat out the intense moments. then I'll type in some lame words or another that means little.

I missed those reflective moments where my thoughts go in a million directions and I spent some quality time alone communicating with myself and find out what I need and want in a particular period. I am happy when I managed to understand and love myself better every time I go through the routine memory un-cluttering process. and continue learning from myself when i look back and see it in words how i felt and reacted when i was younger, all my fears, confusion and immaturity.

Just ignore me. Some days things just hit from nowhere. Then one looks back and only realised that you've made a loop and is about at the ending point. and what's scary is not completing the race, but knowing that the ending point is right where the next starting point will be. damn!
and performance in one lap isnt going to help you win the race.

some days i can't stop the scales from tipping

I'm still suspecting the symptoms..

TWO weeks of school plus one exam before i get my ticket to the rat race.

Current job market = :(
so i guess i should be grateful that i have a job.
Prof whatever's-his-name just mentioned in class this week that the org I am joining will most prob consider a pay cut, the 2nd ever in the firm's history. and he told us that the industry aint doing very well. negative 2% for last quarter and expected to fall this year. like thanks. so that means i can expect a decrease in expected income AND incentives when i jump head on into the rat race.

nothing seems to help nowadays. everything seems so bleak. and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

i'm starting to have jitters about the uncertainty in life after uni education. work-life aint so easy to strike a balance. and i aint confident that i'll able to handle work like how a mature adult should. or rather, i guess the older i get the more risk adverse i am.. and yep. i'm afraid of failures, even before i start making any mistakes. plus it's a pain to even have a scratch on that clean slate that i start out with.

forced to move on, reluctantly.

there's so many things i want to do in life, and so little time to achieve all of that. A hospitality degree in Switzerland costs 60k a year and living expenses a good 40k. If i have 100k to further my education in the hospitality industry, maybe i'll trade that for 10 more diplomas in various fields. ok. i think i'm able to do only 9 with 60k but that'll take me like 27 more years to complete my education. Maybe i can then be the 1st person who has 10 diplomas in the guinness book of records. then i suppose i'll be another step closer to self-actualisation according to Maslow.

for now, i'll just make the most of the rest of the 3 months as a student-student. and be glad that i have no one to account to besides myself.

rubbish

The KUBS scholarship is in, finally.

Publish Post

That means shopping, and the rate of reducing moolah.

Aint sure if i will be able to keep up with the no need to think thrice or a million times before buying rule. and whether my bank account can sustain my buying behaviour this season.

Can't get the cadbury song out of my mind recently.. the 'wouldn't it be nice' advertisement. yep, wouldnt it be nice if i have... ... ... but so far i'm thankful for all that i've gotten.. so forget about those if-onlys and should-have-beens..

Went to this famous samgyetang restaurant at Tosokchon today with a buddy of Mabel's boyfriend's friend who was here on exchange last fall. sometimes quality of food is directly proportionate to the ka ching at the end of the meal. a nice change compared to the usual cosy homey relatively cheaper restaurants. tonic for the cold weather, something that warms the heart.. ginseng in actual fact.

a million things to do in 3 weeks and none accomplished. like how efficient can i be when i have all my weekends packed in addition to the outings on weekdays? this week i've been out 4 days out of 5 and will be going jalan-jalaning tomorrow before the hair appointment and we're going nami island on Sunday. partly because it's the place where winter sonata was filmed, but personally it's the longing to see an island in autumn where the leaves are falling. cycling around the place with the loose leaves ruffling below when the wheels go round and round. having great company and laughing in the wind. i guess that's as close as i can get to a fairytale? reminds me of the film what dreams may come. if only everything is so magical.

Right now i am a little irritated with the stupid heater which switches off every 5-10 mins or so after blowing warm air coz the organisation is extremely environmentally conscious and wants to save the earth! (as if! more like save electricity coz heating is expensive.) so when it's like 6 degrees c outside the freaking heater suka suka on and then off so tell me who would want to get out of bed like 50 times a night to RE-on the heater? smart move. i wont. for i can snuggle under that not-so-warm but can-still-make-it blanket and hug my bolster tight. yep. that's how i get through the night. and i foresee that the heater utilisation time wont increase anytime soon. time to get a quilt?

29-04-2008

29th April:

There's this sense of direction-less after MA paper today, like nothing i do will ever concern what I've learnt. As if two parallel lines will run into infinity. I'll cope with the helplessness and feeling of emptiness somehow. and this time round it's so much more bearable.

I'll be leaving next friday. In 10 days time i'll wave farewell to all that i love and embark on a journey with the return tix set for over a hundred days away. Somewhere where help is a phone call away, but different time zones. I suppose i'll get through it, but whether i'll spend a good many days thinking about the sunny singapore and its habitants i dunno.. but i suppose feeling cold AND alone makes any situation seems worse than it is, if it isn't so in the first place. aint going to trouble myself thinking of the what-ifs. coz i know that it's something i want to do, regardless of what happened or not along the way.

Living life the way i feel like in any point in time IS living life to the fullest. yes, and we can always believe in the better tomorrows if all else fails..

Fading =

This is not the first time. That primary school friend was one of those who remembers me as "the one who run very fast." Seriously i wonder how exactly i should react, think or feel. To a certain extent, I suppose letting people remember some kind of achievement is better than them saying stuff like "you're the crybaby," or "the one with the gundoo head," or even "the girl who always kanna detention." Then again, I can't exactly admit that I'm elated with people remembering stuff that they themselves don't recall. So maybe if they tell me the exact year and event, i might be thrilled due to the surprise.

Maybe it's jsut that i am disappointed with the applause that fades with the passing of time, and not so much about actually minding what others think of me.

With the exams drawing near, I know that I'm one step away from living life in the liminal. Thrilled that it takes so little to experience a threshold, and a great one at such. The scene with everyone bowed in deep thoughts, in the same place, at the same time, for the same purpose, is something that I wish can be replicated somewhere else, many times over.

As with all other things that made me want to be someone that aint always with the majority, I guess the trip to Alaska somehow tangibalise what i desire. Hearing Wilson talked about disenchantment and enchantment of society and such, then complemented by the movie Big Fish, sparked off some thoughts that expanded in a million directions.

Maybe what I've been seeking is that out of the world, extraordinary stuff that can truly be experienced when you're not in your comfort zone. I don't mean that it's impossible to undergo such emotions in our mundane lives as I think we somehow always manages to seek magical moments despite everything remaining status quo. As the saying goes:

It's hardest to love the ordinary things, she said,
but you get lots of opportunities to practice.

The little things matter, but the impact is greater at times where situations render one helpless or made one think and feel in ways that is not like usual.

Sitting in the comfort of one's home, ready to venture to the other side of the world where everything is unfamiliar. Taking with me all the riches i have, venturing to the unknown searching for intangibles.

Been thinking. Fear? Maybe. But i figured it's high time I take some (more) risks. Staying on safe shores doesn't help much in building my navigation skills, and i can't set sight on the sea if i don't lose sight of the shore.

Getting away from dependent-independence. Learn to make it on my own. Making my own decisions, testing my limits. That way, I'll know for certain that i can definitely rely on myself if need be in future. As what my grandma had said, "The only person you can ever trust is yourself. Be the only one that is indispensable to yourself. " and with all the literature on how values are inculcated strongest in the young, I've come to accept that as the 'norm,' the 'right' way to behave. It doesn't matter that maybe some other ways are better, or IF the situation render some other behaviors appropriate. I do what i believe is based on MY principles. and if I'm doing what I think is right, it shouldn't bother any other.

Exams are coming, as with all the responsibilities that i know i'll have to face in the near future. The period of time in the entire year which i find intriguing, where things seem like fireworks in the sky or a Charlie Chaplin movie. Embracing all that life has to offer, NOW.

Socializing newcomers into corrupt acts using cooptation, incrementalism and compromise practices

Cooptation= rewards used to induce change in attitude towards unethical behavs. subtle coz inds may nt realise how the rewards hav induced them to resolve ambiguity that pervades issues in a manner that suits their self-interests.

incrementalism= gradually introduced to corrupt acts. initially induced to perform something that is slightly deviant, then inds quickly grab at the available rationalisations offered by peers to reduce dissonance. Then as they come to accept the acts as normal, they are introduced to another more corrupt act, with the attendant rationalisations.

Compromise= Individuals back into corruption through attempts to resolve pressing dilemmas, role conflicts and other intractable problems.

newcomers are more likely to accept corrupt acts as justifiable if not desirable if they perceive that they choose their own curse of action.

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Irritating. Selfish human nature.

Don't want to feel guilty. So push the blame to others. Make up lies to fake innocence.
YET want to be in control. Want to feel that they have a choice BUT if it's justifiable AND I'm-not-at-fault-someone-else-is mindset is/can be in place, i don't mind..

I'm perfectly fine.

Lack of sleep. headache.
Procrastinating. headache.
After exercising. headache.
Eat too full. headache.
Deadlines. headache.
Weather. headache.
Presentations. headache.
Tutorials. headache.
Anxious. headache.
Quizzes. headache.

rearranging my mind so that there'd be room for him to stay.

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There's this thing about home that put me entirely at ease. and all i wanna do is to laze around enjoying the comfort. No wonder i can't get any work done at home.

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Schedule packed for the week leading up to the exams. Planning to see if i am able to thrive under pressure, whether performance is positively correlated to the amount of time till deadlines. and seriously, i can foresee that the zombie with failed eye makeup is going to return. have to find a way to let Von knows that i will TRY my very best to fit work into my schedule, maybe head down on Fri, and stay in for the weekend. RAH.

Biz comm presentation next week,
HRM, OB and MA presentation week 12.
HRM ind response paper due week 12.
PMM and MA presentation in week 13.
HRM group report submission due week 13.
End of term OB quiz week 13.
PMM end of sem test week 13.
OB report due week 14.
Biz comm end of sem test week 14.

ARGH.. Faintz.

Time to oil the gears and start moving. I'll work on biz comm first. One step at a time i guess.

In half a day's time I'll officially complete my Year 2 Sem 1.

I think my insomnia during this period is a gift, minus the dozing during the actual papers. Serious. At least i have ample time to prepare.

A kind invigilator woke me up from dreamland in the middle of com med paper. Quietly, politely. So there's no moment of embarrassment. Yeah. As if that applies to me. Barely made it through half the MCQs.. Qn 34 or 36 if I'm not wrong.

The difference between the outstanding ones and me is the expectation of grades. Frankly speaking, I can't imagine having the need to S/U a module which i obtain B+ for. Hey. That's a cap of 4 for goodness sake. An additional B+ instead of the accumulation of those shld-be-forsaken others.

Slacker

Couldn't help but feel amazed.

I must be the slackest person i see for miles.

Have yet to memorize commed and SCM.

What am i proving?

That i stand by my belief that my worth and knowledge shldnt be reduced to the figures on a transcript?

Or that i AM still indifferent to those seemingly important stuff at this point in time.

Something is telling me that priorities lie somewhere out there.
Not on pieces of papers with blanks for model answers anyway.

Sickening insomnia

Let's just see if it's just one of the pre-exams syndromes.

Sickening insomnia.