Invisible ring

A new colleague was being driven to tears by someone upstairs the other day.

So i was wondering just how much more they can push me against the same wall to have the same outcome.

Been having quite an unpleasant time at work, having to mother hen the babies and to carry out the work from the top of the hierarchy.

Most days I can forget about work-life balance, and pray silently that I can get home and sleep the fatigue away. Then again, the him who lives upstairs has always been gracious to me.
I find myself exceptionally lucky on those days as well, having survived yet another tornado weather and being blessed with so much more.

Right now I think I have the same kind of slow rage building inside me like back then. Those type that motivates the silent rebellion. Anyway, need has always been the mother of invention, isn't it?

and yes, I have an invisible ring.

You know those moments in lazy humid afternoons whereby your thoughts run in a million different directions and suddenly you remember a thing or two about the past that never cross your mind in the normal day-to-day?

That day I was spending some time alone at home and remembered stuff that happened in high school. Of how some guy once claimed that he will quit smoking for me, which I think was a joke coz no one should change for no one but themselves and still have the same perception now.

Of how the long driveway aka burning furnace was such a great place to march and sit on the steps and enjoy a gd lazy afternoon with a cold drink on hand.

On how in high school honesty isn't the best policy coz all people want to do is to conform and be accepted.

And i do believe that good girls are just better liars, not because they want to deceive others, but more of having ability to be perceptive on their surroundings and deal with situations accordingly.

I know I've said it like a million times

My shift work not only eats into the time I should be setting aside for my social life, but it's affecting my physical, mental and emotional health.

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So most days I need a safe harbour to turn to, much like kids hiding under their blankets thinking that the monster in the closet will leave them alone if they cannot be seen.

Some days it's scary knowing that my safe harbour sometimes get hit by tsunamis and the monsters are going to get me after all.

and all this is making me angry because i'm not in control.

feeling insecure..

random

Every single avenue is dead, or as good as.

Facebook has already turned into Friendster II.

Email is a box for junks.

hp can be replaced by a good alarm clock.

But blog is still plays a part in enabling me to connect with myself, no matter how small the role has become.

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They enrolled me for a 2-day course about service excellence and I had so much fun recalling those stuff that I used to know and presume was rather good at.

The moments-of-truth, grooming, telephone etiquette and others.. Like so hospitality management. So the speaker was asking us to note down the way we address others over the phone and it dawned on me that ever since I joined operations, I have evolved into this rude performance-driven machine with the apparent lack of good service.
I remembered when I first started out over a year ago, I used to complete my sentences over the phone, give proper greetings, identify myself and my department as well as offer assistance.
Now i'm just this voice over at the other side of the line waiting to get through the tasks involved with the motivation to end the call ASAP. Like it's so much easier to just say "morning. Control."

It's sad, but it's the reality of life. Change is the only contact. We adapt accordingly to our environment. I suspect if i'm not such a good chameleon, i would have stabbed myself with a knife and bleed to death trying to fix the current practices/ processes to that of a different industry. Some things are best left alone.

and i was thinking that maybe that is why people in the service line puts in extra effort in serving others. For that is the only way to differentiate themselves from other industries. and it's sad that i'm in a results-oriented business where productivity counts even before the government announces the direction we should move towards. and i know the pain in accounting for every single action, or inaction that may or may not be under my control.

It makes my short stint in the hotel industry seemed so easy.

Ok. and i know that if all else fail, there is still the moolah to look forward to. and i have a good feeling about this year.

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A couple of stuff on my mind
- lasik or not?
- Turkey, Barcelona, Bulgaria, Egypt and Alaska
- Tod's bag
- korean food
- feeling secure
- new laptop

Action speaks louder than words. Get to understand body language better to know the reason(s) behind reactions.

Indonesia trip in Oct. Not Turkey, but better than nothing.

Changing group. Riding new waves.

take it or leave it

Just another of the unhappy moments that turn my day into hell.

I swear work seems so much easier in comparison.

Maybe it's time to get a recorder here, so that I can play the when-i'm-upset-i-don't-like-to-talk in repeat mode.

I hate it when people cant accept others for who they are, and the thing to note is that I am never going to change.

I dont expect others to, but it does help a little after the grumbling.

So the truth is that I have been a little upset since then, and yes, i don't want to talk about it.

Stuff getting into my head. Yep, and still up at his hour.

The selection process

Haven seen the promise yet.

The never-ending AK highway.

Was cycling along the PCN trail when I had one of those flashbacks from Alaska.

dangling the carrot in front of the donkey

Someone from management spoke to me recently about job rotation, and the prospects of blah blah..

So I was thinking a couple of years more till I reconsider my options and to make the best of things now.

The shift work makes me feel like a 45 year-old trying to get up from bed after a bad rheumatism period.

I find myself lying in on my off days trying to replenish the lack of quality sleep on my working days, and store energy for the busy days of the week while i'm on duty.

Everyone around me says I looked tired, even though I prolly woke up from a 13-hr rest the night before. my complexion has been at an all-time low, and I really don't like how that makes me feel. Like greasy face after a night shift going home only to face the thousands of other fresh-faced commuters going to work in the train every morning. And it doesnt help if I was attending to an accident case the night before wearing WHITE and having oil stains on contact points. ARGH.

And all I look forward to each day is the rates that tally with my effort (or not) every cycle, and the moolah that appears in my bank account at month's end. AND I pray every single day that I do not need to answer to yet another email for performance, exceptions, or anything else for that matter.

What can i say? Just live and let live.

Another day wasted trying to fight the inertia to get going.

I need to find a hobby!

Yet another night of the insomnia curse

Too many things running through my head.

It suddenly dawned on me that I have 2.25 more years to go to complete this journey of grit-my-teeth-and-rough-it-out period.

At work it's the usual challenge to try and meet things work. But many a time, it is the people that irks me endless, not the work. The people who by all means try to make work seem like you sway sway landed on the monopoly's Go-straight-to-jail-do-not-pass-Go-and-collect-$200 square. a one-way ticket straight to hell when you get burn nice and black. and seeing you squirm and wriggle make them feel good about themselves coz they right something in the world.
yep. those wayang kings and queens.

For one I know that I still like those boxes stacked neatly beside one another as much as a year ago and find the industry fascinating. But what goes on internally makes me sick. It's not really the office politics that is driving me crazy, but the lack of service to internal customers that makes me purple.

Maybe it is solely because I was from the hospitality industry that makes me feel this way, or that I do not yearn for a promotion to stoop as low to their level in the remaining time I have here.

I do look forward to completing whatever I have so that one day i can truly say that i am free. free of the clutches of this place that one has to tread so cautiously on soft ground, to move on to a place where people are generally 'more humane,' hopefully.

Have sort of lost touch typing on my laptop.

On days when I have the luxury and the energy to look at the monitor for yet another 2 hours at leisure on top of the 12 hours i put at work are those days where life doesnt get as comfortable as i want it to, yet little adjustments seem to do good.

I know I am one big grumpy naggy person but i TRY not to repeat how dark and gloomy things are, for i know that others have problems that are just as big and dark and occupies almost all their time. but keeping things to myself aint a solution. somedays i know i'm at the point where things are threatening to overflow and really need a quick fix, like panadol but without the side effects.
those are the days where i desperately need music in my life, as well as time alone. some days on my way to and fro work I contemplate getting a music device to add joy to my life. then again, i sleep the journey away so music may not have much of a use. i have never own a music player and think that songs playing in my head is as good as those that goes in the ears. so maybe not. but i shall see how. blocking out the noise seem like a good idea, but the senses are heightened one the journey to and fro work when everyone in the same space and time as me are keeping to themselves thinking aloud and leading different lives. i find that interesting and find joy in connecting with myself, for that seems like the only time i can hear myself think. this is the problem of having a big family, someone is always ruining the peace and quiet. i, for many times, ruin it for my family. there are just too many people whose emotions one has to be sensitive about. most days i dont bother. we learn to live with it.

so enjoying the tranquility at 4 in the morning with the music playing softly in the background while i do whatever i want and the weather cool enough to not ruin my mood ends my day off perfect.

and for now, i need the motivation to put on my running shoes to get those limbs moving.

Today my colleagues were chatting on the way back from lunch and we talked about how one of our superiors, being the typical SINGLE male in his middle-late 30s. A little rounded in the middle, and slowly balding with an o-k-a-y career in an established organisation. Most probably has at least 4 out of the 5 Cs. So the question is: What are the types of females that will be attracted to him.

So that sparked off a little debate on the way females think.

so one of them was saying that unless the female is also in her 30s, the qn is out besides a partner of another nationality.
another was saying that there is a possibility since he is able to provide for whatever the partner desires.
so i was thinking. if the female has been single for awhile, working for say 5 years (still in her 20s), not as educated, and earning less than him, then it is possible.

For the world has changed. Women are as good as, if not better than men.
If my salary is comfortable enough for me to lead the kind of lifestyle that I want without a man (now), then why should I limit my options? if all else fail and nothing good goes to those who patiently wait then worse come to worse i'll fend for myself in the days to come. nothing to worry. if i earn more than a man, then i have one less thing to be afraid of.

so my colleague was saying that for females like me who just graduated, drawing a rather comfortable income, then the question is definitely out.

yep. believe in thyself, and believe in love. and since love is blind, then maybe nothing is impossible.

yep. so their next suggestion is: recruit more SINGLE females in the office.

but what they didnt know is that i have been discussing with my female colleagues and we think that is not the point. the entire place is filled with the opposite gender that doesnt attract us. so we sort of gave up on the makeup dress up for work and focus our energy on other things. no wonder i'm becoming more masculine these days. no wonder we are expected to have the meticulous nature of females in administrative tasks, and ALL the other positive aspects of males in other areas of work, like directing people and leading a team of much older men whose kids are older than us. like they say, the best of both worlds. but they forget the scales are skewed to one side, as usual.

reborn from the ashes

Just when things start to go down the wrong way.

So the same goes for those situations that seem to run out of hand when things are looking bright.

yep. Strong believer of Murphy's law here.

Some days I just think I can't manage stress to the level that I think I could, for those pent-up emotions that are just waiting for the spark to begin a roaring fire wait peacefully under the surface with cracks.

and it doesnt help that i keep looking at the OTHER side of the coin, standing at the side where the grass is parched and in need of water.

Yes, there is a price to pay for the ka-ching that's dumped into the bank account at the end of the month.

and yes, welcome to the rat race.

Out and over

Reaches a stage where I feel myself trying to keep my balance at the edge.

Today I came home exhausted and irritated with all the uncontrollables, and felt like an empty shell. Totally like a deflating balloon.

Like all thing brimming and threatening to overflow if tipped too much to one side.

and it's scary when this is not the first time it happened, but not doing anything even though i know for certain it's going to occur again.

like the dreaded accusations that is potential hazard to my well-being. and the damned one-way communication passed own through the many layers of bureaucracy.

and finally realising that the thinking, of being satisfied with one aspect of a situation makes all things work, is so naive. that the sense of achievement at the end of the day may well be one that is easily forgotten, just like many of the damned.

dislike all things that crumple easily, for I need strong glue to gel them back.

Thinking about some random stuff lately.

Like wanting to maintain this kind of lifestyle, and with the combine income we'll be able to do so.

But with 2 big travel plans each year and at least 2 short ones, the savings portion will be impacted.

Like thinking that raising a kid requires a million dollars, and wondering how people out there survive the hardship.

Considering the impact on savings/ lifestyle changes if one makes the decision to stop working, even for the short-term, to fulfill a dream or to stay home and look after the young.

The kind of feeling that one day I'll be overwhelmed by the decisions to make in my daily life, and that the simplest of things may still be complicated.

Kuching

Lazing around taking naps ever so often, eating cheap good food, having great company, watching DVDs, taking a trail and walking 7 km just to see a waterfall.

I like.

The cosy hostel we shared with the stack of DVD collection- I think someone has an even better collection. =)

The walking around the city center aimlessly enjoying the feeling of being away from home.

Yep. Can't wait for March!!!!!!

30 and counting.

Down to everything that makes a difference in life, and knowing that at the end of whatever I'm looking forward to brings about a new cycle of the next big thing.

Just like the window period of dilemma 2 years ago when I was contemplating whether to take up the free money in return for my youth; to halfway through the bond and still counting, down to the day where I'm really free- contractually.

Like anticipating the days to a get-away to the planning of the next big trip at the end of the 1st.

Like forever playing catchup with yourself not knowing when to stop, or ever wanting to.

I got the Kuching trip at the end of Jan, the Italy trip at the end of March, maybe a Taiwan trip somewhere in July, followed by another big trip at the end of the year. I was thinking of Egypt in October, but that'll wipe out my entire savings so we shall see.

Recently work has been shitty. In the sense that I was so burn out at the end of the day I don't feel like doing anything more than engage in mindless stuff. I can almost see the extra maybe $50 bucks at the end of next month as a reward for this month's crazy workload. Like that amount of money can make up for my loss in other areas.

The start if a new year makes me wonder lots.

Like how much I've changed from the till now.

The difference between the ME when I got my diploma vs the ME when I received the flimsy paper at the end of my uni years seems to be age.

But with that comes opportunities that don't exist in the past, as well as a certain quality of life that I know I'll come to appreciate.

Like knowing that at the end of the day, I'll put the money that I've earn to good use. Work brings about some happy news that make me want to do better for this year. but with the label that is attached to all those fortunate ones, I'll just have to pretend that the green-eyed monster aint roaming around.

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The other day I was just thinking of the kind of spender I am. We all know the importance of financial management, and there are numerous consumer behaviour courses out there that guides people to recognise the way people make decisions about things they buy/ want to buy.

I used to divide people into 3 classes.
1) Those that think for very long but in the end of the day decided not to buy
2) Those impulse buyers
3) Those who think for very long and will end up buying, sooner or later.

Now I separate them into people who will spend money on things that will improve their quality of life and those that will use it to enhance their quality of life. The difference in that is that the former will use it for intangibles and the latter the tangibles, whom those materialistic people congregate to boost the economy. Of course if one has the moolah, they can choose to balance between the two, but most of us skew to either side.

and it makes me wonder if i'm leaning to one side so much that I should reconsider my buying behaviour.

I think there should be something that affects me more, like peer pressure or the power of advertisement. Like a normal person should always want more of a thing than another, according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. and in terms of SG context, we are at least at the 'social' level so many of us should succumb to peer pressure to increase that level and move on to the tip of the pyramid.

so i wonder- what is the latest latest in-thing now? is it still the smart phones? Havaianas slippers? tights? thick eyeliners? or some other stuffs?

ok, I'm going bonkers.

Professionalism

That is, to be able to act/ function well at work just like any other work day.

Simply put, to be what I used to be by 7.30.

That, I think I can still achieve.

To make oneself invisible by blending into the masses.

yes. I think I am capable of that.

Diving into the moment.

The rain got indoors today despite ensuring that only a small gap was left between the window panes.

and i hate being alone today.

I need to know why to be convinced. Those reasons are important to me.

Like you tell me that I have to achieve certain performance results because at the end of the day it affects the company performance and knowing that will allow me to set my priorities and make the right decisions.

Not because you have the authority and I have to listen to you.

Like not because my parents and I are related by blood hence I have to listen to their every instruction.

No I don't have to do so. For we are all individuals, connected by ties that can be broken.

spare me the crap. and yes, I so want to be alone.

The song from young that got stuck in my head today

Inch by inch,
Day by day,
Step by step,
All the way,
Piece by piece,
Bit by bit,
And little by little
You’re there.

If you can’t climb a mountain then climb a hill,
That’s much better than standing still,
There’s a way if you’ve got the will,
And little by little you’re there.

If you can’t swim an ocean then ford a stream,
Just remodel your basic scheme,
Don’t give up ’till you’ve reached your dream,
And little by little you’re there.

Good things that are here to stay,
Don’t get done in just one day,
Once you’ve start you’re on your way,
So keep on going.

If you can’t walk a mile then take one long stride,
Move along with a sense of pride,
Step by step ’til you’re satisfied,
And little by little you’re there.

Tumbling down the stairs.

So tired i felt like i was going to.