These late nights made me a little more emo than usual.

Re-read my 2006 first few entries.. so i see. i had a great start.
didnt realise it's close to a year. i'm still as immature as ever. but i've learnt to live with it. haa

the entries got me thinking. i've grown, in age but not wisdom.
and most times, i seem to make more sense in the past.. not to mention my beliefs.. lolx.. how i stand by them. not that i dont now, but they seem to matter more then.

so.. i stated very clearly that blogging isnt sharing coz it's one-way communication. then i continue to post stuff that i think i want to share. geez.. guess life's just one contradiction after another.

2005 is even more incredible. i posted a quote i saw in HTM's office.
so here it is again:
[You cannot change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust the sails]
so choose your own destiny.

yeap. 2005 is the year of the tsunami. so 2 years after that disaster, i sit at the same spot in the comfort of my home, typing away and thinking this must be a joke. yeap. Life's a big fat joke.

Hohoho... Xmas is over..

Did the ultimate slacking this festive season. No work, no commitment, minimal activities.. lolx..

My Dad gave me the funniest present ever (besides the pink cat without a mouth)..

this year has been a great year. Xmas always signifies the end of a year and the beginning of the next. This year has truly been a good one, with lessons learnt, fun enjoyed, sadness felt, and memories renewed. so BRING IT ON 2007!!!

A crazy thought got ran over yesterday.
Told my mom it's aint too bad an idea to lose my phone once every 2 years or so.. This saves me the need to ever go through the list in the phonebook to 'decide' whether to delete it or not.

Went through the process of clearing my cupboard, dust and all.
Threw away so many stuff that i treasured years back but meant nothing now. boxes, boxes and more boxes. Reminisces... ... saw the stuffed toys my dad got me when he went to Japan when i was in Primary school. I told him i want my melody, the pink rabbit under Sanrio creation. and it was the first time he came back with gifts for me.. yeah. FOUR HELLO KITTIES.. so i asked him in what way is a cat similar to a rabbit. anyway, they are gifts that make me smile, even till now. and to me, the BEST gifts are those that make me smile.

told my mom the story of the 3 boxes. my story of the 3 boxes. then i overheard her telling the same story to my aunt over the phone. lolx..

the story goes like this....

whenever u pack, you need 3 boxes (can substitude with big plastic bags).
the first box contains- Things that you definitely want
the second box contains- Things that you definitely want to get rid of
the third box contains- Things that u dunno whether to keep or not but are quite unwilling to throw away.

After sorting out, keep the first box, make sure the second box and its contents disappear, and stash the third box in the storeroom or under your bed.
When the next clearing day comes, throw away the 'third' box and whatever that's inside and begin with 3 boxes again.

Freud's theory somehow plays a part, with his Id, Ego and superego stuff and the conscious, preconscious, subconscious and what not.. You see, contents in the third box are things that you dunno whether you want or not.. it lies in between the treasure vs trash line. Hence, anywhere between the time of the first clearance and the next, whenever you 'think' of an item, you will definitely 'dig' it out of the third box, thus changing its status from nil to something. For other stuff that you dont even recall having or have totally forgotten ever owning, it doesnt matter if they're not yours now or in future. throw them away or donate to charity. dun let it clutter your living space. it doesnt matter now, or ever.

I apply my theory of the 3 boxes everytime i do clearance. and it has always worked perfectly. so there. Good things are meant to be shared.

Extracted my LAST wisdom tooth today, all thanks to my mom who suggested it.

It saved me 350 bucks!!! the amount the SCHOOL dentist quoted minus the actual price i paid in a PRIVATE clinic.

I refused to take any painkillers, and stubbornly ate curry fish head and tang yuan for dinner right after the operation, when half my mouth was still recovering from anesthetic. When i extracted the left wisdom tooth, it was the mooncake festival and i had da bing right after the operation. So today i wonder, what is the limit of my tolerance level.

Like i always say, painkillers are the drugs for a better today but horrible tomorrow. you only take it when you have one foot into you-know-where.

Told the dentist i want it out ASAP. yeap. call me crazy. right BEFORE xmas. then again, my body never really fail me. or so i choose to believe. so let's just say i'm optimistic abt the future.

I remembered posting one entry regarding my wisdom tooth, saying that the right out is out to get me coz i got out the left one. HAA.

anyway, random thoughts...

Love the weather. i have no idea how many times i must emphasize that. So my bro told me that only emo people love rainy days. well, i take that as a compliment.

it certainly matches the season. cool, special. well, thank god i dont have to work. imagine dragging out of bed at 7 to prepare for work when you can stay snug in bed till noon. that's indulgence. the ultimate festive indulgence.

Embracing change this season.

Plans for a better tomorrow.

Spent the say at IKEA Tampines. Love the place. love walking randomly in search of wants. love walking randomly in search of wants in a nice environment with the rain roaring outside.

met Daryl on the way back. He was talking about the 5 years ago stuff.. yeap. 5 years ago... let's just say some meories are meant to be forgotten.

felt like singing 'santa claus is coming to town' at the top of my voice.. the christmassy feel.

anyway, read an article and it mentioned about those with shiny red nose sit at home on christmas with tissue on one hand.. lolx..

okie. i need to come up with a shopping list to kick start my xmas shopping. then again, i need to curb my spending coz i'm not earning money fast enough. let's just hope the weekends turn out fine.

took a pic with a girl whom the whole revenue dept says look like me. or rather, i look like her. then, both of us disagree. well, saw her in person. have yet to see the pic. let's just wait..

Cuzzie's wedding on Sat and the dinner on Sunday at Orchard hotel. The bride and bridegroom looked picture perfect! I wasnt involved in the Sat celebrations coz *long story*...

anyway, the dinner wasnt too bad. the servers for my table all look alike! the couple was soooo sweet i cannot tahan. after the yum seng thingy, we cousins crowd ard for 2nd round of toasting. they say yum seng 3 times each round has a significance and i've forgotten all except the 3rd one. it means zhao sheng gui zi.. so for that 3rd toast we yummmmmm for very long.. coz they're trying for a baby with the piggy zodiac.. great! let's just hope the baby's born in the Libra horoscope too! hee~

really. this is the PERFECT season to get married.

for this season, i did some changes. coloured my hair again, tried brown base with orange (warm orangey color. perfect hint with candle light. not the orange gobstopper orange k! lolx..) highlights all over and purple highlights on my fringe only. i'm only worried about the purple highlights coz she bleached it before dyeing. that means when the color fade, it'll turn my hair to crap. but then, who cares. i'll just let it grow back.

starting anew with colors in my life brings back some level of confidence. u know u really was in a really distasteful phase in life when u experienced the feeling of confidence boost, sudden happiness or reduced negative moods. it's as if that is not the kind of life worth living. with that, i can say i feel good at all times, even when i wake up in the morning with a big zit. i am pretty, pretty confident. lolx. when u feel good, things fall nicely in place. i can feel myself glowing, glowing, glowing... glowing like a candle in the dark... maybe becoz u feel good, u want to look good, so that's how one good thing leads to another. and when u feel and look good, a few compliments wont hurt. and compliments are ego boosters.. that will ultimately raise your happiness level.

so see. the magic of colors.

thank god for this magical season. season of love and sharing.

Counting down.

Just 4 more days, 3 more papers, 2 trips to school and i can look forward to 1 wedding function.

I have a million and one thing to do by the end of this year.
I badly need to clear my cupboards, which are filled with poly notes and gift boxes, notebooks and what not.
I need to clean my dresser- half filled with dust.
I need to clean my fridge to sort of try to prolong its life.
I need to search for a new blog skin and do the half-yearly modification.
I need to clear my mailbox.
I need to...
I need to...
I need to...

AND before i start on any of the above NEED-TOs,
I REALLY need to start revising my notes. and damn. that's the only thing i dun want to.

This is the funniest comic strip i've seen in sometime.

Aint in the mood for mugging. I'm so going to flunk my Econs. I totally understand the sense of helplessness now. The questions running through my head but my hands dont know how to coordinate. My fingers on the calculator but dunno what to input. My thoughts racing, aimless and on the verge of giving up. i can hear the soft tapping of calculators everywhere ard me. I guess i'm getting paranoid. But that doesnt explain the lack of preparation for the paper and the fact that i'm so screwed that the best i can hope for is a C. It's so demoralising and being my first semester, it isnt really a very good start. Plus Considering yesterday's paper was a flop as well. For the two 35 marks questions, i wrote like 2 pages each. the booklet is 10 pages and the girl in fornt of me took 2 booklets! i wonder what she's writing. her hands never stop moving! and i blame myself for not being focus enough. it's so crap. the place is errie. No one left the hall before time's up. all of them stayed till the last minute. Everyone is so discipline, so determine to do their best, i can feel the difference.

oh well, i guess i really am paranoid. and it sucks sitting thru the paper feeling crappy. I cant stop sneezing and i cant breathe well coz of my stupid nose. my eyes cant seem to open properly coz i ant stop sneezing and i finally succumb to temptation and took medicine. i hate this feeling of weakness. damn. shldnt hav gone to the BBQ last saturday. guess it's the food. i had too large a serving.

my sis's prom tonight. at mandarin. mine was 4 years ago. the fun, walking in town in the middle of the night, chatting in the hotel room, phototaking, yes. phototaking.

There's this article from Voices, Today, dated 22 Nov titled Dying For Love.

The writer ended the article with "If all this strikes a painfully familiar chord with you, I would suggest you start by finding out your grandparents' names. I only found out my grandfather's name when he died- and I never told him how much he meant to me."

Have we all acquired the same mindset that names aint important if you remember and know someone as a person? or that since life's expectancy is supposed to be an average of 80 so for whatever age that he/she is lower, we still have time? what an illusion. Time is never on our side.

This week is granparents' week. Have you done anything? anything at all? I did.

100th day. From the day he left.

Study week is here and is the best time to study (YEAH RIGHT!). Ended up doing all the want-tos and returning home 6 hours later AND 150 bucks lighter in my pocket. Spent yet another day reading like 2 chapters of the lecture notes, out of the 13 that i'm supposed to UNDERSTAND.

Was told that human's fate and personality undergo a change every 5 years or so. But mine didn't seem to. I did that DISC thing twice and both yield the same results. This Enneagram thingy is the same. I am type FIVE- the Observers.

Here are the results:
Observers have a need for knowledge (NOT really. this applies only to knowledge that i find interesting) and are introverted (as if i dunno), curious (AHEM!), analytical (WOW), and insightful (I didnt know about that).

How to Get Along with Me

• Be independent, not clingy.
• Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
• I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
• Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
• Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
• If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
• don't come on like a bulldozer.
• Help me to avoid my pet peeves (LOLX): big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.

What I Like About Being a Five

• standing back and viewing life objectively
• coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
• my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure (YEAH! ^.^v)
• not being caught up in material possessions and status (hopefully)
• being calm in a crisis ( this i'm not so sure. i am NOT that calm in a crisis)

What's Hard About Being a Five

• being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
• feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
• being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
• watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally (yeap. why shldnt people who work hard derserve better? But there's no denying social skills are more important in life.)

Fives as Children Often

• spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
• have a few special friends rather than many
• are very bright and curious and do well in school (NOT TRUE. I am so NOT curious and didnt do well in primary school either)
• have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers (parents YES. teachers NO. NOw i regret. Shld've bombard my teachers with a million and one questions to make their career more interesting! haa)
• watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
• assume a poker face (TRUE!) in order not to look afraid
• are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
• feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected (yeap. it's as if no matter what they do, there's sth that's always lacking.. Bad attitude i know, comparisions and more comparisons)

Some time-out ytd.
Was rather pissed with myself for sleeping in till the late afternoon and waking up for diner instead of breakfast. Very angry at myself for not having done anything related to the coming exams. So i went to release my pent-up emotions via an efficient outlet. Recharged, and ready to go but NOT in the mugging area. I ended up packing my drawer AND rearranging my notes, which both come up to a HUGE pile. The notes make me so depressed and i wonder how i am able to get started. Tried very hard to recall what i did during the study-week in poly and realised i cant even remember. i think i studied for the last few subjects first and ended off the week with the more recent papers. I THINK. seriously speaking, i think i will sit back and recall all these nonsense AFTER the exams and think - WHAT A JOKE. that is, if i managed to clear everything. and really, i think i'm able to, if i quit blogging and doing things that arent on the top of my prority list right now. Sorry, correction. shld be things that SHOULD NOT be on my priority list right now. But unimportant things seem to get more urgent the more you don't want to think about them. i think it's call relative comparison or sth. So today is sunday, i spent another half a day slacking and will be spending another half day with my aunts and cousins, plus having steamboat for dinner. GOSH~ can life get any better?

Got back Sociology term paper yesterday and wasn't I surprised when I realized I didn't get a C for this paper?! We got a B+, which is considered VERY good to me, in regards to my tutor's expectations and my perception of grades.

The semester ended well, good enough for me to rejoice. From now on it's one week of battle, then a month of rest. Really hope I dun screw up my first semester, like I did in poly. Sometimes it's really not an issue of being competitive and wanting to win, but rather- knowing that u could have done better yet didn't put in enough effort. I guess what I dun want to, is to feel a tinge of guilt.

Now that I've successfully taken the first step and halfway through the race, all I need to do is to have my eyes set on the finishing line and await the moment. But before I do that, I have to prepare myself for the 'dying/flying process'.

Try your best, is it good enough?
If not, your best was simply not good enough.
Do your best. But how do you know it is your best?
Because you don't, you don't have any reason not to try harder.
The realization of this is what leads to the best, to perfection.

I got an A for my marketing ind assignment! Finally ONE subject i think i am able to do relatively alright compared to others. At least i know my hard work of research and report writing paid off. Had a combine tutorial with another class today and boy~ if i haven mention enough about uni people being insane, they are- 100% perfectionist. I overheard someone from another tutorial group saying 'I didn't get an A+' in the kinda disappointed tone. The 4-letter word pops up. No worries. i mean the word W-H-A-T!! My groupmates were asking if poly students behave the way uni students do. So i told them NO WAY. at least from what i know, C is considered a grade in poly, not only A+. lolx...

The libraries were packed with people. The study areas are filled with students with books and papers all over. Seriously speaking, they need a break. I can hear a pin drop in there so i wonder how they can study in that plaze that is half frozen. And they're entending the opening hours to like 24 hrs.. OMG~

BTW, the Bush visit to the sch caused much of an inconvenience to me. i took like 2 hours just to get home coz they blocked the roads. I was trapped in the bus waiting for HIS limo to pass by before the traffic can move and just for him, there's a jam all the way from Kent Ridge Cresent to Ngee Ann Poly.

I guess being in the right mood brings about good luck. I am FINALLY able to do ONE question out of the entire module's assignments and case studies for Econs. I am so proud of myself. all thanks to marketing. and hearing the remark 'I think ur answer is correct- i can't get the calculations right' from those scholars is a mega happiness booster.

OMG~

my TP account is still active, meaning i canstill login with my old password and matric numer, which i remember! omg~! i'm so excited. this is the first time i checked since i graduated and the 1st mail that i see is the FHA one. i was cursing and swearing- what did i NOT check my mailbox JUST AFTER graduation? i missed like a fantastic opportunity to enjoy good food and wine with friends! yeap. sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz.

still, i'm glad TP hasnt forget about me. or rather,the computer system still enables me to login.

Usually i skip the sports section in newspapers.

Actually not totally. They have to come up with a really nice cutesy title in order to catch my attention. So this journalist did, and he named it "Cotton wool, and a kid named Tiger."

The article is on Tiger woods, who is supposed to be the world no. 1 golfer (not anymore i guess).

Some of the things i noted:
[Wonder how much of the cotton wool is of his own decor]
[Maybe i shall design to visit him again in 10 years, when he is 40, and bring along a cap and a magic marker. If he does stop to sign, it would be a signature worth keeping, i think, for who knows what else he would have achieved in the game over the next decase. If not, i can wait till he's 50.]

Love that. The beauty of the job of a journalist.

Totally agree on what BL says on her blog:

[Home is for free expression and inspiration , not for good impression]

but is it a valid reason why the closest people around us always get the nasty effects of rude response, mood-swings and the more negative side of our personality? do we even take that expression for granted and think that as family, it is only right that they see the worst side of us? and get the s*** that others wont get, even though it might not be their fault in the first place??

yeap. i guess that happens to me.. uncontrollable release of agression and frustrations in the comfort of one's home. it's like returning to a safe pier for repair and maintenance before we go in search of new places and destinations.. i take for granted the tolerance of my family, and am reassured that no matter what i do, i'll be forgiven and loved. it's a selfish and evil thought. maybe that's what others call bond?

the time of the year has come for reflection and more reflections. partly because of the season, but more as a result of the upcoming exams. has always been like that. nearing the exam period where i know time is running out, i'll have a million and one things to do EXCEPT getting started. i am lying if i say the stress dont get into me. a friend was telling me she aims to be like me, to really enjoy uni life for the next 3 years, 4 if possible, and not let the pressure bug me. then again, how was she able to just 'determine' how i react to the environment around me when i, myself cant even do that? i am trying hard not to get too uptight about the stupid papers at the end of the month but the more i resist the thought of being pressurized, the more i seem to be affected. and the problem now is, how can i prioritize my work such that i finish my 3 assignments on time for submission AND then START going through the webcasts for those lectures that i've slept thru (like ALL of them!!)...

besides not doing all of the above, i've started to watch shows.. mediacorp shows, the project superstarII.. sometimes an episode or two of american next top model, sometimes extreme makeover, sometimes taiwan variety progs, and not to forget korean shows and anime.. and all these are slowing climbing the chart of my priority list. it's frustrating knowing the cause but cant find a cure for it. am so looking forward to Dec.. AFTER the exams, the attend my cousin's wedding.. (1st of all my cousins).. after my uncle's.. which was like donkey years ago (maybe 8).. i'm so looking forward to be affected by the happiness.. and isnt it sweet to get married in the best season of the year?

Pple, please watch 'Behind Enemy Lines' tomorrow at channel5.. 20:30...

This is one movie i watched 'by accident' and not by choice coz movie tix for the popular shows were sold out. but i'm glad at this 'by chance' coincidence.. the show is awesome!!!

Gosh~ can't believe it's Friday yet again. Thank God.

music on playback.. on and on and on.. like Do Until loops in IT1801.. the VBA should look sth like this:

sub songs ()
Dim song As String
song=Application.WindowsMediaPlayer.Library.songlist
song.Activate
Do Until song=have a little more faith in me
If song <> have a little more faith in me Then
Do Until song=have a little more faith in me
Range("Library").offset(song,0).value=song
song=song+1
Loop
End If
song=song+1
Loop
End sub

should be sth like the above but think i need to debug the procedure.. sth is wrong somewhere.. felt like a wrongly written proocedure.. one that has infinite loops.. such that the com hangs.. and i want December to come faster.. after reading papers on tourism, i need a "well-deserved break" to "get away".. delight at the thought of going through "liminoid" situations. my marketing tutor asked what's my plan for December. told him i need to get the exams over and done with first, then most probably work to earn some pocket money for the break.. i want a holiday. But who's going with me?

Pple have already started mugging for the exams, which happens to be like 27 days away (thanks to MF, who started the countdown yesterday)..

here i am, struggling with a sociology paper and a programming project.. one due next wek and one the week after.. goodness gracious.. the proj scope is horrendous.. i need to do readings, readings AND more readings.. and my tutor is an absolute horroe. he actually told the class that he takes delight in giving students D..

the people there are driving me crazy.. i am having a hard time reassuring myself that everything will be fine.. and i wonder when i'm able to catch up.. think NEVER.

yah. this is the time i think the strange is familiar. maybe i can be a sociologist in future?
and i've always been living in square concrete boxes, and will be doing so for my whole life.. so who on earth cares if it's an experiment or not? we're used to it. at least singaporeans are.

am really glad that the weekends are here.. and that my fav season is approaching..

nightmares end this Dec

Pray that i wont ever get to see war on the land that i'm on. it's kinda sad listening to floating stories from my grandparents.. listening to how their lives changed coz of the war. knowing the pain and terror they face during good times.. that's why i've always been a little paranoid about enjoying the good things in life.. coz u wont ever know if it's just a smokescreen.

and money.. it's the root of all evil. and the reason why it's the root of all evil is beacause it's a good medium of exchange.. and the medium of exchange serves as a value in which pple use to go about their everyday lives.. that's why we cant help but want more of it.. that's why we cant get rid of it, ever.

it's the perfect game strategy ever created so that this game never ends.. and it never will, so long as this fundamental rule applies..

the humid weather is getting on my nerves.. i'm so looking forward to this rainy season.. partly so coz it'll ease the horrid size effects of the haze condition, but more so of the refreshing feel it brings.. and what is this grey-sky-no-rain thing that's been around for 2 days? felt as if everything has been repressed.. and somethings are going to explode soon.. it better not be me.

Okay. Take a deep breath.

Before i continue on my never ending econs preparation for tomorrow's meeting, i need to pray, for a miracle.

Firstly, all thanks to a groupmate, we're half done with the assignment. But then, i get more confused reading his answers though his 'answer sheet' seem to have the perfect solutions.. all coz of the complex equations..

this whole thing is slowing driving me nuts. but lucky i receive mails with content like:

[ we are already meeting on monday and that will be the main meeting.
technically u should be free coz u r in the same lec group as us!
so having something totally unmissable is not an excuse.]

[It is rather unfortunate that you misunderstood my good intentions for I merely suggested Tuesday as I figured it would suit everyone’s convenience better. However, since you insist on Monday, I shall oblige.

In the future, it would be much appreciated if you could perhaps use a more polite and respectful tone when mailing all of us.

Speaking of technicalities, when something is considered unmissable it is only logical to assume that it is in fact an excuse.

As for the rest, see you tmw.]

yeap. these brainy pple are funny.. serious.. proj work never get half as interesting as these useless crap.. they brighten up my day.. lolx..

spent yet another day slacking away. finished dou yu II (some old taiwan drama) within 2 days.. it's an achievement.. and i felt twice as guilty after watching the show coz i could've done so many other things that are on my priority list.. yeah.. opportunity cost i know..

but then...

i'm celebrating this festive season with the Hindus and Muslims counterparts. we're living in a cosmopolitan society.. so i shld learn to embrace other cultures.. and that is a damn good excuse for my total indulgence over the weekend..

cheers for a better tomorrow, coz i'm so not looking forward to tourism sociology meeting in the morning talking abt what i've researched and read up on.. coz i haven even touch a thing.. have to crap up something.. i pray for forgiveness for my laziness and for my little white lie tomorrow.. great.. and what abt trainings? haven been attending them for like 3 weeks? yeah.. proj workload and deadlines are just excuses.. so maybe i can pray for some commitment now that activities are no longer important? and i need more fuel.. for the passion. but first, i must find the spark. yeah. give me 2 stones.

now time for the only game that i'm constantly practising.. killing brain cells..

cheers, for a better tomorrow..

Yup. i'm oficially 20. It doesnt really make a lot of difference between 19 and 20 since it's all psychological. pple auto round it up. i've been saying i'm 20 since last year and i look like 23 anyway, so shld be grateful that i'm becoming younger each year.

struggling for 3 nights straight for the marketing individual proj.. i'm not a perfectionist but i do want to give my best.. this year, i wish for more contentment, and the ability to forgive the nitty gritties in life. unimportant things that shldnt take priority or cause any major disturbances in my life in the first place. things that shld take a backseat shld be in the boot.

Thanks to all who gave birthday greetings.. it's nice knowing pple remember my bdae, though friendster and birthdayalarm.com help a great deal in sending reminders.. lolx..

Jo's sms made me smile. guess the best gifts are those that make pple smile, regardless of the price value of the item.
she hopes that i'll meet prince today. well well.. first and foremost, how am i able to meet him when cinderella's already got him like 'a long long time ago?' and that even if he somehow starts travelling to my world now, he'll take 'a long long time' to reach my side. so this is impossible.. lolx.. and if he's gone, then cinderella = poor thing.

i'm indulging, soaking up the serenity that can only be experienced at this unearthly hour. taking time to sit ard and not do school work, feeling like the world owes me sth just for today.. and that this being my day is good enough an excuse for anything else i feel like putting aside..

aint in the reflective mood recently. maybe that's why i haven been able to improve, to march forward. i need time to connect with myself. guess that's the only disadvantage of being a Libra- the need to balance, precisely.. lolx..

Yup.. got this off some astrology webbie:

As much as you may not want to deal with the very things you absolutely must, the time has come. You can't postpone the inevitable any longer. You have had your time to rest and recuperate; now it is time to put the gears in motion. You are likely to get very emotional about your work today, so you might as well establish a good relationship with it instead of a negative one.

yeah.. i'm really working my ass off on that idiotic product life cycle.
the above sentence is a clear indication that i'm not postponing, definitely puting my gears in action and is very emotional!

okay. i know what i want for my birthday- compliments for the whole day.

kinda long since the last compliment.. cant even remember when.. it's the encore, encore feeling. gosh~ PJ must be crazy. well, i need to hear some nice things about me every now and then in order to stay happy and young.. so maybe it's time to get a bf? lolx..

somewhere is wired wrongly.. and i need to get away from marketing product life cycle. dun recall having to put in so much effort for a poly proj.. what did i get myself into this time? :(

went for a class gathering that i wasnt really invited to go by coincidence.
joined the gang but nv talk much.. the rest are pretty much the same after so long. realised how much i've aged, not them. our social circles never cross. even though we're in the same area, sitting at the same table, trying hard to make ourselves comfortable in each other's presence, i guess there's still no connection. it's kinda sad knowing that i spent 2 whole years of my life with a group of pple than i cant really find a common focal point with. i tried, so hard to find sth to talk about- school. but then again, like what they say, pls lor, talking abt school on a weekend. how nice! seriously speaking, other than that, and another common question 'do u have a bf now?', we have like not much common topics.

kinda pathetic how things turn out. but they wont die without having me as a friend since we have never been getting along fantastically... on the contrary, it's weird when we meet up suddenly and have to get use to that strange unfamiliar interpersonal relationship that plainly shows that u're trying too hard for sth that hasnt been achieved in the past and will never turn out well in the future (at least for this lifetime).

Glad that doesnt happen to everyone ard me. i'm pretty comfortable with meeting some friends that i haven been seeing in ages and picking the friendship where we left off knowing that certain things will never change and they're here to stay. what a nice phrase. here to stay. it's like living in a comfort zone knowing there are things that will keep u rooted. yes~ it's the anchored feeling we're attached to.

product life cycle. that damn marketing term.
this mere 15% is taking up so much more time than a 40% mid-term revision. then again, econs assignments still far surpass others in terms of minimal weightage but maximum time/energy contribution and this subject has 4 assignments in total, and 2 presentations. like wth.. and it's a group with 9 members. hohoho.. merry christmas!

Spoilt brat. Really am.

18th birthday i went on a cruise with my family and relatives.
19th birthday i got a purple gold ring from my mom.
20th birthday i got a hp laptop. (not even 20 yet! = )

Told my dad i want a supp card for my 21st birthday. lolx.. It's meant to be a joke but it doesnt really hurt to just pray hard.. ^.~

Guess there's pretty much nothing more in life than i can ask for. or rather, nothing much i want (now). Marketers always say that there is no end to wants, even the economists say so. Then again, there is no want if there is no desire AND liking is not equal to wanting. It's like saying 'the ocean is beautiful' when u have hydrophobia.

However, it's always nice to have pleasant surprises.. who doesnt? lolx.. It's like there is no dead weight loss in society plus the receiver benefits in the sense that he or she might not even be aware that he/she might enjoy the particular gift given, or that the gift is only accessible to the giver.

Wanted to buy myself something but couldnt find any. Gave up. shall just shop aimlessly and find sth that i happen to think i like and make do with it. Guess i'm still in what E.Erikson would say: 4th stage- identity vs identity confusion stage.

oh great. more abt marketing, econs & social work and my brain is certified fried.

Talking Cock in Parliament - Hossan Leong

in the mood to bring the archives in my previous blog back to life.
take a look will ya, if u have the time.
it's a record of my growth, (and confusion) for the past 2 years.
that was how i started out. and this is what i am.
It's as good, or even better, than looking at photo albums with fashion poses and fake smiles.

I can't believe my group is so damn lucky, again.
That slacker's club.

my day ended great. i skipped training.

sociology tut was full of question marks.. i dun really know what useful things i learnt when i came out of the class. the tutor seems to be able to see the subtle symbols/ meanings of sex in everthing he comes across in this subject. he got so excited talking about sec tourism, s'poreans going to Batam over the weekends, showing us how Korea's brochure portray their cultures and country, using pictures to entise pple (sex inocations of course). he can even relate airline advertisement - the stewardess as a sex object. it's just a stewardess in a business suit, with the tagline 'taking flight'. so he said it's supposed to be sth like 'taking off'. WTH! i dun find it any more amusing than he finds the ad. but after he mentioned it, it really is tat i'll never look at the same ad in the same way again.

and contiki holiday! he totally spoil my impression of contiki as the ideal tour agent for young adventurous adults. he brought in what he thinks the pamphlet is portraying- sex with multiple parters, not giving a care about who they are- since after the trip, you wont get to see each other again.and he mentioned 'it's so obvious since it's only for pple between the age of 18-35'. this kinda sux. the lesson is all about him giving his views, and his uncovering of such stuff in almost all materials.

and he told us 'i was ugly when i first came to s'pore. had a couple of gfs. one is a model for triumph.' and he went on to inform us that he still sees the ad his ex-gf is on all over s'pore though it was an ad about 7, 8 years ago. told us she was 23 when she took that ad. shld be about 30 now. the way he said it- like the model is an old hag now and shldnt be seen. the image of the huge word 'JERK' just drop from the ceiling and hovers over his head. think it's his evil grin and sheepish smile.

i'm kinda disappointed i got into his class. it's not so much of him spoiling my ideologies of tourism and hospitality..

but more of him spoiling the image/ impression and respect i have for all educators.

Didnt get my sis anything for her birthday. not even a cake. was in school the whole day and reached home close to 11 at night. rummage thru a particular drawer coz i was in the mood and found a birthday card i gave her in year 1998.

it's weird how things happened. i touch that drawer like once a year. the card was inside an envelope and it was the first thing i took out. amazing huh..

6 years, just like that.

will be doing the 7,7 thing on monday. he's gone for more than a month, just like that. no major changes in my life, no difficult adjustment period. life's just like that.

mid-autumn festival will soon be here. next friday to be exact. i've been looking forward to mooncakes since like April. but since i'm not allowed to celebrate, i cant really indulge in mooncakes. can even purchase any.. Grr... have to wait for pple to give mooncake as gift before i can eat. it's another of the many traditions and culture thing again. if we can't celebrate, cant buy, why shld we even eat? they say not allowed to celebrate this festival coz it symbolises 'tuan yuan'. and cant buy coz mooncakes are round, and it reinforces the 'tuan yuan' spirit. if that's the case, easy. get a mooncake that's square!!

sad~ mid-autumn has always been one of my fav festivals. i miss da bing!!!! my grandpa used to love it too. used to eat it before dinner and he would always nag, then maybe take a piece or two. we had that together a couple of weeks before he passed away. took the last piece and threw the box away. how i wished i left the last piece for him. he wouldnt mind i think. by then he cant even remember me.

when a fellow trainee told me her grandpa had a stroke and became kind of senile thereafter, she chatted with him for over 2 hours but he turned to ask her why his granddaughter haven come to visit him, i was thinking 'oh poor thing!' now i know how she felt then. from an outsider's POV, the only word i can think of is 'pity.'

the term break is over. hafta move on to more difficult things. but that is, after a good dinner to substitute the bdae celebration for my sis. can always leave the troublesome time to tomorrow.

kinda glad tuesday is over. proj meetings all the way from 10 till 4.30. i'm so unproductive after such long meetings that i didnt really contribute much for the last hr or so. wanted to go to the canteen for a break till training starts but received orders from my grpmates to upload all my stuff BY yesterday night. that means i have to do it before training and start drawing graphs and all, just because they dunno how to do it in MSword. okay, i admit i'm irritated coz i had a long day and have more tiring stuff to look forward to, and with the lines and curves on the screen, i kinda lose focus and uploaded graphs that are not perfect. okay. good. cant u change it if u realised what's wrong. must ask me to change then upload again. these pple are crazy. they like to do double work.

felt that i wasnt up to attend training, especially another proj grp wanna meet on SUNDAY MORNING in school. was wondering if this is my deserved 1 week break. and i have 3 more projs i haven even started. gosh~ time is running out. really felt like taking a cab home and sleeping thr the journey. THEN, that wasnt my choice in the end.

my saviour song came on air.. it's easy to miss out on the simple good in life when u are on a smooth track. the valley times seemed so far away.

the tourism sociology lecture on fri is the best one of yet. the video on Nepal is inspiring. or maybe i've been sleeping thru the other lectures to even be bothered. anyway, this tourist mentioned that the rich going to poorer countries to have a different experience and the poor longing to go to nice foreign countries for a holiday.

sometimes we go away so that we'll be better able to appreciate what we have now. it's not so much that we are unhappy with what we have.. just that we can better know how fortunate we are after a trip away from home. if u feel the same during a trip and at home, then it defeats the purpose of going away. might also be that problems are seemingly easier to handle after a break.. till you're ready to face whatever that has to come..

felt so guilty after the video. i know that if i work hard for half a year, i'll save enough money to go overseas for maybe a week or so. then continue slogging till the next trip. this is a guaranteed incentive in this part of the world that i'm living in. i am sure that i can decide and choose whatever route i think i want to choose and do whatever i feel like doing, so long it's within the law.. i can continue studying and get a degree after 3 years, i ca drop out right now and find a job that i want, apply for any job i want to/feel like doing. or even just slack at home for a couple of weeks to rest. It's like knowing i have the power, ability and freedom to be myself. luxurious life. opportunities aplenty. unlimited choices.

i'm kinda glad that in this lifetime, i'm here. I'M HERE. not in Nepal, not in Antigua, not in new guinea. not anywhere else but Singapore. the land of opportunities amidst restricted freedom. just how lucky can i get? so i ask myself. what did i do my past life to deserve this good life? how much good i did then to enjoy all that i have now.

back to my saviour song. was that coz it accompanied me through rough times. then again, how bad can this journey get? yeah.. making mountain out of molehill again? maybe. so maybe i've been living in comfort for too long that every little bump has a great impact. listened to how some schoolmates got into jail, released. some married, with kids. then a friend said "i'm glad u all never change for the worse" and "you're still the same as i last saw you".

stay the same... is that good or bad?

~TGIF~

planned to have an OFF day today. that's why i rescheduled my subject pool to tomorrow and my marketing lec on monday. ended up having to go to sch for cca. it isnt half as bad as i imagine it to be. had a good workout, and the seniors are quite nice to teach us one-on-one. it's so much nicer to have someone to train with than poking the grey mat alone. the face guard stinks. then again, i like the feeling after i wore that thing. can confirm i dun hav claustrophobia.

a tad disappointed that i am unable to do what i've initially planned to do this week. but after that post on the forum, and finally completing my IT tut, finally going thru the econs assignment qns and answers bfore the meeting tml.. gosh~ i'm dead beat. especially after training.. thought of having a good sleep. but gotta wake up early tml for the subject pool. it kinda sux. but thank god recess week is here. NO LESSONS. only proj meetings!!!

Remember the forgotten.

Seem as though i'm still at square one after so long, unable to make any improvement.
Then again, interacting with pple within the memory reach showed me how much i've changed since then. The old me is like a thing of the past. Kinda hard to imagine- made it look as though many things didnt happen at all.

it's like wanting to put all my memories in a bag so that they'll be with me wherever i go, then realising after the journey that there's a hole at the bottom of my bag.
So it's as such. somethings are just meant to be left behind.
somethings we just cant seem to let go, dun want to forget.

Losing control...

The last time i did that was in Sec 2, when i raised my voice at some senior before sports day, in the stadium.

The same thing happened today. intended to use a polite, courteous and nice manner to reason. Ended up being affected by the body language and tone of the service staff. Didn't resort to using the insulting words -'i want to speak to your manager'. that i'm giving her enough face.

I dun want to repeat the story so dun ask. Guess the reason why i'm so pissed off is coz having been in the hospi industry and service sector so so long, it's kinda irritating to meet such front line staff. they kinda spoil the whole image of service-orientated pple. and haven they heard about GEMS? apparently, the manager and his staff dont know a thing about service recovery. maybe they ought to send their staff for more training, or hire some professional from shaltec to give them inspirational talks. the girl must be cursing and swearing behind my back. which i think is normal. guess i'm most probably blacklisted. who cares- i'm boycotting that place.

what a way to end my week.

Been thinking up a lot of wants recently.
Things that I know I can do without but can be a source of self-assurance that I'm living & behaving normally based on the assumption that in any case, I will want more of a commodity than less of it. anyway, 'wants' is a subset of 'needs'.

Soon I'll leave my teenage self behind and advance into adulthood (hey, I'm trying to be serious here!). Still thinking how I'll say goodbye to the old-self-gonna-be and move closer to who-i-wanna-be.. Most prob get myself sth that I think I want.

Blog has been up for 2 years. URL and skins changed a couple of times. the number of entries come to to more than 500. Frankly speaking, I have no idea how I managed to come up with things to say 500 times. Serious. Put the archives back into my blog recently. Love the feeling of being able to just browse thru the entries as and when I like without signing in to blogger and previewing the posts one by one. Sometimes, I amaze myself. I ACTUALLY make sense in some of my entries. lolx. am now a little proud of myself so I start to wonder if others who happened to come across this blog, start nodding away as their eyes follow the lines on screen, tried retrieving my previous entries (esp my previous bloggie, condition- if my archives is up) and even taking note of certain things I've said or certain beliefs I stand by. that would be so lovely. but it's just a thought.

yeap. pple have been asking my abt school. the pple there are crazy. they can do a half an hr presentation with complete scripts and videos for an assignment that is not graded. IT IS NOT GRADED. back in TP, most of the groups would just send a representative up and give a 5 mins brief presentation. that's the difference. Maybe they have no idea abt the marks allocation for the subject. or maybe they're just plain hardworking (is there even such a word?).

one of my subject's grpmates actually bother to perfect a group assignment that consists of 9 members. 9 mbrs! someone even created a community in the sch website so that we are able to upload stuff and use the forum for discussion. Need they be so enthu? spending 4 hrs on 8 simple qns, finding all possibilities with the qns, thinking WAY OUTTA the box.

recalled what we did in poly if we are not progressing-
there's always tml.
silence means consent.
Majority wins.
'let's move on' sounds much more practical and sensible than repeating 'i think we should do this, or that, or maybe that. or maybe not. what u said make sense. what he brought up sounds okay too. what do you think?' again and again at 8pm on a raining FRIDAY night and some pple are having dinner buffet just 50 metres away frm the table we're discussing. i'm cold, hungry and dead beat after a long week. and all they do is to repeat 'go back to the previous slide will you?

3 sentences kept running thru my head then:
1) u can think all you want over the weekend, then we discuss again.
2) Let me go will ya. u all continue.
3) SOMEONE PLS SAVE ME!!!!!!!!

what makes it worse is that they dun like to break down into smaller grps to start on diff things. they ant ALL to participate in the discussion. that i find it SOOOO unproductive. we have the outline so some start on the slides, others on the handout. we'll take less than half the time needed. missed the time when we'll just divide the workload and everyone is perfectly comfortable with the arrangement, trusting ur grpmates completely. THAT, i call teamwork.
THIS, speechless.

I've been a cross between a duck and a frog for the past 2 days.

Went past the NUS archery peeps preparing for training and was thinking how much i missed trainings though i'm always the lazy one. i've decided not to cause trouble for the archery pple in uni coz i've done enough for those in poly. uni pple are more stressed. so shall let them have a break. what TJ said make sense too. i shldnt juz get in based on LUCK again.. then maybe mess up their team or what...

badly wanted to try Kendo initially but then their 'hoho haha' loud shoutings (actually i have no idea what commands they're screaming but it sounded sth close to that) kinda gave me a very clear indication of the weekly rantings that i shld expect if i join their club. (just imagine a PJ even more insane than now) what a nightmare! but then again, releasing frustrations and anger directly thru sports communication is an awesome outlet. *raise eyebrows

anyway, i joined fencing. or u can say i'll be joining fencing (coz i haven pay the term fund!)
it's a funny sport really. u're supposed to look confidence in that weird stance. it's tiring. no joke.
they dun incorporate team spirit in that sport. finish training u can just leave. no cool down. just take ur barang and siam. most of them are staying in hall anyway. so they can take their own sweet time. but imagine having to travel an hour to get home after a tiring day. it kinda sux. but sch w/o cca doesnt really seem like an educaiton TO ME. have been leading a kinda lax lifestyle for so long. it's time to bring my life back in order (or shld i say back to the usual messy state so that it looks like it's normal)..

oh my.. haven mention the coach. imagine instructions and all in CHINESE! and the team has a caucasian member. lolx.. the coach is even slacker than i am. he's around for an hr or so, then he told us to practise somemore and he went home. like DUH~! so weird. it's as good as not having him around. told us that the more we practise, the more at ease we'll feel. yah. as if i dunno.
maybe he should be an instructor instead of a coach.
to make the matter worse, the kendo club mbrs are having training in the same sports hall. yeah. even better. i really cant hear a word the china man is saying. so i assume. anticipate instructions. lolx.. cant help it. am trying my best. hope i dun cause any trouble now that it's a new beginning.

then again, my beginnings never turn out the way i expected them to be, so far.

Not free to start on assignments,
no time for relaxation.
No mood for exercise,
no excuse. not enough anyway.

losing track of time. i dunno what i did the past week to make it go so fast. it's like pressing the fast-forward button on the remote control while the screen is still programmed on 'play'. i cant seem to link things up and this disconnected thoughts irritate me. seriously.

the weather aint too good. i'm so looking forward to the rainy season. come Oct come.

next up, me.

Moved on, somehow. entered another phase in life, at least.

liminality.

so here i am, back to where i think i belong, where i ought to belong.

school life is as such. meet friends, try to do the best that u can be and whatever the pple at sch told/advise u to, try to meet your own expectations, then we move on. scale 'greater' heights. pple only want to see u better off than the last time they saw u. no one cares about the transition in between. maybe except me.

well, that's life. we have to move on. not because we want to, but coz if we dont, we'll get left behind. and it's kinda unbearable if u're the only person u see for miles. it's not so bad being alone, if the negativities dun start enveloping you with darkness.

whatever it is, i've only 3 years to a degree, then maybe 37 more years of work, then maybe 10 years of enjoyment after retirement. maybe 5. that's what i want to start to plan, for what i can do when i'm old and waiting for the right time to pass on. like what dreams may come, i'm seeking for the life after, which may or may not be available when i'm ready.

guess the virus got into my head recently, or the lectures are starting to hypnotise me. either way, i'm kinda glad it's Friday, odd week. cheers to even week.

Welcome confusion with open arms.
Kepping things simple. Or want to.
But the world doesnt wait ard for those who want less.
Life got complicated and left me behind.

oh great. 2 weeks have passed, even before i have the chance to wave sayo to carefree life in preparation for uni.

made the decision to quit last month so that i'll have ample time to rest, and start anew. then again, my 'start-anews' have also been unsuccessful (for as long as i can remember).

To my friends out there, many thanks for your concern. I'm fine now. really.
Just that everytime i walk pass his room, i'll sneak a peep to find the bed and sofa gone.
Maybe i shld grieve for a longer period of time. but then again, there is only so much u can do when ur tears run dry. Right now i cant find a reason good enough for the tear to drop. memories are just moments to remember, or so i choose to believe.

I know i shldnt be harping on the same issue over and over agin but somehow, i know guilt will come creeping if i start to forget.. when i start to move on, i'll leave him behind. just like i did her. it's just that i'll think of the person lesser each time until i wont remember if i dun remind myself.. but well, isnt that a good sign?

everytime i go overseas, i'll make it a point to let something go. come back with a lighten heart i suppose. with my head up in the clouds, i set off on a journey wanting to leave a part of me behind deliberately so that i can prepare myself for more things to come. that might be the reason why i tend to want to return to places that i've been to. in search of memories maybe. Most i've succeeded, some i failed. but as far as i am concern, this is enough.

i need a hug back then. was thinking it is the world's best anti-depressant.
thanks for your offer ching. (=

life has in store surprises aplenty. my 1st marketing lec i sat beside this girl who intro herself as ching ching. for a moment i was *huh, come again.. how do you spell it?
then i saw Dara in my social work lec. and i am actually having the tourism sociology cls together with meng yong and xiao ling. talking about coincidences. of course the someone above doesnt always have in store lovely stuff. but well, i like the okay VS not-okay ratio.

right now, the only thing i can think about is going overseas and not studies. call me a tortise. i dun care. krabi will be nice, but Aust is a better option - further out anyway.

Was in school when i got the news that he's having breathing difficulty.

Didnt rush down immediately coz i was thinking i cant save him anyway.

Got the call just before the lec on human development in the lifespan. Dad told me he's dead.

The lecture sux, big time. I was alone, in a daze, listening to the lecturer going on about pple growing up and eventually die and felt like screaming 'he's dead. just like you say.'
i really dunno why i sat thru the lec, fighting back tears.
got out right after lec to find that it was raining outside. heavy downpour matches my mood.

waited for cab in NUS in the rain. that was when i truly understands why they use the phrase 'unsure whether the thing on my face is rain or tears.' raining tears. guess the rain came at the right time. pple must be thinking i'm mad. lucky they didnt see me crying.

got up a cab, still in a daze. guess the uncle knew. didnt say anything thruout the journey. i was tearing, tearing, tearing the whole way. reached my grandpa's place only to find the void deck set up.

ceremony of laying him to rest in the coffin was scheduled in the afternoon. i guess i never want to face the same situaiton ever again. knowing that from that point onwards, it is impossible to have any form of physical connection again. they sealed the coffin. i remembered his silence. me hearing my thoughts screaming. i didnt say goodbye to him the night before you know. i did all the previous visits at SGH. but i didnt that night. didint tell him i'll be visiting the next day. and he's gone. before i have the chance.

the mandai crematorium is nice, if it's not for that kinda thing. they managed to make the whole place serene and calm. it's my emotions that werent.

they decorated the whole coffin lid with flowers. it was lovely. guess that lightened our spirits a little. at least mine. my uncle broke down when they told us to have our last words. someone guided us to the viewing hall. i hate that place. it was where a machine was programmed to carry the coffin to the furnace entrance. i see the door opening and the machine moved in. frm the buddhism and taoism point of view, we should chant amitabha so that he will reach nirvana sooner. we chanted, until we couldnt anymore. i saw the doow closing. and lose control. flashbacks from 7 years ago. my grandma was cremated at mount vernon. there, they go by the old fashion way. 2 strong men pushed the coffin. literally, pushed in into the furnace. that is the ultimate. i'm glad they changed it this time round. make it a little easier for me to bear. just a little.

my way of saying goodbye. i folded so many. one after another. for the sake that he'll find my grandma sooner. my last word with him was that. he was a man of few words. he didnt like to talk and was serious. neighbours who ame to pay their last respect said that we are a honest, simple family. gambling is not allowed. noone raises their voices at home. no running about the house. strict unspoken family rules that everyone abides. discipline. very. have to ask for permission to open the fridge. wasnt allowed to drink water during dinner. cant switch on the tv when my grandpa is ard unless it's a documentary. no loud music. just everyone quietly getting about their chores living life. simplicity. guess that's the value he wants to instil.

He's a fortunate man. everyone says so. live to a ripe old age of 82. with all his grandchildren grown up. my cousin managed to take a pic with him on her uni graduation day. he was contented. but lonely for 7 years. guess the past few years had been quite unbearable. he didnt say it. but we know. was saying he's just waiting for death to come. i dont visit him as often compared to sec school. during the growing up proces, i sort of take it all for granted. they call it the survivor's guilt. but i was glad he spent the last 2 weeks of his life in hospital. at least everyone of us visited him and get to see him. and it was during his hospitalisation that i know his full name for the first time. how can i live my life for close to 20 years with more than 3/4 of my life with him yet i dunno his name. and it was until the ceremony that i realised my parents and relatives dun call him dad. they called him 'ah zek', meaning uncle in chinese. mom told me pple of the older generation believe that it is easier to raise their kids of the parent-child relationship is not that close, hence many chose to let their children call them 'aunt' and 'uncle' instead of the usual mom and dad.

i guess i sorta prepared myself for this. but i cant explain why there's still this void in my life for the past week. letting go. didnt i say that it has always been my greatest weakness?

He's gone. On August 15.

Letting go

Aint in a fantastic mood recently.

Can't seem to bring myself to enjoy orientation to the fullest.

It has been confirmed.

Was told the news after Dean's evening.

He's brain dead, but still alive. His heart is still functioning and they're still feeding him milk.

I know that there is no chance of him waking up. It's kinda sad when u know there isnt even a slim chance. Not even hope for a miracle.

Didnt go down to visit him due to orientation. was feeling kinda guilty coz i still went for orientation when he's in such a state. but then again, it's like i'll only get orientated once in my uni life.. one step at a time i guess.

I really have no idea how much more time we have with him. Was told by the Doc what we usually hear on TV- might be tonight, tomorrow or next week. was hoping we could somehow buy more time. more time to prepare ourselves for the goodbye. more time to accept the fact that no one lives forever and it's a natural process to pass on somehow, someday.

I guess i need more time for self-talks so that i can be prepared, come what may.

I dunno abt the rest. but letting go has always been my greatest weakness.

Nationality should be determined by where your heart feels at home, not by where your body happened to be born.

Happy Birthday Singapore!

went flagging yesterday with the yo-sul peeps.

this is one flag day that i will remember for the rest of my life.
12 hrs of flagging = madness.

but 'business' aint too bad. pple are quite generous though there were like 3 diff grps of pple asking for donations.

there's the NUS flag day, NYJC flag day and the Straits Times pocket money fund flag day.
I like the NY donation sticker though. lolx.

had dinner with the OG peeps. aint to bad. they drove us to chomp chomp (haven been there for ages) and realised that the place is somewhat the same before and after reno. so basically, i think it's a waste of money renovating. the food is still nice though, and oily-as usual.

next up is the Dean's evening.

He will be in that state till he pass on.

none of us cried buckets. so i reckon we're somehow prepared for the truth.

someday i wish i could be like him. spending my last few moments in a deep sleep that last till forever.

we're all surprisingly optimistic, still holding on to the thing called 'miracle'.

he looks so much like himself taking an afternoon nap at home. so childlike.
and he has that kinda look on his face that we just cant bear to wake him up.

pls God, if you want, take him away in this state that he's in.
let there be no more pain or sense of helplessness.
this is the last thing i can do for him.

bored. to tears.

i sat beside the hospital bed feeling helpless. there's only so much u can do. and you leave the rest to fate.

the doctors told us that it's serious. i dunno whether to feel bad about it coz they have the kinda oh-well-he's-just-too-old-can't-help-it kinda face or to feel good coz it'll mean the end to 7 years of suffering.

the older we get, the more we learn to let go, or the more we should learn to hold on?

Let the magic begins..

1st day of 0week orientation over... i cant believe i sat thru the endless talks that lasted for more than 3/4 of the day.

seriously speaking, poly orientation like more fun huh.. or maybe the OGs are more on..

i dunno why it's called orientation when there's no cheers, no games and minimal bonding. lolx. but hey, maybe this is what uni life is all about.. perhaps.. yet to know.

there goes my last day in TMS.

i wasnt touched, but i felt like crying.

the FOM treated me to lunch (i had a 1hr 45 mins break), together with my rsvns mngr and assistant mngr plus the admin exec.
it's just that i never expected her to show any appreciation coz i was there just to 'help out' as a temp staff and didnt get to work with her directly.
so maybe it's just an excuse to eat out with a group of pple..

my department peeps said lots of nice farewell words. they gave me taka vouchers as a gift coz they say they dun really hav any idea what to get me. it's just that one line inside the env and my eyes got teary.

i started missing all their dialect converastions and emotional expressions even before i left.
i stood at the checkpoint thinking this may well be the last time i get to punch in and out.

then i start regretting i haven say farewell to my fav security guard, the 2 very friendly aunties, Rai, Doreen, Mr. Tay, Jimmy, Caleen, Cassandra and so on.. these are the few pple that i really enjoyed working with in this organisation that i slogged for 15 months. and i still cant believe it's been 15 long months. i once told myself that the longest time i'll ever stay in the same organisaiton is probably a year. and i'm now over that limit.

had a rather empty day today. no fulfilment, no sense of achievement. not even tiredness. i'm starting to enjoy the kinda exhausted feeling that leads to the desire to want to have a good rest. maybe that's what all working adults are looking for at the end of the day. a comfort spot to recharge.

My life has been a series of wonderful experiences. It's a pity i wasn't there for most of them

wanted to say countdown to my last day.
then i realised there's no need to do so coz i'm only left with one day.
got time off work today to go visiting- my grandma's urn.

i make it a point to tell her a good piece of news everytime i'm there.
then again, i believe in reincarnation. so maybe she's not around to know anymore.

i cant make up my mind. coz i also believe than when we pass on, we go to another place/dimension to continue our journey. and it's kinda reassuring if we choose to think that the kind of life will go on forever..

so maybe i shldnt trust myself too much.

July has come to an end. that means i'm less than half a year to my fav season.. say yeah!

-Time out-

connecting with myself. somehow connection via blog space goes haywire. no longer able to enjoy the same impact. found an even better outlet.

recently, i found a way to really hear myself- think aloud to be exact.
it's the only thing i find assuring, knowing that my heart is beating fast because of the high adrenaline level and not due to the rising blood pressure.
it's by far the only activity (i find) that NATO pple (No Action Talk Only) can and will actually do in silence. one which pple can shut up and 'just do it'. no amount of flower language or power sports attire will help you win this one.

i like.

after an extensive one, when u really push urself to the limit, u'll feel sth dying away. i guess that's our will to live. so that's as close i can get/feel, to death. maybe i'll have the same feelings 50 years down the road. or maybe even shorter.

u know it's weird. all negativities fade away. or shld i say they evaporate with the sweat. gone with the wind. lolx. i feel so much better. now i'm looking forward to cheezels and chips as my reward.

opened the door like a burglar today. my sis was sleeping like a log and i didnt bring the keys out. even that, i'm scared i'll get caught. kept looking around praying pple better dun get me in this state with their cameras. but then again, why shld i be scared when i'm entering my house? just that it's in a peculiar way? i guess i'm a pretty good thief. maybe i can consider being a locksmith in future. explore all possibilities.

subtle extrem-ist. maybe.

Finally.. i guess i can fully understand the meaning of an optimistic pessimist..

Just imagine the end of the world.. the fallin' sky only signify we'll all die comfortable coz the fluffy clouds will ensure that we'll have an eternal good sleep.. so what's there to fear?

for a moment, i'm outta my mind. lost control of my temper.. the blood rushing to my head, my face red from the anger. no wonder there's the saying 'make my blood boil.'

i came close to screaming into the phone. and i still cant believe they cannot be bothered.
was thinking that if they try to settle the thing nicely, then i might just forget about it. But well, since i waste so much time and effort on it, i better chase them till i get it. it's mine in the first place. this is the time when i want to curse and swear yet i cant due to the limited vocab.

i cant be bothered to be nice to them as well. i've been very polite to them for the past year. why shldnt i do what i like for the last time? it's nt as if i'll be seeing them in the future. oh great. they can go on with their childish non-sensical games in FO. but i wont be joining in.

Think i've been responsible for too long. so i reckon i need a religion.

Just because i read this somewhere:
[ Finding religion is a way of giving your problems to somoene else who claims to have all the answers]

Then again, didnt we all hear it somewhere that the someone only help those who help themselves first?
So maybe i am the someone i have been looking for? lolx.

-------------------------

scare myself terribly today. i almost knock into a display window. i have absolutely no idea whether i am too engrossed in the display items or that it is an just optical illusion. my friend was telling me the fault lies in the glass - it's too clean. -_-"'

and the dolls inside the cabinet. i'm fine with them until i saw the clown. someone save me!!
i cant shake that errie feel off. even now.
Pls, no amusement park related shows and absolutely no clowns.
Now u know why i never find Ronald MacDonald amusing. he belongs to the chucky family.

------------------------

Checked my advanced placement results.

out of 4 subjetcs, i only managed to get exempted from 1!!

lucky me. considering more than 100 students sat for the tests, only 21 managed to get exempted for one subject or more. so thank God.

and i still couldnt understand why i didnt get thru marketing. it sux knowing i have to do it all over again. damn.

and the subject i passed- some management subject similar to POM and OB.

haiz... tml i'll sit for yet another subject i loathe. LANGUAGE.
oh hell. my grammer and vocab is horrible. think my youngest sis is better than me.
oh s***.. i badly need some tutoring.. can i buy brain cells equipped with strong command of EL somewhere? nevermind the price.. oh well... juz forget it.. cross my fingers.. and pray hard..

think i need help frm some higher power.............. call spell-check.
can i bring microsoft word into the exam hall? or maybe juz provide a couple of primary english.. think they'll come in handy..

oh well, why dont i bother to read the PAPERS everyday.. they'll sure ask questions on issues that i happened to skip..

... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... .. ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

HAIZ. sighing is a way of releasing stress. HAIZ. maybe. ~watever~

oh my.. being chided by a friend.. he remembered that i ignored him when he said hi to me last time.. but i really couldnt remember when was it.. didnt notice that my body language was/is so negative..

yup.. i walk ard in a daze, trapped in my small little world and if possible, ignore everyone else.
i dun open my eyes wide enough when i'm out coz i dun see the need to detect anyone in the vicinity and start small talk..

that's the problem with pple who are not sociable.. living in our own worlds and ignorant of the going-ons ard us.

----------------------------

felt really funny when someone u dun really know said 'maybe i dun really know u i guess'...
how funny it is to make such a statement when even i, dunno myself. so how can someone i dun really know knows me?

assumptions, assumptions and more assumptions.. didnt i mention that surfaces are not who we are to him months back?

didnt i change for the better when i start to reduce my 'rudeness' level..
didnt i make improvement in replies?

cant we ever change to be the best? can we ever NOT be flawed? can pple juz take each other for who we are and not who we think is supposed to be?

okay. i'm not making sense again..

Spent the whole sunday in dreamland.

woke up early for breakfast.
slept at about 4 again and woke up close to 10 at night.
had supper instead of dinner.

i dun even know if i should be grateful for being able to waste the whole sunday sleeping, or irritated that i am not planning things properly and letting my body control my mind.

now i'm frustrated that i'm not being responsible.
too much sleep will cause me to have a late night and that will affect my work performance tomorrow. damn. i hope i dun snap at the agents calling for rooms.

Just like that, i'm left with 2 miserable weeks.. to change for the better..

- Because we believe the surface, we forget that surfaces aren't who we are-

met a friend's friend a couple of days ago and realised it has been ages since i last saw my friend.
and that reminded me of those unkept promises. damn again.

The much-awaited entry...

Before i start on my recreational activities like youtubing or slacking, i beter start tidyng up this place a little more to prevent cobwebs!!

I guess life hasnt been smooth sailing ever since i graduated. to make it worse, i've been doing stuff i wont usually do.

things like going to the library. my head was saying: who has the time?!
but somehow my feet brought me to the last place my mind wanted to be.

it's not the time of the month but somehow i cant seem to bring my spirits up. the weirdest thing is that when i'm going through phases of anguish, or when my mental and emotional strength is not on par, i have the urge to go for a jog. to hear my heartbeat. and so i did.

for pple who are aware of how much i 'like' sports and exercise, you'll definitely know the feeling of rewarding myself with a BIG bag (sometimes 2) of chips and a bar of chocolate after that. together with a nice cup of hot beverage. woo-hoo. that's what i call indulgence. double the endorphines, double the happiness.

the fact that it's the i have the feeling of belongingness the first timei stepped into sch puzzled me. i was thinking what-the-hell is wrong with me. i shld be nervous and extremely uneasy- that's how i would normally feel. but then, i wasnt exactly normal recently. was i??

had dinner with my relatives the other day and halfway thru the dinner, a small accident happened. the uncle at the table next to ours performed this super stunt- his beer bottle slipped and somehow most of the beer got me. my world stopped spinning for half a second - make that 2. then things began happening in slow mo. my aunt gathering tissues. the tables around us turned to look at what's going on - me. my hair was dripping with beer foam and half my top was wet. but that wasnt the issue. my reaction was. by right i should experience anger, then embarrasement, then anger again. or at least show discomfort or irritance. i couldnt feel a trace of the above-mentioned emotions. if i remembered correctly, it doesnt really matter that much to me. i even said 'it's okay' to the uncle before he muttered 'sorry'.

i did ask myself what's with the suay-ness the next day. but that's all. should i be entitled to blow-top-hot-temper-grumble-complain-nonstop effect?? but somehow, it really doesnt matter. maybe i've succeeded in surbing my foul temper. or maybe it's suppressed to perfection. either way, i should be congratulating myself on this.

i'm not really a music-passion kinda person.. so i surprised myelf by enjoying collection of Jazz songs frm the CDs that i borrowed frm my beloved cuzzie. she's the best.
can you not imaigne drifting off to wonderland with the feeling of being enveloped in songs like 'just the way you are' or 'aint no sunshine' and even the very classic- what a wonderful world.
i the small dark bedroom, it feels as if the words are floating around, welcoming you to a special world. all i wanna do is to embrace that and get lost in magic.

it's like going to bed with a smile on your face and bringing with you the feeling of being protected knowing that you'll definitely going to have a great night sleep and waking up to face the morning even better than the day before simply because: who will start a day off terribly when you ended it in perfection?

maybe my mind went as wild as my imagination. but i'm lovin' it.

Hasnt got to doing things i wanna do. like taking a day off so that i can spend it wasting the whole afternoon being myself. i can already see myself in a nice coffee outlet somewhere quiet, with a good book and some nice music alone. recharging, finding the way back to the starting point.

pple have bee telling me how fortunate i am to be able to study somemore and not sharing the family's burden finacially. to those who think they wont be able to get a degree this lifetime coz they're just not as clever as half the friends you know, please. all you need is the determination, and a little belief in yourself. really. in a place like s'pore, your IQ and hardwork is no longer an issue. money is.

--- We live in such a fast-moving society that when we are faced
with spare time the first thing that fills it is panic ---

Slow-down your life, wont you. i guess i managed to.
that explains the whole lot of crap i've posted above. right? no?

June- gone in a flash. Great. Just after i was saying i cant wait to get thru May.

I certainly hope i'm living life the way i want to - the fullest.
but i hope that doesnt mean i have to live each day as if it was my last. coz i really dont want to spend everyday of my life with relatives around my bed and a priest getting ready to do whatever's necessary.

going thru this journey slowly, steadily and surely. one step at a time i guess.

Archer:
my words are arrows and my thoughts the bow.

thinking alone wont get anything done.

words direct them towards the target.

i can tell jokes and humor pple, someone's joy.

i can say things that cause harm, someone's wound.

am in total control. thoughts and words.

take responsibility.

Generally, i adjust my outfit to reflect the current weather patterns.
i know i won't be too happy when it starts to rain and i have no umbrella but i am at my best.

so i was advised this as my horoscope prediction :
Consider such things when you walk into a room of people today.
What is the predominant mood?
How can you fit in with it and work to lift it instead of getting soaked?

yeap. how can i avoid getting soaked?

Prepare for battle.

on 19 June.

papa day tomorrow.

the last time i gave anything to my dad is my phone bills.. lolx. jk..
i mean the last thing i remembered giving him for fathers' day is actualy an ugly hallmark card i bought and wrote all my siblings' names on. i guesst that's sometime in upper Primary bah.

somehow, i have the impression the card actually shows a picture of a fisherman in tattered light blue/ white shirt.

this shows how bo xim i am huh..

fathers' day aint really a significant day for celebration. i dun mean it's not important at all, but at least a lot of pple dun put the emphasis on this day, or spend time planning way before hand.
okay. i shldnt generalise. or, maybe i'm the only one.

intense dislike for the in-between.

personality of a white. characteristics of a C.

dread knowing the ending.

-santa's best friend, Rudolph the 2nd-

felt confident today (might be the colour of the clothes i wore) and things went smoothly. so seemlessly in fact, that i felt that i am finally back in control of my life.

wanted to laugh at myself coz of all these self-talk.
control- it is all but an illusion. all about perception.

aint in the right mood,
not at the right time,
wasnt with the right people,
cant be in the right place.

excuses. excuses. excuses.

of all the things i miss, calling someone just because i want to and yakking non-stop over the phone is at the top of my list. it makes perfect sense to just contact someone when i want to and share whatever that comes to mind. but this act seems to increase its difficulty with age.

the hesitation before a call,
the it's-okay-to-put-it-off-till-later attitude,
the i've-grown-up-no-more-dependent-on-others and
the fear of exposing weaknesses...

if we're friends. should i let u know everything you should, or should i place a barrier to let u know how far u can go to know me.

risks..
helplessness if privilege-to-know-all-of-u: uses something to hurt you.
helplessness again, if distance-i-give-u-ur-privacy: cant even let u rely on coz they have absolutely no idea how to go about doing it.
risks..

so u see.. how can i not laugh at myself when i dun even know what i'm saying in the first place.

Up and away~

unable to lift up my spirits ever since the grad ceremony.
can even say i'm half depressed.

sitting in TCC waiting for the crermony to start is the beginning of total self awareness of how not sociable i am.
i'm starting to pity myself and wondering what the hell i'm doing in a hospitality course when i cant even think of what to say to the 2 coursemates sitting beside me.
for over an hour, i almost sat in silence if they dont speak to me first.
i cant even think of an excuse of why we know each other's existance yet i dun even greet them when i see them.

maybe i keep to myelf and my circle of friends too much.

or maybe we just dont have the same frequency.

in my 3 years (2.5 actually), i've never felt this lost, this aimless.. hate this unanchored feeling and that whatever i think i did right as and might be wrong all the while. maybei should face each day with a smile and act as if i'm best friends with the pple walking on earth, or maybe i should adapt to my surroundings more so that i can at least blend in instead of blend out.

saw so many pple i think i'll never have the chance to see in future. so many familiar faces that i wanted to just walk up and say 'hey, congrats.' but the words slipped away before i even have the chance to face this eager side of me. find myself asking why i am wanting to try so hard to salvage the situation, this last chance ever..

the emptiness after the spotlight dims.. the flimsy piece of paper that weigh the same.. i didnt try hard enough all these while. all i wanted to do when i stepped into poly is to make more friends, get out of the quiet self in sec school but things seem to take a turn for the worse..

maybe i didnt try hard enough.

right now, i wished i could turn back time. meet the pple i want to meet, make sure i put in enough effort to at least know most of them and not just a handful. seriously speaking, studies aint my priority. never was, never is and never will be.

if i could just turn back time. BUT doesnt moving on make a greater difference?

you are wiser. just tell me the answer.

Oh F* blogger. Load so slow.
Aint in a very good mood. A fellow trainee chatted with me online and after 4 very short replies, she asked if I'm alright coz I dun seem to sound like me.
Damn.

Everything went wrong today - even the taxi driver!

I dunno whether it's me or what, but I ALWAYS ended up feeling crappy after taking cabs that are yellow in color.

The Kbox gathering session after work sux, big time.
Firstly, singing songs with a bunch of aunties vying for the mics aint a very happy thing.
Then, all their LOUD hokkien songs that I never heard of and they dun allow pple to move songs up ye they can do so themselves pissed me off big time.
Their out-of-tune yet still want to shout out loud singing styles make me imagine Dick Lee's face saying 'you're wasting my time. GET LOST!' in Singapore Idol auditions.
And they dun just hog the mics. They hog the remote!!

Out of the 3+ hrs there, I only managed to select and sing ONE song. How pathetic can that be? And that was because they went to the washroom!
Before the time is up, a colleague is rushing me to go home.
How much fun can that be if I went to a GATHERING session where I just sat there and listen to all those crap thinking 'how and why did I land myself in such deep shit?!'

Yes. The night is still young thus the nightmare isn't over.
I dun understand why they aint gracious enough to just let whoever book the room to link the stupid k point sunder their name. Why after the hog-mic-and-controller competition, they muz vie for the points? By the time I start to get irritated, someone is rushing me home again.
I aint a 5 year old child or Cinderella having to go home before the clock strikes. I have NO curfew. And I aint rushing. I made it very clear that we can just settle everything then make our way home since it's already over 12 and the midnight charge applies. So why must we rush. It doesn't matter whether we waste another 5 minutes coz there were LOTS of cabs!

Before I can even say bye, thanks and gdnight to the rest, I'm being rushed into this YELLOW cab. Damn it. Too late.
The driver named Yeo Chung H** with the carplate SHC 0*** sux, big time. I’m pissed enough to even rbr his name.

He drove off before I can close the damn door. We have another colleague living in the same area and the other colleague just say 'never mind'. I told the driver to just STOP THE DAMN CAB and he said later. He drove a distance up and just commented 'I just drive off ar, dun need to wait for your friend. They can take another cab.' Yes, he just drove off without me even replying. After we reached the first traffic light, he said 'taxi drivers dun take pple to more than 2 destinations on fri, sat and Sunday nights. At most 2.'

Oh, what the fuck!
1st time I ever heard of such crap.
When I tried explaining that I've shared cabs with my friends for so many times and all the while we dun have this problem of 'max 2 destinations' rule or what!

I think my colleague sensed that I'm pissed. She said 'I thought he's taking cab with someone else, since they're living nearer to each other. Btw, I've always thought they live somewhere near ang mo kio,' oh. Again, the word WTF kept flashing in my head. The WHOLE office knows they're not. I joined the dept much later than her yet I know and she doesn’t. oh fine.

Reached home feeling crappy. Never been to a gathering this tong ku before.
Please NEVER ask me to take yellow color cabs!
I prefer cabs blue in color starting with C****** and I almost always get the nice polite and friendly drivers. The journey feels much more smooth.

Kbox outings have never been such a pain and yellow cabs just joined topped my list of 'shuns'.

Plus I'm driving myself crazy coz I'm losing control.
Badly need a phone number that I can call at this stupid time of the night.
Need an outlet for crap. Before I lose total control, I'm going to bed.
Just sleep the heartache and anger off.
Tomorrow will be a fine day. Fine as in Face It – Coming to and End.

Heard a colleague's relationship story last week and was affected, somehow.

she was telling us abt her past relationship. the guy came from a well-to-do family with 'good' family background and his parents are very religious. they expect their future daughter-in-law to be 1) very traditional 2) has certain qualification 3) holding a job that is of respect/ esteem (eg: teachers/ lawyers)

the reason why the two of them cannot be together is 1) her highest qualification is a 'N' level cert 2) her job is in some office as a normal front office agent

so i asked a very bold question:
so he broke up with you coz of that?

and i heard a very disappointing answer. the spotlight dimmed.

she continued with 'his parents are paying for all his expenses. his car, his bills, his allowance.'

never felt so disgusted. and i got to know that his current gf is a teacher.
they broke up because of external conditions. because one party succumb to the comfort of life. the lure of temptation.
not because they dun hav feelings for each other.

seems so much like the plot we see so often in drama series. and it sux knowing that the more money and power one has, the less possible it is to gain freedom. to enjoy the simplicity in life.

alright. who am i to comment on stuff like that?

for richness or for love.
can we all take the risk and fall in love instead of risking the love and end up with nothing.

my world hasnt been revolving. it's your worlds that are revolving..

Let's see..

Papa Juliet - thanks to monica. i dun even know where she gets the idea from.
Color of dusk - for as long as i can remember.
Odd numbers - only even number is zero.
Missed my pager number - 93258096, which runs upwards from the bottom-right of the keypad, to downwards right in the middle. pple dun even need to remember my number.
Quite anti social - but sure can yak a lot.
Professional archaeologist - expert at living backwards.
Abudant patience- only for drama series and endless episodes.
Anime lover - cause all troubles will be solved by the end of the episode (maybe even two or three)
Great liking for quotes - only way to steal intelligence to pull off as my own wisdom.
Seemingly the perfect student - the quiet one that pple usually take no notice of coz they dun cause trouble and am not exceptionally bright to gain attention. excellent for me cause i get to do what i want to do and get off trouble, like sleep in class and having short attention span.
Believe when pple say you dream of what you think - cause i can continue interrupted dreams! and that's an achievement! lolx.
Aint an accessory lover - but cant think of a time i'm without them.
The opposite - make mountain out of molehill and make molehill out of mountain.
Hate horror shows - but love the thrill.

that's all i can think of now. more next time when the pink moon is up.